These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. Dermot is not a judge
And Louis told him so. Keen viewers, or indeed keen readers of this blog, will notice Dermot’s become increasingly bratty and refutes any criticism that the judges give. It’s very unprofessional and undermines the judges and the show. I’m glad Louis told him where to go. Davina would have smashed his face in.
2. There are other judges
There’s the strangely behaved Simon who thinks Jamie, Olly and Danyl are the greatest musicians the world has ever seen and gives every performance a standing o, even though most of them have barely deserved polite applause. There’s the beautiful and angry Cheryl Cole, the beautiful and suddenly sound Dannii Minogue and the beautiful inside Louis Walsh.
3. It is movie week
All the contestants stand on a red carpet and get to watch Jim Carrey as an animated Ebenezer Scrooge. The star-studded event features both Peter Andre and my favourite cricketer Tuffers. That does sound like a fun night so I won’t begrudge their whooping about how much fun it is.
4. The guests have nothing to do with movies
Why can’t they just call it Leona has a song out tomorrow week? Or maybe build the theme around her and the Black Eyed Peas? Transatlantic number ones, for example. Songs from this century. I should so produce this show. The Black Eyed Peas perform their least irritating song for years: Fergie ascends from a giant glittery halfmoon and Will.I.Am hangs from a wire. It’s about ten times more fun than Leona who’s been saddled with a song which either has no tune or two. It’s unclear. She sings it well but it’s not like last year when she did Run with her knees out.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Who you gonna call?’
The Grimes twins receive huge boos before they perform, which I still think is too rude even for reality TV. Dermot being a dick to the judges is clearly sending a message that rudeness is acceptable. Bring back Kate Thornton. In their VT they say they’re not just pop artists and ‘rocked it out’ last week. I’m not sure that’s true. Peter Andre speaks eloquently in praise of the Grimes brothers on the red carpet and we learn Gordon Brown doesn’t like them. I know who I’d rather have on my side. Louis then disses Gordon Brown and Dannii says she ain’t afraid of no ghost. I’m just reporting the facts; I’m not trying to make sense of them. This VT is very weird.
The Grimes brothers begin their performance in a car. It’s all uphill from here. They act. The dancing is fab. They forget to sing again. They have guns with which they bust ghosts. They get electrocuted. A strange lady in red screams. I laugh throughout and on a night full of ballads, and on a night where it became clear that jughead will win, it is a huge amount of fun to watch the Brothers Grimes look so stupid.
Dannii wonders what will be on their album. The album will probably have the same production values, and guidance vocalists, as most of hers so I don’t know why she’s struggling to imagine it. Cheryl says it was fun and ‘good on you.’ Simon says it was ‘sort of good’ in a childish way and says it was more entertaining than the karaoke that had been inflicted on them before. This is so true and I’m glad he’s back on board. Louis says they bring joy to the world and they do.
But clearly not to the people who vote because they’re in the bottom two. I’m going to have to start voting for them. Clearly ranking them first, and encouraging my dozens of readers to vote, is not enough. They redo Rock DJ for survival and it’s pretty good. It’s a repeat but this time it’s done without the big stageshow: it’s just them doing cartwheels and being awkward and slightly out of time. All the things I love in my Irish twincest popstars! Also, it’s clear they’re better singers than Lloyd. And far more pleasant to listen to than Danyl. At least they don’t scream like they’ve being doubledone as Danyl inflicts on us every week. I wish they’d kicked his gaping ass out this week. Grimes Brothers, I love you and want you to perform at my wedding or the bah mitzvah of my first son.
2. JOE – ‘My sister Veronica and I had this act’
Joe’s VT reminds us that he’s limp and stageschooly. Ha! Simon is so calling Joe a fag every time he says that. Like when Troy Bolton wants to join the musical but his Dad wants him to just play basketball and Troy’s like ‘No, Dad, I want to be on both teams.’ Joe is at the premiere and smiley and happy on all counts. He’s singing from The Lion King and is unsurprisingly thrilled about this and smiles a lot.
The verses are a bit tentative and his voice is clear. He sounds gayer than you’d think Cheryl could stand. Oh, and I think his poppy is made out of silk. It’s all very odd but is well-sung. Joe sways slightly and sings about the circle while black men wave sticks around in the background and women in Spanish lace dresses flail about. It is odd and has little to do with either lions or Joe. At least John & Edward had ghosts on stage that were busted during their song about ghostbusters.
Dannii says he’s the best male vocalist, which is a good thing to remind everyone who’s voting for Moley Murs or that bender off of X Factor. Dannii didn’t like the stickwavers as she thought they were distracting. Simon did not like the swaying and brats that he’s not the best singer. Yes, he obviously doesn’t scream enough to win that title. Louis says something inoffensive and Dermot starts on him and then a whole mess happens. My take on this is that Louis is a judge and Dermot is a tool. Dermot’s got too big for his boots while Louis’s boots are made for walkin’. I trust you all agree.
3. LUCIE – ‘We’re soarin’, we’re flyin’
Lucie’s VT shows her sudden transformation from a subpar diva to a subpar kid rocker during last week. Dannii says she’s young and cool now because Guns N Roses are, if anything, young and cool. This show’s values are so warped. She’s singing a song from Camp Rock which is a TV movie. Think of it as a cousin of High School Musical. Or, to push a metaphor too far, a girl at Avril Lavigne’s high school that Avril stopped being friends because she wouldn’t cut herself during Truth or Dare. Yvie is no nonsense during the VT and tells Lucie not to act. We hear in roughly seven different ways that Lucie’s song is going to show who is.
And handily it’s called ‘This Is Me’ and features these words over again. We all know who Lucie is now. The question we never meant to ask has finally been answered! It sounds just like Gotta Go My Own Way or any number of live action Disney songs. Her reedy voice really suits the world of autotuned Disney and it’s quite engaging really. The song’s as catchy as you’d think so for two minutes, it’s very easy watching. There is a terrible shriek as there is every week from Lucie – and which will of course be shown during the recap when her voting number is shown because some editor really hates the Welsh. There are also some good whistle notes and her hair looks awesome.
She’s in the bottom two for reasons that only God knows. (People preferred Lloyd and that fairy? Really?) She sings Whitney for her survival and it’s very slick and stageschool. Except not in Joe’s I’m-a-good-singer-so-these-tics-are-more-forgivable way. It’s a bit nauseating and the song is about destiny and chances. She makes strange vomit noises in lieu of pleasant growling also and grins smugly when she’s done. But not for long. Simon lets it go to deadlock again and she’s gone. I’m just glad the Twins are still around but I really don’t want to read a lot of SHOCK ELIMINATION stories. She was never going to win; it’s not that SHOCKing
4. OLLY – ‘You are deformed and you are ugly’
In Olly’s VT, he sits under a ridiculous amount of lighting which succeeds in making him look much less fug. For now. He also pronounces them as ‘loights’ to annoy me. He’s singing a song from Ferris Bueller which you’ll be shocked to know is one of Simon’s favourite films of all time. You know how uncomfortable he is giving hyperbolic praise so this really means something. Dannii and Louis are bored by the song choice and I agree that two Beatles songs in a row is too much.
He sings Twist and Shout and twists and shouts. He also dances with a wide stance and appears to be wearing the same suit he wore on Diva week. There are 60s girl dancers again. The dance breakdown is quite cool and sees Olly and the slutty dancers walk like cavemen in sync. Olly has two moves during the song: lifting one leg is one; flipping his feet about, the other. It’s possibly good but definitely boring. That’s enough for this high place this week.
Louis likes Olly but hates the silly dancing and the silly song. Dannii didn’t believe Olly believed in the song and I believe Olly nods because he believes the same belief. There are deafening cheers. Cheryl thinks he’s gone too retro. Simon snits at the others and says Olly dancing around like a panfaced prick is ‘called en-ter-tain-ment’ and that’s the point. Or, it is until John & Edward become too awesome and popular and then Simon will decide it’s a singing competition.
5. DANYL – ‘If I could turn back time, if I could find a way’
Simon introduces ‘a new Danyl Johnson.’ If it was entirely a different person, I could get on board with this. Maybe the new Danyl won’t be so annoying and will sing better. Danyl’s VT is edited so that Simon doesn’t say ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer’ Ha! Danyl tells us he feels like he’s got a second chance when the public forgave his dreadful Aerosmith cover. I think this yelping mary’s been given more than two chances but I’m not a judge.
Danyl is doing Purple Rain to which I say: bitch, please. Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s cover of this last year shits on Danyl and everything he stands for from such a high distance that it’s not even worth comparing. Danyl still sounds like Neena Samoné, the fattest drag queen in Wigan, and still sounds pretty shit. A tasteful falsetto aside, he’s lifeless. He’s restrained too and not in a good way. Oh and then he screams again. Natch. He smiles without teeth when he’s done and looks sad.
Louis is full of praise and says he’ll be in the final. Why? Dannii tells him not to shout every week and I’m glad someone’s finally told him that. Cheryl likes he’s not cocky anymore. Simon says it was an outstanding vocal. Except, it wasn’t. I don’t get Danyl.
6. JAMIE – ‘I've mended all my ways, repented, seen the light, and made a switch’
In his VT, Jamie takes Louis’s criticism that he’s a fake and inherently dull as constructive and decides to show his potential more. On some level, I admire this but also I think Jamie’s time has been up for a while. On the red carpet Jamie smirks and we learn Phil ‘Tuffers’ Tufnell is backing him for the win. First, the cricketers. Then, the gays. Then, the world. Jamie’s song had to be changed again either because Jamie’s not very good or because Simon doesn’t give a shit. Possibly both. He’s now doing Crying which we are assured is from Gummo. Isn’t that film about abused children? Happy Saturday night!
Jamie’s voice wobbles like crazy and then he, of course, gets to yell. He does so in a raspy but not exactly masculine way. It’s very dull and I remember nothing about it. The only bit I liked was when I got a text saying Jamie looks like Macy Gray.
Louis is glad Jamie has dropped ‘all the silly rock stuff.’ To which: Ha! He also says Simon cheated with that song. Dannii says he wasn’t the pub rocker this week and this was good. Because lame wedding singer is better? Cheryl says by not doing Unchained Melody he dodged a bullet, as that song is cheesy. Simon then gets very mardy because Unchained Melody is his favourite song ever (and that’s why Shayne Ward, Robson & Jerome and Gareth Gates were all made to sing it). He’s very rude to Cheryl at this point and it’s uncomfortable. There is a big argument about the supposed cheating as Crying is from a film no one’s heard of. It’s hard to take sides: Gummo is a real film, and it is movie night, so it’s not a big rule break. However, it’s not really in the spirit of things to pick a song and then find a movie it was in. Isn’t this week meant to be a celebration of Hollywood?
7. STACEY – ‘Stacey, can’t you see you’re just not the girl for me?’
Stacey didn’t like Pulp Fiction, in which her song features, as it was violent. She’s more of a Toy Story girl we hear. We also learn Stacey will have to perform a sexy song sexily this week and this is a problem. Stacey and Cheryl both assure us that Stacey is not sexy, which in a world where Olly Murs is a heartthrob is quite a diss. This drama is stupid and clearly invented. We know Stacey is a young mum: stop pretending she’s a virgin who watches Toy Story with an immaculately conceived baby.
She’s doing Dusty which is boring. Why couldn’t she do Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon? That's in Pulp Fiction too. Or Jungle Boogie? She’s also wearing leather and looks exactly like Olivia Newton-John in Grease when she tries to be sexy. Tell me about it, stud. That bit. This song is played-out and I don’t need to see it covered it again. It was already perfect. We also learn from Stacey’s performance that sexy equals walking around a mic and sticking your bum out. Ooh and rubbing your boobs! Five weeks in, I don’t think Stacey has given a single great performance. And I wanted her to win so much. And, based on past auditions, she kind of has the best voice.
Louis loves the look and Stacey’s personality but thought the performance lacked emotion. Cheryl thought she looked sexy and cool. Cheryl can’t dress for shit so I don’t think Stacey should take the compliment too seriously. Simon thought the song choice was lazy and that Stacey is vulnerable. Dannii thought it was modern because Duffy and Amy would cover that song. Even if that were true, it doesn’t stop how dull that was to watch. No wonder John & Edward are so popular.
8. LLOYD – ‘I never can say goodbye’
Lloyd’s VT is an embarrassment of riches and shows all the many ways he fucked up during his survival song. He’s very sad. Then he’s very happy and at a premiere! We see Jim Carrey’s beard. It is thick but wiry: a medical marvel. The premiere and seeing the beard is ‘a taste of what [Lloyd’s] life could be like.’ Yes, being half recognised at premieres is something Lloyd can savour for at least another six months. Louis says Lloyd’s song this week (Stand By Me) is too old but Cheryl says they’ve made it modern.
Oh, by shoving in bits of Beautiful Girls in there? Oh how clever and original! I just wish JLS and David Archuleta hadn’t already thought of this. And performed this medley on reality shows last year. Cheryl is quite full of the gimmicks when it comes to Lloyd isn’t she? This one is just as poor, and poorly sung, as his genderbending ‘I Kissed A Girl’ from last week. To offer a brief diversion from the terrible singing, Lloyd goes over to the judges’ table and takes Cheryl’s hand. It’s lame. And also, she’s married. Simon looks smug because he thinks he knows Lloyd’s going home and his three boys are safe.
Louis says Lloyd is out of his depth and Simon concurs. Dannii says it was well-chosen as it doesn’t show how limited Lloyd’s range is. She somehow makes this sound nicer than I can. For the third time in five weeks, Lloyd is the worst.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Thex Factor – Rock Week – ‘I hurt myself today’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.
2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.
3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.
4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.
On with the rankings…
1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]
2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]
3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]
5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!
6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]
7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]
8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]
9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]
1. Louis and Dannii are better than Simon
I knew this day would come. Simon has become increasingly bored, increasingly biased and increasingly in love with showboating queens like Danyl and Adam Lambert. Simon forcefed the yanks Adam Lambert and they reacted by crowing Kris Allen (fit, actually good) the winner. He’s doing the same with Danyl now and it’s just not working. Also, you know Simon is fucking up when Olly Murs is his only act with a chance at winning. Louis sticks up for John & Edward and Dannii appears to listen to all the acts so they’re both tops in my books. Cheryl is also there and is wearing two halves of a glittery clock over her boobs.
2. Michael Jackson is dead
I don’t think I’ve covered this news yet but these are the facts and there’s no use disputing them. The X Factor final 12 are going to cover ‘You Are Not Alone’ for charity soon. Last year they covered Mariah and got to sing with her. Will they sing with a hologram of Wacko this year? I bet seventy pence they will.
3. We have a guest columnist
Will Longhill is something of a hotshot and we have been bredrin since before Lucie and Lloyd were born. This is a terrifying fact. He blogged for Thex last year (when we had funner acts to play with): I think one more appearance and he’ll be my Sinitta.
4. It is Rock Week. Rock!
And no one is more excited by this than me. Especially as on this show, rock means Keane and Katy Perry. The contestants all performed amusing songs amusingly and no one did The Script. We learned Danyl is not a convicing rocker or a convincing human being.
[Rock week was always going to be a hard week for the show. It's a pair of magic glasses that looks straight through the sheen, the tears and Simon's magnificent hair to its sallow and cynical heart. Rock brings a dilemma, either contestants try to 'rock out' and end up looking like game show contestants, or they wimp out (I'm looking at you Stacey) and look gutless. For The X Factor to be captivating, we need to believe, to believe in pop, to believe that we actually give a shit about being a star and following a dream. Where's a Mariah week when you need it? In fact where was a Kelly Clarkson number? Short of an enforced Nicklback week this was one of the worst set of rock choices imaginable – Will]
Bon Jovi were the big stars and sang out of tune on results night. They also didn’t do any masterclasses and as a result no one did their songs. Ha! Though Rachel doing This Ain’t A Love Song would have been ace. Or Danyl doing Wanted Dead or Alive with Brokeback Mountain playing on big screens behind them.
Speaking of gay cowboys, JLS performed on the results show also and were quite good. The song is only ruined by a silly ‘put your hands up’ which is repetitive and also puts too many limits on who may or may not put their hands up. It was not rock but Simon seems not to care about themes at all this year. After all, Leona is performing on movie week possibly because she really likes going to the cinema.
On with the rankings…
1. RACHEL – ‘In a New York Minute, ooh ooh ohh, anything can change’
Rachel’s VT focuses on her suddenly not being shit and it is a happy affair as a result. Simon and Louis get all sniffy about Dannii’s song choice. The logic is: she got through last week doing a fast song so Dannii is a stupid cunt for giving her a slow song this week. Dannii has no time for this nonsense and, in her defence, Rachel has bombed with songs fast and slow in the first two weeks so Dannii has few safe options.
Rachel is singing One by U2 which is a song I find very dull whoever it’s sung by. But not today! Rachel has Rihanna hair and looks good for once (more on this later) and sings well. The foghorn is gone and the runs build: subtle and impressive. She coos and is sultry then wails boldly and almost entirely pleasantly. It’s an excellent vocal and almost makes the song not boring. Brava, Rachel! The comeback seemed complete.
Louis says she made it her own, Cheryl says she’s the best girl. Simon mocks her hair and then Dannii mocks his. Simon smiles warmly and it’s a nice moment. Simon then says her hair made the performance cabaret. I can’t understand this and I won’t waste the time decoding it or writing more about it. Quiet, Cowell.
Rachel is in the bottom two, which humiliatingly means she got fewer votes than the out of tune and considerably gayer than you Danyl. Dermot comforts her after this bad news with the words ‘third time’s a charm.’ She sings Oasis and is foghorny at times but then becomes amazing at the end. It is perhaps her strongest performance and may well be the first performance by an X Factor act this year that I listen to after the fact. Simon says she sang better than Lloyd (which: see below. And which: not hard) but lets the vote go to deadlock anyway and Rachel is booted. I had a lot of issues with Rachel this year but this week she was clearly the best and I was sad to see her go. I’m not sure she’ll go on to big things but maybe she’ll find a nice table runner and be happy in some other way.
[Racism from the British public, or perhaps it's a hatred of Bono? Who knows? – Will]
[And yet the Aryan block vote couldn't save Lloyd. Nick Griffin was squinting thrice as much as usual Sunday night! – Thex]
2. JAMIE – ‘I’m a little bit rock and roll’
Jamie’s VT is a little confused. We relive Louis saying it was karaoke and then Jamie counters by saying he’s not a pub singer. Well, Louis never said you were. He said you were karaoke. Maybe if Jamie paid more attention he’d be more successful. Simon hopes Jamie has a good time on stage. What a low goal to set. Simon doesn’t hope he sings well because Jamie is neither his favourite nor ours.
Jamie does Loaded by Primal Scream which is still a good song and surprisingly doesn’t seem dated, even when it’s sung by a tool with glam rock makeup and a silly afro. Lyrically, it’s completely inappropriate for this show which makes me think Simon didn’t pick it. Jamie gives by far the cleanest vocal of the night, and I enjoyed it greatly, but I couldn’t rank him first. Mainly because I was constantly worried Jamie would hold out the mic to the audience, or climb on the judge’s table, or do something else pub singer-y. It’s authentic but it’s not cool and wouldn’t fly in the music press or on the charts. When you’re not cool enough for The X Factor, you’re not a rock star.
Jamie is given tempered but fair praise. Dannii says she liked it but preferred Hurt, Louis says there was no originality and Jamie is a Lenny Kravitz lookalike, Cheryl said rock week was a gift for Jamie and Simon says it was authentic. Simon then says the other judges are playing mind games but all the comments I’ve just listed are pertinent and true. Quiet, Cowell.
[This was Jamie's time to shine and he blew it. He should of brought out a storming ACDC number but settled for glam pub rock. In fact, where were the Bon Jovi songs this week? Louis called it right this week when he called Jamie a fake. There's nothing wrong with fake, pop is all fake but it doesn't matter. Nobody likes a fake rocker – Will]
[Just ask the other ones in Daughtry – Thex]
3. JOE – ‘So now I come to you with open arms’
Joe’s VT relives Simon’s ‘you’ve got less latin flavour than a dolphin’ comment from last week. Cheryl looks ready to toiletbash someone and sternly asks the camera what that even means. Point, Cole. Quiet, Cowell. Simon then says Joe and rock and roll are like a mouse and tiger. Because rock and roll will eat Joe? Because Joe will eat out a rockstar back stage?
Joe is doing Journey, which you know will cause that song to chart again next week. He’s dressed very well and sounds great. He is able to adapt his tone and sounds less creepy and Disney ever week. The vibrato is lame but he’s been brought up on Idols and X Factor and taught this way to sing so I’ll cut him some slack. As he sings, some random ballroom dancers fling around near him. Random ballroom woman flaps her legs about then wraps them around random ballroom man. Tramp.
Dannii says his voice is exceptional and he’s a star. I notice now that Cheryl’s not sitting next to Dannii. Ha! Have they had a falling out? Is it because Dannii is dressed well this week and Cheryl is wearing a Lady GuGu outfit? Simon calls it stageschooly which is kind of true but is about two months late: if anything, Joe’s become far less stageschooly and far more palatable. Joe is then forced by Dermot to say the North East love Journey to attract some regional votes. He doesn’t need to suck up in this way. He’s quite good.
4. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘You big disgrace’
Their VT features enough of She Bangs to make me smile twice as wide as I thought possible. It also shows us Cheryl calling them her guilty pleasure (yey!) and Simon threatening to quit because they’re so rubbish (boo!) There is also video footage of Jedward’s screaming fans, who aren’t Irish, and of the Newspaper reports that they’ve been getting the most votes. Well, I’ve been ranking them first so this isn’t a big shocker.
They don’t get booed at the beginning at the song which shows some manners. They are doing Five’s cover of We Will Rock You, complete with rapping, which is a good way to mask their poor vocals. I do like when they try to sing though. They can’t rap in tune but the dancing is wonderful. They’ve been made to look like the founders of an Edward Cullen myspace group, with a strange skunk dye job. They are out of time with each other and with the song, and it’s not a patch on She Bangs, but it’s still heaps of fun. There is also a simulated stage dive where they are caught by people paid thousands not to damage the show’s hottest property.
Dannii gripes about the lyric botch but she says she likes watching them. Cheryl praises the production and their costumes and Simon laughs at this. I don’t think it was meant as a diss. Simon gripes about their tuning but praises their tenacity. It makes sense for the judges not to attack them as then the twins won’t get pity votes or ‘how to annoy Simon’ votes. I have to say I was a little disappointed by this performance as it wasn’t half as ridiculous as it could or should have been. I bet next week they’ll get it together and make me laugh absurdly again. I will buy this charity single just to hear them.
['Two bad boys with the power to rock you'. Louis normally has trouble stringing a coherent sentence together but he does know his boybands. Just when it looked like the boys were running out of steam they come out dressed as twighlight emo vampires, vampires with the power to rap...badly. Not quite up the the loft heights of the Britney performance but still pretty special. If Danyl doesn't win I want the boys to win. At one stage they even try a call and response with the backing singers. Those less generous than me would say that they missed cue but they're pros – Will]
5. STACEY – ‘I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it’
Her VT describes her palpable nerves last week and how she seems a little robotic. Stacey says she’s not used to being on stage and I notice gasps at the end of every sentence, even if it’s not a very long one. She wants to get better and so is tackling some choreography. This is a can-do Stacey. Simon helpfully says this week she’ll have to do something. He does not helpfully add what that something should be. Should she weave a tapestry? We are left to infer that she should dance a bit.
She is doing Keane which seems a natural progression from her week one Coldplay. Perhaps she’ll do Elbow on semi-final week? It’s arranged poorly as a power ballad and has silly guitar bits. Her voice once again sounds great when it’s barely used and awful when it’s overused. Stacey really isn’t improving. Her voice doesn’t suit the song at all: the shouting is out of place and is not exactly pretty either.
[Only Stacey, the nation's favourite afghan hound/essex girl hybrid could get away with singing Keane. If it was anyone else I would instantly write them off for the series but I love her so I forgive her – Will]
Louis says it was a boring song but he loves her. Cheryl likes her as a person but didn’t love the performance and hopes she’ll put more personality into her songs. That’s excellent advice: Stacey should do a fast-talking song and gasp at the end of every line. Perhaps Independent Women Part 1? Question!
6. LUCIE – ‘When you’re 21, you’re no fun’
Lucie’s VT focuses on Simon’s weird ‘you performed it like an actress’ diss from last week. We see clips on Dannii’s hot rage, Lucie’s hot tears and Simon’s lukewarm defiance. Yvie is looking forward at least and says this week Lucie’s song has notes ‘we didn’t know she had.’ The use of pronouns here makes me think that isn’t a compliment.
She’s singing Guns ‘N’ Roses. I absolutely hate this song: it reminds me of terrible “cheese” club nights at Uni where they always play this, Chesney Hawkes and Don’t Stop Me Now. They’d also play Livin’ On A Prayer and turn the sound down so the crowd would all do the wo ho bits together, exactly fourteen minutes before the first girl off the hockey team shat herself and collapsed in a toilet. Anyway, the song is more unpleasant than that toilet cubicle so it’s hard to judge the performance objectively. The growling is fine but there is no melody. This isn’t a “moment” for Lucie. There is some ear mic clutching and there are some very off notes. There is also quite a cool breakdown (or possibly a middle eight – it’s hard to tell when there’s this much strange wailing) and then it ends.
Louis says she’s a pro and that Simon owes her an apology. Cheryl compares her to Avril. Simon says she was boring but isn’t any more. That’s not praise I ever want to hear but she’s thrilled. Dannii tells her to enjoy being loved. Because it won’t last long? That is so the subtext.
[Lucie looks about as rock as PJ and Duncan – Will]
7. OLLY – ‘Any time I touch you, you just tremble inside’
Moley beauty Olly Murs is closing the show to ensure we go to bed with no happy thought. Simon introduces him by saying ‘now it’s back to a singing competition’ which is a childish Jedward diss. And also, really? It’s a singing competition with this idiot prouncing around? And I thought he was your big risk and you only put through because he’s likable?
His VT charmingly compares judge’s feedback to GCSE results and features the judge’s worries that his Beatles song is too big for him. Now, I like the Beatles but I don’t see how their songs are too big. They’re all quite clearly and subtly song: there are no ridiculous whistle notes to get right doing them.
He’s doing Come Together and has a cum face throughout the song. The song is too subtle for this show and should be too small for the room but Olly makes up for it by dancing around in a typically monged fashion. I respect him for having a lot of strength in his calf muscles though because I don’t. You can’t hear this voice for at least half of it but his last flourish is very good. Then he rips his short open and shows his hairy chest. That is so what Jamie wanted to do too. Maybe they did rock paper scissors?
The judges wax on about how Olly has improved. It’s sort of true in that he’s more comfortable, and he’s never the worst, but his voice is still not good enough for this show. Dermot calls him prime Essex meat and it comes across very much like Dermot kissed a girl and did not like it.
[Frankie Boyle recently said that Becky Adlington looks like the reflection you get when you look in a spoon, if Dermot did that he would see Ollie staring back. Despite my initial revulsion, he's won me over with a succession of tight trousers and surprisingly good singing. Come together is the perfect song for him, the closest the Beatles ever came to Prince's sex funk – Will]
[Speaking of Prince and ill-fitting clothing, I can’t help but feel none of these performances come close to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth doing ‘Purple Rain’ and scaring the shit out of a nation – Thex]
8. LLOYD – ‘Why you wanna try to classify the type of thing we do?’
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he resents being told he should be in a boy band. Lloyd is a brat and it appears has no idea how bad a singer he is. Simon says he’s only on the show because he’s good-looking and Louis’s views are similar. We hear he’s doing a girl’s song, and will have to intelligently change the lyrics, and that he’ll show he deserves his place.
He doesn’t really show that but what comes next is fun and his best live show performance by miles. He’s doing I Kissed A Girl and this requires few intelligent lyric changes. ‘I hope her boyfriend don’t mind it’ is the foolproof new lyric. It would have been far, far better if he’d kissed a boy and he liked it. Or if Danyl had done it instead. He sits on a throne and trampy women lunge at him. We assume these are the same trampy women imprisoned on stage during She Bangs last week. His voice is raspy, which is an improvement, but it’s still very flat. The song choice is clever, because now loads of fantards will imagine that Lloyd kissed a girl like them and he liked it, when we know that Lloyd would be repulsed at the sight of most X Factor viewers.
Dannii said he was more comfortable and Louis says he should sing better. Louis also complains that it’s not a rock song and it’s rock week. This is a valid point but Simon mocks him for whinging about rules and theme weeks when it really doesn’t matter. I couldn’t help but wonder: was Louis right? Why did Simon start theme weeks at all if he thinks they’re pointless? Simon agrees that the singing is bad but the swagger is better.
This swagger is not enough to save Lloyd from the bottom two. There is something richly deserved about this as he has been consistently rubbish on that big stage. Lloyd suddenly has a sore throat and Cheryl looks very worried. Or, ready to go back to her criminal days and cut a bitch, Lloyd sounds better ill for the bulk of his Joe Cocker song, like when Phoebe had a cold on Friends and become a chartreuse, but it kills his range entirely. (I have to say this sudden cold was a brilliant idea/piece of luck as he has now has an excuse for missing every big note.) He apologises, grimaces and hits himself on the head. It would be uncomfortable if it wasn’t so much fun to watch. He stays, he’s surprised and then this caller on the Xtra Factor makes him cry and admit he’s only there for his looks. Ha!
[Lloyd needs to die. Obviously Cheryl agrees because she insists on giving him songs that are either too difficult (Bleeding Love) or banal (tonight) – Will]
[Maybe his cold is not made up and is as serious as they make out and he will – Thex]
[Not only does Lloyd do the impossible and murder 'I Kissed a Girl', but he also has the nerve to get more votes than Rachel. I'm beginning to think that behind the vacant expression and twinkling eyes lurks a calculating killer. Strangely, his broken voiced survival song was his best performance of the series by which I mean it was mostly in tune and had a breathy quality reminicent of last year's superior model - the quiglet – Will]
[Lloyd and Eoghan rile me similarly. I think you’re on something. X Factor cloning? I smell a Charlie Brooker satirical drama – Thex]
9. DANYL – ‘I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you’
Danyl’s VT is about his ‘shocking’ and ‘undeserved’ trip to the bottom two. Whatevs. His accent is no less annoying. He says bo’om two but then says haaaaaaaart. Oh pick a team, wannabe. Either you’re posh and snooty and should ‘own it’ or yer should get t' pie from downt' way. We learn about a HILARIOUS article that says Danyl is the most hated contestant ever and that someone compared him to Hitler. Louis is the voice of reason and says Simon’s trying to force people to like Danyl and it’s not going to happen. This is true and a big part of why we don’t like him. Simon’s like a sleazy car salesman saying you have to buy that car today or else it’ll sell out and the price will double and you’ll regret it and you won’t get the free floormats and you’ll probably die.
He’s doing Aerosmith and his phrasing is bizarre. He sounds like a drag queen doing Nina Simone, even more than last week when he was actually singing Nina Simone. Faw-ey-vah is the worst bit. He looks miserable as hell and screams at points in a very desperate way. Jamie and Olly outsung him tonight. Danyl was flat and shrill and singing a lame, overdone, overplayed sung in an overdone, overegged way. He misses notes and botches lyrics. On the last note, it’s clear he’s given up. Much like Hitler did.
[Nick Griffin quite likes being compared to Hitler. Danyl clearly doesn't. He's clearly shaken by the furore surrounding him and the song choice constrains him. He's one of the few people who could actually do a proper rock song and gets stuck with an Aerosmith ballad. The judges clearly have it in for him, Cheryl tells him to keep his chin up before the low blow 'you don't really do it for me'. – Will]
Dannii is sympathetic and says it was sad to watch him like this. She also says he liked the desperate yelling. Cheryl rightly says it was uncomfortable and Louis tells him to butch up. Simon says the judges are contradictory because they’ve told him off for being cocky and now don’t like he’s a worthless shell of a man. It isn’t a contradiction, Simon. They want him to be confident and normal and less toolish. They have always wanted this. Simon makes me lol in a bad way when he says Danyl is ‘undoubtedly probably the best singer in the competition.’ Simon is undoubtedly probably the worst judge this year. Danyl has his hands in his pocket and looks like a stroppy child.
[Pop fact: Thex and I once argued with our class at school because we had the nerve to claim that Brandy and Monica's 'The Boy Is Mine' was a better song than the sloppy sentiment spewing from Steven Tyler's gaping mouth. Naturally, the other boys called us gay. They were only half right – Will]
[Yeah but you dropped your gay card– Thex]
Monday, 26 October 2009
Thex Factor – Big Band Week – ‘Let me go home’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. There are judges and there are contestants
Louis Walsh is my favourite this year. He almost cried when John & Edward were booed, wailing ‘how dare you?’ at the audience like a drunk being asked to leave Somerfield. Simon Cowell is becoming increasingly hard to love, given his hyperbole and twin-hate, and the girls are also there. There are 9 acts left and they all have a pretty even share of my affections. Last year the show was OWNED by Diana then Beautiful Spanish Ruth, then Alex/Alexandra. This year, the best singer changes weekly and I only have a novelty act to feel invested in.
2. There was a shock bottom two
The congenial but mediocre girl group Miss Frank joined the greatest artist ever in the history of Simon Cowell’s short term memory, Danyl Johnson, in the bottom two. I can’t say I was bothered by this but I was shocked. Especially considering how bad Lloyd is and how no one likes Rachel. The good news is Danyl won’t win now. No winner has ever been in the bottom two, though runner-ups frequently have.
3. I fucking love Michael Bublé
He is a man of the people. He is squirmy and uncomfortable on stage. His looks are laughable, unphotographable. He went on American Idol a few years ago looking pissed to his gills. See? He’s just like us. He sings songs everyone knows and likes, such as Cry Me A River and Feelin’ Good. Sometimes he does silly arrangements, such as tonight, and makes everything sound like a Bond theme and in turn makes the listener feel like a superspy. It is very easy to get on board with Michael Bublé in all his gnome-eared, fug-faced glory. Westlife are harder to deal with and no supply of silly laser effects will change this. I like how their new song is a Daughtry cover. I suppose it makes life cheaper if you cover your boss’s other artists on your boss’s TV show.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘She bangs! She bangs!’
Oh I’m still not sick of John & Edward and they completely deserve this top place, despite some stiff competition this week.
The Grimes VT made me laugh audibly, which was a good warm-up for their performance. Bublé doesn’t pretend they’re vocalists and instead advises they ‘dance their little butts off.’ Oh Bublé, you big flirt. Simon Cowell pretends he wants them to leave even though they’re helping ratings no end and last week Simon said he’d rather they stayed than the boring people. Simon is rubbish this year.
The Grimes showmen come to stage from the audience (as did the just-as-hammy Rhydian a few years ago) in bright pink and lime green suits. They sing Ricky Martin to a gaggle of dancers tramping around in their pants on a high stage. At one point, the twins’ “dance routine” involves them spitroasting a dancer; at another, they are straddled, and kind of get bummed, by a woman with clearly loose morals. At times things get very innocent and they do the Saturday Night Fever arm-point: they remind us here that they are virgins who share a bedroom and have serious self-awareness issues and remind us they are not latin sex bombs. Let it also be known that there are giant balloons with arms and the Grimes’ faces printed on them. There is a key change to make Westlife envious also. Louis laughs the whole time and dances in his chair. Louis wins the series’ highest single awarding of cool points for this. I will give him 7 I think.
Dannii is torn because they can’t sing but give a great performance. You’d think this would appeal to a Minogue. Cheryl calls them a guilty pleasure and Simon says it’d be rubbish on radio. Well, yes Simon, but this is a TV show. And no one will listen to Olly, Danyl and Jamie on the radio in a year so shush. One of the twins looks very sad but one of the twins also looks sad when they’re booed. I just wish I knew if it was the same twin every week.
2. LUCIE – ‘Big girls, they don’t cry-y-y-y-y’
On Lucie’s VT her parents call her a slob and an overeater. Ha! Michael Buble says ‘beautiful, kid’ to Lucie because he thinks ‘kid’ is a cool term of address that only the most swinging cats can use. I still fucking love Michael Buble but I can’t be bothered putting the accent in his name every time. Forgive me, Michael! Buble also worries she’ll oversing it which becomes good advice when you watch it but at the time seemed very obvious. Both Dannii and Yvie think she’s got the perfect song to show off her voice.
And they’re right. She sings My Funny Valentine and sounds gorgeous. It’s very subtle but still has runs and whistles. The ear dances because every time you think she’ll yell or ruin it she instead pulls it back, coos and sighs. There is a bit too much wailing towards the end but there has to be some wailing on this show.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it ‘was all over your face.’ Maybe that’s Newcastle for something because it makes no sense. Simon says it was an actress’s performance and Louis yells at him for talking jive. Simon looks sheepish and gives up because he knows he’s been caught trolling. Lucie looks disappointed and rightly so. That was the best vocal of the live shows this year and she deserved 4 good comments.
3. JAMIE – ‘It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife’
Or a rock song when it’s not rock week ‘til November. Let this song choice be the third piece of evidence that Simon is off his game this year.
Jamie’s VT recaps his inexplicably-praised Christina cover and then Buble chips in with some new inexplicable praise for Jamie’s ‘unique style.’ It’s not unique in a 70s-themed brothel. Quiet down, MB. There is then some song change drama whereby the always-right Simon realised he’d chosen the wrong song and gave Jamie 24 hours to learn a new one. 24 hours to learn a two-minute cover? This is impossible, yes?
Well no. Jamie is a pro of sorts and manages to not forget the lyrics to a U2 song with very few lyrics. My problem with Jamie is that he’s not a rock-star, not even by this show’s standards. He’s not a soul singer either. He’s a wimpy man with a wimpy voice whose saving grace is he can growl and shout in tune. I enjoyed this performance but that’s because he got to growl and shout most of it and not because he’s anything special.
Louis calls bullshit that Jamie’s ignored the theme and isn’t doing a Big Band song. Dannii says there was less magic. They’re both right. The worrying thing is Simon refuses to acknowledge this and thinks Jamie will sail through to the finals because he likes him. His betting odds, and Jamie’s only okay performances, say otherwise.
4. JOE – ‘And I despise that I adore you’
Or despise that I can stand you. Either way, Joe has grown on me in a way that the annoying grinning teenage X Factor contestants of previous years never could. Compare Joe to Quigg or Quinn and you’ll see what I mean.
Joe’s VT is about what a nice person he is. Meh. And also features Buble telling Joe he has to be sexy. Both Buble and Louis Walsh tell us that Joe is definitely not sexy. Ha! Well, not compared to them.
When the intro to Sway began I LOLd. Joe is even less of a Latin sex God than the Grimes brothers. At least they have the right parts. Joe starts off meek and weak and grins inanely in the hopes this will make him sexy. There are no women on stage which make little sense considering it’s a seduction number. The dancing is good and Joe is game. His weird phrasing really irks me when he sings ‘violins’ though. Not as good as last week but it was fine.
Louis praises Joe for being nice backstage and Dannii praises his snakehips. Simon says he needs to be more modern and credible. Joe takes this graciously and will no doubt do a Script song next week to show us how modern and credible he is.
5. DANYL – ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified’
Massive gay Danyl’s VT is informative as we learn his Mum has a perfectly normal speaking voice. Which makes Danyl’s rugger-bugger hyper-articulate whisper all the odder. I’ve never heard masterclass pronounced with three long As. Buble speaks here but says little. I suppose boring attracts boring.
Danyl does Feeling Good, undoubtedly because Simon liked when the gay off Idol did it a few months and also because someone does this song every year. Rumours he’s doing the Muse arrangement prove false as he’s doing Buble’s weird Bond theme arrangement instead. Danyl pulls very odd faces when he sings, almost like he’s about to cough up a hairball rather than another overblown, meaningless yell, and has the eyes of a furby. He’s also doing a Nina Simone impression and singing through the nose of someone in the Deep South. Or like he’s a guitar being tuned. It’s irritating and unpleasant but is well-sung.
In the bottom two, Danyl repeats his audition song. Pretty much note for note. It’s as interesting as hearing a boring singer cover the same song for the second time can be. He’s kept in because he’s 'an amazing singer.' Really? Simon looks a little defeated by Danyl’s failure and hints on The Xtra Factor it could be to do with bad press. Yes, Simon, that’s it. None of us worked out Danyl is a tool ourselves.
6. RACHEL – ‘Get a pedicure, get your hair did’
Comeback queen Rachel humbly tells us in her VT she’s amazed she’s always in the bottom two as she’s a great person and a great singer. We see clips from last week of her being rubbish then better then saved. Her tantrum last week is handily edited out.
She’s doing ‘Proud Mary.’ Ha! Maybe she’s coming out? Her hair is flattened and her dress is cheap but it’s a huge aesthetic improvement from the Sgt Pepper’s Always Going To Be Lonely Hearts Club jacket she’s been wearing before. Vocally, she’s not doing the foghorn bit either and sounds much better. The wailing is impressive and expressive and, just to please Louis, she’s having a little dance too.
Louis loves it and begs the public to vote for her. Simon praises her for not whining and improving instead. Rachel then does a very good Stacey impression to appear more likable and win votes. It is very odd to watch and not ingratiating. The quality of the performance, ropey as it was, saves her anyway.
7. STACEY – ‘Waiting for a star to a fall’
Stacey’s VT is as charming as ever as she weeps for her adorable son. She also does a brilliant Buble impression. Hats off to Dagenham!
If only the performance were as good. It starts off very pleasantly: she’s singing When You Wish Upon A Star which is one of the best from the Disney canon. She has wide hips and shimmies gently. She has the best singing voice out of this rabble (NB singing voice, not shouting voice) but it’s still kind of dull. Her wide hips and shimmying dancing is not enough to stop it being dull. Or robotic or lifeless. Then she yells and it’s sharp and unnecessary. I don’t know we’ve got a season full of yellers but we do. Note to contestants, Leona and Alexandra did not yell. They sang well.
Louis says it was an emotional performance, which is the only time I disagreed with Louis tonight. Cheryl says it wasn’t her best but that Stacey is ‘a great girl.’ Simon says she just stood there and needs to perform. Maybe she should do She Bangs. I’d like to see a singer try it too.
8. OLLY – ‘Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzz’
I will give fifty p to anyone who can work out what song the above lyrics are taken from.
Olly and Buble get on very well, as two men with melting faces and giant ears are bound to do. Buble says Olly’s song is ‘not on one of the most popular songs of all time’ which is quite a diss considering Buble only ever sings the most popular songs of all time.
He sings Bewitched and there are slutty dancers with party hats on. He wears braces and ‘dances’ with gammy legs. The singing is fine though his tine is still thin and odd. He is charismatic though and throws in lots of ‘heys’ and ‘hoos’ for good measure. This is not modern in any way.
The judges love it and Louis is full of praise for the dancing. They speak of growth and craft. I didn’t hate it and I should hate it. My worry remains that he’ll win. He is a lot like Leon.
9. MISS FRANK – ‘Come into the world, spice up your life’
Miss Frank are doing That’s Life again which I knew was a mistake. No one wants a repeat, not this early on in the game. Buble did an awesome cover of this song with anonymous girl band wailing but doesn’t share this fact with the girls. He’s a humble man. Cheryl has doubts about a repeat and there are clichés abound with talk of making, breaking and capturing magic.
Graziella has a truncheon slash umbrella which is all too A Clockwork Orange for me. The band completely drown the girls out and the rap is amateur and doesn’t fit with the song at all. It’s slow and not in Spanish like their best raps. There are also judge references in the lyrics, which is so lame it’s like they’re in a school play and they’re rapping about the headmaster.
The judges rave about the rap and Simon says they look less rough this week. He likes that they’re humble and gracious. As we all do. The judges beg the public to vote for him, almost as if they know what’s coming. Louis shakes his head when the girls speak and it’s unclear why.
In the bottom two, Miss Frank win some cool points singing an obscure-ish Madonna song. It’s not really a song to show off your voice as you’d expect from a Madonna song. They shove a rap in this song as a contingency plan but it’s all too late. The judges cannot agree on the evictee and Miss Frank are kicked out for having the fewest public votes. I am sad about this as I think Miss Frank have more potential post-show than Danyl and I also really wanted to see them sing En Vogue one week.
10. LLOYD – ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
Lloyd should go. I am over him.
In his VT, we learn he was embarrassed to sing. I bet he was on the Basketball team and Vanessa Hudgens brought out his love of singing and he learned he could be in both groups and still have great hair. Lloyd’s sister has a funny accent a great deal more personality. Buble says Lloyd should enjoy himself when he sings. I suppose it’s unlikely we’ll enjoy it too whatever happens so that’s reasonable advice. Simon says Lloyd better not do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon.
Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon and it’s rubbish. He has no range, no flair, no tone. It’s uncomfortable to hear Lloyd’s thick monotone nudging against notes rather than hitting them. It’s also uncomfortable to watch Lloyd be that uncomfortable on stage. Lloyd does a backflip and it livens things up but is completely inappropriate. I know this song well, as we all do, but when sung by Lloyd you can’t even tell what the lyrics are. He’s so shit he’s not fit.
Louis says Big Band is not Lloyd’s thing. Oh, what is? He also says Lloyd should be in a boy band, presumably because there’ll be less singing that way. Simon tells him to be more confident. Dermot brats and tells the judges to give Lloyd a break. Simon quite reasonably retorts that the judges don’t have to be nicer and that Lloyd should just be better. In a way I’m looking forward to seeing his epic fail during Rock Week. But it’s so boring when he’s actually on stage fucking up. John & Edward got a lot of flack because it’s a singing competition and they can’t sing but Olly and Lloyd are pretty bad too. Only they have the "likability factor" and "the look" respectively. I know who I'd rather watch though. It's not a singing competition while Lloyd and Olly are still around. (And it'll be no fun when Grimes and Grimes are kicked off.)
1. There are judges and there are contestants
Louis Walsh is my favourite this year. He almost cried when John & Edward were booed, wailing ‘how dare you?’ at the audience like a drunk being asked to leave Somerfield. Simon Cowell is becoming increasingly hard to love, given his hyperbole and twin-hate, and the girls are also there. There are 9 acts left and they all have a pretty even share of my affections. Last year the show was OWNED by Diana then Beautiful Spanish Ruth, then Alex/Alexandra. This year, the best singer changes weekly and I only have a novelty act to feel invested in.
2. There was a shock bottom two
The congenial but mediocre girl group Miss Frank joined the greatest artist ever in the history of Simon Cowell’s short term memory, Danyl Johnson, in the bottom two. I can’t say I was bothered by this but I was shocked. Especially considering how bad Lloyd is and how no one likes Rachel. The good news is Danyl won’t win now. No winner has ever been in the bottom two, though runner-ups frequently have.
3. I fucking love Michael Bublé
He is a man of the people. He is squirmy and uncomfortable on stage. His looks are laughable, unphotographable. He went on American Idol a few years ago looking pissed to his gills. See? He’s just like us. He sings songs everyone knows and likes, such as Cry Me A River and Feelin’ Good. Sometimes he does silly arrangements, such as tonight, and makes everything sound like a Bond theme and in turn makes the listener feel like a superspy. It is very easy to get on board with Michael Bublé in all his gnome-eared, fug-faced glory. Westlife are harder to deal with and no supply of silly laser effects will change this. I like how their new song is a Daughtry cover. I suppose it makes life cheaper if you cover your boss’s other artists on your boss’s TV show.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘She bangs! She bangs!’
Oh I’m still not sick of John & Edward and they completely deserve this top place, despite some stiff competition this week.
The Grimes VT made me laugh audibly, which was a good warm-up for their performance. Bublé doesn’t pretend they’re vocalists and instead advises they ‘dance their little butts off.’ Oh Bublé, you big flirt. Simon Cowell pretends he wants them to leave even though they’re helping ratings no end and last week Simon said he’d rather they stayed than the boring people. Simon is rubbish this year.
The Grimes showmen come to stage from the audience (as did the just-as-hammy Rhydian a few years ago) in bright pink and lime green suits. They sing Ricky Martin to a gaggle of dancers tramping around in their pants on a high stage. At one point, the twins’ “dance routine” involves them spitroasting a dancer; at another, they are straddled, and kind of get bummed, by a woman with clearly loose morals. At times things get very innocent and they do the Saturday Night Fever arm-point: they remind us here that they are virgins who share a bedroom and have serious self-awareness issues and remind us they are not latin sex bombs. Let it also be known that there are giant balloons with arms and the Grimes’ faces printed on them. There is a key change to make Westlife envious also. Louis laughs the whole time and dances in his chair. Louis wins the series’ highest single awarding of cool points for this. I will give him 7 I think.
Dannii is torn because they can’t sing but give a great performance. You’d think this would appeal to a Minogue. Cheryl calls them a guilty pleasure and Simon says it’d be rubbish on radio. Well, yes Simon, but this is a TV show. And no one will listen to Olly, Danyl and Jamie on the radio in a year so shush. One of the twins looks very sad but one of the twins also looks sad when they’re booed. I just wish I knew if it was the same twin every week.
2. LUCIE – ‘Big girls, they don’t cry-y-y-y-y’
On Lucie’s VT her parents call her a slob and an overeater. Ha! Michael Buble says ‘beautiful, kid’ to Lucie because he thinks ‘kid’ is a cool term of address that only the most swinging cats can use. I still fucking love Michael Buble but I can’t be bothered putting the accent in his name every time. Forgive me, Michael! Buble also worries she’ll oversing it which becomes good advice when you watch it but at the time seemed very obvious. Both Dannii and Yvie think she’s got the perfect song to show off her voice.
And they’re right. She sings My Funny Valentine and sounds gorgeous. It’s very subtle but still has runs and whistles. The ear dances because every time you think she’ll yell or ruin it she instead pulls it back, coos and sighs. There is a bit too much wailing towards the end but there has to be some wailing on this show.
Louis says it was incredible and Cheryl says it ‘was all over your face.’ Maybe that’s Newcastle for something because it makes no sense. Simon says it was an actress’s performance and Louis yells at him for talking jive. Simon looks sheepish and gives up because he knows he’s been caught trolling. Lucie looks disappointed and rightly so. That was the best vocal of the live shows this year and she deserved 4 good comments.
3. JAMIE – ‘It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife’
Or a rock song when it’s not rock week ‘til November. Let this song choice be the third piece of evidence that Simon is off his game this year.
Jamie’s VT recaps his inexplicably-praised Christina cover and then Buble chips in with some new inexplicable praise for Jamie’s ‘unique style.’ It’s not unique in a 70s-themed brothel. Quiet down, MB. There is then some song change drama whereby the always-right Simon realised he’d chosen the wrong song and gave Jamie 24 hours to learn a new one. 24 hours to learn a two-minute cover? This is impossible, yes?
Well no. Jamie is a pro of sorts and manages to not forget the lyrics to a U2 song with very few lyrics. My problem with Jamie is that he’s not a rock-star, not even by this show’s standards. He’s not a soul singer either. He’s a wimpy man with a wimpy voice whose saving grace is he can growl and shout in tune. I enjoyed this performance but that’s because he got to growl and shout most of it and not because he’s anything special.
Louis calls bullshit that Jamie’s ignored the theme and isn’t doing a Big Band song. Dannii says there was less magic. They’re both right. The worrying thing is Simon refuses to acknowledge this and thinks Jamie will sail through to the finals because he likes him. His betting odds, and Jamie’s only okay performances, say otherwise.
4. JOE – ‘And I despise that I adore you’
Or despise that I can stand you. Either way, Joe has grown on me in a way that the annoying grinning teenage X Factor contestants of previous years never could. Compare Joe to Quigg or Quinn and you’ll see what I mean.
Joe’s VT is about what a nice person he is. Meh. And also features Buble telling Joe he has to be sexy. Both Buble and Louis Walsh tell us that Joe is definitely not sexy. Ha! Well, not compared to them.
When the intro to Sway began I LOLd. Joe is even less of a Latin sex God than the Grimes brothers. At least they have the right parts. Joe starts off meek and weak and grins inanely in the hopes this will make him sexy. There are no women on stage which make little sense considering it’s a seduction number. The dancing is good and Joe is game. His weird phrasing really irks me when he sings ‘violins’ though. Not as good as last week but it was fine.
Louis praises Joe for being nice backstage and Dannii praises his snakehips. Simon says he needs to be more modern and credible. Joe takes this graciously and will no doubt do a Script song next week to show us how modern and credible he is.
5. DANYL – ‘At first I was afraid, I was petrified’
Massive gay Danyl’s VT is informative as we learn his Mum has a perfectly normal speaking voice. Which makes Danyl’s rugger-bugger hyper-articulate whisper all the odder. I’ve never heard masterclass pronounced with three long As. Buble speaks here but says little. I suppose boring attracts boring.
Danyl does Feeling Good, undoubtedly because Simon liked when the gay off Idol did it a few months and also because someone does this song every year. Rumours he’s doing the Muse arrangement prove false as he’s doing Buble’s weird Bond theme arrangement instead. Danyl pulls very odd faces when he sings, almost like he’s about to cough up a hairball rather than another overblown, meaningless yell, and has the eyes of a furby. He’s also doing a Nina Simone impression and singing through the nose of someone in the Deep South. Or like he’s a guitar being tuned. It’s irritating and unpleasant but is well-sung.
In the bottom two, Danyl repeats his audition song. Pretty much note for note. It’s as interesting as hearing a boring singer cover the same song for the second time can be. He’s kept in because he’s 'an amazing singer.' Really? Simon looks a little defeated by Danyl’s failure and hints on The Xtra Factor it could be to do with bad press. Yes, Simon, that’s it. None of us worked out Danyl is a tool ourselves.
6. RACHEL – ‘Get a pedicure, get your hair did’
Comeback queen Rachel humbly tells us in her VT she’s amazed she’s always in the bottom two as she’s a great person and a great singer. We see clips from last week of her being rubbish then better then saved. Her tantrum last week is handily edited out.
She’s doing ‘Proud Mary.’ Ha! Maybe she’s coming out? Her hair is flattened and her dress is cheap but it’s a huge aesthetic improvement from the Sgt Pepper’s Always Going To Be Lonely Hearts Club jacket she’s been wearing before. Vocally, she’s not doing the foghorn bit either and sounds much better. The wailing is impressive and expressive and, just to please Louis, she’s having a little dance too.
Louis loves it and begs the public to vote for her. Simon praises her for not whining and improving instead. Rachel then does a very good Stacey impression to appear more likable and win votes. It is very odd to watch and not ingratiating. The quality of the performance, ropey as it was, saves her anyway.
7. STACEY – ‘Waiting for a star to a fall’
Stacey’s VT is as charming as ever as she weeps for her adorable son. She also does a brilliant Buble impression. Hats off to Dagenham!
If only the performance were as good. It starts off very pleasantly: she’s singing When You Wish Upon A Star which is one of the best from the Disney canon. She has wide hips and shimmies gently. She has the best singing voice out of this rabble (NB singing voice, not shouting voice) but it’s still kind of dull. Her wide hips and shimmying dancing is not enough to stop it being dull. Or robotic or lifeless. Then she yells and it’s sharp and unnecessary. I don’t know we’ve got a season full of yellers but we do. Note to contestants, Leona and Alexandra did not yell. They sang well.
Louis says it was an emotional performance, which is the only time I disagreed with Louis tonight. Cheryl says it wasn’t her best but that Stacey is ‘a great girl.’ Simon says she just stood there and needs to perform. Maybe she should do She Bangs. I’d like to see a singer try it too.
8. OLLY – ‘Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzz’
I will give fifty p to anyone who can work out what song the above lyrics are taken from.
Olly and Buble get on very well, as two men with melting faces and giant ears are bound to do. Buble says Olly’s song is ‘not on one of the most popular songs of all time’ which is quite a diss considering Buble only ever sings the most popular songs of all time.
He sings Bewitched and there are slutty dancers with party hats on. He wears braces and ‘dances’ with gammy legs. The singing is fine though his tine is still thin and odd. He is charismatic though and throws in lots of ‘heys’ and ‘hoos’ for good measure. This is not modern in any way.
The judges love it and Louis is full of praise for the dancing. They speak of growth and craft. I didn’t hate it and I should hate it. My worry remains that he’ll win. He is a lot like Leon.
9. MISS FRANK – ‘Come into the world, spice up your life’
Miss Frank are doing That’s Life again which I knew was a mistake. No one wants a repeat, not this early on in the game. Buble did an awesome cover of this song with anonymous girl band wailing but doesn’t share this fact with the girls. He’s a humble man. Cheryl has doubts about a repeat and there are clichés abound with talk of making, breaking and capturing magic.
Graziella has a truncheon slash umbrella which is all too A Clockwork Orange for me. The band completely drown the girls out and the rap is amateur and doesn’t fit with the song at all. It’s slow and not in Spanish like their best raps. There are also judge references in the lyrics, which is so lame it’s like they’re in a school play and they’re rapping about the headmaster.
The judges rave about the rap and Simon says they look less rough this week. He likes that they’re humble and gracious. As we all do. The judges beg the public to vote for him, almost as if they know what’s coming. Louis shakes his head when the girls speak and it’s unclear why.
In the bottom two, Miss Frank win some cool points singing an obscure-ish Madonna song. It’s not really a song to show off your voice as you’d expect from a Madonna song. They shove a rap in this song as a contingency plan but it’s all too late. The judges cannot agree on the evictee and Miss Frank are kicked out for having the fewest public votes. I am sad about this as I think Miss Frank have more potential post-show than Danyl and I also really wanted to see them sing En Vogue one week.
10. LLOYD – ‘Should I stay or should I go now?’
Lloyd should go. I am over him.
In his VT, we learn he was embarrassed to sing. I bet he was on the Basketball team and Vanessa Hudgens brought out his love of singing and he learned he could be in both groups and still have great hair. Lloyd’s sister has a funny accent a great deal more personality. Buble says Lloyd should enjoy himself when he sings. I suppose it’s unlikely we’ll enjoy it too whatever happens so that’s reasonable advice. Simon says Lloyd better not do something obvious like Fly Me To The Moon.
Lloyd sings Fly Me To The Moon and it’s rubbish. He has no range, no flair, no tone. It’s uncomfortable to hear Lloyd’s thick monotone nudging against notes rather than hitting them. It’s also uncomfortable to watch Lloyd be that uncomfortable on stage. Lloyd does a backflip and it livens things up but is completely inappropriate. I know this song well, as we all do, but when sung by Lloyd you can’t even tell what the lyrics are. He’s so shit he’s not fit.
Louis says Big Band is not Lloyd’s thing. Oh, what is? He also says Lloyd should be in a boy band, presumably because there’ll be less singing that way. Simon tells him to be more confident. Dermot brats and tells the judges to give Lloyd a break. Simon quite reasonably retorts that the judges don’t have to be nicer and that Lloyd should just be better. In a way I’m looking forward to seeing his epic fail during Rock Week. But it’s so boring when he’s actually on stage fucking up. John & Edward got a lot of flack because it’s a singing competition and they can’t sing but Olly and Lloyd are pretty bad too. Only they have the "likability factor" and "the look" respectively. I know who I'd rather watch though. It's not a singing competition while Lloyd and Olly are still around. (And it'll be no fun when Grimes and Grimes are kicked off.)
Thursday, 22 October 2009
Bad news and good news
My smash hit blog is suddenly getting fewer hits. Where once there were literally dozens of people searching for bizarre things on Google and getting me, now there are too few. I will correct this with the following:
"JLS shirtless pics"
"Oliver murs openly gay?"
"Dannii homofobe"
"Twins john edward awesome"
"Cheryl cries a-fuckin-gain"
Also, a piece of literary fiction has been published here and is not by Thex Factor. Shame!
Dannii would say it had a few bum notes but the other judges would go crazy over it. You'll also notice it has been published in the same journal as genuinely successful and arguably famous people. I'm so ranking myself first this week.
"JLS shirtless pics"
"Oliver murs openly gay?"
"Dannii homofobe"
"Twins john edward awesome"
"Cheryl cries a-fuckin-gain"
Also, a piece of literary fiction has been published here and is not by Thex Factor. Shame!
Dannii would say it had a few bum notes but the other judges would go crazy over it. You'll also notice it has been published in the same journal as genuinely successful and arguably famous people. I'm so ranking myself first this week.
Monday, 19 October 2009
Thex Factor – Diva Week – ‘A diva is a female version of a hustler, of a hustler, of a of a hustler’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)
2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.
3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.
2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.
3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)
4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?
5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.
6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?
7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.
8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.
9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.
10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.
11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.
1. It is diva week
This theme makes more sense than musical heroes week but is still a bit wooly. Whitney Houston is the guest mentor and a lot of Whitney songs get covered so why they didn’t make it Whitney week is unclear. Also, all the VTs feature adorable baby pictures of the contestants, and ace video footage of when Joe was fat, which would have been better suited to ‘year you were born week,’ ‘contestants’ choice’ week’ or indeed ‘musical heroes week.’ Also I refuse to believe a diva week can have no Mariah. (Though, of course, Mariah week last year only featured two original solo Mariah songs so I can’t say I’m surprised. I think they is very ignorant.)
2. Whitney Houston and Cheryl Cole have no business judging anyone
During her masterclasses, Whitney sang her own songs constantly and gave mentally sound advice such as ‘open your mouth,’ ‘dance more’ and ‘stand.’ She also speaks like an am dram actress doing Blanche DuBois. Clive Davis attended also and is so orange he’s black. During her performance, she openly gives up on the lip syncing to play with her guitar. She’s also kind of an ass to Dermot during the interview and comes off as a really terrible role model. You just know she had any mention of Mariah Carey banned from this week’s shows. (Also, it’s quite an achievement that she made former mentor Celine Dion seem balanced and other former mentor Mariah Carey seem humble.)
By comparison, Cheryl chose bizarre songs for her boys, that only one could handle, and then wept several times when she realised how poorly she’d mentored them. Her performance was live but shocking as her voice trembled and was flat and harsh throughout. The dancing was okay but her movements were hesitant, nervous. She also wore the world’s biggest visor so we couldn’t see the fear in her eyes.
3. Miss Walsh wasn’t there
And I missed him greatly. It’s no fun when he’s not there telling people they can, can’t or should dance. Or telling Danyl he’s not likable.
On with the rankings….
1. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘Welcome to the house of fun’
John & Edward have just turned eighteen and on their VT they discuss both their love of brilliant boy band Five and Cheryl’s ‘you can’t sing – fact’ diss from last week. They say she’s wrong and are going to sing a very difficult Britney song to show this. There are no difficult Britney songs so I doubt they’ll show anything much but I admire their tenacity. They sassily paraphrase Cole and say they’ll prove they can sing. Fact.
And they prove nothing of the sort. Much like Eoghan last year, they’ve been forced to learn that Britney songs are “too big for them.” They are doing Oops! I Did It Again and at one point my laughs become so girlish and squealy, I start hiccupping. You must watch this on YouTube to see the rubber romper suits. The dance routine is jerky and wonderful. They are so uncoordinated and out of sync that you have to assume it’s on purpose. There are spacemen dancers wearing helmets. The vocals retain their low quality throughout but there is potential for the Grimeses if they’re autotuned to hell like the High School Musical lot. The good shit really comes when they tackle the ‘I thought the old lady dropped into the ocean at the end’ interlude. Which, when performed by two brothers, is just wrong and only adds to my ‘these boys were born for twin porn’ theory. Maybe they’d be better at that because the singing is not so much for them. They receive some undeserved boos and then Dannii says they’re bad singers very tactfully and wins back her title as the most sensible judge, which she lost during the ‘I bet you liked singing a girl’s song, fruitcake’ drama of last week. All three present judges praise this performance for its entertainment value, though Simon’s praise is far too reluctant and qualified. (He grew to love Chico, and mentored Eoghan and Same Difference, so I don’t get why he’s being so fussy about these two.)
When they sail through to next week, and Riccky is eliminated, Cheryl bitches about the unfairness of this and namechecks them. Because she’s a dick this week and every.
John & Edward could well be the worst vocalists to ever grace the top twelve but their performance is the only one I’d want to watch again online or show to people during a very modern gathering. For all the right reasons, I have to rank them first.
2. JOE – ‘Next day I’m a supergirl, out to save the world and it keeps gettin’ better’
Joe’s VT is about how last week was ‘the best night of me life’ and how he used to be fat. Or ‘podgy.’ I like him more now that he has a shameful past. The insincere grinning and dead eyes make more sense belonging to someone newly-thin. Whitney says his vocal was beautiful and he takes this as a compliment. I think there’s an air of ‘Dannii Moir’ about that compliment but maybe I’m less well-adjusted than Joe.
I barely know the song but it’s big and very catchy. Simon is caught on camera singing along and rocking back and forth in his chair. The accent has become less annoying and, to repeat a point, the tone is very Disney and American Tween commercial. This song is as cool as a racist accountant but it’s very well sung. The runs are impressive and don’t get in the way. All in all, well done Joe.
The girls are effusive and Simon rightly says it was note perfect. He also says Joe should raise his shoulders. And destroy his everyman charm, Simon? I smell sabotage.
3. STACEY – ‘Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match’
Stacey’s VT replays her performance last week and I suddenly realise how lispy it was. I must have had the beer goggles on. We learn Stacey sang Celine Dion at a wedding and used to have braces. And that she was anxious to meet Whitney because she worried ‘she looked like a tramp.’ Oh, lovely Stacey, when you’re meeting a crack ho, that’s fine. The VT also tries to make drama out of the fact Stacey doesn’t know her song ‘At Last’ and that she’ll forget her words. Everyone knows that song and Stacey is a pro so on these points I call undeniable bullshit.
Stacey sings very well with handy runs and glory notes. Her tone and inflections are gorgeous and it is a pleasure to listen to. On my notes, I wrote ‘relaxed’ and ‘effortless’ and ticked lots. However, I didn’t write ‘exciting.’ I can’t help but feel we’re still seeing Stacey at half mast. She needs a breakthrough performance sharpish or else this could be a year when a novelty act wins (and that I’m okay with that.)
4. OLLY – ‘Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner’
Olly’s VT gives us a horrible reminder of the thuggish fist pumping he did on last week’s results night. We are also instructed once again that he’s 25 and asked to believe this. I am 24 and I look years younger than this jughead. Olly is thrilled because Whitney is bobbing along during his masterclass performance. Oh, innocent Olly, she is drunk and/or trying to seem likable, so don’t read too much into it.
It’s clear that Olly has a very thin voice for such a fat head. But then he gets into his stride quickly. He’s redoing an obscure Tina Turner song as a big bang number with shimmying dancers. Which I have to say is an ingenious way of getting round the problem that this theme requires a bad male singer to cover a good female singer. He’s not straining at all and there aren’t the usual tics and flaws in his vocal. At one point the shimmying dancers clap in unison and it’s wonderful. He dances and sings without embarrassing himself, which is an improvement on usual and on Robbie last week. I’ve ranked my three previous least favourites in the top four this week and I have surprised myself. It is a very even playing field this year.
The audience roar and the judges love it. Simon gives Olly a standing o and then says he’s fallen in love with him. Simon then feels the need to qualify that he hasn’t actually fallen in love with Olly and that you’ve dropped your gay card and not him. Is Olly the new Leon?
5. JAMIE AFRO – ‘I’ve acted out my life on stages’
Dingy stages I hope. On his VT, Jamie sticks out his bottom lip and tells us that last week Louis said he wasn’t versatile. He found this “vewy hurtful.” Oh butch up bitch, at least he didn’t say you were innately dislikeable. From his baby pictures, we learn he used to have better hair and ergo that age does not equal wisdom. When your hair looked better when your Mum cut it for you, there is a problem there. There’s also a problem when you go all fangirl over Whitney and say she’s like your favourite female singer ever. I bet Jamie listens to One Moment In Time in the bath. Rawk!
Jamie’s performance stops off every poorly. He botches the lyrics twice in three lines and I just don’t like the tone of his voice. Much like the other presumed frontrunner Danyl, he only sounds good when he’s shouting. (This was the same for my favourite Beautiful, Spanish Ruth last year but at least she had the good sense to shout every word.) There is a tremor in his voice that makes him sound a little boy. Or like Louis’s just said something vewy vewy hurtyful. The song improves when it becomes a rock ballad but doing a rock ballad doesn’t exactly show his versatility.
The judges love it and I love the judges less as a result. There is nothing natural about the way Jamie sings. Simon says the girls could be more enthusiastic but they thought up nicer things to say than I ever could.
6. DANYL – ‘I’m your product, it’s vital you sell me’
Danyl’s VT relives some of the awesome comments from last week but sadly not the one where Dannii reminded him he’s a shirtlifter. Danyl informs us that he is confident but not cocky. Simon repeats this and Cheryl disagrees. He’s singing Whitney’s US single, which Simon rather tactlessly says ‘no one’s ever heard of.’ Whitney and Clive tell Danyl to stick to the melody and not trill and yell like a dickhead. Ha!
Danyl sings and there is no melody whatsoever but as I don’t know the song I don’t know whether this is Danyl’s fault. The song is so lyrically dense (yet still vapid) that Danyl almost has to rap to fit all the words in. Then a gospel choir appears to no avail. His tone is unpleasant and the big shouty glory note is not well-handled and feels out of place.
Dannii says it was flawless to avoid seeming like a bigot. Cheryl likes it and Simon loves it. Why?
7. MISS FRANK – ‘Standing on their own two feet and ringing on their own bells’
Miss Frank take a short walk from ‘gracious’ to ‘spineless’ when they take Simon’s insult from last week that two of them are bookends as a huge compliment. Their home videos don’t make them look like creepy stageschool kids and they’re nice about absent mentor Louis. They will win Miss Congeniality for sure but the big prize looks increasingly out of reach. I don’t think they’ll even be top group.
Their song, which again I’ve never heard before, starts roughly as the two bookends wail nervously. It’s very odd listening to them. It sounds exactly like they’ve just been crying or are about to cry. Graziella is so the best and the song and its wailing becomes pleasant only when she’s soloing. Then the harmonies kick in and it’s a horrible, if passionate, noise. There are bum notes aplenty.
Dannii gives them the good advice that they’ll perform better and gain confidence if they’re physically closer. Cheryl is full of praise for their attitude but Simon rightly notes the pitch problems. He has no time for excuses. Miss Frank are good sportswomen as always when they receive criticism. When told they lack originality, Graziella smiles with her eyes and nods as if she’s dreaming up a prog rock Leona cover with Spanish rapping.
8. RACHEL – ‘I’m the one cos I’m still here’
Rachel’s VT is all about her shocking and undeserved trip to the bottom two that was actually neither of those things. I saw it coming and she had it coming. She was ranked bottom last week for good reasons.
Simon is snooty about Dannii giving the unconfident Rachel a big diva song like Beyoncé’s to sing. It’s diva week, Simon. Stfu.
Whitney says Rachel will be excellent but Clive says the first line should be better. This is vaguely constructive advice and it becomes clear why Clive has been so successful. If you want to be a megastar also just make sure that the first line of whatever wank you sing is good.
The first line of Rachel’s performance is fine (thanks, Clive!) but after that it suffers. Her accent and phrasing is cool but the Sgt Pepper outfit and earthquake hair are not. She’s going for big notes and ignoring the content of the songs. She’s singing a song about a cuckolded woman as a cutesy, love song: bobbing her head, pointing and grinning. Even worse, she is so limited vocally that every big note she mindlessly goes for falls flat. There is no pay off here.
Cheryl says ‘you came out fighting,’ which does not equal ‘you came out and sang well.’ Simon says ‘he liked it’, which does not equal ‘he loved it’ and says he’s frustrated. Dannii says ‘you’ve arrived,’ which does not equal ‘you’re good.’
Rachel’s relegated to the bottom two again. Her performance of With or Without You is her best for ages and better than a lot of the Saturday night ones. Cold is the word to use about her though. When she speaks she seems cold and robotic. When she sings, she does the same basic moves (the yell, the point, the wink) completely irrespective of the song she’s doing. It makes her seem heartless and emotionally unaware and, of course, cold. No wonder the public don’t like her. Joe is creepy and Olly is useless but at least we understand those things. Rachel is a closed book that we wouldn’t want to read if we could anyway.
9. RICKI – ‘Go ricki, go ricki, go ricki’
Ricckiy’s VT covers many topics including his love of his hats, his mother’s love for him and Simon’s hatred of him. Whitney tells him to be better and recommends he knows what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t, Whitney. Also: that’s not advice. Yvie wins the night’s most cool points by saying Respect ‘has so many diva parts to it and that’s why it’s a good song, when it’s good.’ Ha!
The singing is not much better than John & Edward and about a millionth as funny. In fact, the singing is bizarre. The backing singers look great in ball gowns and Ricky looks almost not ugly without the hat but there’s nothing to love here. And that includes the scary-ass high note that comes at the end. Ricci smiles and thinks this is all going well.
Dannii Minogue compares Ricky to Will Young, to which I can only say: Ha! Simon praises Rickkky for his guts but not for his voice. Simon says the performance was uncomfortable and not great. Rik rolls his eyes and brattily talks back to Simon. His card is marked then and a day later Simon gets to eliminate him. After a limp Westlife cover and a whole lot of sulky face, that is.
10. LUCIE – ‘My, my, my, Delilah’
Lucie’s VT tries to repeat the ‘ooh I’ll have to sing and dance at the same time’ drama that Alex was stuck with last year. I also notice how much Lucie looks like a less whorish version of Katherine McPhee. Google it, it’s eerie.
She sings How Will I Know and descends from the sky in a plastic seat shaped like a bubble. Her voice is shrill and the arrangement is cheap. The whole affair is very annoying: she was told last week she wasn’t good enough to sing Leona so the response to this is to sing Whitney? Mindboggling. She yelps and sounds very much in pain. The dancing was fun but John & Edward set the bar for this much higher later in the episode.
Cheryl says she’s not connecting but can dance in heels. The good doesn’t exactly outweigh the bad there. Simon reminds her she’s no Whitney and the song choice was stupid. He is however impressed that she’s trying to be younger. How’s that, you ask? Because da yoot love 80s Whitney.
11. LLOYD – ‘Why, why, why, Delilah’
It’s an all-Welsh bottom two on the rankings as Lloyd goes from having the worst vocal to just being the worst. In his VT he is fit and has a nice accent. There is no mention of how dreadful his vocals were last week, and Whitney is full of praise for his tone. This may be a ruse so what comes next comes as more of a surprise.
Yvie says Lloyd is nervous about his song and should be nervous. Ha! I bet Cheryl roughed up Yvie in a toilet once because she’s got no time for the nation’s sweetheart, her boys or her song choices this week.
Lloyd is doing Bleeding Love, using what I assume to be the Jesse McCartney arrangement. There’s a guitar. There’s also a distinct lack of the good singing or the cool production. It works for about two lines but then, again, the singer is far too cheery for what is a bleak song. And also, barely a singer.
Then the chorus kicks in, we lose the guitar, and the world’s cheapest backing track takes over. The tempo is off. The singing is off. He half-attempts some glory notes and fails: destroying our perception of him as a singer, destroying any chance of using subtlety as a get-out-plan.
I’m not saying Lloyd has to hit every note and wail banshee-like like on Leona’s original, but he can’t even sing the word ‘keep’ in the right key. And when the bulk of the song is the words ‘keep keep bleeding’ over and over, that’s a real problem.
Dannii says it was half-hearted and Simon says in his own words ‘be glad you fit, be sad you shit.’ He lambastes the vocal and the song choice and Cheryl’s mentoring. Cheryl starts crying because she knows she fucked this one up. All she has to do with someone like Lloyd until at least week five is have him look good and sound not terrible. She failed. Lloyd leaves the stage to hug her, and Simon pecks her on the cheek, but we can all see and hear that that performance was rubbish.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Thex Factor – Live Shows 1 – ‘And through it all, she offers me protection’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?
2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."
3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]
4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]
5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.
On with the rankings….
1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]
2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]
3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]
4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Tim]
5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]
6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Tim]
7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]
8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]
9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]
10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]
11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?
12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]
1. We have judges and they have contestants
Louis Walsh looks after the groups and wants to fuck two of their number but no more. Simon Cowell looks after the oldies: all pretty annoying, pretty past it and pretty much not pretty enough to be popstars. Cheryl Cole looks after three big butch men and Dannii Minogue looks after three good girls who could probably drink Cheryl’s boys under the table. This week, Louis was calm, Cheryl and Simon bickered and Dannii was rude to sluts and queers. Who knew she was so conservative?
2. There is a guest columnist this week
This week's guest columnist is called Matt who you may remember from last year. I love when I can get all "Previously on Thex Factor..." I feel like I have my own TV show not just a blog about one! And there will be guest columnists future weeks. Please e-mail, facebook or leave a comment if you would like to "get involved."
3. It was “musical heroes” week
Except most of the contestants did Robbie Williams songs. And the contestants didn’t pick their own songs, or we assume nominate their own musical heroes, as I doubt Robert Palmer features too highly on Kandy Rain’s list of inspirations. I smell foul play here – perhaps there were some clearance issues with Robbie’s songs because it was clearly Robbie Williams week with some extra songs. Robbie gave little constructive advice and looked uncomfortable throughout. At least Gary Barlow told people off last year. When Robbie performed his new single, he was dreadful. In terms of song choice (or perhaps just song) and vocal, he was worse than any of the top 12. His dancing is of the standard of an Olly Murs lookalike at a bar mitzvah. He also kept interrupting his song to talk to the audience or the judges. If he was auditioning, Simon would say Robbie has picked up ‘some bad habits.’
[I missed most of Robbie’s performance on account of NOTHING HAPPENING in the first half hour on Sunday . What little I did see was bizarre. In the interests of keeping things libel-free, my only observation is that he did a very good impression of a man on crack - Matt]
4. And the Lord God said on the FIRST week, a woman born of man will be eliminated
It happens every year. Someone with a vagina goes home first. Even season three’s first eliminees, The Unconventionals, had at least one member without a member.
[Oh there was at least one cunt involved in The Unconventionals. - Matt]
5. The eliminations now happen on a Sunday
And I’m not too bothered about this change. Now the single best show I’ve ever seen (sorry, Simon) is on two nights a week! A boring, back-to-work Sunday was livened up by Alexandra whoring around with Flo Rida. And by a weird eulogy to Stephen Gately which was very weirdly followed up by a group number about how the top 12 were going to a cool party. Perhaps the cool party is the wake or perhaps the editing is quite insensitive. Robbie sang and was gash, Dannii apologised for being a bigot (more on that later) and Simon stood up for her. Then there was the usual ‘the next act who’ll sing again next week is…’ business. It was a good hour.
On with the rankings….
1. STACEY – ‘The best is yet to come and babe won’t it be fine?’
Stacey can be disappointing and still rank first. Why is this? How is this possible? And it’s not just because this was a night where no one was dreadful and no one was great. It’s more than that and I’ll tell you using some homosexual trivia: do you remember that stupid bit in Sex and the City where Aidan had made some furniture and tells us about how wood is more beautiful because it’s flawed. Well, the same is true of Stacey. She is awesome as oak and her imperfect wailing is more beautiful than the technically accurate cruiseship squeaks of Danyl and Lucie.
Her VT is charming as she giggles and gasps and omgs in Robbie Williams’s wishes-he-was-drunk presence. Dannii Minogue says she’s fallen in love with Stacey, which would explain why Dannii suddenly has dyke biker hair. I have fallen in love with Stacey too but it hasn’t affected my hairdo one bit. My hair, like Stacey’s, has never looked better.
Stacey sings a boring Coldplay song. (I know that sounds like a tautology but I think Coldplay have two or three not-boring songs and just as many less-boring songs) The performance is unsurprisingly a little boring and a little whiney but that’s only because it’s a whiney, boring song. Trouble would’ve been better. The Scientist is a dirge. Stacey sings with a pleasant tone and there are some flourishes. I know I don’t sound full of praise but this is the only song from this evening that I’d listen to a studio version of.
The judges say Stacey is lovely, that the performance was good and Simon says she’s better in a lower key. All these things are true.
[In many ways, this was the most disappointing performance of the night. One of the few decent singers had to work with a boring song by a boring band in a shoddy arrangement. There wasn’t much she could do with it. Mind you, she is fun in a let’s-laugh-at-the-blonde-Jew-girl kinda way - Matt]
2. DANYL – ‘Have some of column A, try all of column B’
Big bender Danyl’s VT focused on how Simon has picked a ridiculous song for him, which really is for a woman, and how it was a big risk. I was expecting a big anticlimax like he’d do Without You but I was wrong.
He’s singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going and begins with steely bedroom eyes. I laughed audibly and took a good thirty seconds to compose myself. I lold and rofld. It made Danyl look like a big drag queen and I can’t help but feel this song was done much better by that fat woman at Boot Camp. (What was her name? Her father was dead, yes? It feels easier to just forget her now.) [No idea about the name, but I liked her. She looked like she was having a fit during that performance. – Matt] The glory notes were good and the audience go batshit crazy but I know this was not the big “moment” that Simon wanted.
The judges’ comments were far more interesting. Louis says Danyl lacks likability which is true and also: Ha! Cheryl says he’s overconfident and hasn’t won yet. Danyl must be a dick backstage because the judges were pretty nice to everyone else, especially in terms of personality. Simon says it was one of the greatest performances he’d ever heard. Or, second best on an iffy night but we all rank differently. Dannii then makes some rubbish joke about how it’s not a stretch for Danyl to sing a girl’s song because we’ve read in the papers that he’s a massive fruit. Danyl says ‘I’m not ashamed’ and The X Factor becomes very briefly an 80s issues drama until Dermot comes on stage and the whole business is forgotten. I suppose after years of Louis and Simon telling each other on our screens ‘You’ve dropped your gay card,’ and the other replying ‘Nah, it’s yours’, this was bound to happen.
[The sad thing was, that was by far the most interesting moment of the show. A bad weekend for the gays between that and Stephen Gately. – Matt]
3. LUCIE – ‘I’m just a girl who can’t say no’
Did you know Lucie is a girl from a small town in Wales? I think this has been mentioned before but only in passing. They haven’t made a big deal about it so it would be easy to forget. Lucie is singing Leona because either she or Dannii cannot think of a subtler way to copy this show’s most successful contestant. Also, Simon has a writing credit on it so he’ll have to be nice about the performance.
Lucie’s performance is full of buts. It’s fine but it’s not great. It’s well sung but the big notes escape her. It’s probably the cleanest vocal of the night to but the most interesting thing about the performance is that the wind machine keeps blowing her hair into her mouth. Meh.
Simon says that Leona is all about hitting the notes, which is faint praise I think, and that Lucie’s not as good. Louis quite rightly says that Leona took a few weeks to hit her stride and Simon says “err you were watching a different show then” which is almost as toolish as “you’ve dropped your gay card.”
[She’s quite good, but I don’t think she’s a popstar, as Louis might say. I’d rather have seen Stacey S Club 8 go through to the finals. Not that she can sing particularly well, but, if I can bring back a much missed phrase from chavvy contestants a few years ago, she could have been the next X Factor. Lucie I can see going out midway through the series and being forgotten – Matt]
4. MISS FRANK – ‘I need me some ghetto romance’
I have so much time for Miss Frank. Personality-wise, they are approaching Stacey’s level of awesomeness.
Their VT reminds us that they were forced together during bootcamp but instead of whinging they say it’s nice to have someone else to support you during the stress. They tell us they like their jobs but they’d rather be singers. See, these are normal people. There’s no “it’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted and that my dead Dad wanted for me.” Miss Frank have goals and perspective. Robbie Williams gives them the ‘advice’ that they need to make us forget they were recently manufactured. Which would work if we hadn’t seen them being manufactured on TV a few weeks ago and if we weren’t reminded of this by the editors every time they’re on screen.
For a wonderful second I think they’re doing En Vogue but sadly they’re doing the Michael Jackson song that En Vogue sampled. It’s a dull song that’s been trotted out at least three times this year on Simon Cowell-fronted shows. It’s a bit shrill and muted too. If this performance was homework, I’d write ‘can do better. See me.’ I was however thrilled to learn that Graziella gets roars from the audience when she starts singing.
The judges are positive. Cheryl says they’re her favourite group but she thinks the twins are dicks and Kandy Rain are tramps so that’s not saying much. Simon says it was good but refers to two of the group as “bookends” and makes a point of saying he doesn’t know their names. It’s cruel and unnecessary and the girl looks defeated after. I think the bookends are ace.
[I don't know why Simon would admit to not knowing their names...he didn't know Olly's age either - Olly, HIS OWN CONTESTANT! - Matt]
[It might not be Simon's fault. Olly looks like he's been 25 for a long, long while - Tim]
5. JOE – ‘A working class hero is something to be’
On his VT, Joe says he lives in the top floor flat of a terrace. I don’t know why he thinks he’s on The Home Show. What are the floors like, Joe? Are you going to spruce the place up with some gorgeous fabric?
He sings my favourite Robbie song (No Regrets) and it’s not that bad. I’m as surprised as you that I’ve put this grinning moron in the top 5 of my rankings. The vocal is ok and he’s not thrown off by the horribly out-of-tune backing singer. His accent still annoys me though: ‘togeth-oh’ was the one that made me scratch skin off my arms. He doesn’t have the angst in his voice for the song’s content either. Maybe he thinks the song is about having No Regrets about anything ever because life is made up of naps, ice cream and puppies? Maybe he can’t understand Robbie Williams’s subtle sarcastic nuance? Either way, I’m not as angry about this performance as I thought I would be and I am willing to give Joe another shot. I still didn’t enjoy it though. Let’s get that much clear.
[Joe would be perfect as the 4th most important member of a boy band who can sing a bit, but he just doesn’t have the charisma to be a solo artist. That way I wouldn't have to look at his face every week for the next two months. I really hope Lloyd steals his target audience. - Matt]
6. JAMIE AFRO – ‘Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar’
Jamie’s VT is about how old and past it he is. This is ‘his last shot.’ Jamie is 34 and The X Factor makes out he’s almost dead. Possibly so they don’t have to admit he has many more years of failure to look forward to. Robbie says Jamie is a better singer than him, which is entirely true and entirely irrelevant. Robbie’s excellent advice is to be less boring at the beginning of songs and instead to ‘grab ‘em and keep ‘em there.’
Jamie takes this advice on board and bleats through a T Rex track. He looks desperate and lost. And I mean literally lost. He wanders around the stage with dead eyes as if he’s lost his glasses and can’t find the right platform for his train. There is a good end note though and then a silly fireworks display because his mentor Simon does not believe in playing fair.
Dannii says ‘go the fro’ and calls Louis ‘Miss Walsh’ because she’s clearly in no control of the words leaving her mouth tonight. Simon says Jamie is in a different league to the others. I don’t get it.
[Is this what Tabby was like in X Factor 1? Being 'rock' on this show is ill advised. Louis pretending to be a ma-hussive T Rex fan was hilarious though. Jamie confuses me, I would like someone to confirm his ethnicity, so we know where we stand, so to speak. - Matt]
[You should ask on a forum. I bet you'll get a lot of eye-roll emoticons - Tim]
7. RICCKY – ‘Girls who wants boys who dig girls like they’re boys’
On his VT, he says he wants audiences who’ll appreciate him more than the old men who go to old men’s pubs. He also needs to connect with the audience (which might be achieved if he was a better singer) and cry less.
I know there was a lot of chitter chatter about Danyl singing a girl’s song but at least someone thought through the song lyric changes. Ricciky’s cover was bizarre.
He sings Winehouse and changes the lyric ‘kept his dick wet’ to ‘kept her er et.’ He also vows to get on without his guy. This is not the only reason why him covering Winehouse didn’t work. He is far too bouncy – both visually and vocally – for such a bleak song. The glory notes are half-hearted too. It’s all a bit limp and if you’re doing Winehouse, you have to commit. Hope turned this track into a Phil Spector girl band wall-of-sound thing a few years ago and that was brilliant so it’s not a matter of some songs or artists being out of bounds. It’s just a matter of Ricckiy being poor.
[He doesn't connect at all. My money is on him to go next week. - Matt]
8. JOHN & EDWARD – ‘I can’t live if living is without you’
John and Edward tell us they are from a small town in Ireland called Dublin. Robbie Williams says they’re endearing and charming. I’m not sure which of these sentences is faker. Their VT focuses on the ‘hurtful things’ being written about them and how rubbish they are. Note, these things are ‘hurtful’ but no one is claming they are untrue.
I was really hoping they’d do Rudebox but their choice of Rock DJ is just as funny. The song doesn’t give one the opportunity to show off vocally. In addition, it’s barely a song. It’s a bizarre choice but it does remind me of summer holidays before I could drink though so I’m not mad at it. The choreography is ridiculous and they wear contrasting suits. One twin is more attractive than the other. I barely notice the singing but it is clear that Rock DJ is too big for them. When you can’t whiteman rap the verses of Rock DJ in tune, there are problems here that cannot be fixed quickly. That said, at least it was funny.
The audience boo them before and after to which I say: Ha! Dannii Minogue says they’re bad singers and Cheryl Cole says they’re brave for coming on stage despite the criticism. She adds ‘you can’t sing – fact’ but kindly says it’s not their fault they’re still on the show. I loathe passive aggressive women. Simon says they’re only here because they’re Irish which is unfair. They’re only here because Louis wants one twin in each hole. One twin grins, the other twin realises how much they’re hated and looks sad.
[John and Edward serve a real purpose on the show at this stage. Sure, they’re dangerously underqualified to be here, but with the show stretching over two hours we need some kind of break from the competition proper. They’ll stay until the Top 6 maybe, when only the real talent is left. Their ‘Rock DJ’ was the liveliest moment of the show, even if they did both run out of breath in the second verse. Good song choice though – cover the lack of talent with a spoken verse, and then double up on the vocals for the chorus. Their contribution to the group song on Sunday was the best of all the contestants, FACT! - Matt]
9. OLLY – ‘I can take it on the chin and say boys will be boys’
What is the matter with this show? Or with me? Why are “hot str8 blojob twins”, Joe the future headliner of Guys and Dolls at Croydon Rec Centre and Olly Murs ranked so high?
Olly clearly didn’t get the memo it wasn’t Robbie week anymore as in his VT we learn he’s singing a Robbie song. Even though Olly, Simon and other people think this is a bad idea. He’s singing boring Robbie too, not funny Robbie or good Robbie. He’s nervous too, we learn, which shows at least some self-awareness. He should be nervous. He’s bad.
Watching it makes me nervous, even though it’s an easy song. The falsetto is ok and then it’s not. Bits are girly and weak; bits are better than expected. He crouches and dances during a ballad. He does RnB inflections and splits his vowels. Watching him is like watching a tight rope performer who you really want to fall off because he slept with your wife or is just a tool. He never quite falls to my chagrin and his credit.
[In this analogy, Olly's tightrope would only be a metre off the floor. - Matt]
Louis Walsh calls him the boy next door. I don’t even think this is code for average. I think Louis is being sincere. The girls says Olly’s nice and should have lots of friends. Simon says he’s charming but not the best singer. Half-right there. [I honestly think he's the worst. And far from being nice, I get this sly, creepy vibe from him, like he might slip something in your drink if you're an Essex girl in a tacky nightclub - Matt]
10. LLOYD – ‘You’re fit but my gosh don’t you know it’
Lloyd would rank twelfth if he was ugly. He would rank first if he could sing like Danyl or, if I’m being very honest, Joe.
In his VT, Lloyd tells us he lives in a three-bedroom terrace house. Why are they so into property details this week. How many bathrooms are there, Lloyd? Is the loft insulated? Brian Friedman says rehearsals with Lloyd were a disaster. Because they didn’t end in a blowy? It can’t be like that after every rehearsal, Brian.
Lloyd takes on Justin Timberlake for no good reason. The arrangement of Cry Me A River is fucking cool. It starts off with an acoustic guitar and then breaks into the shuffly Timbaland backing. It’s just a shame that the vocals are so, so bad. He is flat and nervous. He mimes a phone during the ‘call me on the phone’ like he’s not singing on my favourite show and is instead on a lads’ night out at a mucky club. He barely sings the chorus and at one terrifying point hoots like an owl.
The judges go easy on him. Simon says it was ‘stiff at times.’ No one mentions the poor quality of the singing.
[I read somewhere that Lloyd “looks like someone put all of McFly into a blender”. I’m all for that idea but his voice is probably a year or two away from where it should be. There are nice moments but as Alicia Silverstone might say, it’s only sporadically. Mind you, he did almost make me like that Jason Mraz song at judges homes. In any case, I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an admittedly unlikely Tom Jones week, it’d be fun to see him do Delilah. - Matt]
11. KANDY RAIN – ‘You’re calling her a hooker? Let he without sin cast the first stone’
Louis Walsh tells us Kandy Rain are here for all the boys. Not boys like him, other boys. On their VT we learn Kandy Rain have real jobs now but used to be strippers. Simon helpfully says it doesn’t matter they used to be strippers but it matters that they’re bad singers. Robbie Williams says they’re ace and dances. I’m going to stop saying ace now. I’m going to say mint instead. There is sobbing on the VT because they were shit during sound check. They’re such cannon fodder and it’s a shame as they showed promise in Italy last week.
They’re doing Robert Palmer because Robert Palmer is undoubtedly their musical hero and should be yours too. They’re doing the famous Robert Palmer song, not the one I like about having a bad case of lovin’ you. ‘Doctor, Doctor.’ That one. The good one. They look like big whores. One has horns made out of hair.
[I thought it was meant to be like a Playboy bunny? Who knows.. - Matt]
They are wearing black leather and fishnets. One has a terrifying thin face, like a cavewoman being stabbed. The backing vocal is loud but conceals nothing. It’s not the worst but the song choice is not current or relevant or hip.
Dannii saucily puns ‘Kandy, reign it in’ and tells them to dress less like strippers if they want us to forget they’re strippers. Fair point. Cheryl agrees and Simon does not. Louis says they look good and nothing else, which completely proves the girls’ point that the group aren’t being taken seriously as singers dressed like that. The controversy, and the potential pity votes, was the only thing that could keep them from the bottom two. It could not.
[Maybe Kandy Rain dressing like strippers is the fashion equivalent of when Jay Z said: “Niggaz actin' like I sold you crack / Like I told you sell drugs...no...
Hove did that so hopefully you won't have to go through that.” - Matt]
They sing Fighter by Christina Aguilera in the bottom two and it is rotten. Their faces are more terrifying than ever. The singing is just as bad. They are wearing the same horrid outfits, with hair for horns, and the vaguely pretty one has given up singing altogether.
Simon says they’ve not been given a fair shot and votes to keep them in. I half-agree with this: the odds were stacked against them but if they’d performed well and dressed better they’d have been fine. The jury is hung and so Miss Frank are eliminated because they got fewer votes than Rachel. Perhaps four to her seven?
12. RACHEL – ‘And if I’m ugly then so are you’
How the mighty have fallen. Rachel ranked second last week as I’d been very impressed with her later auditions. I didn’t see her as a winner though. This show is not as accepting of the diva as those Alexandra and Leona wins would make you think. Just remember, Journey South beat Brenda, Eoghan beat Beautiful, Spanish Ruth, Chico beat Maria and Ray Quinn beat almost everyone his year.
Her VT is a formality and her cover of Let Me Entertain You is a failure from the start. Her mic is not working, or she’s lipsynching, because every line has a strange, uncertain echo. She’s doing a karaoke song which has been rearranged slightly: not in a way that makes it more interesting, just in a way that makes it slightly less familiar and ergo even more confusing and unpalatable. The vocals are harsh and she woo hoos for no good or Christian reason.
The judges are full of praise. Louis likes that she can dance. Simon enjoyed it but also calls her Miss Nobody and says her make up’s shit. I don’t know why the judges aren’t as disappointed as I am. Watching this, as the first performance of the night and the worst performance of the night, I thought bottom two for certain. I was perhaps the only one who called it as her betting odds were good and the judges were surprised to see her in the bottom two.
She sang ‘Nobody Knows’ by Pink in the bottom two, which she’d sung last week for Dannii. A repeat this early is a bad, bad sign. She is clearly upset and her voice cracks and she misses lots of lyrics trying not to cry. It’s clear that she’s a better singer than many but she performed badly twice this weekend. When Joe outsings you, you and your voice, you got issues.
[Rachel got everything wrong Saturday. I was worried about her before the results show. Granted, it’s not her fault she was on first on Saturday, but the song didn’t fit at all, and I’ll be frank about this, she needs to wear something more revealing. Or at least a top that doesn’t make me imagine an ice dancer from the early ‘80s. - Matt]
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
Thex Factor – Judges’ Homes – ‘Sometimes goodbye though it hurts in your heart is the only way for destiny’
These are the salient facts as we begin….
1. It is judges’ homes week
These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions
2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.
3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie
Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.
4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays
Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.
5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers
Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.
On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….
1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.
2. RACHEL
She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.
3. MISS FRANK
There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.
4. KANDY RAIN
And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
5. LUCIE
Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.
6. LLOYD
His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!
7. DANYL
Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.
8. JAMIE AFRO
Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.
9. RICCIKY
I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.
10. JOHN & EDWARD
“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”
11. OLIVER
I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.
12. JOSEPH
I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.
1. It is judges’ homes week
These are always my favourite shows. We’re at the stage now where we see good people sing. Well, sort of. There is Oliver Murs this year after all. Last year Austin, Scott and the fat girl really shined at this stage so that shows how much I know. We also get the results show where people are put through or sent home and both the contestants and myself spend a good hour crying. Although not this year because I was made very angry by many decisions
2. Louis went to Italy with the groups and Ronan Keating
Ronan Keating looks very old but was surprisingly frank. A good guest judge I thought and one who made it clear how much he loathed the Twilight porn twins.
The reinstated Hood Harmony were allowed back but are clearly not going through because they’re rubbish AND Louis doesn’t want to live out his twin fantasy. Manufactured girl group Miss Frank were heaps of fun and rapped in Spanish. Boring girl group Project A were pretty shrill (when it would have been much better to be pretty but shrill) and one looks distractingly like Saffia from Big Brother. Girl group Kandy Rain, who used to be strippers, won me over with a tight Lady Gaga cover. I’d prejudged them but they really do prove that just cos she dance a go go, it don’t make her a ho no. De-Tour are the new Journey South or MacDonald Brothers, two years too late. John & Edward are twins who could both be the ugly one who doesn’t sing in many 90s boybands.
Louis puts through the dynamic Kandy Rain, the dynamic-er Miss Frank and the dynamism-free John & Edward. I don’t understand the appeal of twins myself. And that’s on both an erotic and a spiritual level: incest isn’t fit and also they have half a soul each. But Louis has every right to vote with his dick if he wants.
3. Dannii went to Dubai with the girls and with Kylie
Stacey from Dagenham continues to be awesome every time we see her. This time she did ‘Over The Rainbow’ which this show has a habit of giving the winner to sing (e.g. Leona, Shayne). It does concern me though that she always looks like a panic attack is imminent. Rachel Adedeji is becoming similarly reliable, this time doing Pink, and Lucie continued her fast progress and looked much better with a tan.
Nicole, a girl we’ve only ever seen in montages, sang with a Duffy/Paloma Faith accent and forgot her words so is a dick on two levels. Stacey from S Club Juniors is another one we’ve only seen in montages and so I thought she might be good because she’s made it this far. Wrong! She’s shit. So shit that the Britney song she’s covering is “too big for her.” So shit it’s clear why she wasn’t asked to join The Saturdays with the other Juniors. Cypriot Despina was rapsy and unpleasant and clearly paled in comparison to Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. It is very telling and worth noting that Despina was the only act who I had to look up to write this recap. She’s a bore.
Dagenham Stacey, Lucie and Rachel go through and I am relieved. I am looking forward to all three’s first performance.
Dannii gets a lot of flack but she is the only judge to pick the three best singers in her category. And to pick three artists who are commercially viable. And to pick no contestants who are clearly dicks. She cannot get enough credit for this.
4. Cheryl went to Morocca with some gays
Ok I want to stress I’m not being libellous here. When I say ‘some gays’, I don’t mean ‘gay’ as in ‘bad’, I mean ‘gay’ as in ‘shit.’ And with FLAMING mannerisms. And who seemed just a bit too excited that Will Young was the guest mentor.
There’s Joseph who still sings like a girl on top of a mechanical crab during a Euro Disney parade. There’s Ethan who is fit but has a dubious penchant for stroking his competitors. There’s Daniel, the musical theatre man who can’t stop singing badly to the back rows. There’s Duane who you’ll remember once auditioned with Beyoncé’s ‘Broken Hearted Girl.’ There’s Ricckkiy whose love of hats and falsetto makes him seem like the clingy ex-boyfriend of a Justin Timberlake strippogram. This category is dreadful this year. 16 year-old Lloyd’s voice hasn’t broken for definite but he is the butchest one in this mob. Also, his cover of I’m Yours (the song he was panned for doing at his first audition) was confident and hip by this show’s standards.
I call so much bullshit about Cheryl’s section. First there was the nonsense where she was about to send Daniel home then walked off to reconsider then booted him anyway. Then there was pretending Duane was out of tune (a trick they’ve pulled to eliminate the better singer before.) Then there was the putting through Joseph (ugly, bad singer, creepy) and not Ethan (fit, okay singer, fit). Cheryl Cole is a wanker this year.
5. Simon went to L.A. with some codgers
Simon is a wanker also. And, clearly, not always right.
The editors’ least favourite and very obvious cannon fodder Treyc sang very well but Simon doubted her star quality. Daniel from One True Voice was given a George Michael issues record and sang the shit out of it. Nicole stomped her fat foot three times and growled in the hopes she’d suddenly become Jennifer Hudson.
Jamie Afro creeped me the fuck out with both a whiney Oasis cover and his bug eyes. Danyl oversang Alicia Keys’s ‘Fallin” and earned Simon’s ire. He’s also become very, very posh. I thought he was a P.E. teacher – whose P.E. teacher talks like that? Oliver Murs still can’t sing, still can’t dance and still has boss eyes, a flat face, a receding hairline, a woman’s bust and a big-ass mole. It troubles me that the judges think that this and creepy-as Joseph look like popstars.
Simon kicks out the best singers because Treyc’s boring, because Nicole’s a club singer ham and because Daniel’s already had a go on the fame bicycle. I will miss Daniel and think of him daily. He puts through Oliver, Danyl and Jamie Afro and I get a little bit sick in my mouth. The latter two could well win but Oliver has no business on that stage.
On with the rankings in anticipation of the first live show….
1. STACEY
Stacey is the new Leona. I sense it. She can sing ballads very well. She lacks self-confidence. Her personality is not instantly abrasive. She is fug from some angles. She also has the Leona curls. I predict good things.
2. RACHEL
She had me at ‘Last Request.’ The lesbian hair is a shame but I’m sure the stylists will deal with that.
3. MISS FRANK
There’s not been enough Spanish rapping on this show before. I’m not saying I want to see it again but Miss Frank are cool.
4. KANDY RAIN
And so are these tramps! Both their judges’ home performances were good and I can’t help but get the feeling they can sing. My fear is they’ll go first week. At least one contestant with a vagina has been eliminated week one of every X Factor series so far. Don’t believe me? Look it up.
5. LUCIE
Yes, the whole ‘girl from the valleys with a dream’ thing is annoying and clearly not true. But Lucie has shown enough vocal chops for this high place on the ranking.
6. LLOYD
His second go at an I’m Yours cover was very good. And he is the only man in the contest who I don’t have a barely concealed personal problem with. So kudos to Llyod!
7. DANYL
Simon needs to have a good shout at him. Then Simon will give him very obvious songs to sing well. Perhaps Song For You? She’s The One? They trot that out every year. This plan could work and he could zoom to the top of this list.
8. JAMIE AFRO
Jamie gets some cool points for swearing at Simon but I still don’t like his voice or his face. Also the rockstar outfit is annoying when you sing covers in bad pubs or on bad TV shows.
9. RICCIKY
I will spell his name correctly when he sings a melody correctly. That is all.
10. JOHN & EDWARD
“Bella, you know I can’t kiss you because I’m a vampire. But my twin can eat your –”
11. OLIVER
I get so many hits from people searching for info on his jumper. It was a very nice jumper. And I imagine he bought it from TopMan or River Island. Because he’s a top lad! I have no idea why he’s been put through.
12. JOSEPH
I know why Joseph’s gone through (he’s from Newcastle, he’s this year’s creepy stage school kid a la Eoghan/Ray) but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. Danyl and Stacey need to be awesome so that this clown doesn’t win. He will make the final though, the creepy stage school kid usually does.
Monday, 28 September 2009
Thex Factor - Bootcamp - 'Looks like we made it'
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead
2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later
3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.
4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.
5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!
On with some token rankings....
1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.
1. It’s bootcamp, bitches
Yes, after weeks of drawn-out auditions, marred by a tacky new format and a notable lack of good singers, we are at bootcamp. And ITV got through the whole thing in two episodes. The 200 or so successful auditionees are now 24. The show is back on track. Dreams were dashed, bands were created and men with Asperger’s had their rehabilitation halted with a hug. I can’t in good conscience thoroughly rank 200 singers, especially as we don’t see most of them. The next salient facts will reveal how it all went down instead
2. There was a group-sing round
Just like lessons on the first day of school, people with low self-esteem and heightened anxiety were made to team up for a fun activity. And be watched and judged by all the other, cooler kids wearing Ralph Lauren gym shorts.
The judges sent them home or sent them through just after they’d sung. So they’re left to wriggle around on stage during the deliberation like they’ve just wet themselves and they’re waiting for the cleaner to open the lost property cupboard. Am I pushing this primary school metaphor too far? Who cares. I’m done now.
Bad club singers It Takes 2 found they were even worse with other people on stage and got the boot. Evil twins John & Edward (you remember them? They looked like a twin porn version of the vampire from Twilight) sang over some ugly girl’s part. Miss Fitz were awesome even though they’re now a duo (Where is the other one?) and three scary women teamed up for a cover of That’s Life with pleasant wailing as the chief result. These women were told they’d make a good group, probably because they’re too ugly to be solo singers. Snap! And, more on this later
3. There was a solo round
In front of an audience of 4,000 these fools had to sing again to make a place in the final 50.
Joseph from Newcastle remains the most punchable contestant since Quigg or Quinn. I’m going to need a girl to explain him to me. The voice is fag on toast, the skin is blotchy and the hair is made entirely of gel. And he sings Luther Vandross and George Michael in a thin, nasal American accent. Why is this good?
Welsh schoolgirl Lucie Jones was surprisingly strong but you know the most pleasant wailing don’t come from no skinny ass white girl. Rachel Adedeji redid that dreadful Paolo Nutini song as a Toni Braxton album track and Nicole Lawrence proved she could sing, or at least scream or growl, with a Jennifer Hudson redo. Top marks for both! Daniel was as good as ever and his mohican is now a much butcher green.
The aforementioned ugly women were eliminated just after this round but then were called to a staff room and given the opportunity to continue as a group. They say Yes but don’t seem happy. I guess because they’ve just told they’re not very good on their own.
4. There was another solo round
This time it was to make the top 24, or the judges’ home stage. It’s the same thing.
Oliver Murs earned my wrath this evening. I discovered during the heavy screen time he was given that he has a big mole by his nose. He just gets hotter doesn’t he! I like an Essex boy as much as any wannabe wag but we need to review the facts here. He can barely sing (as evidenced by his Top 50 ‘Your Song’ performance), he is a moron (as evidenced by forgetting the words on Saturday night’s show AND that he won just £10 on Deal or No Deal) and he is only attractive in a moley, boss-eyed, flat-faced pasty way. Having a nice jumper does not make you a popstar.
Ugly girl band win some cool points for rapping over their audition. Danyl redid Simply Red as beatbox gospel and it was shit. (N.B. Danyl ‘Oooh, I’m a bit gay but I only talk about it for money’ Something was shit. Daniel ‘I was in One True Voice but am awesome’ Pearce is awesome every time we’re shown him. Which has been twice. )Stacey looks more like Amy Winehouse every episode: she has the nose, the scary eye-make up, the tottering heels, the mumble and the accent. Stacey is the most restrained singer in the contest and has cool points to spare.
And I am fast becoming convinced that Jamie Afro is rubbish. He has a very rubbery face and sings like a Disney character. He’s also very corny and can’t stop asking the audience to sing along. There’s a reason he sings in bad clubs. He was born to.
The top 24 is chosen soon after. Miss Fitz, Curfew Curtis with the tracking device and Double Asperger with Cheese are all given the heave-ho. I wonder if the latter will go back to being a shut-in. Leaving the house for this show hasn’t really worked out: I hope it doesn’t put him off leaving the house in general.
5. It’s Judges’ Homes next week
Oliver Bloody Murs and Joseph are in the top 24 and if both go through to the live rounds I will not watch. Daniel, Stacey and the fit American are still around though so it’s not all bad. Dannii has the girls who won't win, Cheryl has the boys who might, Simon has the old people who might and Louis has the groups for the fourth time in six years. He took it well though. Probably because he wants to make some Twilight twin porn. He's playing Bella.
Judges’ Homes is my favourite bit of the show. I will spend the whole results show next Sunday crying as I do every year. It’s wrought!
On with some token rankings....
1. Daniel
He is awesome but I know Simon will put through the showy fuckers like Danyl 'Yeah, that's right, tear that up' Something, unsexy sex symbol Oliver Murs or Jamie the tool
2. Stacey
She is always great and I applaud her for not shrieking whenever she receives good news.
3. Rachel
She made me like Paolo Nutini. Point Adedeji!
22. John & Edward
Do you know which one's which yet?
23. Oliver
If Gary Barlow couldn't sing. Or write. Phwoar!
24. Joseph
The album will come out Mother's Day week. He'll get a part in Grease. Going on the show is just a formality. A formality that should be skipped for all our sakes.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
A survey
If you asked Simon Cowell to marry you do you think he'd say...
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
a. for all the right reasons, it's a no
or
b. I'm going to put you out of your misery, it's good news
Full bootcamp recap will come mid week. Let it be known in advance that Daniel from One True Voice is awesome, that Oliver Murs suddenly has a mole to make him that bit more ugly, that gay men like black women wailing, that Ethan remains fit and that Jamie Afro remains as big of a tool as we'd first thought.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 5 & 6 – ‘It takes two, baby, it takes two, baby’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
1. It is a singing competition
Unless you have a dead relative or a criminal record, in which case it’s therapy and reformation as well! There are judges and I like them all except Cheryl who is too orange to be taken seriously. (I wish Katie Hopkins was a judge instead then I’d have more lines to steal.)
2. The auditions are over
Thank Fuck. The change in format has really killed my appetite for this show and for pleasant wailing in general. So much so I almost skipped Sunday’s show and thought of recapping Celebrity Come Dine With Me instead. (I heart Dane Bowers’s Bread & Butter pudding.)
I don’t like seeing the audience: they are skanks and dead povo. Also, it defeats the point of making it to the live shows (or, indeed, making it to the tour) when even the crap auditionees have already sung to an arena full of bogans
3. I have very little idea what will happen at Bootcamp
Some things are a given. People will forget words. People who auditioned well will be edited out of X Factor history. People who clearly are going through to the final 12 will pick a stupid song (or sing fake drunkenly from the floor a la The Fat Girl from last year) and then Simon will say ‘you’ve blown your chance’ then they’ll cry and then he’ll say ‘but it’s good news.’
Will it be the same from last year and they’ll be singing in front of each other? Probably. Which would have given some stagefright if it weren’t for the stupid format change which means they’ve all sung in front of more people than most of them ever will again.
On with the rankings….
1. DANIEL – ‘I follow my heart, right up to the end’
Daniel was in One True Voice. You remember them? They won over pop fans and punctuation fans with Shakespeare’s (Way With) Words. He has a pink punk mohican too. But he still ranks first. Why? Because he’s awesome and sang my favourite audition song ever, ‘Kiss From A Rose.’ That song reminds me of being little and seeing Batman at the cinema and listening to Now 31 on my walkman and drinking apple juice. Personal feelings aside, he is the best singer and didn’t seem fazed by the fact that he was having to audition in front of an old friend. (Or, a girl who can’t sing, who had the same big break and can afford to pay bills.)
I also love how the girl from S Club was relegated to a montage. Maybe if she had a pink punk mohican? I’m being facetious now. Daniel is ace.
2. CURTIS – ‘I made a few mistakes in my life and times’
Curtis is a convicted felon. He has a curfew and a tagging device attached to his leg. Think of it as an Asbo anklet. It’s fierce! He also has a dead brother. How confusing. I’m sure the editors will pick the sob story they like best later.
Anyway, Curtis spoke very candidly to Dermot about his dealings with the po po, the rozzers, the pigs, the porkers but things changed when he got on stage.
He introduced himself and said what he was going to sing. He was stopped so Cheryl could ask him about his motivation, i.e. Tell us you want to do your dead brother proud and make a different life for your family that aren’t dead and that Cheryl is basically Lady Di helping the poor around the world except without the dangerous mines.
Curtis is evasive, snappish even. The judges recoil in horror.
Simon asks what he's been doing in the last twelve months i.e. tell us you are a convict who wants to turn his back on sin and music will let you do that and Simon Cowell is basically Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act 2 out to change the lives of inner city yoot everywhere.
Curtis is sassy. The judges recoil yet more. Let him sing then.
He sings Let Me Love You and is very good. He has a lovely tone and has picked a song that suits his voice. Yes, it’s an obvious choice for a teen but it’s better than I Believe I Can Fly.
Simon gives Curtis a speech about his attitude and it’s true that Curtis is being an ass but I respect Curtis for not doing the sob story bit in front of that audience of crones.
There are some flashbacks to ex-con Rachel here. I hope Curtis isn’t a dick like her. He can sing though so 1-0 so far.
3. ETHAN – ‘When I’m walking down the street, they say Hey Sexy’
God Ethan is fit. I almost excused myself to go watch porn. He looks a little like the werewolf boy from Twilight. Only not a child, not a werewolf and actually very very fit.
He wears a silly scarf but he could be vomiting and he’d still make clear he's fit and that last week’s Oliver Murs is a boss-eyed fug in a nice jumper.
He sings Kings of Leon like all the very hip and trendy auditionees do this year. I’d love it if someone did Molly’s Chambers and Simon had to admit he only knows 2 Kings of Leon songs.
The audition is fine, fine enough to be number one on some weeks, but it is a little flat on the wailing bits. The judges say he’s fit and relevant. I’d like him to take his shirt off on Disco week.
4. DOMINIC – ‘When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what would I be?’
Much like the trantacular Alexandra, the poor-at-spelling Rickkiy and the good-at-arranging girl from Miss Fitz, Dominic has auditioned before and almost made the live rounds. He’s not as good as either of those aforementioned girls but it goes without saying he’s better than Rickkiy. He sings With You and he has improved but it’s all a bit blah. The song choice, the thin teenage voice, the light bouncing. So blah that I thought he’d done the same song as more-memorable, security-tagged Curtis.
5. NICOLE – ‘If you want some gravy, flavour my ragout’
Nicole is so going to play Mama in Chicago by the end of 2010. That is the much worn career path for the tubby, middle aged X Factor diva. She sings Erma Franklin and bounces and mugs and begs the chav audience to love her. Then Simon stops her and says 'bitch, you trippin'. Don’t act the fool!' Or something about bad club singers. So she sings Alicia Keys and it’s less bouncy but her voice still isn’t that great. And that’s taking into account the fact that I hate that Alicia Keys song. Simon isn’t convinced and rightly so, though he had doubts about Brenda from Series 2 who was uniformly awesome.
6. AMIE – ‘Won’t let nobody hurt you, I’ll stand by you’
Sourfaced Amie is a very big Girls Aloud fan. For reasons unclear, she performs Fallin’ and I think does a very good job considering the losers they've already put through and the salient fact that Eoghan Quigg came third on his show. Yes, it’s a little shrill at times and she’s not quite up to it but it’s a first audition.
The judges give her a lecture about song choice and she bawls. They should have put her through anyway. She’s better than ANYONE from the last two weeks. Instead they tell her she’s a pop singer and then she says ‘I was going to do a Girls Aloud song' and pulls a stinkface that makes me question how much she really likes Girls Aloud. Seriously, she spits the name out.
After the audience’s heckling, she’s allowed to sing a Girls Aloud song and forgets the words and Cheryl gets on stage and holds her hand and feeds her some of the lyrics. What a Saint. I’m sure it was her twin who attacked that woman.
7. SCOTT – ‘I’m watching the late show, in my flat alone’
Scott is 21 and looks about 40. He has Asperger’s and has been a recluse since the age of 14. He wants to inspire other people with the syndrome.
He sings You Raise Me Up and it’s okay but very musical theatre. I think it’s to do with his phrasing: he sounds posh and old-fashioned. All a bit Double Asperger with cheese. The judges lick him all over with their praise because this sob story is new.
Not that good.
8. IT TAKES 2 – ‘Love is blind and it will take over your mind’
It Takes 2 were lovely. They are modest and have realistic goals. They were equally unattractive in a way that means a nicer person would say they were ‘well-suited.’ They’re ex bluecoats or redcoats and now operate rides in Alton Towers. I thought they were being set up as a new Susan Boyle or Double Asperger with Cheese and would blow the judges’ socks off.
That didn’t happen as they’re very cheesy, the man is flat and the woman’s attempts at pleasant growling pale in comparison with the pleasant growling of JLS. (At least, of the one that sings.) There’s all this talk of the girl being very good and the man being rubbish but it is clear they’re both ok going on bad. They are put through and the man does piggy tears, with piggy squealing, and thinks he almost ruined it for the missus. She says he could never let her down and it’s all very sweet and then I like them again.
9. FAYE – ‘When I grow up, be on TV, people know me’
Faye’s interview is soundtracked by the Pussycat Dolls and features her going on about how she wants to be famous 'n' be in Heat magazine. It’s a little sad considering she doesn’t even have the excuse of growing up with Big Brother: she’s nearly 30. You think she’s being set up for a fall but then she’s charming on stage. (The anti-Curtis!) The singing is a bit odd and yelpy and the outfit is a bit odd and trampy but she sails through. It’s true when Simon says she’s picked up bad habits. Whether she can be salvaged remains unclear. I think she’ll go next week with little fanfare.
10. CASYR – ‘We are family, I got all my sisters with me’
Casyr were pretty funny and they are right, there aren’t many cousins who duet together. That is what the pop world has been lacking. They sing No Air and are appallingly bad.
Skip to the two minute mark of this video and watch. It’s great how much one of their family members is enjoying it.
11. STEVE – ‘And so I'm ronery, A rittle ronery’
Number hundred and seventeen in The X Factor’s much-lauded “ain’t foreigns funny” auditions series: a Chinese man. As a tribute to Cheryl, one of the runners roughed him up in the toilet afterwards.
12. RICHARD – ‘I wanna rock, rock, rock, rock, rock’
Richard was one of the "hilarious" shit ones. He wants to spread peace and love with his music. But then doesn’t sing Heal the World or some self-penned Christian song so it’s clear this is all talk. Instead, he sings Gun’s cover of Word Up and earns so many cool points it’s tempting to rank him higher. The dancing is of an Oliver Murs standard.
13. THEM2 – ‘When will I see you again?’
Never. In fact, I think it’s a mistake they’ve been put on YouTube because I have no memory of watching their audition on either night. And considering they were old, effeminate men singing Blue, I think I’d have remembered them.
14. NATRICIA – ‘If I fail, If I succeed, at least I’ll have my dignity’
Those lyrics are not true in this case. Natricia is out of time and out of tune. She does say ‘izit’ so she gets some cool points from me for that. These cool points are instantly voided though because she sang Whitney and has scary, scary lipstick.
15. EILEEN – ‘If you like it, won’t you taste it? Baby, let me know’
Yawn. She wants to fuck Simon and said toyboy and that she could show him a few things. In the bedroom. About fucking. The minx! She performs Wonder of You on Saturday night and it’s more trilling than singing. Simon gives her another chance and she does the same thing on Sunday night. With the same song. Then they still say no. What was the point in doing this twice?
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Oliver, Oliver
Oliver Murs has the Internet all a-flutter. People have been driven to my blog in the millions searching for info about the boss-eyed Essex Hottie.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Recent searches have included
"oliver murs jumper"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
"oliver murs x factor gay"
as well as my personal favourite...
"x factor guy useless superstitious"
Full rankings of the last two audition shows will come midweek. Love you long time.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Thex Factor - Auditions 4 - 'And on and on the rain will fall'
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
1. The show is not as good as it used to be
I don’t like seeing toothless slags cackling, heckling, clapping along and giving standing ovations to anyone who wears a nice jumper. I don’t like seeing montages and ugly family members singing along. I don’t like that in an hour we don’t see one act I’m excited about. At least the auditions will be over soon.
2. The judges are as good as ever
Pop mogul Simon Cowell says 'for all the right reasons' and that all performances are either the worst or the best he’s ever heard. Pop hasbeen Dannii Minogue likes to talk about pitch and phrasing so that she seems very knowledgable. Pop wag Cheryl Cole likes to grin, dance and pretend she feels sorry for these people. Pop lover Louis Walsh has become awesome now Sharon’s left and asks people if they have pets. Now that’s a good judge!
3. The singers must pleasantly wail to succeed
Pleasant wailing is as now and as modern and as ‘in’ as harem pants and bankruptcy papers. The perfect audition will involve a great deal of pleasant wailing over a cheap backing track. If the audition goes well, at least one of the judges will gasp or tear.
On with the rankings…
1. SHANNA – ‘I’m in sad mood tonight’
Shanna looks as fun as a spanner convention and as happy as a terrorist but she was the least bad singer that we saw in full so first place is hers! She has a very mopey speaking voice, which made it sound like her name was Shane. Or, even better, Shame. She wants to sing so she won’t be poor any more and so her sisters can have their own bedrooms. Oh, Shanna, you’re competing with ‘my brother’s dead and I’m raising his son who has vaguely described emotional problems.’ ‘I’m poor’ just isn’t a strong enough sob story. Nor was her performance of Songbird strong enough to get excited about. It was all a bit nasal and shrill. Perhaps it was nerves and the wailing will become more pleasant with confidence? Perhaps Songbird is just a tuneless mess that makes everyone sound bad?
I have 40% confidence she will improve.
2. RIKKI – ‘Once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance but you still catch my eye’
Poor old Rikki auditioned last year and got through to the Boot camp stages. He made it the final 50 or 20 boys but no further. Or, he was deemed less good than Eoghan Quigg. Ha! The way he was dumped was very cruel as he was told he was going through to the final 10 or 20 but then Simon changed his mind and Rikki was edited out of the show. He’s back this year with a good attitude claiming he’s more confident now. He performed a soul song that I’ve never, ever heard of and it was fine apart from when he pushed for the big notes. He spells his name in a ridiculous way also so there’s some work for him to do to win me over.
Chances of improvement? 30%. He needs to realise his limitations and pick more suitable material. This seems unlikely though as he's a club singer.
3. OLIVER – ‘London calling to the imitation zone’
Essex boy Oliver Murs wore a lovely jumper and had nice hair both on his face and on top of his head. He does however have the boss-eyed look of Gary Barlow, or a police sketch, about him. He can’t dance for shit either and his performance of Superstition was not that of a singer. Or, at least, that of a good singer. It had no depth or power or tone. It was like overbaked cheesecake rather than a gooey brownie. Sour and cloying. Oh I didn’t like him at all. But someone on Famous Males forum has described him as ‘hot and hairy’ and Simon says ‘it was the easiest yes he’s ever given’ so I think we’re stuck with Oliver for a while. Simon has clearly forgotten that Danyl gave the best audition he'd ever seen and Leona Lewis is the greatest recording artist of all time. I think he's getting senile.
Chances of improvement? 70% He couldn’t get much worse and I think the producers will invest a lot more in improving him than in, say, Rikki.
4. ALL THAT JAZZ – ‘The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog’
This crazy woman had a singing dog who didn’t sing. She sold this as a duet. She bounced around shrieking I Will Survive and the dog didn’t sing. She doesn’t get through but it was VERY AMUSING. Well it wasn’t but the dog was very cute with a wet button nose. Also, the dog tried to bite Dermot who jumped away like a big faggot and then put his hand on his heart. Ha! Louis would have recoiled with more masculinity. Louis also had some very insightful criticism: that if the dog had barked that would have been something. He is so the best judge this year.
5. DEMI – ‘Just hold me close and don’t patronise, don’t patronise me’
The rather wet Demi had a lisp and a can-do attitude. She however couldn’t sing and thoroughly exposed this fact by choosing to sing Whitney Houston for the judges and the whores in the audience. This led to a long, rather sad bit about how she was nice but couldn’t sing. She cried and politely agreed with the judges because she is nice but can’t sing. Cheryl went on stage and hugged her because Cheryl is also nice but can’t sing. Kindred spirits. At the end of this segment, Demi left the stage and collapsed on the floor. It all became rather depressing then. I’m not sure why I was shown this when there were surely people who were nice and could sing to show. And if not, maybe they could have made the show a bit shorter. Regardless, in summary: she is nice but can’t sing.
6. WILLIAM – ‘I can dream of the old days, Life was beautiful then’
Charming codger William is here because it’s his last chance to be famous. He is an octogenarian. (Thank Goodness for spell check!) I can’t help but feel if he wanted to be famous he should have started trying when he was younger. It seems a bit last minute, doesn’t it? Considering how close to death he is. He sings Come Fly With Me and his face reminds me of Lesley Phillips. His voice reminds me of nothing pleasant. I wished he’d done Puttin’ On The Ritz and danced a little. Chances of improvement? Nil.
7. CARLA – ‘Show me where I need to go, donde esta mi chico latino’
Carla works in a tartan factory and gives Louis a tartan tie for the Walsh clan. Or, at least, this is what she seems to say. Her accent is impenetrable. And then surprise, surprise her singing voice is poor and her accent is still impenetrable. It could be argued that the producers told this EXACT same joke last week with the French guy who loved Mariah and had an impenetrable accent. But Carla sang a different song (the theme from Notting Hill) by a different artist (Ronan Keating) so it’s basically actually definitely a completely different joke. Lol. Ain’t foreigns funny!
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 3 – ‘Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good, damn I’m so hood’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
1. No one was any good
Yes, in an hour of my favourite show the producers decided to show us no one exciting. We saw a lot of montages, a lot of people we’ll never see again being asked what their names are, a slightly useless relationship being uselessly rekindled (more on that later) and a bunch of mongs dancing poorly. I suddenly regret being so mean about Danyl ‘more cocks than a poultry farm’ Something from week one. At least he could sing.
2. There are judges
Toilet-based assaulter Cheryl Cole and toilet-minded mogul Simon Cowell get most of the screen time. Simon ‘doesn’t want to patronise you’ and Cheryl can’t help but patronise people. Louis Walsh and Dannii Minogue were also there. I’m looking forward to the live rounds when we might get to hear from all 4 judges. Oh, and listen to some good singers.
3. I am hungover
But I am committed to my recap as much as ever. I’m listening to songs from American Idol winners to remind myself that these shows have a purpose and that purpose may be to provide pleasant covers to listen to when one is hungover. And to find a new star and change someone’s life and make a dead relative very proud for all the right reasons etc. etc. etc.
On with the rankings….
1. LLOYD – ‘I’m big, blonde and beautiful’
Number one by default is Lloyd. He could sing alright and so was one of just three such auditionees that we saw in full. (Or is it auditioners? Spell check likes neither). He takes number one because he’s sort of attractive. I hope he’s sixteen because otherwise I will have to change the rankings for appearance’s sakes.
He sang I’m Yours by Jason Mraz, which I think is a brilliant song though not a big runsaplenty belter, and was made to stop and think of another. He then sang R Kelly and the judges liked it better. I think this says a lot about the judges and what they look for in a performance. That R Kelly song is dreadful. At least Jason Mraz has many funny white-man-doing-reggae-sort-of moments.
2. LUCIE – ‘Too shy, shy, hush hush, eye to eye’
She was a wet lettuce, this one. She sang Whitney Houston very softly and quietly but not exactly with restraint. She still did lots of runs and wobbly bits, only softly and quietly. Again, for emphasis, this had nothing to do with restraint. She’s just not a strong singer. I don’t see how she’ll compete with the Trinidadian Threat from last week or Danyl ‘yeah, that’s it, reach around’ Something from week one.
Unless of course she can pick more interesting material, just like Diana Vickers or American Idol’s Kris Allen, to mask or make irrelevant the fact she can’t belt like a big old fat person. But she won’t pick more interesting material. She’s started with Whitney; she’ll end with Celine. We know the type.
3. JADE – ‘But if you look at me closely, You will see it in my eyes’
She sang Jennifer Hudson and it was boring and average. And averagely boring and boringly average. But it wasn’t even any of these 4 things in a way that will allow me to become verbally dexterous and lively and mean-spirited. Blah!
Because it's nice to be nice, I can force myself that to say she is very young so her singing voice can improve. There is no such potential in her speaking voice. She speaks like a man who want to see your ticket at an unmanned train station. Or borrow 30p for ill causes.
4. COMBINED EFFORT – ‘Tomato, tomato, let’s call the whole thing off’
Combined Effort used to be engaged but broke up a few days ago but still want to audition together but don’t want to talk to each other. Got that? Are you keeping up? They sang Starship’s butlins anthem ‘Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now’ very poorly. (Especially compared to sibling duo Same Difference who turned that song OUT a few years ago.)
Simon asks them lots of personal questions like ‘Who dumped who?’ and ‘How did you do it?’ in front of the crowd of scally women because he is not very secretly a dick. Simon then makes the man ask his jilted ex-fiancé back and she says ‘Okay.’ Aww. Now that’s romance. I hope she says ‘Okay’ instead of ‘I do’ at the ceremony too.
5. FOUAD – ‘And it’s just like honey when your love comes all over me’
Fouad is awesome and is from somewhere that I couldn’t make out because of his accent and because people were talking very loudly. He is a huge Mariah fan and so we see pictures of audio of Mariah from her less scary 90s heyday. It is a lovely moment. And think of the royalties she'll get! He then covers 2 Mariah songs in an accent so strange that it makes me think he’s deaf or that for some other medical reason we really shouldn’t be laughing at him. But we do because we’re all terrible, terrible people. You especially.
6. 2 GORGEOUS 4 WORDS – ‘The Youth are starting to change. Are you starting to change?’
Ha! When asked their names, these Welsh teens spell out the numbers in semaphore. And then one of them falls over. They sing Bette Midler’s Let’s Hear for it the Boy for reasons that I’m too old and unhip to understand. Is Bette Midler in with the yoot? Do kids listen to Wind Beneath My Wings when they toke the ganga and ting? Did Westlife covering The Rose make her cool? I can’t pretend to understand. They’re not good singers but they were heaps of fun. Oh, and their friends and family watching them all had very terrible hair. And one girl from this aforementioned group said Simon enjoys nothing in life and Dermot shook his head and agreed with her straight-faced. Ha! Lover’s tiff?
7. ALLAN – ‘Does that make me crazy? Possibly’
I have ranked Allan last not because I dislike him (and believe me I dislike a lot of contestants every year. Deadbruv, for example. Or Jamie Afro the Tool.) Nor have I ranked him last because I want to add to a sense of humiliation that will linger over him for a few months until even avid X Factor fans forget who he is. I have had to put him last because I didn’t like being made to watch him. He wasn’t bad in an unusual way. He hadn’t written his own song, for example. Or attempted a medley or mash-up. He wasn’t deluded or arrogant. He was just bad. And even if you think bad singers who don’t seem quite with it is the FUNNIEST THING EVER LOL, and you enjoyed his bit, I think we gained nothing as people from being shown him.
Sunday, 30 August 2009
Thex Factor – Auditions 2 – ‘Cos I Am The Mob’
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. I feel sorry for Dannii Minogue
Britain’s favourite Australian X Factor judge doesn’t seem to be enjoying it any more. Kylie’s not ill and brave any more – and Sharon’s not sticking her head in the toilet and then texting the pictures to Louis – so I don’t know what the problem is. The other judges are celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, celebrity hobbit Louis Walsh and celebrity sleaze Simon Cowell. I like all the judges now. For all the right reasons, it’s a yes from me.
2. I feel sorry for the auditioners
They now audition in front of a theatre crowd on top of a karaoke backing track. This has been written elsewhere but, with this new format, the show now feels like Britain’s Got Talent without the jugglers and not the wonderful contest it once was.
Now rather than seeing the judges trying to stay composed and sharing wry glances, we have to see very ugly women cackling in the audience. I’d never seen so much otter-slick hair in one night and I felt quite sick.
And, to add insult to injury, we have to see the audience giving a nigh-on-constant standing ovation. (Trolls, if you do it for every good song, it means nothing. It’s like when Simon says something every week is the best performance ever. NOTHING.)
3. I am looking for guest columnists
We had some good ones last year but this year the talent should be even better. Do you have a dead relative you can mention a lot to win people over? Is this your last chance to be a guest columnist? Do you want a better life for you and your mother or children? Did you decide long ago never to walk in anyone’s shadow? Then e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com and there can be miracles when you believe and you’ll be a guest columnist. Unless you’re shit. Natch.
There were only 7 full auditions this week. I think they were in Birmingham but the judges’ outfits changed after every song so the auditions we saw last night could have been on any day or any city. Suffice to say, there were a fuck load of montages.
On with the rankings….
1. MISS FITZ – ‘I did it my waaaaaaaay’
One of these girls auditioned solo awesomely and got through to the judge’s homes stage way back in 2006. But she got no further because she wasn’t as extremely horsey or Mariahy as Leona Lewis. She’s back now with two slightly ropey white-to-orange women who she met through a newspaper.
I can see it now.
“SW seeks ugly Wx2, gsoh for girl band, maybe more. Likes covers, cinema. Dislikes girls who steal focus.’
Yes, these girls have a stupid name but their audition was smart as. They deftly rearranged Toxic as an Andrews Sisters, big band singalong. With RnB wailing. It was ‘Mama Do’ meets ironic Live Lounge cover meets En Vogue. It was awesome and very modern and quite possibly my favourite audition ever. Or at least on a par with Ashley McKenzie or Althea Gaye or the beautifully horsey Leona Lewis.
My only fear is they’ll be expected to do a genre-busting cover every week. They’ll get criticised if they don’t or become boring if they do. I hope they can dodge that bullet. They are my new favourites.
2. ROZELLE – ‘I’m a little material, got bling, bling’
Rozelle is from Trinidad and Tobego, which we heard pronounced about eleven different ways. The accent is big and the jewellery is bigger and the hair is like that of a Next Top Model ghetto girl before she gets a new weave in episode three. She weeps before and after her audition. (It’s something to do with her grandmother who I believe is alive.) She grins during the audition because the crowd are whooping and/or because she’s pleased with her vocal.
She sang Jennifer Hudson very well. It was very copycat at times and there were some flaws but even the undeniably horsey Leona Lewis did a few tuneless yelps in her time. This was a strong audition but I’m left with some doubts. She may just be a shouter. Speaking of which, we have number three…
3. JAMIE – ‘And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me’
What the fuck was this? And by ‘this,’ I mean him. He looks cracked up and coked out and he has the skin of a cartoon lizard. And his afro was not cool. A good afro is big and round, like an ostentatious toilet brush. His afro seemed to have flaps and attachments.
He sang Sex on Fire in a 5% RnB way, 95% idiot karaoke way. There was yelling and shouting. And, yet, the judges loved it. He also tossed his mic about and pranced around like Danyl ‘Ooh, I’m a bit gay, I am’ Something from last week. He even entreated the audience to sing along but they were too busy pickpocketing each other so this plan failed.
The performance had all the subtlety of an AIDS needle. Or emo poetry.
He ranks highly because the singing was mainly in tune but I think he is a tool.
4. DARYL – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven’
This man’s VT started off well. He missed last year’s audition because it was the same day as his brother’s wedding. Because family come first? And he’s back this year to make up for it? What a nice man! And what a nice, not at all exploitative back story?
Wrong! Because this man has two back stories. Because his brother’s DEAD. And not just a bit dead. He’s not even alive at all any more. The brother died just weeks after the wedding and now this poor singing man has to raise his nephew. Communal weeping commences, both on the VT and on stage, after we learn this news.
You knew he was going through. It didn’t matter that he sang very badly. Simon winked at him and then the nephew ran on stage to hug him. Yuk.
If he gets far, I will have to call him Deadbruv.
5. BEHROUZ – ‘What time is it? It’s Chico time’
Yes, we have this year’s Chico. A silly novelty act. Or, a Rhydian who can’t sing. Or, a Same Difference if Same Difference weren’t so funked out, shit hot awesome. (Seriously, your ass be tore up if you chat shit about Same Difference. They’re my favourite sibling duo ever.)
As this show has become a disjointed gong show just like Britain’s Got Talent, it makes sense they’ve put through Behrouz – a man who’s as funny as an anal fissure – just for a laugh.
He sang Scissor Sisters very poorly and had mad, staring eyes. He also pranced around the stage just like Jamie with the shit afro or Danyl ‘Ooh, I love a bit of cock, I do’ Something from last week.
What is with all the prancing? Just because there’s an audience of – whisper it – working class people there doesn’t mean you have to prance. It’s not the law ‘down’t local.’
Behrouz gets 3 yeses. Simon is not happy. But then Simon stormed off set after Chico auditioned, and roughed Louis up in a corridor, so Chico 2 has done quite well.
And with that, it becomes clear that my top 5 are all the people who got through. So, now for the crap ones.
6. ALAN – ‘And then it knocks you down, just back up, and then it knocks you down’
First auditionee of the night Alan was ‘amusing’ because he needed to stare at his watch to know when to start. When he did, he sang poorly.He told us he did karaoke and was told he ‘sang reasonable.’ And he wants to be rich enough to buy his council house. I’m not sure why we had to watch him be disappointed because he wasn’t so bad he was funny or so arrogant he needed telling. He was just a man in the wrong place. Why the producers put him through is beyond me.
7. THE STUNNERS – ‘U G L Y, you ain’t got no alibi’
Same goes for The Stunners. Now, they were pretty bad and the strange noises they made were sort of funny. And, yes, they were pretty deluded and compared themselves to Mariah Carey or Christina Aguilera (who’s had more dick in her than Danyl ‘I don’t like labels, I just love cock’ Something from last week).
But the big joke here was they were ugly. Like, really ugly. One was pasty and one was boss-eyed. And they were called The Stunners. Lol. Now that’s really funny.
Do you get it? Do you? Why aren’t you laughing?
Come on, it’s really funny.
Or, it’s just a bit lame.
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Danyl is a gay.
Well - sort of. He's told The News of the World that he dates men and women! The lucky dog!
The Newspaper he told seems like an odd choice but I suppose they pay the most for the scoop. And somewhere like the Guardian would just want to ask him about Dafur and Obama's healthcare plans. The Sun would be up for just talking cock.
I may start a petition that he covers Single Ladies one week.
The Newspaper he told seems like an odd choice but I suppose they pay the most for the scoop. And somewhere like the Guardian would just want to ask him about Dafur and Obama's healthcare plans. The Sun would be up for just talking cock.
I may start a petition that he covers Single Ladies one week.
Sunday, 23 August 2009
Thex Factor - Auditions 1 - ‘Kill the beast! Kill the beast!’
These are the salient facts before we begin….
1. Ha! Thex Factor is back
And thank the Lord I say. Yes, the legitimate face of my writing ‘career’ returns. Gone are the days of writing unpublishable fiction for fuck-all reward. Here are the days of ranking reality TV tosspots singing covers. I am so thrilled.
2. All our favourite judges are back
Cheryl Cole is now bright orange and continues to be the nation’s sweetheart. Simon Cowell likes hyperbole as much now as ever. In fact, his use of hyperbole on last night’s show was the best use of hyperbole I have seen in any series of any show ever. Dannii Minogue is a shell of the woman she once was and, at times, has a Brigitte Nielson hairdo. Louis Walsh is happy and has clearly got over that time he was sacked a few years ago.
3. We are at the auditions stage
You need 3 yeses from 4 judges to get through to the next round. There will be categories and mentors but we don’t need to worry about that for a few weeks. I will explain all that business very slowly when needed, as if I’m talking to a foreign exchange student. DO YOU LIKE THE CINEMA?
4.The audition format has changed
Now they have to sing in front of a live audience. When they start booing and laughing, it’s very uncomfortable. Where people were once humiliating themselves in front of a distant audience of millions, they’re now doing it in front of a theatre of rent-a-chavs and a distant audience of millions and it feels far worse. They also now can sing over a very cheap backing track.
I am really not happy about this move as my favourites on this show are often the quiet, folksy ones like Diana Vickers and Kris Allen rather than the polished cruise ship singers. I like my artists to be a bit nervous and cracked rather than desperate for the applause of some tools.
In ninety minutes of solid gold entertainment on ITV1, we only got to see nine full auditions. Sass and montages filled out the rest of the time. There was also 1 quite good person on the ITV2 show who merits inclusion. Contestants are judged on ‘the talent,’ ‘the drama’ and ‘the lolz.’
On with the rankings….
1. DANYL – ‘We don’t need no education’
He sang Joe Cocker and wore silly shorts with white socks. He bounced around and juggled his microphone. He was tacky as fuck and so I feel a little guilty about putting him first. I also know over the coming months there will be lots of references to him being a teacher and kids reaching for their dreams and I will feel very queasy. He was a fine singer and wailed very pleasantly at times but he was not as exciting as the judges made out. He was just the best of the worst.
Simon said it was the best first audition he’d ever seen. Someone needs to tell Simon to temper his praise. He reminds me of a fifteen year old girl on a forum saying Ne Yo’s new single is actually, blatantly, basically the BEST SONG EVA!!!!!!!!!!
My advice to Danyl: stop mugging and concentrate on the singing. Also, try and procure a dead wife.
2. DUANE / TWO SONG JOHNNY – ‘It was acceptable at the time’
He sang Marvin Gaye and was the best of the night up until Danyl was the best thing ever to sing near Simon Cowell wearing socks or whatever. I agreed with Simon’s criticism that he wasn’t contemporary but I was just grateful he could sing.
Duane was a good sport. He was made to sing another song and couldn’t think of one. Besides Happy Birthday. After some prompts from the judges, he launched into Beyoncé’s Broken Hearted Girl. Ha! I love that we have a genderbender so early in the competition. I give Duane ‘mad props’ for singing unrehearsed, especially after his first choice was criticised. One to watch
My advice to Duane: do a cover of a modern rock song. The judges will go nuts for it.
3. STACEY – ‘They call me Stacey’
That’s not her name! That's not her name! Oh wait, it is. Essex Girl Stacey has an infectious personality and a child and a busted nose. When they played ‘Saturday Night’ by Whigfield during her interview, I thought this girl was being set up for a fall. Turns out she was quite good.
She sang ‘What A Wonderful World’ in tune (Hurrah!) and with a bit of restraint (Hurrah, part two!). I know looking for originality during a karaoke contest sounds ridiculous but that is what Stacey lacks so far. Her speaking voice is ace though. I wish her well.
My advice to Stacey: do a cover of a modern girl rock song. The judges will go nuts for it. Again. They’re not hard to please.
4. ITV2 GIRL – ‘Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?’
I can’t remember her name. Was it Marie Claire? Anyway she looked like Holly Willoughby and sang Norah Jones. No wonder she was pleasant but forgettable then.
My advice to ITV2 Girl: do a cover of anything. It won’t help me remember your name
5. KYLE – ‘I’m super, thanks for asking’
We’re on to the shit people now. The first three of these ones were at least funny. Kyle introduced himself as Scotland’s number one Girls Aloud fan. He dresses like Scotland’s gayest MCR fan but we’ll have to take his word for it. He sings Untouchable by Girls Aloud in a voice higher than the screams of someone Cheryl’s beating up in a toilet. He’s stopped and then sasses Simon and starts again. They’re nice to him but he is really, really shit. He gets a pity Yes from Cheryl. She knows how to keep her target audience happy.
My advice to Kyle: find a better role model than Cheryl Cole. She is a thug
6. TRIPLE TROUBLE – ‘Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker’
These teens were awesome. They came on the show to show that not all teenagers live for knife crime and that, really, as a group, the yoot get a bad rap.
They sing Umbrella poorly and are then moderately criticised. The man from Triple Trouble then feels ‘disrespected’ and rants at Simon about nothing in particular. They’re booed off stage by rent-a-mob and someone throws a microphone. Then the man from Triple Trouble threatens the judges with gang violence. But from a safe distance.
I would pay good money to see them again. Or to see Cheryl take them in a fight. They pick the toilet. She brings the pain.
7. THE TWINS – ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.’
I don’t think they’ve got an official band name yet. One is called Edward. They both look exactly like Edward from Twilight. I think he’s British so it’s not inconceivable that he has secret twin brothers who love doing Backstreet Boys covers. They’re not really in tune and they keep asking the audience if, or telling the audience that, they’re having a good time. I don’t like them. I wonder how I can get them to go away.
Chant and smash a mirror?
Butlins. Butlins. Butlins. Crash.
My advice to The Twins: make twin porn. It might be hot and you’d probably make a bit more money that way.
8. DREAMGIRLS – ‘Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it: Vogue!’
They were Lithuanian models. They were twins I think or sisters or else friends with similar taste in facial features. They did look quite acely modelesque and like they were on heroine and had three eating disorders between them. They sang Angels very badly and the judges didn’t laugh. The judges instead looked bored and uncomfortable.
It felt very cruel making them do this in front of a live audience.
My advice to The Dreamgirls: know your angles? Smile with your eyes? I’ll e-mail Tyra Banks and get back to you. They’re not going to be singers.
9. JOSEPH – ‘The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar’
He’s a way aye, lovable lad from Newcastle man. He just did some karaoke one night and found out he was a right canny singer.
Bullshit. He’s been in stage school and blowing stage musical directors his whole childhood. Don’t lie to me, Television.
He’s really red faced and creepy and sings Luther Vandross. And he’s how old? Ghastly. Just ghastly. Four yeses from the judges. He’s the new Ray Quinn or Eoghan Quigg. A shit popstar that comes spayed and with an accent.
10. SISTER ACT – ‘Fat bottomed girls, something, something, something’
The very fat, doll-faced girl from Manchester is back. Emma. And this time she’s brought her sister. I loathed this whole segment and I have many reasons:
a. They can’t sing but not really in a funny way, like with Kyle.
b. They’re a bit aggressive and mardy.
c. The joke’s got old. This is the third time I think Emma’s waddled in front of Simon et al
d. I kept thinking it was copyright infringement that they were called Sister Act. It was distracting
e. They couldn’t pronounce Mariah Carey. It’s not a hard name to say
f. The only reason she’s on screen is because she’s really, really fat and because some people find it funny that some people are really, really fat. This turns my stomach just as much as looking at someone that fat does.
Watch it jiggle.
1. Ha! Thex Factor is back
And thank the Lord I say. Yes, the legitimate face of my writing ‘career’ returns. Gone are the days of writing unpublishable fiction for fuck-all reward. Here are the days of ranking reality TV tosspots singing covers. I am so thrilled.
2. All our favourite judges are back
Cheryl Cole is now bright orange and continues to be the nation’s sweetheart. Simon Cowell likes hyperbole as much now as ever. In fact, his use of hyperbole on last night’s show was the best use of hyperbole I have seen in any series of any show ever. Dannii Minogue is a shell of the woman she once was and, at times, has a Brigitte Nielson hairdo. Louis Walsh is happy and has clearly got over that time he was sacked a few years ago.
3. We are at the auditions stage
You need 3 yeses from 4 judges to get through to the next round. There will be categories and mentors but we don’t need to worry about that for a few weeks. I will explain all that business very slowly when needed, as if I’m talking to a foreign exchange student. DO YOU LIKE THE CINEMA?
4.The audition format has changed
Now they have to sing in front of a live audience. When they start booing and laughing, it’s very uncomfortable. Where people were once humiliating themselves in front of a distant audience of millions, they’re now doing it in front of a theatre of rent-a-chavs and a distant audience of millions and it feels far worse. They also now can sing over a very cheap backing track.
I am really not happy about this move as my favourites on this show are often the quiet, folksy ones like Diana Vickers and Kris Allen rather than the polished cruise ship singers. I like my artists to be a bit nervous and cracked rather than desperate for the applause of some tools.
In ninety minutes of solid gold entertainment on ITV1, we only got to see nine full auditions. Sass and montages filled out the rest of the time. There was also 1 quite good person on the ITV2 show who merits inclusion. Contestants are judged on ‘the talent,’ ‘the drama’ and ‘the lolz.’
On with the rankings….
1. DANYL – ‘We don’t need no education’
He sang Joe Cocker and wore silly shorts with white socks. He bounced around and juggled his microphone. He was tacky as fuck and so I feel a little guilty about putting him first. I also know over the coming months there will be lots of references to him being a teacher and kids reaching for their dreams and I will feel very queasy. He was a fine singer and wailed very pleasantly at times but he was not as exciting as the judges made out. He was just the best of the worst.
Simon said it was the best first audition he’d ever seen. Someone needs to tell Simon to temper his praise. He reminds me of a fifteen year old girl on a forum saying Ne Yo’s new single is actually, blatantly, basically the BEST SONG EVA!!!!!!!!!!
My advice to Danyl: stop mugging and concentrate on the singing. Also, try and procure a dead wife.
2. DUANE / TWO SONG JOHNNY – ‘It was acceptable at the time’
He sang Marvin Gaye and was the best of the night up until Danyl was the best thing ever to sing near Simon Cowell wearing socks or whatever. I agreed with Simon’s criticism that he wasn’t contemporary but I was just grateful he could sing.
Duane was a good sport. He was made to sing another song and couldn’t think of one. Besides Happy Birthday. After some prompts from the judges, he launched into Beyoncé’s Broken Hearted Girl. Ha! I love that we have a genderbender so early in the competition. I give Duane ‘mad props’ for singing unrehearsed, especially after his first choice was criticised. One to watch
My advice to Duane: do a cover of a modern rock song. The judges will go nuts for it.
3. STACEY – ‘They call me Stacey’
That’s not her name! That's not her name! Oh wait, it is. Essex Girl Stacey has an infectious personality and a child and a busted nose. When they played ‘Saturday Night’ by Whigfield during her interview, I thought this girl was being set up for a fall. Turns out she was quite good.
She sang ‘What A Wonderful World’ in tune (Hurrah!) and with a bit of restraint (Hurrah, part two!). I know looking for originality during a karaoke contest sounds ridiculous but that is what Stacey lacks so far. Her speaking voice is ace though. I wish her well.
My advice to Stacey: do a cover of a modern girl rock song. The judges will go nuts for it. Again. They’re not hard to please.
4. ITV2 GIRL – ‘Who are you? Who, who? Who, who?’
I can’t remember her name. Was it Marie Claire? Anyway she looked like Holly Willoughby and sang Norah Jones. No wonder she was pleasant but forgettable then.
My advice to ITV2 Girl: do a cover of anything. It won’t help me remember your name
5. KYLE – ‘I’m super, thanks for asking’
We’re on to the shit people now. The first three of these ones were at least funny. Kyle introduced himself as Scotland’s number one Girls Aloud fan. He dresses like Scotland’s gayest MCR fan but we’ll have to take his word for it. He sings Untouchable by Girls Aloud in a voice higher than the screams of someone Cheryl’s beating up in a toilet. He’s stopped and then sasses Simon and starts again. They’re nice to him but he is really, really shit. He gets a pity Yes from Cheryl. She knows how to keep her target audience happy.
My advice to Kyle: find a better role model than Cheryl Cole. She is a thug
6. TRIPLE TROUBLE – ‘Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker’
These teens were awesome. They came on the show to show that not all teenagers live for knife crime and that, really, as a group, the yoot get a bad rap.
They sing Umbrella poorly and are then moderately criticised. The man from Triple Trouble then feels ‘disrespected’ and rants at Simon about nothing in particular. They’re booed off stage by rent-a-mob and someone throws a microphone. Then the man from Triple Trouble threatens the judges with gang violence. But from a safe distance.
I would pay good money to see them again. Or to see Cheryl take them in a fight. They pick the toilet. She brings the pain.
7. THE TWINS – ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.’
I don’t think they’ve got an official band name yet. One is called Edward. They both look exactly like Edward from Twilight. I think he’s British so it’s not inconceivable that he has secret twin brothers who love doing Backstreet Boys covers. They’re not really in tune and they keep asking the audience if, or telling the audience that, they’re having a good time. I don’t like them. I wonder how I can get them to go away.
Chant and smash a mirror?
Butlins. Butlins. Butlins. Crash.
My advice to The Twins: make twin porn. It might be hot and you’d probably make a bit more money that way.
8. DREAMGIRLS – ‘Strike a pose, there’s nothing to it: Vogue!’
They were Lithuanian models. They were twins I think or sisters or else friends with similar taste in facial features. They did look quite acely modelesque and like they were on heroine and had three eating disorders between them. They sang Angels very badly and the judges didn’t laugh. The judges instead looked bored and uncomfortable.
It felt very cruel making them do this in front of a live audience.
My advice to The Dreamgirls: know your angles? Smile with your eyes? I’ll e-mail Tyra Banks and get back to you. They’re not going to be singers.
9. JOSEPH – ‘The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar’
He’s a way aye, lovable lad from Newcastle man. He just did some karaoke one night and found out he was a right canny singer.
Bullshit. He’s been in stage school and blowing stage musical directors his whole childhood. Don’t lie to me, Television.
He’s really red faced and creepy and sings Luther Vandross. And he’s how old? Ghastly. Just ghastly. Four yeses from the judges. He’s the new Ray Quinn or Eoghan Quigg. A shit popstar that comes spayed and with an accent.
10. SISTER ACT – ‘Fat bottomed girls, something, something, something’
The very fat, doll-faced girl from Manchester is back. Emma. And this time she’s brought her sister. I loathed this whole segment and I have many reasons:
a. They can’t sing but not really in a funny way, like with Kyle.
b. They’re a bit aggressive and mardy.
c. The joke’s got old. This is the third time I think Emma’s waddled in front of Simon et al
d. I kept thinking it was copyright infringement that they were called Sister Act. It was distracting
e. They couldn’t pronounce Mariah Carey. It’s not a hard name to say
f. The only reason she’s on screen is because she’s really, really fat and because some people find it funny that some people are really, really fat. This turns my stomach just as much as looking at someone that fat does.
Watch it jiggle.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Review: JLS – Beat Again
Now that the single’s slipping down the charts, I feel able to review it. Back when it was #1, I didn’t feel able to do much. I couldn’t eat, sew or keep up with my masturbatory schedule in a world where Jack the Lad Swing were #1.
And they were #1. And sold lots of copies. Not quite as many as that drag queen who covered ‘Hallelujah but still lots.
The song is a bit of a nothing. It’s very obvious and busy – and you can kind of guess what all the rhyming words are going to be – but it’s not really catchy. I couldn’t sing it to you now if you paid me and there was also a cake involved.
In terms of genre, it’s very synthy and has lots of plinky plonky bits. And it’s as gangsta as the boys can get without swearing or having any sort of authenticity. Lyrically, it’s in a Bleeding Love vein with funerals and Doctors giving very grim prognoses. But all this gore is a metaphor for emotions! Emotions towards slutty girls!
Speaking of which, there are no slutty dancers in this video at all. They couldn’t afford extras. Ha! The song sounds as cheap as sweatshop socks so that makes sense. Without dancers, the boys are forced to dry hump air which looks very odd. The Jack the Lad Swing boys feel compelled to lift their shirts at one point (but not in a shirt-lifter way) and squint to look ‘surly and a bit sexy.’ They’re not very good at squinting and so look ‘unwell and a bit concerned this song has no melody.’
Its B-side is their lifeless cover of Umbrella. Just like the one they did on the show! Which is a lovely memento for their fans. Putting a cover as a B-side is a much smarter idea than releasing a whole album of lifeless covers. Like Eoghan did.
And even JLS said that was whack. Blood.
Tuesday, 21 July 2009
Joni Mitchell was right!
There's a you don't know what you got till it's gone joke to be made. I'll leave you to make it.
Reader, without good reality TV, I am lost.
Without Suralan shouting at Ben the tool, without Suralan telling Robocunt to grow a personality, I become painfully aware of how putdownable my rape novel is.
Without glamorous thug Cheryl Cole patronising people, without pop mogul Simon Cowell saying 'I don't want to patronise you,' I consider becoming either an accountant or a wag for the dosh.
I need one of those 2 shows to come back onto the screen so I can write lively and mean-spirited recaps. And give a legitimate, printable dimension to my writing 'career.'
In the interim, I want someone to pay to hire James off of the Apprentice for my next corporate event. Or just for a regular saturday night, really.
I wonder if after dinner speakers are like escorts and an extra £50 gets you the illegal stuff. In this case, I hope so!
Reader, without good reality TV, I am lost.
Without Suralan shouting at Ben the tool, without Suralan telling Robocunt to grow a personality, I become painfully aware of how putdownable my rape novel is.
Without glamorous thug Cheryl Cole patronising people, without pop mogul Simon Cowell saying 'I don't want to patronise you,' I consider becoming either an accountant or a wag for the dosh.
I need one of those 2 shows to come back onto the screen so I can write lively and mean-spirited recaps. And give a legitimate, printable dimension to my writing 'career.'
In the interim, I want someone to pay to hire James off of the Apprentice for my next corporate event. Or just for a regular saturday night, really.
I wonder if after dinner speakers are like escorts and an extra £50 gets you the illegal stuff. In this case, I hope so!
Monday, 8 June 2009
53 Reasons Why I Love Him
51. Fresh info! He put the price of soap up on the soap task AND got rid of the excess stock to a supplier. That sexy, business savvy muvva.
52. He's writing a book. So am I! Again, we are like brothers. I bet his will get published first but I won't hold it against him. He is lovely.
53. Him clowning around in the birthing pool was Margaret's favourite moment of the series. This is high, high kudos. Only very shallow people would see Margaret's praise as less important than a big salary.
Reasons why I'm pleased Yasmina won and not Kate
1. She was nicer to James than Kate throughout the tasks
2. She picked James for her team
3. She rocked the dentface look along with James
4. Boring statistics (wins as project manager, boardroom visits) say she was the best
5. Not boning Philip
As you can see, these are far fewer reasons than James has but I am happy to admit that Yasmina was not a tool. Fuck, I'm feeling generous - Howard, you weren't a tool either. But neither of you two were James.
I love you James McQuillan. Please ditch your very slow talking wife and come look after me. I can enjoy your big salary and kind manner. You can enjoy my lovely teeth and fine conversation. We can take long walks and if I continue to gain weight on my upper torso, it will be easy for you shut your eyes and play pretend during our lovemaking.
52. He's writing a book. So am I! Again, we are like brothers. I bet his will get published first but I won't hold it against him. He is lovely.
53. Him clowning around in the birthing pool was Margaret's favourite moment of the series. This is high, high kudos. Only very shallow people would see Margaret's praise as less important than a big salary.
Reasons why I'm pleased Yasmina won and not Kate
1. She was nicer to James than Kate throughout the tasks
2. She picked James for her team
3. She rocked the dentface look along with James
4. Boring statistics (wins as project manager, boardroom visits) say she was the best
5. Not boning Philip
As you can see, these are far fewer reasons than James has but I am happy to admit that Yasmina was not a tool. Fuck, I'm feeling generous - Howard, you weren't a tool either. But neither of you two were James.
I love you James McQuillan. Please ditch your very slow talking wife and come look after me. I can enjoy your big salary and kind manner. You can enjoy my lovely teeth and fine conversation. We can take long walks and if I continue to gain weight on my upper torso, it will be easy for you shut your eyes and play pretend during our lovemaking.
Thursday, 4 June 2009
Reasons why James off of the Apprentice is better than everyone else
43. Debra got fired for being a dick. Suralan was all like, 'yes, you're very talented but you have a temper and you're too much of a dick for my organisation.' James is clearly not a dick.
44. Lorraine got fired for being a dick. Suralan was all like, 'yes, you're very intuitive but you rub people up the wrong way and you're too much of a dick for my organisation.' James is clearly not a dick.
45. James was the best-looking toddler out of all the final 5. We've seen the pictures!
46. Kate has no personality, so Suralan says. Ha! James has personality to spare. He could give some to Robocunt (formerly: The Heat Magazine whore) and he'd still be a more interesting, more wonderful business-savvy person.
47. Yasmina lies about her accomplishments. Ha! James doesn't need to lie. His success in business is so huge that it must be put into obscure acronyms to fit onto an easily portable CV. If he used full words, it would be hundreds of pages long and just un-ecological.
48. He 'puts a leash on people who spunk money up the wall.' That's a good thing, surely. In these troubled times. (And really, these money spunking people should be restrained. It's unchristian.)
49. When he left, the whole nation wept. The whole nation = me, James and Debra. Would we weep for Robocunt? I think not.
50. He got a 'with regret.' Only Mona and James have got those this season so James is in very exclusive company. (Debra got a 'keep in touch' but that's only because she seems easy. It's no 'with regret.')
44. Lorraine got fired for being a dick. Suralan was all like, 'yes, you're very intuitive but you rub people up the wrong way and you're too much of a dick for my organisation.' James is clearly not a dick.
45. James was the best-looking toddler out of all the final 5. We've seen the pictures!
46. Kate has no personality, so Suralan says. Ha! James has personality to spare. He could give some to Robocunt (formerly: The Heat Magazine whore) and he'd still be a more interesting, more wonderful business-savvy person.
47. Yasmina lies about her accomplishments. Ha! James doesn't need to lie. His success in business is so huge that it must be put into obscure acronyms to fit onto an easily portable CV. If he used full words, it would be hundreds of pages long and just un-ecological.
48. He 'puts a leash on people who spunk money up the wall.' That's a good thing, surely. In these troubled times. (And really, these money spunking people should be restrained. It's unchristian.)
49. When he left, the whole nation wept. The whole nation = me, James and Debra. Would we weep for Robocunt? I think not.
50. He got a 'with regret.' Only Mona and James have got those this season so James is in very exclusive company. (Debra got a 'keep in touch' but that's only because she seems easy. It's no 'with regret.')
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
Why The Last Man Standing should be the Apprentice
40. His smile is lovely and makes me want to give to charity and be nicer to my mother and speak very softly and make my own candles. His little smile, like when Suralan read out that fan mail, is lovely. His big smile, like when he goes flying, is lovely. He is a lovely man. (And think how lovely his smile will be when he wins. And what lovely people we will become having seen it.)
41. 'Plays well with others.' He and Dentface had a natural rapport. He told Crimewatchface to shut her mouf in the nicest way possible. In the real world, getting on with people is a good thing.
42. That Heat magazine whore got all upset when Lorraine said she looked ugly on TV. Ha! She is too shallow to win. James would never act this way. He knows he's hot as. We all knows it. He must win.
41. 'Plays well with others.' He and Dentface had a natural rapport. He told Crimewatchface to shut her mouf in the nicest way possible. In the real world, getting on with people is a good thing.
42. That Heat magazine whore got all upset when Lorraine said she looked ugly on TV. Ha! She is too shallow to win. James would never act this way. He knows he's hot as. We all knows it. He must win.
Monday, 25 May 2009
Hopefully not the last few reasons why James must win
36. If he doesn't win, it will be evidence that you have to be miserable, mean and boring to succeed in business. If he does win, it will be evidence that you can be happy, nice and funny.
37. I don't like dentface, gayface, crimewatchface, uglyface or that Heat magazine whore. I only like James. He must win.
38. He has a strange, strange knowledge of birth and the women's bits involved in birth. This either means he's a wonderful husband & father. Or a serial killer from a Thomas Harris novel. I think it's obvious which this blog believes him to be.
39. It rubs James's lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it's told. Or else it gets the hose again..
37. I don't like dentface, gayface, crimewatchface, uglyface or that Heat magazine whore. I only like James. He must win.
38. He has a strange, strange knowledge of birth and the women's bits involved in birth. This either means he's a wonderful husband & father. Or a serial killer from a Thomas Harris novel. I think it's obvious which this blog believes him to be.
39. It rubs James's lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it's told. Or else it gets the hose again..
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Further reasons why James must win
34. Because 'second prize don't exist.' So if James doesn't win, he doesn't get anything. And he really should get something.
35. He's not boning Philip.
35. He's not boning Philip.
Thursday, 14 May 2009
Reasons 31 through 33 why James must win The Apprentice
31. Suralan is being very mean to him. I like a winner who I feel a little sorry for. I felt a little sorry for Michael Phelps for having that odd face. I felt a little sorry for Shilpa Shetty because of all those racists. I feel a little sorry for James. He must win.
32. 'I'm more inclined for the gay.'
33. He doesn't like 'suggestive licking.' What righthinking person does? James is a man of the people.
32. 'I'm more inclined for the gay.'
33. He doesn't like 'suggestive licking.' What righthinking person does? James is a man of the people.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Reason #30 why James must win The Apprentice
30. 'I didn't want to jeapordise that creativity...by being there.'
Thursday, 7 May 2009
All The 29 Many and Varied Reasons Why James Must Win ‘The Apprentice’ (and not Kate or anyone else)
1.James wet himself a little bit in the boardroom.
2.James told Suralan he didn’t like looking at him.
3.James ‘bloody wants this.’ And he will bloody have ‘this.’ He must win.
4.He told that silly woman not to put expensive oil in soap. He's savvy!
5.He told that puffed up little man not to make a home gym. Savvy again!
6.He accused Ben of being spineless and shitting himself. Ha! Ben is a tool. James must win.
7.He writes sea shanties that are catchy and syntactically interesting. ‘A bowl of this, a pirate makes, so have yourself some treasure flakes!’
8.He gets very upset when he’s brought into the boardroom and makes the faces and noises of a primary school boy. In little shorts. He does this because he’s nice and can’t understand why the rest of them are such snaky dicks.
9.He gets very excited when he wins one of Suralan’s treats and makes the faces and noises of a primary school boy. In little shorts. He does this because he’s nice and really shouldn’t be made to spend time with such snaky dicks.
10.He is a good salesman. I’d buy soap off him. Or try one of his canapés. I already have a sleeping bag so I’m not really in the market for one of them but his wit could win me over.
11.He is a good manager. Even Margaret said so and she only roots for the women. I don’t know why. It’s something to do with Thatcher. Or Germaine Greer. James to win.
12.He is very clever. He’s a former chess child prodigy and earns lots of money.
13.His accent makes him sound like he’s less articulate than he is. It also does strange and erotic things to me.
14.He covers his mouth after he’s said something stupid. I do this too. We are like brothers.
15.[on arriving at a service station for a task:] ‘Maybe we’re doing a drug deal.’
16.‘I feel like a monkey, learning to use tools’
17.‘If I opened a funeral parlour, people would stop dying’
18.He’s scared of crabs. And rightly so. They have no face.
19.He’s scared of Noorul and slept with one eye open because he thought Noorul wanted to eat him. (And not in a gay way.) Ha!
20.While Kate’s trampy good looks will rot on the vine, James’ enthusiasm and zest for business will outlive us all.
21.James doesn’t use fake tan. James two, Kate nil.
22.While Ben and Phil often looked like they’d ‘cut a bitch’ at their angriest moments, James has respect for women.
23.While Mona can sell a lot of sleeping bags, James was stood there the whole time awkwardly looming over her. He was the wind beneath her wings! The fact that she didn’t burst into song about this in the boardroom is a sign that she is an asshat and that James must win.
24.While Howard’s teeth look like badly kept gravestones, James’s smile could light a darkened hallway.
25.While Yasmina has a big dent in her forehead, James is better in this and every way because his entire face is one big dent. Yasmina looks like she’s been smacked with a pickaxe. James looks like a lovely, business-savvy potato. James wins.
26.Lorraine ‘alienates people’ [read: may be a dick.] James is beloved by all. Apart from Ben but Ben is a tool. And doesn’t really like himself either so he doesn’t count. James is lovely.
27.Debra shouts constantly. At Nick Hewer for being observant, at people of colour for being racist. Shout, shout, shout. James shouts at no one. Apart from Ben but Ben is a tool. James is lovely.
28.Even though he’s not as beautiful as other reality TV contestants, I am still rooting for him. Because I am a professional, clinical blogger who can put erotic feelings to one side. And also, because James is all kinds of awesome.
29.If I went on a date with him, we’d eat rich pies and drink pints and he’d pay. He wouldn’t ‘get fresh.’ He wouldn't tell me about previous sexual partners or his experiences doing heroin. There would be no drama. He’d be very funny and I’d think to myself: ‘I could marry you, you potato-looking, business-savvy, wonderful man.’ I can't imagine having such a lovely evening with any of the other contestants. To repeat, for emphasis: James must win.
Thursday, 16 April 2009
A recap
Below is a recap of Coronation Street that I did for a magazine at the start of this year. It was a very good recap but the magazine has been disbanded so the link I had to it no longer works.
The actor who plays Gingerman was attacked and can't act for a while. I make numerous references in my blog to how he couldn't act when I watched him and I feel a little guilty.
I again urge you to watch American Idol as one of the contestants is well fit lol and I hope you enjoy the piece below:
Millions of people watch Coronation Street. Millions of people from that group even look forward to it. Millions commit to this show several times a week, every week of the year. Millions of people have body clocks with an innate alarm, set for 7:30.
This won’t be true for millions of people but I reckon that the guts, stomachs and bowels of some Corrie fans are carefully synchronised so that they never have to shit during their favourite show.
I’m not one of these people. I’ve never had an interest in soaps. When I was younger, I watched Eastenders a bit because I liked the accent. I wanted Grant Mitchell to wink at me and call me ‘Treacle.’ I watched Neighbours too during a phase because at least the cast had good skin. But Corrie’s a different beast. Instead of offering something foreign or vaguely erotic, it merely offers a different version of my home city. A miserable version of that city: one that I’ve never known and never want to know.
I also don’t have a lot of time for other people’s problems. So the idea of watching marriages fail and pasty people being murdered doesn’t appeal. To me, Coronation Street is like an annoying colleague who keeps telling you about those times she was raped or about her family’s medical history. But as I’ve been asked to write about this soap for Hive, I’m going to have to spend some time with that frequently-raped and constantly-troubled colleague and try to make friends with her. I’m going to have to summarise her movements the way I summarised The X Factor every week on my blog.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a whole episode of this show so I’ve no idea what anyone is called. I’ve had to rename them, like I’m Adam overseeing a dreary, poorly-acted Eden. If die-hard fans know the real names of Gaptooth and Trampyman, hats off to you.
Let the summary of Coronation Street, episode first aired 21.01.09, begin.
(0)
The opening music is familiar but not in a good way. The flat sax is familiar in the way that getting dumped is familiar. The music feels like it could be coming from the saxophonist outside House of Fraser. A minute before he gets attacked by a stag night troupe.
I see a cat creeping near rooftops. I see that the director’s called Pip. That is a tough playground name. No wonder Pip was drawn to a show that catalogues one street’s miseries.
(1)
We begin with men in a van. They say ‘flamin’ hell’ when they get bad news because we’re before the watershed. It’s unclear what they’re so upset about.
(2)
Two young men read about a criminal in the newspaper. One is a ginger boy; the other has a shaved head and looks like an alien. There is more use of ‘flamin” by these two. Why do the scriptwriters like that word so much? What’s wrong with fudging? Or flipping?
There’s a ginger girl with a big gap in her teeth. It turns out Gaptooth’s last boyfriend is the criminal from the paper. She is very upset about her ex’s ways and Alienman offers her tea. A ‘nice’ cup of tea at that. Gingerboy offers her a bacon butty. These kind offers don’t help.
I’d like a bacon sandwich.
(3)
We learn an old man’s been robbed. The old man is one of the men from the van, or Vanman-1. He’s a builder and someone’s stolen his copper pipes.
Vanman-2 is younger, not much older than me, and I would.
Vanman-1 is wearing a Barbour waistcoat. I think he’s dressing so glamorously because he’s jealous of Vanman-2’s good looks.
A trampy-looking man offers Vanman-1 a bit of his sandwich to make him feel better. A bit of sandwich won’t bring back the Vanmen’s pipes, just as one wouldn’t mend Gaptooth’s broken heart.
Trampyman is unshaven, balding and has long flaps of ginger hair. He shivers and shakes a lot. He looks unwell in mind and body.
(4)
I see someone I recognise. She’s called Dawn or Gail. I think she was married to a serial killer. She has a similar hairdo to my Mum. Someone close to Dawn or Gail is missing. I don’t know who. She tells her children that ‘she doesn’t want to fight. She just wants to know he’s safe.’ I know no one’s names. They won’t tell me anything. This is getting frustrating.
(5)
Trampyman has a very posh house. Well, posh in a poor way. It has white leather sofas and a games console and glass objets d’arts. Trampyman has a young ginger son. The ginger quotient is so high on this show. I will call the son Gingerman. We will have to work through any possible confusion of Gingerman and Gingerboy together.
Gingerman has scraggly facial hair and is wearing bad jewellery but there is an attraction. I won’t lie to you about that. Trampyman discusses the Vanmen’s missing pipes with his son. Trampyman sucks his cheeks in the way that implies the sort-of-fit Gingerman may have been involved in the crime. Then, implication becomes full-on accusation. Trampyman tells Gingerman not to steal pipes from builders’ yards.
I take it back, I want to watch marriages collapse and people being murdered. I am bored of this missing pipe story.
(6)
We have a name! Dawn or Gail’s daughter is called Tina. Also, we learn who the missing man is! It’s Dawn or Gail’s man. Dawngailman’s been sleeping in a lock up because he’s embarrassed that he’s a labourer.
(7)
We learn another name when we see Mrs. Bromwell arrive for her hair cut. She’s a minor character I think but names are names. There’s some shit about who’s going to cut Mrs Bromwell’s hair. Whatevs.
(8)
The Vanmen discuss the missing pipes. Oh, send Obama to find them already. He’s going to create a world without pipe theft. I’m sure this was in his inauguration speech.
Vanman-2 has an angry face and looks a little like a potato. He is the world’s first angry potato. He wants to find the culprit.
Vanman-1 just wants to find the pipes. I think having a nice Barbour waistcoat has made him more relaxed about life than his hot-blooded colleague. It’s so hard to be angry in Barbour. I don’t think I’ve even raised my voice while wearing my quilted jacket.
Vanman-2’s bottom lip is coated with spit. These missing pipes have left him rabid.
The Vanmen blame Dawngailman for the crime because he’s poor.
(9)
In a burger place, an indie boy talks to an Asian girl through his nose. He looks like Alex Zane. I fucking hate Alex Zane. I hate the haircut they have in common too.
The Asian girl tells an Asian man that she’s working with Alex Zane, and not for him, because it pays 50p more an hour. Asianman is very slimy. He calls Asiangirl ‘Babe’ to prove that he is very slimy. His mouth says ‘Babe’ and his bedroom eyes say ‘ooh, I’ve got a stolen pipe to show you, love.’
Alex Zane says ‘that were easy’ when Asianman leaves. I’ve lived in Manchester my whole life and I know no one who talks like this.
(10)
Vanman-2 talks to Gingerman about the robbery. Gingerman is meant to look menacing and scheming. He achieves this by glaring and baring peggy little teeth. Someone’s been to Drama school!
Dawngailman appears and tells Gingerman to ‘sling ‘is ‘ook’, which prompts more menacing looks. The pipe stealer and the alleged pipe stealer hate each other! This is about more than pipes!
Gingerman accuses Dawngailman of the pipe theft and then gets shoved against a wall. Dawngailman does a very good angry face. He’s been to an even better Drama School than Gingerman. Dawngailman gets told that ‘he’s a few meats short of a casserole.’
We go to an advert break. I am very grateful. We learn that gourmet hot chocolates, discounted fireplaces and Kit Kats are available. There’s a very affecting advert about the different ways that the mentally ill face discrimination. It puts this pipe shit in perspective a little.
(11)
We’re back in the hair salon. A surprisingly posh old woman praises her young hairdresser for her strength. This refers to some back-story that I know nothing about. Maybe the hairdresser had some pipes stolen from her during an old plot arc and coped with it admirably.
(12)
Vanmen and Dawngailman eat a pub lunch. Big shock: there’s more pipe talk. Dawngailman knows he’s a suspect. He starts to storm off and is told by Vanman-1 to sit down and ‘eat ‘is ‘otpot.’
I think the obesity crisis can be blamed almost entirely on Coronation Street. I am convinced. This show encourages people to solve all their problems with food: sandwiches for property loss, bacon butties for heartache, ‘otpots for slander. There’s a little boy somewhere who’s getting bullied in school and weeps into ten ‘otpots a night, which he stuffs down even when he’s not hungry, because that’s how his favourite character on their favourite show deals with strife.
Vanman-1, you sicken me.
(13)
On the street, Alienman and Gingerboy discuss potential lovers for Gaptooth. A gay man is listed as an option. Gingerboy suggests that Alienman goes out with Gaptooth. I think this is wise. Let’s keep the ugly genes at the same end of the pool.
They enter the burger place. Alienman tells Asiangirl that a ‘bubble bum’ girl is now working in the corner shop. Where Asiangirl used to work! And Bubblebum used to work in the burger bar! Fuck pipes, this is the real drama.
Alex Zane pulls more ugly faces. His hair looks ridiculous. He has bed hair at the top and greasy clumpy bits near the bottom. This cheeky arctic monkey needs a good wash.
(14)
Dawn or Gail discusses Dawngailman with Vanmen. Dawngailman is called Joe. Vanmen explain to Dawn or Gail that Dawngailman is broke and that, as a rule, broke people steal pipes.
Dawn or Gail whispers every word. She thinks she’s in a David Hare play, not in this wank.
(15)
Alienman brings home chips for Gingerboy. But Gingerboy cannot enjoy these chips because he’s off to set up Gaptooth with a hot male.
Alienman then sits on his chips and says ‘Oh no’. This bit of physical comedy was entirely unwelcome.
(16)
Asiangirl and Bubblebum glare at each other and argue in Asianman’s corner shop. We learn that Asiangirl went to work at Alex Zane’s burger place because Asianman wouldn’t buy her a car. Plus, we learn that Asianman is her Dad. Yes, Asianman aimed those hungry eyes and the word ‘Babe’ at his daughter. Asianman owns both the burger place and this corner shop and says that his daughter will work where he says. Asiangirl shouts at him and calls him a narcissist.
(17)
The hairdresser is now chatting to Alienman. I clearly missed something during the haircut scene because there’s now talk of someone who disappeared suspiciously. The posh haircut woman seems to have offered some vital clue.
I’m past caring. I don’t like this show.
I like shows where people over-sing Hallelujah and Louis Walsh cries. Or where skinny women pose for pictures and have ‘you better work, bitch’ yelled at them by orange gay men. Or where a boy from Essex and a girl from Wales fall in love and the supporting cast overact.
(18)
Gaptooth and Gingerboy eat a fry-up in a greasy spoon cafe. This scene is my favourite.
Gaptooth is getting stared at by a man in a baseball cap, at the next table. He may be a teenager. The man at the next table boasts to Gaptooth that he can drive, only he doesn’t have a car or a license. Gaptooth looks perturbed. He then reads a poem about Gaptooth’s burning eyes and his own sore lips. It’s meant to be very rubbish, and it is, but I read far worse creative writing on my MA. Gaptooth rejects the poet who then leaves, saying his farewells in rhyme. He is by far the best character.
There’s then a touching moment where Gingerboy says this awkward set-up only occurred because Gingerboy didn’t like seeing Gaptooth so sad. Gaptooth says she don’t need no man to be happy but that she appreciates the thought. Gingerboy is called Chesney. Why are the scriptwriters telling me the names now? I wanted them at the beginning.
(19)
Dawn or Gail and her children discuss the missing pipes. The son suspects Gingerman and his uncle. The uncle’s not been in this episode. It would make more sense to me to have both pipe thieves appear in such a pipe theft-heavy episode but I’m no hotshot soap writer.
(20)
My favourite character is back, after a mercifully brief absence.
Poetman is lying in a bus’s path because he wants to die. Gingerboy and Gaptooth want him to get up. No one is taking his attempt too seriously. The group are almost run over by a silver car. No one is hurt.
We learn Poetman is affably suicidal because he thinks Gaptooth thinks he’s ugly. Gaptooth apologises to Poetman for being crabby. Poetman apologises to Gaptooth for being a big tool.
Poetman tells Gaptooth, and ergo tells us, that he fancied the puppet mermaid from Stingray. I fancied Virgil from Thunderbirds so I like Poetman even more now. Poetman then makes puppet-themed jokes about ‘no strings’ love and about getting splinters on his cock. Gaptooth is so amused that she smiles widely and shows her tooth gap proudly to the world. She gives Poetman permission to read the end of his poetic tribute to her.
Poetman’s limited skills are exposed by his use of a masculine rhyme scheme – yes, I know the terms – but, like I said, I’ve read worse. And I’ve bonded with Poetman because of our shared puppet-lust experiences so I’ll support him and his work to the death now.
(21)
Trampyman and Gingerman argue about the missing pipes. There’s talk of jail if Gingerman is caught! Gingerman says he’s had no role models and wants a better life. Trampyman says a better life won’t be acquired through petty pipe theft. Gingerman blames his father Trampyman’s hypocrisy, and love of ‘knock-offs,’ for his own criminal ways. I’m on Gingerman’s side for now because he has better hair.
Trampyman really hams it up now. He repeats himself for emphasis, flails his hair wildly and he does this weird Elvis-style sneer, but does this with his bottom lip. He looks crazed. He says ‘flamin” a few times too.
There’s someone at the door!
It’s Dawn or Gail’s son. He’s here to accuse Gingerman of stealing the pipes. Trampyman gives his son an alibi. Apparently they watched The Dark Knight on DVD. This is a watertight alibi.
Dawn or Gail’s son is called David. Dawn or Gail’s daughter Tina also appears. I know a whole family’s name now!
David upsets Gingerman greatly. In fact, Gingerman threatens to ‘lamp ‘im’ if he’s called a liar one more time. David does just that – by spelling the word out, the badass – and these two angry men have to be restrained by Trampyman and Tina.The thing is though – Gingerman is a liar so I don’t know why being called this is upsetting him so.
David is going to the police. The music comes and I’m relieved. I doubt I’ll ever watch again so I’ll never know if Poetman comes back to rhyme more monosyllabic words. I’ll never know if pipe thieves ever prosper. I’ll never know how many rural chic outfits Vanman-1 owns. Most importantly, I’ll never know why people enjoy this show.
The actor who plays Gingerman was attacked and can't act for a while. I make numerous references in my blog to how he couldn't act when I watched him and I feel a little guilty.
I again urge you to watch American Idol as one of the contestants is well fit lol and I hope you enjoy the piece below:
Pipe Dream
Millions of people watch Coronation Street. Millions of people from that group even look forward to it. Millions commit to this show several times a week, every week of the year. Millions of people have body clocks with an innate alarm, set for 7:30.
This won’t be true for millions of people but I reckon that the guts, stomachs and bowels of some Corrie fans are carefully synchronised so that they never have to shit during their favourite show.
I’m not one of these people. I’ve never had an interest in soaps. When I was younger, I watched Eastenders a bit because I liked the accent. I wanted Grant Mitchell to wink at me and call me ‘Treacle.’ I watched Neighbours too during a phase because at least the cast had good skin. But Corrie’s a different beast. Instead of offering something foreign or vaguely erotic, it merely offers a different version of my home city. A miserable version of that city: one that I’ve never known and never want to know.
I also don’t have a lot of time for other people’s problems. So the idea of watching marriages fail and pasty people being murdered doesn’t appeal. To me, Coronation Street is like an annoying colleague who keeps telling you about those times she was raped or about her family’s medical history. But as I’ve been asked to write about this soap for Hive, I’m going to have to spend some time with that frequently-raped and constantly-troubled colleague and try to make friends with her. I’m going to have to summarise her movements the way I summarised The X Factor every week on my blog.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a whole episode of this show so I’ve no idea what anyone is called. I’ve had to rename them, like I’m Adam overseeing a dreary, poorly-acted Eden. If die-hard fans know the real names of Gaptooth and Trampyman, hats off to you.
Let the summary of Coronation Street, episode first aired 21.01.09, begin.
(0)
The opening music is familiar but not in a good way. The flat sax is familiar in the way that getting dumped is familiar. The music feels like it could be coming from the saxophonist outside House of Fraser. A minute before he gets attacked by a stag night troupe.
I see a cat creeping near rooftops. I see that the director’s called Pip. That is a tough playground name. No wonder Pip was drawn to a show that catalogues one street’s miseries.
(1)
We begin with men in a van. They say ‘flamin’ hell’ when they get bad news because we’re before the watershed. It’s unclear what they’re so upset about.
(2)
Two young men read about a criminal in the newspaper. One is a ginger boy; the other has a shaved head and looks like an alien. There is more use of ‘flamin” by these two. Why do the scriptwriters like that word so much? What’s wrong with fudging? Or flipping?
There’s a ginger girl with a big gap in her teeth. It turns out Gaptooth’s last boyfriend is the criminal from the paper. She is very upset about her ex’s ways and Alienman offers her tea. A ‘nice’ cup of tea at that. Gingerboy offers her a bacon butty. These kind offers don’t help.
I’d like a bacon sandwich.
(3)
We learn an old man’s been robbed. The old man is one of the men from the van, or Vanman-1. He’s a builder and someone’s stolen his copper pipes.
Vanman-2 is younger, not much older than me, and I would.
Vanman-1 is wearing a Barbour waistcoat. I think he’s dressing so glamorously because he’s jealous of Vanman-2’s good looks.
A trampy-looking man offers Vanman-1 a bit of his sandwich to make him feel better. A bit of sandwich won’t bring back the Vanmen’s pipes, just as one wouldn’t mend Gaptooth’s broken heart.
Trampyman is unshaven, balding and has long flaps of ginger hair. He shivers and shakes a lot. He looks unwell in mind and body.
(4)
I see someone I recognise. She’s called Dawn or Gail. I think she was married to a serial killer. She has a similar hairdo to my Mum. Someone close to Dawn or Gail is missing. I don’t know who. She tells her children that ‘she doesn’t want to fight. She just wants to know he’s safe.’ I know no one’s names. They won’t tell me anything. This is getting frustrating.
(5)
Trampyman has a very posh house. Well, posh in a poor way. It has white leather sofas and a games console and glass objets d’arts. Trampyman has a young ginger son. The ginger quotient is so high on this show. I will call the son Gingerman. We will have to work through any possible confusion of Gingerman and Gingerboy together.
Gingerman has scraggly facial hair and is wearing bad jewellery but there is an attraction. I won’t lie to you about that. Trampyman discusses the Vanmen’s missing pipes with his son. Trampyman sucks his cheeks in the way that implies the sort-of-fit Gingerman may have been involved in the crime. Then, implication becomes full-on accusation. Trampyman tells Gingerman not to steal pipes from builders’ yards.
I take it back, I want to watch marriages collapse and people being murdered. I am bored of this missing pipe story.
(6)
We have a name! Dawn or Gail’s daughter is called Tina. Also, we learn who the missing man is! It’s Dawn or Gail’s man. Dawngailman’s been sleeping in a lock up because he’s embarrassed that he’s a labourer.
(7)
We learn another name when we see Mrs. Bromwell arrive for her hair cut. She’s a minor character I think but names are names. There’s some shit about who’s going to cut Mrs Bromwell’s hair. Whatevs.
(8)
The Vanmen discuss the missing pipes. Oh, send Obama to find them already. He’s going to create a world without pipe theft. I’m sure this was in his inauguration speech.
Vanman-2 has an angry face and looks a little like a potato. He is the world’s first angry potato. He wants to find the culprit.
Vanman-1 just wants to find the pipes. I think having a nice Barbour waistcoat has made him more relaxed about life than his hot-blooded colleague. It’s so hard to be angry in Barbour. I don’t think I’ve even raised my voice while wearing my quilted jacket.
Vanman-2’s bottom lip is coated with spit. These missing pipes have left him rabid.
The Vanmen blame Dawngailman for the crime because he’s poor.
(9)
In a burger place, an indie boy talks to an Asian girl through his nose. He looks like Alex Zane. I fucking hate Alex Zane. I hate the haircut they have in common too.
The Asian girl tells an Asian man that she’s working with Alex Zane, and not for him, because it pays 50p more an hour. Asianman is very slimy. He calls Asiangirl ‘Babe’ to prove that he is very slimy. His mouth says ‘Babe’ and his bedroom eyes say ‘ooh, I’ve got a stolen pipe to show you, love.’
Alex Zane says ‘that were easy’ when Asianman leaves. I’ve lived in Manchester my whole life and I know no one who talks like this.
(10)
Vanman-2 talks to Gingerman about the robbery. Gingerman is meant to look menacing and scheming. He achieves this by glaring and baring peggy little teeth. Someone’s been to Drama school!
Dawngailman appears and tells Gingerman to ‘sling ‘is ‘ook’, which prompts more menacing looks. The pipe stealer and the alleged pipe stealer hate each other! This is about more than pipes!
Gingerman accuses Dawngailman of the pipe theft and then gets shoved against a wall. Dawngailman does a very good angry face. He’s been to an even better Drama School than Gingerman. Dawngailman gets told that ‘he’s a few meats short of a casserole.’
We go to an advert break. I am very grateful. We learn that gourmet hot chocolates, discounted fireplaces and Kit Kats are available. There’s a very affecting advert about the different ways that the mentally ill face discrimination. It puts this pipe shit in perspective a little.
(11)
We’re back in the hair salon. A surprisingly posh old woman praises her young hairdresser for her strength. This refers to some back-story that I know nothing about. Maybe the hairdresser had some pipes stolen from her during an old plot arc and coped with it admirably.
(12)
Vanmen and Dawngailman eat a pub lunch. Big shock: there’s more pipe talk. Dawngailman knows he’s a suspect. He starts to storm off and is told by Vanman-1 to sit down and ‘eat ‘is ‘otpot.’
I think the obesity crisis can be blamed almost entirely on Coronation Street. I am convinced. This show encourages people to solve all their problems with food: sandwiches for property loss, bacon butties for heartache, ‘otpots for slander. There’s a little boy somewhere who’s getting bullied in school and weeps into ten ‘otpots a night, which he stuffs down even when he’s not hungry, because that’s how his favourite character on their favourite show deals with strife.
Vanman-1, you sicken me.
(13)
On the street, Alienman and Gingerboy discuss potential lovers for Gaptooth. A gay man is listed as an option. Gingerboy suggests that Alienman goes out with Gaptooth. I think this is wise. Let’s keep the ugly genes at the same end of the pool.
They enter the burger place. Alienman tells Asiangirl that a ‘bubble bum’ girl is now working in the corner shop. Where Asiangirl used to work! And Bubblebum used to work in the burger bar! Fuck pipes, this is the real drama.
Alex Zane pulls more ugly faces. His hair looks ridiculous. He has bed hair at the top and greasy clumpy bits near the bottom. This cheeky arctic monkey needs a good wash.
(14)
Dawn or Gail discusses Dawngailman with Vanmen. Dawngailman is called Joe. Vanmen explain to Dawn or Gail that Dawngailman is broke and that, as a rule, broke people steal pipes.
Dawn or Gail whispers every word. She thinks she’s in a David Hare play, not in this wank.
(15)
Alienman brings home chips for Gingerboy. But Gingerboy cannot enjoy these chips because he’s off to set up Gaptooth with a hot male.
Alienman then sits on his chips and says ‘Oh no’. This bit of physical comedy was entirely unwelcome.
(16)
Asiangirl and Bubblebum glare at each other and argue in Asianman’s corner shop. We learn that Asiangirl went to work at Alex Zane’s burger place because Asianman wouldn’t buy her a car. Plus, we learn that Asianman is her Dad. Yes, Asianman aimed those hungry eyes and the word ‘Babe’ at his daughter. Asianman owns both the burger place and this corner shop and says that his daughter will work where he says. Asiangirl shouts at him and calls him a narcissist.
(17)
The hairdresser is now chatting to Alienman. I clearly missed something during the haircut scene because there’s now talk of someone who disappeared suspiciously. The posh haircut woman seems to have offered some vital clue.
I’m past caring. I don’t like this show.
I like shows where people over-sing Hallelujah and Louis Walsh cries. Or where skinny women pose for pictures and have ‘you better work, bitch’ yelled at them by orange gay men. Or where a boy from Essex and a girl from Wales fall in love and the supporting cast overact.
(18)
Gaptooth and Gingerboy eat a fry-up in a greasy spoon cafe. This scene is my favourite.
Gaptooth is getting stared at by a man in a baseball cap, at the next table. He may be a teenager. The man at the next table boasts to Gaptooth that he can drive, only he doesn’t have a car or a license. Gaptooth looks perturbed. He then reads a poem about Gaptooth’s burning eyes and his own sore lips. It’s meant to be very rubbish, and it is, but I read far worse creative writing on my MA. Gaptooth rejects the poet who then leaves, saying his farewells in rhyme. He is by far the best character.
There’s then a touching moment where Gingerboy says this awkward set-up only occurred because Gingerboy didn’t like seeing Gaptooth so sad. Gaptooth says she don’t need no man to be happy but that she appreciates the thought. Gingerboy is called Chesney. Why are the scriptwriters telling me the names now? I wanted them at the beginning.
(19)
Dawn or Gail and her children discuss the missing pipes. The son suspects Gingerman and his uncle. The uncle’s not been in this episode. It would make more sense to me to have both pipe thieves appear in such a pipe theft-heavy episode but I’m no hotshot soap writer.
(20)
My favourite character is back, after a mercifully brief absence.
Poetman is lying in a bus’s path because he wants to die. Gingerboy and Gaptooth want him to get up. No one is taking his attempt too seriously. The group are almost run over by a silver car. No one is hurt.
We learn Poetman is affably suicidal because he thinks Gaptooth thinks he’s ugly. Gaptooth apologises to Poetman for being crabby. Poetman apologises to Gaptooth for being a big tool.
Poetman tells Gaptooth, and ergo tells us, that he fancied the puppet mermaid from Stingray. I fancied Virgil from Thunderbirds so I like Poetman even more now. Poetman then makes puppet-themed jokes about ‘no strings’ love and about getting splinters on his cock. Gaptooth is so amused that she smiles widely and shows her tooth gap proudly to the world. She gives Poetman permission to read the end of his poetic tribute to her.
Poetman’s limited skills are exposed by his use of a masculine rhyme scheme – yes, I know the terms – but, like I said, I’ve read worse. And I’ve bonded with Poetman because of our shared puppet-lust experiences so I’ll support him and his work to the death now.
(21)
Trampyman and Gingerman argue about the missing pipes. There’s talk of jail if Gingerman is caught! Gingerman says he’s had no role models and wants a better life. Trampyman says a better life won’t be acquired through petty pipe theft. Gingerman blames his father Trampyman’s hypocrisy, and love of ‘knock-offs,’ for his own criminal ways. I’m on Gingerman’s side for now because he has better hair.
Trampyman really hams it up now. He repeats himself for emphasis, flails his hair wildly and he does this weird Elvis-style sneer, but does this with his bottom lip. He looks crazed. He says ‘flamin” a few times too.
There’s someone at the door!
It’s Dawn or Gail’s son. He’s here to accuse Gingerman of stealing the pipes. Trampyman gives his son an alibi. Apparently they watched The Dark Knight on DVD. This is a watertight alibi.
Dawn or Gail’s son is called David. Dawn or Gail’s daughter Tina also appears. I know a whole family’s name now!
David upsets Gingerman greatly. In fact, Gingerman threatens to ‘lamp ‘im’ if he’s called a liar one more time. David does just that – by spelling the word out, the badass – and these two angry men have to be restrained by Trampyman and Tina.The thing is though – Gingerman is a liar so I don’t know why being called this is upsetting him so.
David is going to the police. The music comes and I’m relieved. I doubt I’ll ever watch again so I’ll never know if Poetman comes back to rhyme more monosyllabic words. I’ll never know if pipe thieves ever prosper. I’ll never know how many rural chic outfits Vanman-1 owns. Most importantly, I’ll never know why people enjoy this show.
Saturday, 11 April 2009
Novellas and News
I have a list of my ten favourite novels up posted online. It's a project for John Madera's blog. It is written in my 'inimitable' style.
In other news, Same Difference have been dropped. The news is all over the Internet. I'm very sad as they are my third-favourite X Factor act ever, after that beautiful, Spanish woman and that horsy woman who keeps bleeding, keeps, keeps bleeding.
Also: why not watch American idol? It's like The X Factor only the people sing better and look better.
In other news, Same Difference have been dropped. The news is all over the Internet. I'm very sad as they are my third-favourite X Factor act ever, after that beautiful, Spanish woman and that horsy woman who keeps bleeding, keeps, keeps bleeding.
Also: why not watch American idol? It's like The X Factor only the people sing better and look better.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Leon 'dropped,' Quigg 'to drop'
I am so up on music lingo. This post's headline makes this clear.
The X Factor winner Leon Jackson has been 'dropped' by his record label. This means they won't let him make more albums or get paid. He was Scottish and very miserable and couldn't wail pleasantly. He could mumble and cry though. He had terrible, Pete Doherty hair. There will be no picture of him posted.
But to replace this bad singer void suddenly made in our lives, the Eunuch Quigg has an album 'about to drop.' This means a CD will be available in all the best shops. Before I give details, let's all look the cover art.
The album also includes that Take That song he did on the show, that Busted song that he had to change the racy lyrics of, his favouritest song by his favouritest band Abba, that High School Musical song about the Wildcats where he danced and that song that made me believe Eoghan had once loved a pet rat and wasn't just acting all cute. Now it's us, now it's we and so on.
Do you remember that week Eoghan was annoying?
Do you remember that week Eoghan was a bit shit?
Lovely memories.
The X Factor winner Leon Jackson has been 'dropped' by his record label. This means they won't let him make more albums or get paid. He was Scottish and very miserable and couldn't wail pleasantly. He could mumble and cry though. He had terrible, Pete Doherty hair. There will be no picture of him posted.
But to replace this bad singer void suddenly made in our lives, the Eunuch Quigg has an album 'about to drop.' This means a CD will be available in all the best shops. Before I give details, let's all look the cover art.
Phwoar. What a fittie. If the CD is as lavishly produced as its cover art, I'll buy more than 1 copy.
The album includes a single called '28,000 friends.' It's about a girl with lots of online friends. I can relate.
The album includes a single called '28,000 friends.' It's about a girl with lots of online friends. I can relate.
The album also includes that Take That song he did on the show, that Busted song that he had to change the racy lyrics of, his favouritest song by his favouritest band Abba, that High School Musical song about the Wildcats where he danced and that song that made me believe Eoghan had once loved a pet rat and wasn't just acting all cute. Now it's us, now it's we and so on.
So half the album we've already heard him sing on The X Factor. It will be a trip down memory lane.
Do you remember that week Eoghan was annoying?
Do you remember that week Eoghan was a bit shit?
Lovely memories.
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
New Fiction
I had a story called 'Dark' published in a zine a few months ago. The zine now has a shiny website where you can request copies. My story's a bit rude.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
American Idol
I'm not going to do full recaps because I have to work on my novel and make it 'unputdownable.' At the moment it is painfully putdownable. I want however to share one conclusive thought about American Idol....
It's very much like the X Factor.
Please read below for why:
It has a lovable (read: so dumb it's not even cute, read: no one loves him) judge.
It has a ballsy (read: annoying, read: gobby) new girl judge.
It has a man of the people (read: patronising, read: fake) host.
It has a glamorous (read: orange, read: more with the dancing than the singing) ex pop star judge.
It has a Simon Cowell (read: always right, read: really likes Hallelujah) judge.
(See them pictured below L-R)
It's very much like the X Factor.
Please read below for why:
It has a lovable (read: so dumb it's not even cute, read: no one loves him) judge.
It has a ballsy (read: annoying, read: gobby) new girl judge.
It has a man of the people (read: patronising, read: fake) host.
It has a glamorous (read: orange, read: more with the dancing than the singing) ex pop star judge.
It has a Simon Cowell (read: always right, read: really likes Hallelujah) judge.
(See them pictured below L-R)
It has a man with a dead wife contestant. Only he sings better than Deadwife.
It has a girl who is fat contestant. Only she sings better than The Fat Girl. And is pretty.
It has teens with no sex parts to scare the children contestants. Only they all sing better than the Eunuch Quigg.
It has girls who are quirky contestants. They all sing better and are no less quirky than Diana 'wankcramp' Vickers.
It has a woman with children and a hard life contestant. Logically, she couldn't sing any worse than Rachel. (And there's been no gun crime hand gestures. So 2-0!)
It has girls we'll just have to trust the producers that they're are actually girls contestants. Surprisingly, they sing less well than Alexandra.
It has girls who can sing in Spanish contestants. They sing just as well as Beautiful, Spanish Ruth so far. But they are neither as beautiful nor as Spanish as she. How could they be? Lorenzo, Lorenzo. I miss you. Come back to the spotlight.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Recaps
Just because The X Factor is over, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy my recaps.
I've done a recap of Coronation Street for Hive Magazine. I had grave doubts about writing this one, mainly because there was no one on the show singing Blondie and showing us their pants. But I assure you it is a very good recap.
I've done a recap of Coronation Street for Hive Magazine. I had grave doubts about writing this one, mainly because there was no one on the show singing Blondie and showing us their pants. But I assure you it is a very good recap.
Saturday, 24 January 2009
Tim 1 - Same Difference 0
They have their fingers crossed for nothing. Same Difference have had to cancel their tour. And instead provide support for charm-vacuum Leon Jackson. This is very sad news.
I liked them when they were on the show and I like at least 1 of their songs after that. Sometimes bad things happen to good reality contestants.
But good things happen to good recappers. I am doing a gig on Tuesday night with these people and I have a story printed in this zine.
And I have clearly mastered the art of the link. Everything is on the up!
Wednesday, 21 January 2009
Good on you 'girl'
Alexandra Burke's 'controversial' cover of Hallelujah has now sold a million copies. Well done her. I like her version and its pleasant wailing. I got a copy for Christmas from my Dad.
In other news, one of her middle names is Ewen. The tranny plot thickens!
Saturday, 10 January 2009
You can call him Ray, You can call him Gay
I read a horrendous article this morning. It was about former X Factor contestant Ray Quinn. See the picture below if you need a reminder of his cherubic face.
Ray is going to be a celebrity ice dancer on Dancing on Ice. In this article, he talks about his 'tight buns' and love for pink lycra. Apparently, he's very comfortable with his sexuality and won't mind fagging around on the ice.
Thank God he's on our side! He is a wonderful man and anyone who says he's a terrifying runt is a bitter old queen.
Ray is going to be a celebrity ice dancer on Dancing on Ice. In this article, he talks about his 'tight buns' and love for pink lycra. Apparently, he's very comfortable with his sexuality and won't mind fagging around on the ice.
Thank God he's on our side! He is a wonderful man and anyone who says he's a terrifying runt is a bitter old queen.
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Thex Factor X - The End of Year Recap
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. There were four judges
One is media mogul Simon Cowell, who comes with bad hair but lovely teeth. One is music manager Louis Walsh, who comes with a ratty smile but a sense of fun. One is celebrity sibling Dannii Minogue, who comes with a stiff face but clear opinions. One is celebrity thug Cheryl Cole, who comes with poor grammar but a warm personality.
2. There were 12 acts.
3 are young boys. 3 are young girls. 3 are groups. 3 are over 25 and hence very old. 1 was the winner. 1 drank in Shayne Ward’s pub. 1 has a dead wife. 1 was beautiful and Spanish.
3. There were guests and themes.
Sometimes the guests were the themes. There was a Mariah week and a Britney week, for example. Everyone had to sing Mariah and Britney songs on these weeks. Sometimes the guests had no link to the themes. Almost all the other guests are, or have been, on Simon Cowell’s books. Girls Aloud and Same Difference, for example.
4. Alexandra won.
She released Hallelujah as her reward and lots of people got very upset. A lot of these people hadn’t heard of Jeff Buckley until they started sixth form. I’m not upset by this cover. In fact, I want to go on to the X Factor and sing ‘Oh Whatever’ to the tune of Hallelujah. With a gospel choir, the gay one from Westlife and plastic reindeer on stage.
5. There were guest columnists.
Matt Jackson, Will Longhill, Dorian Campbell, Martin Higgins, Sian Cummins and Chris Killen were lively and mean-spirited. Thanks to, and hurrah for, them all.
On with the end-of-series rankings…..
1. BEAUTIFUL, SPANISH RUTH – ‘I am beautiful in every single way’
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth’s VTs mainly focused on her being beautiful and Spanish. A few VTs were downbeat because Ruth had been in the bottom two the week before. We saw Mama Lorenzo and the Mediterranean sea. She was accused of being a bit shouty.
Ruth’s performances were almost always a bit shouty. I have no problem with this. I can’t raise my voice so I admire those who can. Ruth’s subdued performances (that Top Gun song, that Mariah song) weren’t very good anyway. The ones with the shouting were all hilarious, particularly when she reimagined Gershwin’s lullaby Summertime as a crazed mob cry. The living wasn’t so easy then. Ironically, Ruth’s very best performances came when she was in the bottom two. It goes without saying that there was some very pleasant shouting from Ruth on those occasions.
Ruth got her boobs out almost every week. She did full-body heaving as if she had a bad cough. She rubbed and flung about her big hair too. She was glorious and she was voted off just as she was getting better.
Best Thex Factor moment: After Simon commented on the mechanical bull that was on stage during her Britney performance, Ruth said ‘I thought you liked bulls, Simon.’ Simon said ‘I could say the same about you Ruth’ back. Never has nonsense seemed more meaningful.
2. ALEXANDER/ALEXANDRA – ‘I’m just a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania’
I felt I should put Alexandra at number one based on her terrifying Hallelujah alone. But then I realised that she’d copied the full-body heaving and the shouting from Ruth anyway. And the master should always be higher than the pupil.
Her VTs showed Alex being nice, normal and articulate. Wanker. She performed well throughout the series so there was little drama. Apart from the week when she cried because Laura and Diana were popular. Ha! There was also some fuss when Alex would have to sing AND dance at the same time.
Alex had two styles of performance. There were the ballad performances, which ranged from very impressive to quite dull. She would sing with a husky tone, wail pleasantly and have flattering, curly hair extensions. There were also the up-tempo performances, which ranged from hilarious to quite dull. She would sing with a gentler tone, wail very pleasantly considering all the dancing she had to do and look like a big tran. A tran with a love for glitter and sequins!
Alexandra started off very pointless but her vocals improved and her performances became more interesting. She also seemed like a nice person. For all these reasons, she was the Anti-Diana.
Best Thex Factor moment: when Beyoncé said ‘Sing it, girl’ during their duet and then regretted it soon after. Bey looked increasingly uncomfortable as Alex kept weeping and stroking her.
3. PRINCESS DIANA – ‘Where did I go wrong?’
Diana’s VT showed off her speaking-voice. This was not good. She was also very ruddy in the face, which was offputting. Her early VTs were a summary of how awesome she was. And she was awesome. One VT had her being sick, unable to meet Mariah Carey and then unable to sing. After that, her VTs focused on her now being shit. And she was now shit.
Her early performances were brilliant. There was a slurred and garbled Hallelujah during Bootcamp. There was an audition laden with pleasant wailing. There was an acoustic U2 cover. There was Blondie. Like I said, brilliant. Her voice wasn’t great technically but she got away with it when it was matched with more unusual material.
Then, she came back from sick leave as the Queen of Radio 2. Dido, Coldplay, old man-era Take That. It was lifeless. She was given short shrift and came fourth.
Diana was a huge disappointment to me. I was backing her to win even though there were (or perhaps, mainly because there were) news stories about how big a dick she was. Still, she comes third on my rank because there were some wonderful moments. And because bad Diana is better than good JLS. Blood.
Best Thex Factor Moment: Disco week of course. We saw her pants. They were black.
4. AUSTIN – ‘I Don’t Wanna Cry No More’
Austin’s VTs were a pleasure to watch. He’d started the show off as a big, wet Jessie and it was very unseemly and unmanly. But his live show VTs had him a big, butch cheeky chappy. I like that accent you see. It does strange things to me. Strange, wonderful and terrible things.
Austin’s performances were strong, if unspectacular. He only got to do a few. He was excellent at Simon’s fake house. His Billie Jean was the best on Michael Jackson night, with its masculine pleasant wailing. That said, his vocals were timid as a rule and he looked like he could eat more and go to the gym less.
I thought it was a travesty that Austin was eliminated over that dreadful, angry woman. My Dad thought so too. I liked Austin and it was a shame we didn’t get to see more of him. Wink wink. Know what I mean?
Best Thex Factor moment: when his Dad dissed his performance on Big Band week. It revealed so much about his homelife. I can’t help but feel if his father were more supportive, Austin wouldn’t be such a desperate fool.
5. LAURA / THE FAT GIRL – ‘Get yourself to the Butterfly lounge, grab yourself a big lady’
Laura’s VTs were annoying because Laura was a shy, shy bitch. A rare highlight was when her parents made fun of her for being a shy, shy bitch. Another highlight was when Laura was angry because the judges didn’t say she was the best one week.
Her performances were patchy and it was entirely her fault. She had two ways of singing: one was to affect an Amy Winehouse voice, say shooby-de-doo and whine unpleasantly. The other way was to shout, which could be powerful, mannish or painful. Some weeks, such as Big Band week, these two methods were both utilised and the results were impressive. Some weeks, such as Mariah week, it was clear she had two basic moves which were crap on their own and awful when combined.
She looked like a pig and sang like a rat. I was glad she went. She was dreadful on Mariah night and her companion in the bottom two that week was beautiful, Spanish and sang better. I got very fed up about the SHOCK ELIMINATION stuff. It wasn’t shocking. She wasn’t very good.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when she got eliminated and looked very angry. Ha! She thought she was going to win because her boyfriend was an employee. I bet she’s still comfort eating now.
6. SCOTT – ‘I’m not here to say I’m sorry, I’m not here to lie to you.’
Scott’s VT had the added bonus of him being very good-looking. Few VTs had this added bonus so well done him. Sadly, there was no mention of Scott drinking in Shayne Ward’s pub. You had to read the local press for these pieces of celebrity gossip.
Scott’s performances weren’t that bad. He didn’t have the biggest voice but he was in tune. (There were 4 boys in JLS and they got drowned out by the backing track too so I will cut Scott a little slack.) His panned Yeh Yeh on week one I thought was quite groovy. Mainly because it had the word groovy in it.
Ultimately, Scott should have been six years older because he could have done well on Pop Idol. They didn’t have to sing so well on that show. (Seriously, watch Cheryl Cole or any of the ‘talented’ Pop Idol people on YouTube. They do not sound good.) I’m not sure Scott could have done much better if he’d stuck around but he was less annoying than the others. Hence, he lands in the top half of the rankings.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he landed in the bottom two and shook his head a lot. One of Scott’s most entertaining traits was his angry stinkface. There was always that lingering possibility that he would attack one of the judges. Louis, if Scott invites you to Shayne Ward’s pub for a drink, just say no. It’s a ruse. He wants you to glass you!
7. EOGHAN / QUIGLET – ‘I’m gonna be a mighty king so enemies beware’
Eoghan’s VTs showed him being as equally ruddy as Diana. He had a ‘fresh from a wank’ face every week. He had an ‘I’m so helpless’ face every week too. I really disliked him. His VTs also showed his new baby sister, his impossibly cute siblings and his scaryass father. He’s very well-trained and said all the clichés in a soft, Granny-baiting voice.
To his credit, his performances weren’t that bad every week. That’s why I’ve had to put my hatred of him aside and objectively ranked him so high. His Imagine was restrained and expressive. His Mariah week performance was strong and impressive. The rest were poorly-sung or barely-sung but having 2 good ones in a series puts him above the likes of JLS and Rachel.
It’s a great relief to me that he didn’t win. It’s also a surprise as he spent most of the series as a lot more popular than the eventual winner. I got quite irate by how sexless and wet the producers tried to make him every week. I know it’s a family show but if Alex and Ruth were allowed to whore around, why did they have to make the teenage boy into a eunuch? I’m not sure he’ll have much of a career as the other cute, child-friendly acts from this show (Ray, Same Difference) haven’t performed so well.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When he changed the lyrics to Busted to make them less raunchy. Pansy.
8. JLS / JACK THE LAD SWING – ‘I show no love for homo thugs’
JLS’s VTs had them using all the latest street slang. And wearing colour co-ordinated oufits. One wore blue, another green, another yellow and another red, I think. This got old very quick.
JLS’s performances were generally poor. Three either couldn’t sing so well or weren’t allowed to. The little one had some tricks for the climaxes of the songs – his moody growling was one of the highlights of some shows – but generally, his voice too sounded weak and thin. Their lifeless cover of Hallelujah might have been their best. They were dated and lame and those stupid outfits annoyed me.
Their coming second was bizarre and unpleasant but at least they didn’t win. And they did show some improvement vocal-wise so I guess it’s good they stuck around and got that chance to shine, however weakly and wanly.
Best Thex Factor Moment: when one of their mums said ‘we’re so proud of you.’ And her son replied ‘me too.’
9. DANIEL/DEADWIFE – ‘This is for my peoples who have lost somebody’
DEADWIFE’S VTs made many references to him having a dead wife. There were also many references to how the male judges hated him. In fact, this sort of replaced the whole ‘dead wife’ saga as his new sob story. Because Louis calling you Ricky Gervais is clearly the bigger tragedy.
His performances were weak but not always the worst. His Mariah week soft rock attempt was pleasant. His Michael Jackson week soft balladry was well-sung. His uptempo numbers were dreadful mainly because his voice had little to recommend it. He couldn’t wail or growl or belt or do any tricks. Nor could he sing with subtlety or sincerity. I’m not sure what that leaves him with. He was a pub singer.
He went at about the right time, just long enough to annoy people and allow for some SHOCK ELIMINATIONS, but not long enough that it really took the piss. I think Dannii did well to get him that far. He seemed alright as a person.
Best Thex Factor Moment: the shameless song he did for his dead wife, which reduced Louis Walsh to tears. Fag.
10. GIRL BAND – ‘No, no, no, no, no’
On their VTs, they were all completely different weights and it made for confusing viewing. I thought girls were only meant to have one fat friend as security and the rest should all be about the same size. I’m sure that’s the rule.
Their performances were shit. They were odd-looking girls doing karaoke.
They are the higher-placed girl band because they were lame in a more hilarious way. Like when they did Heal The World because they loved its message. Or when they called themselves Girl Band because they were a girl band.
Best Thex Factor Moment: all the hand-holding during That’s What Friends Are For.
11. BAD LASHES – ‘Stupid girls, stupid girls, stupid girls’
Did Bad Lashes even get a VT? They were only on for one week and I remember nothing about it. I remember none of their names either. I just know they had badly bleached hair.
Their performances were not great. They did the love song from Pretty Woman and their voices were very thin. It wasn’t terrible though. They did a bizarre cover of Wonderwall when in the bottom two, which was meant to be Ryan Adams’s arrangement. Really? His version had no tuneless shrieking. How can this be the same arrangement?
They left first and I didn’t really care. I was too enamoured with Diana at that stage. It’s funny how things change.
Best Thex Factor Moment: When they said Wonderwall was by Ryan Adams during the Judges’ Homes bit. They lasted only one live show and managed to upset a Gallagher!
12. RACHEL – ‘I hate you so much right now, I hate you so much right now, agh’
Rachel’s VTs showed her being terrifying. Scott’s stinkface paled in comparison to this woman’s permascowl. One week, Louis said she had ‘no likability.’ Ha! We saw her with the kids that weren’t taken off her. We saw her having a series of tantrums about Dannii’s song choices. We saw her being arrogant and ungracious and unpleasant.
Her performances were dire. She was impressive on Big Band week in parts but even then her voice was ugly, angry and unlikable. She dressed bizarrely and generally looked like a dyke with a record. Her Rule The World was the worst of the series. Her Against All Odds was painful. Her attempts to dance or be charming were embarrassing. Her nasal, foghorn voice came back to me when I thought back. It’s made my nose run more and it’s made me want 4 o’clock to come sooner so I can have more paracetamol.
She lasted a few weeks longer than she should have. She never got a chance to redeem herself. It’s a shame she was saved in the place of Austin who had more potential. It’s a shame she was put through to the live rounds. It’s a shame I was so committed to this blog and hence couldn’t mute her.
Best Thex Factor Moment: ‘There’s no likability.’ To repeat: Ha!
In other news, my parents have coped with the end of the X Factor very well. My Mum is getting the Rhydian album for Christmas. My Dad still speaks of the JLS-loving Nun.
Merry Christmas to them and to you all. Thex Factor will live on.
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Recaplet - The Show Must Go On
Yes, well, The X Factor is finished. And I still haven't done my end-of-series recap.
But I thought I'd get away with this little recaplet: 'Only a fool would question how beautiful and Spanish Beautiful, Spanish Ruth was.'
But I thought I'd get away with this little recaplet: 'Only a fool would question how beautiful and Spanish Beautiful, Spanish Ruth was.'
Friday, 19 December 2008
Be Inspired
I know the end of The X Factor has left us all a bit down in the dumps. It's made some people act out. I've not been myself.
I've written this inspirational piece. It is not about The X Factor. I hope it helps.
I've written this inspirational piece. It is not about The X Factor. I hope it helps.
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Thex Factor 9 – Love Is Not A Victory March
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. It is the final
The judges are happier on final night and are full of praise for the contestants. They are also nicer to each other. It is heartwarming. There are also endless montages. It makes me think of that ‘montage, montage’ song from Team America. There are also fans in the contestants’ home towns which we’re linked to via satellite. So we’re shown a different bit of London. Twice. Why not just have those fans in the next room so Dermot can open the door on them every so often? It would have saved a lot of money.
2. There were celebrity guests.
Many, many celebrity guests. It was good. Westlife came out of their two-year retirement to crowd the stage with JLS. The gay one has put on a lot of weight and lost a fair bit of singing ability. More on that later. Boyzone’s cameo was much like Take That’s cameo from two years ago, only less good. I suppose that’s par for the course.
3. Beyonce was ace
She sang with Alex and, as reward, she got to sing during the results show too. She tried to be Tina Turner. Without the domestic abuse. The afro-wearing, lady rock guitarists tickled me and will continue to do so for many weeks. She did some sort of exciting rock remix of ‘If I Were A Boy’ and stomped around a lot, wailing very pleasantly. In fact, it was the very height of pleasant wailing. Alexandra – take note. Also, her eyebrows were expressive but controlled. Eoghan – take note. Also, she shags a gangsta rapper. JLS – take note.
4. The bad auditionees sing again
It was five years’ worth of the worst we’re told. I can’t even remember what song they did. They’re not well some of them. I didn’t enjoy this.
5. There was a group sing
I suppose we had to see the losers’ faces too. Dermot quite rudely talks over the beginning of it so we miss Austin’s lines. Ha! The fat girl looks dreadful and sounds not much better. Rachel sounds pretty good and then you can’t hear anyone else too clearly. It sounds a bit like a ‘round’ you’d sing in Primary School assembly or on the coach to Styal Mill. To repeat for emphasis, Rachel sounds pretty good.
6. People covered Hallelujah.
I got over it. I think we all should.
On with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’
Alex performed last out of the three. She was the best each time. We see a VT of a VG audition. There is weeping and she says she ‘literally cannot believe it.’ We see her being interviewed by Jamie Theakston. He looks very old. It makes feel both young (by comparison) and old (because if he’s aged, I must have too). We see Alex’s trip to meet her fans back home. She appears to have fewer of them than the boys. I write down ‘stop saying literally.’
She sings Silent Night and is in a different league. She’s singing well and there are no plastic reindeers on the stage. It’s all very understated. Cheryl weeps during the song. I like carols and I like runs so I was very pleased when Silent Night became a carol with runs. Just like Mariah done! Hurrah! There is a high note that is just okay and very unnecessary. Leave that to Leona, Alex. You stick to the tranny wailing. You’re good at that.
Simon says it was outstandingly good and speaks of Alex being nice. Dannii speaks of shallow pleasures and calls her a ‘superstar songstress.’ Cheryl weeps.
Kym Marsh from Hear’Say is the one interviewing Alex’s fans. This is a bad choice. Unless it’s meant to be inspirational to show Alex that she’ll get a bit of work after her post-show pop career fails? Was that the intention? There is a little boy in a rugby uniform there. There is a girl who claims to be Alex’s best friend but who was transparently not given real tickets for the final. There are so many mysteries here.
Alex next has her celebrity duet with Beyonce. She sounds scarily good but is too drag for me to take. She has Cher hair. She has a slit, spangly dress. It’s all gone a bit too ‘The XY chromosome factor.’
Beyonce looks better and very feminine. Alexandra weeps and spasms when Beyonce sings. Then there is diva SHOUTING. It is only now that I forget about Alex being ace and miss Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Beyonce says ‘sing it girl’ and Alex does a big run. I love how Beyonce gives permission to sing. We’re getting a fascinating insight into how life in Destiny’s Child would have been.
There is post-performance hugging. Beyonce did not give permission for that. Beyonce looks uncomfortable but tries to be friendly. Alex looks like a scary fangirl and tries to be little else. Mariah really got off easy. When Dermot reads out the voting numbers, Beyonce points and mouths to someone ‘she is great.’ Or ‘she is dead.’ It’s unclear which.
Alex’s third performance was a repeat of You Are So Beautiful from a few weeks back. I refuse to believe this was her best performance. It was a little dull then. It is a little dull now. I suppose it’s a contrast from the shouting of Listen but still – meh. I think I preferred JLS’s ridiculous corpse ballad more. Again, there’s a silly high note. Leon pulled this shit last year too. And he was worse because he was a boy who wasn’t so much about the singing.
Simon says a star has been born. Just because she’s repeating a song doesn’t mean he gets to repeat his judging comments. That record’s been played, Cowell. Cheryl calls this the most special night of her life. Attention seeker. Alex mouths I love you to Cheryl. Oh get a room.
After the problem called Eoghan is solved, we get the covers of Hallelujah. Alex does Diana hand gestures. Ha! That is such a diss. This is the absolute pinnacle of non-aggressive meanness. I am blown away. Those Will Young masterclasses were a gift that kept giving.
As with JLS, there is a big old choir who hold out their hands in some vaguely religious way. I wish they had stigmata make up. Alex seems to have a seizure for her final verse and the pleasant wailing becomes terrifying. There’s also Beautiful Spanish Ruth-style body heaving. I make few notes and simply enjoy.
Now, there’s a lot of whingeing about the whole covering Hallelujah thing. Luckily, I’ve been invited to join no facebook groups on this issue. I sort of sympathise but I have several points to make:
1. The version ‘people’ like is a cover anyway
2. This version begins with the lo-fi Jeff Buckley bits and ends with ridiculous, religious Leonard Cohen bits. It’s a hybrid version of two arrangements and so it is worth considering as an experiment if little else
3. It’s an X Factor single that’s not about odds, goals, miracles or moments like theeze. This is surely a good thing.
4. I like the Cohen, Buckley and Burke versions. They are all different.
5. I don’t care enough about Jeff Buckley to get upset. I was a student for four years and I never felt the need to buy Grace to feel normal
Before the winner is announced, Alex gets two montages compared to the JLS boys’ one. Ha! One montage is of very good performances, slutty outfits, tranny outfits and scary fangirl business with Mariah. The other is of loving messages from her family.
She wins and I write ‘good.’ There is weeping and more seizures. She can’t breathe and a trantastic panic attack seems inevitable. She can say the names of the judges but little else. Cheryl lifts Alex’s arm and shouts ‘woo’ in lieu of real words.
Alex stops crying enough to sing. Almost. Her cheeks are coated jet with streaming eye make up. (Leona and Shayne managed to weep but still sing words and notes. Man up, Burke.) The first chorus is mainly weeping but after that it’s runs, runs, runs.
Simon and Cheryl slow-dance and beam with pride. Dannii and Louis refuse to touch. Cheryl and Dannii hug and we sadly only see it in silhouette. Simon thanks everyone who’s watched and written about the X Factor. No, Simon, thank you. You are my backbone.
2. JLS – ‘Silver bells, silver bells’
Louis says JLS create a buzz everywhere they go. I don’t doubt this, but only if ‘create a buzz’ means ‘spread a rash.’ The little one goes back to his school and says this trip is very different. Possibly because no one’s beating him up. His mum weeps and says she’s very proud. I think if I joined JLS my parents would be very disappointed. Parents differ.
They cover Wham. Blood. The backing track is so cheap. I think the music’s coming from a ‘My First Keyboard’ toy. There are lyric fumbles, a weak key change and bad runs. There are white suits.
Dannii says it’s her favourite Christmas song. Not Kylie’s Santa Baby? There’s no familial loyalty with some people. The judges have good wishes – possibly because it’s almost Christmas – but no effusive praise. Louis does the Obama quote again and has a teddy bear wearing a hooded top.
Jade Goody’s ex is with the JLS fans in some concert hall. There is a nun who shouts ‘we love JLS.’ She can’t clap straight. I’m reluctant to make fun of her further.
JLS sing Flying without Wings with Westlife. There are eight people on stage. It is very crowded. I don’t know if the floor can take that much 8-way boyband action. I know I can’t.
JLS sound not bad. I’m not ‘giving mad props’ but they do well. The little one from JLS sings his lyrics AT the potato-looking one from Westlife. They embrace and sing I love you to another. Sweet Lord. This is Louis Walsh’s doing. Then – Ha! The gay one from Westlife messes up the difficult note. They are outsung by JLS! Make that 2-year retirement permanent.
Dermot describes the performance as full of ‘manlove.’ This is what my RS teacher used to call sodomy to be politically correct, fact fans.
They re-sing their cover of Westlife’s cover of that song about being a corpse in love. It’s called I’m Already There. Did they only sing this last week? I think so. Anyway, it sounds better this time, possibly because I had faith they wouldn’t win to keep me calm. It also didn’t bother me too much that they did two Westlife covers in one night. One of the ones who doesn’t sing has a very lumpy face, like a boxer. I’d never noticed this before. The little one wails: quite girlishly, but not unpleasantly. This is progress.
Dannii is full of praise for the little one. The other judges are at least polite enough to acknowledge there were four people on stage. Cheryl compares them to Take That, which is a less offensive comparison than to the Beatles. Dannii hands Louis a tissue. Ha! They all think he’s a big fairy. A man from the audience shouts ‘we love you.’ The mind boggles.
JLS’s version of Hallelujah is not very good. I think all these ‘ohmygod you can’t cover geoff buckley’ idiots should be very grateful that it’s Alex’s version on the airwaves and not this. Their vocals are very thin for the lo-fi bits. The moody growling redeems the second half. The little one sounds pretty good. There are ‘no, no, no, no, no’ bits. There is a choir, a key change and sleigh bells. It is possibly their best performance. God, they’ve been shit then.
3. EOGHAN – ‘But someone always gets there first’
As you can see, my rankings for this week match up with the official, final positions. I suppose I should feel pretty happy with the result. But my love for Beautiful Spanish Ruth makes this difficult. I wonder if I wrote to her whether she’d be my friend.
Eoghan’s VT frames his very weak voice. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he says. ‘I’m in the final.’ It is pretty unbelievable that his ability got him this far. He was good twice. His trip home has him standing on top of a car, with a microphone. We also see his baby sister and his scary father.
He sings Wizzard and his eyebrows are fucked. His singing is fucked too. It is very karaoke, and not even good karaoke where the singer’s committing to the moment (of a being an idiot.) Also, there are plastic reindeer and yet another children’s choir. Who then WRESTLE HIM TO THE FLOOR! He falls so easily. It’s perhaps the biggest ‘wtf’ moment of the series. Well, that or ‘I thought you liked bulls Simon.’
The judges are positive but not effusive. For example, Dannii says how much she likes his squealing fans. That’s loose praise. Cheryl says ‘every 16 year-old would want to be what you’re doing.’ That’s loose grammar. She also says he’s a great role model. Because he doesn’t attack bathroom attendants. There’d never be any doubt that Eoghan was going to pay for those lollipops.
Eoghan says he ‘loves everybody’ in Ireland. Tramp.
Eoghan then sings Picture of You with Boyzone. He really drew the short straw, didn’t he? This song is off the Bean soundtrack, fact fans. He’s so cruise ship. And his suit was bought in a kid’s department. Eat something, boy.
Ronan’s voice is more annoying than I remember it being. At least I have no expectations before Eoghan sings. Quigg 1 Keating 0. Ronan’s also not wearing black like the rest of the performers. Diva.
There is a standing ovation. For Boyzone, let’s assume. Ronan likes Eoghan’s ‘confidence.’ Westlife and Beyonce at least praised their collaborators’ vocals in some way. It’s all I’m saying. Eoghan does his Churchill dog grin again to court votes. I hate his face.
Before Eoghan’s final performance, Simon introduces him by talking about how much he liked Alex’s last performance. That’s just mean. It’s good that Simon’s never had children. ‘I love you son but the girl in your CDT lessons is by any standard worldclass.’ I feel bad for Eoghan.
Eoghan’s repeat performance of is that High School Musical thing. Wildcats everywhere. You know the one. There is no singing that can be heard. His jacket is fetching though. I want it. It would be good for costume parties. Particularly a Tarts, Vicars and Eunuchs one.
Louis compares Eoghan to Fed-Ex again. I don’t like how they’re repeating their quips. Cheryl says it was ‘one of my most memorable performances for you.’ She’s such a nob. Why can’t she talk properly? Simon says he thinks Eoghan’ll make the finals. Erm – he’s already there? So yes, that’s right. Simon is always right.
Eoghan’s elimination was a relief. And a surprise – I’m led to believe he led the voting most weeks. He looks very happy when he’s voted off and has a can-do ‘everyone’s a winner’ attitude. Then he weeps when he’s shown a montage of his best bits. Perhaps he remembered when they cut it off during boot camp?
He sees a producer in a hood in a wood. He hears a twig snap. Then everything went dark.
In other news, it’s all over.
There are some certainties. My Dad liked the JLS-loving nun. Hallelujah will doubtless be #1. Eoghan and JLS will doubtless get record deals too.
There are some questions left though. Will Diana be the first non-finalist to have real money spent on her? Will Beautiful Spanish Ruth become the new Shakira? And what will happen to Thex Factor?
To answer the last question, there will be a special end-of-year recap where I attempt to rank all 12 contestants. After that, every time I see a picture where Alexandra looks like Alexander I will gladly make fun of it. I’m glad she won – the tranny stuff was all in good spirits.
1. It is the final
The judges are happier on final night and are full of praise for the contestants. They are also nicer to each other. It is heartwarming. There are also endless montages. It makes me think of that ‘montage, montage’ song from Team America. There are also fans in the contestants’ home towns which we’re linked to via satellite. So we’re shown a different bit of London. Twice. Why not just have those fans in the next room so Dermot can open the door on them every so often? It would have saved a lot of money.
2. There were celebrity guests.
Many, many celebrity guests. It was good. Westlife came out of their two-year retirement to crowd the stage with JLS. The gay one has put on a lot of weight and lost a fair bit of singing ability. More on that later. Boyzone’s cameo was much like Take That’s cameo from two years ago, only less good. I suppose that’s par for the course.
3. Beyonce was ace
She sang with Alex and, as reward, she got to sing during the results show too. She tried to be Tina Turner. Without the domestic abuse. The afro-wearing, lady rock guitarists tickled me and will continue to do so for many weeks. She did some sort of exciting rock remix of ‘If I Were A Boy’ and stomped around a lot, wailing very pleasantly. In fact, it was the very height of pleasant wailing. Alexandra – take note. Also, her eyebrows were expressive but controlled. Eoghan – take note. Also, she shags a gangsta rapper. JLS – take note.
4. The bad auditionees sing again
It was five years’ worth of the worst we’re told. I can’t even remember what song they did. They’re not well some of them. I didn’t enjoy this.
5. There was a group sing
I suppose we had to see the losers’ faces too. Dermot quite rudely talks over the beginning of it so we miss Austin’s lines. Ha! The fat girl looks dreadful and sounds not much better. Rachel sounds pretty good and then you can’t hear anyone else too clearly. It sounds a bit like a ‘round’ you’d sing in Primary School assembly or on the coach to Styal Mill. To repeat for emphasis, Rachel sounds pretty good.
6. People covered Hallelujah.
I got over it. I think we all should.
On with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this’
Alex performed last out of the three. She was the best each time. We see a VT of a VG audition. There is weeping and she says she ‘literally cannot believe it.’ We see her being interviewed by Jamie Theakston. He looks very old. It makes feel both young (by comparison) and old (because if he’s aged, I must have too). We see Alex’s trip to meet her fans back home. She appears to have fewer of them than the boys. I write down ‘stop saying literally.’
She sings Silent Night and is in a different league. She’s singing well and there are no plastic reindeers on the stage. It’s all very understated. Cheryl weeps during the song. I like carols and I like runs so I was very pleased when Silent Night became a carol with runs. Just like Mariah done! Hurrah! There is a high note that is just okay and very unnecessary. Leave that to Leona, Alex. You stick to the tranny wailing. You’re good at that.
Simon says it was outstandingly good and speaks of Alex being nice. Dannii speaks of shallow pleasures and calls her a ‘superstar songstress.’ Cheryl weeps.
Kym Marsh from Hear’Say is the one interviewing Alex’s fans. This is a bad choice. Unless it’s meant to be inspirational to show Alex that she’ll get a bit of work after her post-show pop career fails? Was that the intention? There is a little boy in a rugby uniform there. There is a girl who claims to be Alex’s best friend but who was transparently not given real tickets for the final. There are so many mysteries here.
Alex next has her celebrity duet with Beyonce. She sounds scarily good but is too drag for me to take. She has Cher hair. She has a slit, spangly dress. It’s all gone a bit too ‘The XY chromosome factor.’
Beyonce looks better and very feminine. Alexandra weeps and spasms when Beyonce sings. Then there is diva SHOUTING. It is only now that I forget about Alex being ace and miss Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Beyonce says ‘sing it girl’ and Alex does a big run. I love how Beyonce gives permission to sing. We’re getting a fascinating insight into how life in Destiny’s Child would have been.
There is post-performance hugging. Beyonce did not give permission for that. Beyonce looks uncomfortable but tries to be friendly. Alex looks like a scary fangirl and tries to be little else. Mariah really got off easy. When Dermot reads out the voting numbers, Beyonce points and mouths to someone ‘she is great.’ Or ‘she is dead.’ It’s unclear which.
Alex’s third performance was a repeat of You Are So Beautiful from a few weeks back. I refuse to believe this was her best performance. It was a little dull then. It is a little dull now. I suppose it’s a contrast from the shouting of Listen but still – meh. I think I preferred JLS’s ridiculous corpse ballad more. Again, there’s a silly high note. Leon pulled this shit last year too. And he was worse because he was a boy who wasn’t so much about the singing.
Simon says a star has been born. Just because she’s repeating a song doesn’t mean he gets to repeat his judging comments. That record’s been played, Cowell. Cheryl calls this the most special night of her life. Attention seeker. Alex mouths I love you to Cheryl. Oh get a room.
After the problem called Eoghan is solved, we get the covers of Hallelujah. Alex does Diana hand gestures. Ha! That is such a diss. This is the absolute pinnacle of non-aggressive meanness. I am blown away. Those Will Young masterclasses were a gift that kept giving.
As with JLS, there is a big old choir who hold out their hands in some vaguely religious way. I wish they had stigmata make up. Alex seems to have a seizure for her final verse and the pleasant wailing becomes terrifying. There’s also Beautiful Spanish Ruth-style body heaving. I make few notes and simply enjoy.
Now, there’s a lot of whingeing about the whole covering Hallelujah thing. Luckily, I’ve been invited to join no facebook groups on this issue. I sort of sympathise but I have several points to make:
1. The version ‘people’ like is a cover anyway
2. This version begins with the lo-fi Jeff Buckley bits and ends with ridiculous, religious Leonard Cohen bits. It’s a hybrid version of two arrangements and so it is worth considering as an experiment if little else
3. It’s an X Factor single that’s not about odds, goals, miracles or moments like theeze. This is surely a good thing.
4. I like the Cohen, Buckley and Burke versions. They are all different.
5. I don’t care enough about Jeff Buckley to get upset. I was a student for four years and I never felt the need to buy Grace to feel normal
Before the winner is announced, Alex gets two montages compared to the JLS boys’ one. Ha! One montage is of very good performances, slutty outfits, tranny outfits and scary fangirl business with Mariah. The other is of loving messages from her family.
She wins and I write ‘good.’ There is weeping and more seizures. She can’t breathe and a trantastic panic attack seems inevitable. She can say the names of the judges but little else. Cheryl lifts Alex’s arm and shouts ‘woo’ in lieu of real words.
Alex stops crying enough to sing. Almost. Her cheeks are coated jet with streaming eye make up. (Leona and Shayne managed to weep but still sing words and notes. Man up, Burke.) The first chorus is mainly weeping but after that it’s runs, runs, runs.
Simon and Cheryl slow-dance and beam with pride. Dannii and Louis refuse to touch. Cheryl and Dannii hug and we sadly only see it in silhouette. Simon thanks everyone who’s watched and written about the X Factor. No, Simon, thank you. You are my backbone.
2. JLS – ‘Silver bells, silver bells’
Louis says JLS create a buzz everywhere they go. I don’t doubt this, but only if ‘create a buzz’ means ‘spread a rash.’ The little one goes back to his school and says this trip is very different. Possibly because no one’s beating him up. His mum weeps and says she’s very proud. I think if I joined JLS my parents would be very disappointed. Parents differ.
They cover Wham. Blood. The backing track is so cheap. I think the music’s coming from a ‘My First Keyboard’ toy. There are lyric fumbles, a weak key change and bad runs. There are white suits.
Dannii says it’s her favourite Christmas song. Not Kylie’s Santa Baby? There’s no familial loyalty with some people. The judges have good wishes – possibly because it’s almost Christmas – but no effusive praise. Louis does the Obama quote again and has a teddy bear wearing a hooded top.
Jade Goody’s ex is with the JLS fans in some concert hall. There is a nun who shouts ‘we love JLS.’ She can’t clap straight. I’m reluctant to make fun of her further.
JLS sing Flying without Wings with Westlife. There are eight people on stage. It is very crowded. I don’t know if the floor can take that much 8-way boyband action. I know I can’t.
JLS sound not bad. I’m not ‘giving mad props’ but they do well. The little one from JLS sings his lyrics AT the potato-looking one from Westlife. They embrace and sing I love you to another. Sweet Lord. This is Louis Walsh’s doing. Then – Ha! The gay one from Westlife messes up the difficult note. They are outsung by JLS! Make that 2-year retirement permanent.
Dermot describes the performance as full of ‘manlove.’ This is what my RS teacher used to call sodomy to be politically correct, fact fans.
They re-sing their cover of Westlife’s cover of that song about being a corpse in love. It’s called I’m Already There. Did they only sing this last week? I think so. Anyway, it sounds better this time, possibly because I had faith they wouldn’t win to keep me calm. It also didn’t bother me too much that they did two Westlife covers in one night. One of the ones who doesn’t sing has a very lumpy face, like a boxer. I’d never noticed this before. The little one wails: quite girlishly, but not unpleasantly. This is progress.
Dannii is full of praise for the little one. The other judges are at least polite enough to acknowledge there were four people on stage. Cheryl compares them to Take That, which is a less offensive comparison than to the Beatles. Dannii hands Louis a tissue. Ha! They all think he’s a big fairy. A man from the audience shouts ‘we love you.’ The mind boggles.
JLS’s version of Hallelujah is not very good. I think all these ‘ohmygod you can’t cover geoff buckley’ idiots should be very grateful that it’s Alex’s version on the airwaves and not this. Their vocals are very thin for the lo-fi bits. The moody growling redeems the second half. The little one sounds pretty good. There are ‘no, no, no, no, no’ bits. There is a choir, a key change and sleigh bells. It is possibly their best performance. God, they’ve been shit then.
3. EOGHAN – ‘But someone always gets there first’
As you can see, my rankings for this week match up with the official, final positions. I suppose I should feel pretty happy with the result. But my love for Beautiful Spanish Ruth makes this difficult. I wonder if I wrote to her whether she’d be my friend.
Eoghan’s VT frames his very weak voice. ‘I can’t believe it,’ he says. ‘I’m in the final.’ It is pretty unbelievable that his ability got him this far. He was good twice. His trip home has him standing on top of a car, with a microphone. We also see his baby sister and his scary father.
He sings Wizzard and his eyebrows are fucked. His singing is fucked too. It is very karaoke, and not even good karaoke where the singer’s committing to the moment (of a being an idiot.) Also, there are plastic reindeer and yet another children’s choir. Who then WRESTLE HIM TO THE FLOOR! He falls so easily. It’s perhaps the biggest ‘wtf’ moment of the series. Well, that or ‘I thought you liked bulls Simon.’
The judges are positive but not effusive. For example, Dannii says how much she likes his squealing fans. That’s loose praise. Cheryl says ‘every 16 year-old would want to be what you’re doing.’ That’s loose grammar. She also says he’s a great role model. Because he doesn’t attack bathroom attendants. There’d never be any doubt that Eoghan was going to pay for those lollipops.
Eoghan says he ‘loves everybody’ in Ireland. Tramp.
Eoghan then sings Picture of You with Boyzone. He really drew the short straw, didn’t he? This song is off the Bean soundtrack, fact fans. He’s so cruise ship. And his suit was bought in a kid’s department. Eat something, boy.
Ronan’s voice is more annoying than I remember it being. At least I have no expectations before Eoghan sings. Quigg 1 Keating 0. Ronan’s also not wearing black like the rest of the performers. Diva.
There is a standing ovation. For Boyzone, let’s assume. Ronan likes Eoghan’s ‘confidence.’ Westlife and Beyonce at least praised their collaborators’ vocals in some way. It’s all I’m saying. Eoghan does his Churchill dog grin again to court votes. I hate his face.
Before Eoghan’s final performance, Simon introduces him by talking about how much he liked Alex’s last performance. That’s just mean. It’s good that Simon’s never had children. ‘I love you son but the girl in your CDT lessons is by any standard worldclass.’ I feel bad for Eoghan.
Eoghan’s repeat performance of is that High School Musical thing. Wildcats everywhere. You know the one. There is no singing that can be heard. His jacket is fetching though. I want it. It would be good for costume parties. Particularly a Tarts, Vicars and Eunuchs one.
Louis compares Eoghan to Fed-Ex again. I don’t like how they’re repeating their quips. Cheryl says it was ‘one of my most memorable performances for you.’ She’s such a nob. Why can’t she talk properly? Simon says he thinks Eoghan’ll make the finals. Erm – he’s already there? So yes, that’s right. Simon is always right.
Eoghan’s elimination was a relief. And a surprise – I’m led to believe he led the voting most weeks. He looks very happy when he’s voted off and has a can-do ‘everyone’s a winner’ attitude. Then he weeps when he’s shown a montage of his best bits. Perhaps he remembered when they cut it off during boot camp?
He sees a producer in a hood in a wood. He hears a twig snap. Then everything went dark.
In other news, it’s all over.
There are some certainties. My Dad liked the JLS-loving nun. Hallelujah will doubtless be #1. Eoghan and JLS will doubtless get record deals too.
There are some questions left though. Will Diana be the first non-finalist to have real money spent on her? Will Beautiful Spanish Ruth become the new Shakira? And what will happen to Thex Factor?
To answer the last question, there will be a special end-of-year recap where I attempt to rank all 12 contestants. After that, every time I see a picture where Alexandra looks like Alexander I will gladly make fun of it. I’m glad she won – the tranny stuff was all in good spirits.
Sunday, 14 December 2008
Recaplet - The Best Man Won
It was an emotional night.
Alexandra stomped around like a 'woman' possessed and won the whole thing. JLS were better than good sense would make me think possible. Eoghan was there.
Cheryl wept intermittently and touched Dannii Minogue NOT in a bathroom assault way. Louis and Simon were nice to each other.
Beyonce scared the fuck out of people. Westlife and Boyzone were there.
Alexandra stomped around like a 'woman' possessed and won the whole thing. JLS were better than good sense would make me think possible. Eoghan was there.
Cheryl wept intermittently and touched Dannii Minogue NOT in a bathroom assault way. Louis and Simon were nice to each other.
Beyonce scared the fuck out of people. Westlife and Boyzone were there.
Wednesday, 10 December 2008
Machine
Hello,
I've got a story published here. I am excited.
If Simon Cowell read previously unpublished short stories, I'm sure he'd say my piece was 'worldclass.' If Cheryl Cole read them, she would weep and look pretty. If Dannii Minogue read them, she would say nothing interesting. If Louis Walsh read them, he'd get a hard-on and suggest I dance more.
The story is not about The X Factor. Nor is the site where it's published. So the story and the site are different to this blog. Especially if different means better.
I've got a story published here. I am excited.
If Simon Cowell read previously unpublished short stories, I'm sure he'd say my piece was 'worldclass.' If Cheryl Cole read them, she would weep and look pretty. If Dannii Minogue read them, she would say nothing interesting. If Louis Walsh read them, he'd get a hard-on and suggest I dance more.
The story is not about The X Factor. Nor is the site where it's published. So the story and the site are different to this blog. Especially if different means better.
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
Thex Factor 8 – I will go down with this ship
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. It was the semi-final
And it turns out there are a finite number of ways to say that a semi-final is important. I think every contestant says at least once that ‘they have to be in the final’ or ‘that they’re so close.’ I think every judge says at least once that ‘they have to give the performance of their lives.’ Surely they have to be better on final night?
2. There’s a hole in my soul
Or at least there’s a void on the X Factor. That void has ill-fitting clothes and an ill-behaved bosom. That void is beautiful and Spanish and a little shouty. I don’t enjoy this show any more.
3. We have a guest columnist
His name is Dorian. He works with me and is a fan of celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. He dresses boldly and guest columnises just as boldy. Columnises isn’t a word according to my spellchecker. Even when I spell it as columnizes. This is a shame.
4. Il Divo were on
As they are every year. They’ve replaced Westlife on the front page of Simon’s little black book of dull celebrity guests. I don’t know any of Il Divo’s names but I could name all of Westlife. And real names too – not just ‘the gay one,’ ‘the one that looks like a potato,’ ‘the one that ran off with Delta Goodrem’ and so on.
They sing Amazing Grace with bagpipes. I suppose someone was bound to match popera with bagpipes in order to please Mail-reading housewives everywhere but why did I have to see it? Even with my penchant for old men in nice suits, Il Divo are very creepy. One has Simon’s hair. One has Dannii’s tan. It’s not the same one. If it was, I think I’d have to cut myself just a little bit.
On with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’
Which is what I’m going to do now. Alex to win!
Alexandra is embarrassed even before she gets chance to speak. The shouty intro man, who says ‘TONIGHT IT’S THE SEMI FINAL’ and ‘TONIGHT – IL DIVO’, did the foul deed. He introduced the girl’s group as ‘CHERYL AND DIANA’, showed us a long clip of Diana’s dumb red face, then went ‘AND ALEXANDRA.’ Then we saw Alex’s face but no words that I could catch. It was too mean to deserve even a typed Ha! I bet Leona Lewis had some hand in this. She must be jealous and bad sometimes.
On her VT, Simon calls her Listen one of the best X Factor performances of all time. The show’s only five years old but this is still an achievement: there have been hundreds of 90 second performances over the years after all. VT clichés include ‘it means everything,’ ‘I have to make it’, ‘wanting it my whole life’ and ‘pressure.’
She sings some up-tempo Rihanna. Alex is a better singer than Rihanna but has worse hair. The dancing is fast-paced but she’s still singing in full voice, unlike last week. There are runs and dancesteps! There’s also a lot of confetti even though the song’s about dancing in a nasty club rather than getting married.
Louis Walsh says Alex was ‘incredible’ last week and this week was just as ‘good.’ High praise, except ‘good’ isn’t as ‘good’ as ‘incredible.’ Simon must train Louis in how to be more effusive. Dannii Minogue said it was ‘fierce’ because she’s forgotten that she’s on the X Factor and is not a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model. Simon tells Cheryl to shut up. Ha! Simon also says we’ve seen the birth of a star. Or the birth of a star born in the wrong body.
[Meh. There are better Rihanna songs – Dorian]
In VT II, we learn Alex is singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by one of the tranniest singers ever to release beautiful songs. She says she wants to stay in the competition because she feels better things can be achieved with her life. This is a remarkably sensible and understated statement for this show. Alex is normal and nice without being painfully wet.
Alex sings Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton. A forgotten 90s diva is unforgotten! Hurrah! I want to see someone doing Dina Carroll next week. It has an underwhelming start as Alex’s tone is bit too girly for her and for the song. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be too husky and tranny and be accused of copying of the husky, tranny original. The end is hoarse and there is a gospel choir. The last note is ace but she chickens out of doing Toni’s series of runs. There is a standing ovation from the judges.
Louis says Alexandra is in a different league to the rest and is an incredible person. Dannii says she’s a star. Simon Cowell says she won’t go home after that performance. Cheryl Cole weeps, prays to some God and thanks Alex for being ace. Alex says Cheryl is her thuggish backbone. Then weeps. Then is asked by Dermot to speak to herself from 3 years ago. Seriously. This happened. Why would I lie?
[Alexandra’s second song was stunning. Powerful and emotional, I loved it. She really deserves to win. I see a pattern emerging though, based on this week and last.
1. open with a dancey happy number
2. follow with a big epic emotional number
3. Cheryl and Alexandra can then tell each other they are amazing and cry.
Though even I got teary over the ‘never give up on your dreams’ schtik. Roll on the finale. Alexandra to win – Dorian]
2. DIANA – ‘I-I-I keep on fallin”
Before Diana comes on, Cheryl brags about still having multiple acts. I like how she began the series as a weeping saviour-type and is ending it as a bit of a dick. The VT focuses on Diana being a fallen star. There’s a repeat of Louis saying she’s the worst girl. This was like a Ha! in flashback. Clichés included ‘the performance of her life,’ ‘it means the world’ and ‘last chance.’
She sings Avril Lavigne and has concealed, correctly-sized boobs. I miss Ruth. She changes the line ‘Hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking Princess’ to ‘I’m the one and only Princess.’ Coward! And also: Ha! Princes Diana has revealed through song that she is a big old brat backstage. The many stories are true. Diana’s strange accent works for Avril as she has a very similar strange accent. I find it odd that there haven’t been more Avril comparisons. Maybe people just really like talking about The Cranberries? Diana dances a bit tonight. Or at least bops around awkwardly and jumps and flings her arms. Her hands look less like they’re going into spasm too. I find the whole thing a bit empty.
Louis Walsh liked it and called her a rock chick and a popstar. He astutely points out that what she just did wasn’t technically dancing. Dannii compares her to Debbie Harry. There just isn’t space to go into this further. Princess Diana is happy to receive praise. She’s trying to seem less offensive.
[During all of her VTs, I can't work out why her face looks so clammy and sweaty. I actually groaned when she first started with Girlfriend, which boasted yet more ridiculous choreography from Mr. Friedman. I swear he must do his job high. I believe we saw the real Diana with that song: I can imagine her being really bitchy, snarling and stealing boyfriends. I really enjoyed it but I’m not sure Debbie Harry would be happy with Dannii's comments – Dorian]
Diana’s second VT promises weeping. Audience weeping. There’s nowhere to hide with this song we hear. She’s singing Dido. So that's Coldplay, comeback Take That, Dido. Diana is the new queen of MOR.
The start is fantastic. Dido has a weird voice too so Diana’s is not too jarring here. The quality drops when the pleasant wailing begins. This sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. She can’t do the high note and looks teary.
Louis says it was the perfect song for Diana. Because Diana is boring now too? Simon said there was no ‘big moment’ and the song wasn’t big enough for the semi-final. He said the same thing to semi-finalist Niki last year and she went home. He is always right. We learn Dido was Diana’s choice. Diana is ‘all kooky’ but loves Dido and wanted to meet Mariah Carey. She is a baffling idiot. She speaks to Dermot and she does the ‘I’m all kooky’ hand gestures that are usually reserved for her performances. To repeat: she is a baffling idiot.
Diana’s eviction is certainly dramatic. Eoghan cries like a little girl, wrapping his non-threatening arms around Diana and repeating ‘I love you so much.’ They sadly don’t pull and destroy both their careers.
She sings a repeat of White Flag but gives up before the end to have a big weep and a group hug with the finalists. Eoghan is crying in a way I’ve never seen a ‘grown-up’ cry. She’s completely surrounded by the others and so misses the fact that she’s earned a standing ovation from the judges.
Dermot tries to interview the finalists. He says ‘I’d rather not speak with Eoghan because he’s so upset.’ I’d rather not speak with Eoghan too but I’d keep quiet about that if his mentor was the one who paid me. Alex mans up enough to give Dermot a coherent answer. She says she’s grateful to be in the final but thought Diana would win. If she keeps giving well-reasoned, articulate answers it’s going to be very hard for me to make fun of her. Alex for the win.
[The second performance was spot on. I felt she got back that captivating element she had with "With or Without You" in week one. So I was SHOCKED when she went. It should have been ruddy JLS or Eoghan. I got emotional, I'm not ashamed to say. Especially when they all descended onto stage. That Eoghan was like a man possessed. I'd have been terrified if I saw his crazy, bawling babyface coming towards me. Mums will love it though. Stunts like that win votes. Alexandra should have tried crying too instead of looking stunned. Perhaps she could have tapped into the anguish of this sex tape business? – Dorian]
[Alleged sex tape business – Tim]
[Cheryl crying though was beautiful. When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she smiles when Dannii is criticised, I smile – Dorian]
3. EOGHAN – ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’
Eoghan is on first again. Simon introduces him, saying ‘Northern Ireland represent.’ Oh Simon, leave the unconvincing gangsta talk to JLS. VT Clichés included ‘I keep pinching myself’ and ‘I don’t want it to end.’
We learn Eoghan will be rockin’ out. Jesus. Brian says Eoghan was good in rehearsal but will have to be good on stage too. Oh my. Stupid comments have reached a new low. Why couldn’t they fire him completely last year, instead of just demoting him? He drains my strength.
Eoghan is singing Busted. I don’t miss Busted. They couldn’t sing too well so Eoghan’s vocal works. He has very bendy legs like a more sexless Willy Wonka. He changes the lyrics from ‘your great-great-great-granddaughter is pretty fine’ to ‘is doing fine.’ Because ‘pretty fine’ is such coarse language? Goodness’ sake, producers – just cut off his dick and be done with it.
Cheryl Cole says Eoghan should release bad rock when he’s a recording artist. Louis Walsh says Eoghan is on happy pills. Ha! Sexless Quigg takes uppers.
[He makes me angry – Dorian]
On Eoghan’s second VT, much fuss is made about Eoghan’s song choice. He’s singing his favourite ever song by the biggest group ever. It’s a bit surprising who his favourite group is apparently, for a boy of his age.
See I was thinking The Beatles would be his surprise faves, what with the best one dying before Eoghan was even born but no – Eoghan is doing Abba. He sings Does Your Mother Know and is less good than Christine Baranski. She’s ace and Eoghan is a castrated goon. That said, the singing isn’t bad and I think he’s actually singing this week rather than letting the backing track do all the work.
Louis Walsh calls him a fantastic role model. Because people with stunted growth can still be stars? Because he’s infantilised himself to make more money? Yes, cut it off, kids. Sex is shame. Be just like him. Dannii Minogue is the lone voice of reason and says it was cheesy. It is not Abba’s ‘coolest’ song.
With Dermot, there’s more talk about the big shock that Eoghan is an Abba fan. And how rare it is to be ‘a 16 year-old lad’ who likes Abba. It’s not rare if you’re a certain type of 16 year-old lad. If you’re the type who has to put it between his legs before he gets to sing. If you’re the type who weeps for a good ten minutes in front of millions when your hag gets voted off. Then it all makes too much sense.
[Simon Cowell is a genius with his grooming of Eoghan. He's nailed the little girl Disney tween market, what with High School Musical last week and tonight’s Jonas Brothers/Busted cover. Then he got the Mums on side with Does Your Mother Know. Words fail me: his favourite band Abba? Hmmmm. Nothing to do with Mamma Mia being the biggest selling DVD in England then? His voice isn’t good enough and the backing track carries him. He is consistent and he does perform well but still he has to go. If only for the fact he scares me with his weird blinking, leering thing when Dermot reads his number out – Dorian]
4. JLS – ‘Grab the weave and turns my eyes Chinese’
On their VT, JLS call their song a ‘track’. Blood. They are too gangsta for me to take. Whiteman clichés on their VT include ‘dreams coming true,’ ‘one moment’, ‘can’t take it in’, ‘it’s everything I’ve wanted since a little boy’ [sic] and that chestnut ‘pressure.’
JLS do more Rihanna. It’s Umbrella and sadly not that one about breakin’ dishes up in here all night uh-huh or that one that compares riding a car to riding a lady. The little one’s voice sounds very thin. Or little. They’re not in time. They dance around. I’m so over JLS. The little one changes the last line to ‘you can be my Cinderella’ because he thinks he’s Chris Brown. He’s not Chris Brown. Brown has 2 good songs. The little one has 0.
The judges are very positive. I thought this was so that JLS didn’t receive any pity otes but looking back I think the judges just like JLS. Blood. Simon calls Umbrella one of the most recognisable songs of all time. Yes, maybe it is. If you’re ten. If you’re older than that, you’ll probably know other famous songs. Imagine, Bohemian Rhapsody, Jailhouse Rock, Hey Jude, Dancing Queen, Bridge over Troubled Water, My Way. Simon’s hyperbole is ridiculous.
Their second VT is no better or more meaningful. There are dreams and music means everything to them and talk of a performance that is the most important performance of their lives.
The little one’s face is very odd. He looks like a melting toy frog. I don't recognise their second song until the chorus when I realise – oh, it’s that Westlife song about dead people. Deadwife never did this one. Good for him. It’s about prayers and sunshine in your hair. It’s from the perspective of a corpse. We’re seeing a very morbid yet gangsta JLS this week. Blood. I didn’t pay much attention to the singing but I can assure you it met their usual low standards.
Dannii says it was classy and beautiful. It was neither. Cheryl said it was their best ballad performance because they’ve learned how to sing. I’m so barely paraphrasing here. That is what she said – it just took her longer. Simon says they can win. Louis cries a bit for the love of JLS. But doesn’t cry as hard as he did when Ruth left or when Deadwife sang a song for his dead wife.
[Umbrella was better than it should have been, as was this. I think it was their best to date. This worried me for Diana and clearly rightly so – Dorian]
In other news, my parents aren’t going to be guest columnists as I’d hoped. They keep going out on Saturday nights instead. I thought blogs were designed to bring families together as well as to rank examples of pleasant wailing and make mean-spirited comments about fat girls and widowers. I thought wrong.
It is the final next week. I am looking forward to some oversung versions of Hallelujah. That chord won’t be so sacred after Saturday.
1. It was the semi-final
And it turns out there are a finite number of ways to say that a semi-final is important. I think every contestant says at least once that ‘they have to be in the final’ or ‘that they’re so close.’ I think every judge says at least once that ‘they have to give the performance of their lives.’ Surely they have to be better on final night?
2. There’s a hole in my soul
Or at least there’s a void on the X Factor. That void has ill-fitting clothes and an ill-behaved bosom. That void is beautiful and Spanish and a little shouty. I don’t enjoy this show any more.
3. We have a guest columnist
His name is Dorian. He works with me and is a fan of celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. He dresses boldly and guest columnises just as boldy. Columnises isn’t a word according to my spellchecker. Even when I spell it as columnizes. This is a shame.
4. Il Divo were on
As they are every year. They’ve replaced Westlife on the front page of Simon’s little black book of dull celebrity guests. I don’t know any of Il Divo’s names but I could name all of Westlife. And real names too – not just ‘the gay one,’ ‘the one that looks like a potato,’ ‘the one that ran off with Delta Goodrem’ and so on.
They sing Amazing Grace with bagpipes. I suppose someone was bound to match popera with bagpipes in order to please Mail-reading housewives everywhere but why did I have to see it? Even with my penchant for old men in nice suits, Il Divo are very creepy. One has Simon’s hair. One has Dannii’s tan. It’s not the same one. If it was, I think I’d have to cut myself just a little bit.
On with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with’
Which is what I’m going to do now. Alex to win!
Alexandra is embarrassed even before she gets chance to speak. The shouty intro man, who says ‘TONIGHT IT’S THE SEMI FINAL’ and ‘TONIGHT – IL DIVO’, did the foul deed. He introduced the girl’s group as ‘CHERYL AND DIANA’, showed us a long clip of Diana’s dumb red face, then went ‘AND ALEXANDRA.’ Then we saw Alex’s face but no words that I could catch. It was too mean to deserve even a typed Ha! I bet Leona Lewis had some hand in this. She must be jealous and bad sometimes.
On her VT, Simon calls her Listen one of the best X Factor performances of all time. The show’s only five years old but this is still an achievement: there have been hundreds of 90 second performances over the years after all. VT clichés include ‘it means everything,’ ‘I have to make it’, ‘wanting it my whole life’ and ‘pressure.’
She sings some up-tempo Rihanna. Alex is a better singer than Rihanna but has worse hair. The dancing is fast-paced but she’s still singing in full voice, unlike last week. There are runs and dancesteps! There’s also a lot of confetti even though the song’s about dancing in a nasty club rather than getting married.
Louis Walsh says Alex was ‘incredible’ last week and this week was just as ‘good.’ High praise, except ‘good’ isn’t as ‘good’ as ‘incredible.’ Simon must train Louis in how to be more effusive. Dannii Minogue said it was ‘fierce’ because she’s forgotten that she’s on the X Factor and is not a guest judge on America’s Next Top Model. Simon tells Cheryl to shut up. Ha! Simon also says we’ve seen the birth of a star. Or the birth of a star born in the wrong body.
[Meh. There are better Rihanna songs – Dorian]
In VT II, we learn Alex is singing one of the most beautiful songs ever written, by one of the tranniest singers ever to release beautiful songs. She says she wants to stay in the competition because she feels better things can be achieved with her life. This is a remarkably sensible and understated statement for this show. Alex is normal and nice without being painfully wet.
Alex sings Un-Break My Heart by Toni Braxton. A forgotten 90s diva is unforgotten! Hurrah! I want to see someone doing Dina Carroll next week. It has an underwhelming start as Alex’s tone is bit too girly for her and for the song. Perhaps she doesn’t want to be too husky and tranny and be accused of copying of the husky, tranny original. The end is hoarse and there is a gospel choir. The last note is ace but she chickens out of doing Toni’s series of runs. There is a standing ovation from the judges.
Louis says Alexandra is in a different league to the rest and is an incredible person. Dannii says she’s a star. Simon Cowell says she won’t go home after that performance. Cheryl Cole weeps, prays to some God and thanks Alex for being ace. Alex says Cheryl is her thuggish backbone. Then weeps. Then is asked by Dermot to speak to herself from 3 years ago. Seriously. This happened. Why would I lie?
[Alexandra’s second song was stunning. Powerful and emotional, I loved it. She really deserves to win. I see a pattern emerging though, based on this week and last.
1. open with a dancey happy number
2. follow with a big epic emotional number
3. Cheryl and Alexandra can then tell each other they are amazing and cry.
Though even I got teary over the ‘never give up on your dreams’ schtik. Roll on the finale. Alexandra to win – Dorian]
2. DIANA – ‘I-I-I keep on fallin”
Before Diana comes on, Cheryl brags about still having multiple acts. I like how she began the series as a weeping saviour-type and is ending it as a bit of a dick. The VT focuses on Diana being a fallen star. There’s a repeat of Louis saying she’s the worst girl. This was like a Ha! in flashback. Clichés included ‘the performance of her life,’ ‘it means the world’ and ‘last chance.’
She sings Avril Lavigne and has concealed, correctly-sized boobs. I miss Ruth. She changes the line ‘Hell yeah, I’m a motherfucking Princess’ to ‘I’m the one and only Princess.’ Coward! And also: Ha! Princes Diana has revealed through song that she is a big old brat backstage. The many stories are true. Diana’s strange accent works for Avril as she has a very similar strange accent. I find it odd that there haven’t been more Avril comparisons. Maybe people just really like talking about The Cranberries? Diana dances a bit tonight. Or at least bops around awkwardly and jumps and flings her arms. Her hands look less like they’re going into spasm too. I find the whole thing a bit empty.
Louis Walsh liked it and called her a rock chick and a popstar. He astutely points out that what she just did wasn’t technically dancing. Dannii compares her to Debbie Harry. There just isn’t space to go into this further. Princess Diana is happy to receive praise. She’s trying to seem less offensive.
[During all of her VTs, I can't work out why her face looks so clammy and sweaty. I actually groaned when she first started with Girlfriend, which boasted yet more ridiculous choreography from Mr. Friedman. I swear he must do his job high. I believe we saw the real Diana with that song: I can imagine her being really bitchy, snarling and stealing boyfriends. I really enjoyed it but I’m not sure Debbie Harry would be happy with Dannii's comments – Dorian]
Diana’s second VT promises weeping. Audience weeping. There’s nowhere to hide with this song we hear. She’s singing Dido. So that's Coldplay, comeback Take That, Dido. Diana is the new queen of MOR.
The start is fantastic. Dido has a weird voice too so Diana’s is not too jarring here. The quality drops when the pleasant wailing begins. This sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. She can’t do the high note and looks teary.
Louis says it was the perfect song for Diana. Because Diana is boring now too? Simon said there was no ‘big moment’ and the song wasn’t big enough for the semi-final. He said the same thing to semi-finalist Niki last year and she went home. He is always right. We learn Dido was Diana’s choice. Diana is ‘all kooky’ but loves Dido and wanted to meet Mariah Carey. She is a baffling idiot. She speaks to Dermot and she does the ‘I’m all kooky’ hand gestures that are usually reserved for her performances. To repeat: she is a baffling idiot.
Diana’s eviction is certainly dramatic. Eoghan cries like a little girl, wrapping his non-threatening arms around Diana and repeating ‘I love you so much.’ They sadly don’t pull and destroy both their careers.
She sings a repeat of White Flag but gives up before the end to have a big weep and a group hug with the finalists. Eoghan is crying in a way I’ve never seen a ‘grown-up’ cry. She’s completely surrounded by the others and so misses the fact that she’s earned a standing ovation from the judges.
Dermot tries to interview the finalists. He says ‘I’d rather not speak with Eoghan because he’s so upset.’ I’d rather not speak with Eoghan too but I’d keep quiet about that if his mentor was the one who paid me. Alex mans up enough to give Dermot a coherent answer. She says she’s grateful to be in the final but thought Diana would win. If she keeps giving well-reasoned, articulate answers it’s going to be very hard for me to make fun of her. Alex for the win.
[The second performance was spot on. I felt she got back that captivating element she had with "With or Without You" in week one. So I was SHOCKED when she went. It should have been ruddy JLS or Eoghan. I got emotional, I'm not ashamed to say. Especially when they all descended onto stage. That Eoghan was like a man possessed. I'd have been terrified if I saw his crazy, bawling babyface coming towards me. Mums will love it though. Stunts like that win votes. Alexandra should have tried crying too instead of looking stunned. Perhaps she could have tapped into the anguish of this sex tape business? – Dorian]
[Alleged sex tape business – Tim]
[Cheryl crying though was beautiful. When she cries, I cry. When she laughs, I laugh. When she smiles when Dannii is criticised, I smile – Dorian]
3. EOGHAN – ‘I kissed a girl and I liked it’
Eoghan is on first again. Simon introduces him, saying ‘Northern Ireland represent.’ Oh Simon, leave the unconvincing gangsta talk to JLS. VT Clichés included ‘I keep pinching myself’ and ‘I don’t want it to end.’
We learn Eoghan will be rockin’ out. Jesus. Brian says Eoghan was good in rehearsal but will have to be good on stage too. Oh my. Stupid comments have reached a new low. Why couldn’t they fire him completely last year, instead of just demoting him? He drains my strength.
Eoghan is singing Busted. I don’t miss Busted. They couldn’t sing too well so Eoghan’s vocal works. He has very bendy legs like a more sexless Willy Wonka. He changes the lyrics from ‘your great-great-great-granddaughter is pretty fine’ to ‘is doing fine.’ Because ‘pretty fine’ is such coarse language? Goodness’ sake, producers – just cut off his dick and be done with it.
Cheryl Cole says Eoghan should release bad rock when he’s a recording artist. Louis Walsh says Eoghan is on happy pills. Ha! Sexless Quigg takes uppers.
[He makes me angry – Dorian]
On Eoghan’s second VT, much fuss is made about Eoghan’s song choice. He’s singing his favourite ever song by the biggest group ever. It’s a bit surprising who his favourite group is apparently, for a boy of his age.
See I was thinking The Beatles would be his surprise faves, what with the best one dying before Eoghan was even born but no – Eoghan is doing Abba. He sings Does Your Mother Know and is less good than Christine Baranski. She’s ace and Eoghan is a castrated goon. That said, the singing isn’t bad and I think he’s actually singing this week rather than letting the backing track do all the work.
Louis Walsh calls him a fantastic role model. Because people with stunted growth can still be stars? Because he’s infantilised himself to make more money? Yes, cut it off, kids. Sex is shame. Be just like him. Dannii Minogue is the lone voice of reason and says it was cheesy. It is not Abba’s ‘coolest’ song.
With Dermot, there’s more talk about the big shock that Eoghan is an Abba fan. And how rare it is to be ‘a 16 year-old lad’ who likes Abba. It’s not rare if you’re a certain type of 16 year-old lad. If you’re the type who has to put it between his legs before he gets to sing. If you’re the type who weeps for a good ten minutes in front of millions when your hag gets voted off. Then it all makes too much sense.
[Simon Cowell is a genius with his grooming of Eoghan. He's nailed the little girl Disney tween market, what with High School Musical last week and tonight’s Jonas Brothers/Busted cover. Then he got the Mums on side with Does Your Mother Know. Words fail me: his favourite band Abba? Hmmmm. Nothing to do with Mamma Mia being the biggest selling DVD in England then? His voice isn’t good enough and the backing track carries him. He is consistent and he does perform well but still he has to go. If only for the fact he scares me with his weird blinking, leering thing when Dermot reads his number out – Dorian]
4. JLS – ‘Grab the weave and turns my eyes Chinese’
On their VT, JLS call their song a ‘track’. Blood. They are too gangsta for me to take. Whiteman clichés on their VT include ‘dreams coming true,’ ‘one moment’, ‘can’t take it in’, ‘it’s everything I’ve wanted since a little boy’ [sic] and that chestnut ‘pressure.’
JLS do more Rihanna. It’s Umbrella and sadly not that one about breakin’ dishes up in here all night uh-huh or that one that compares riding a car to riding a lady. The little one’s voice sounds very thin. Or little. They’re not in time. They dance around. I’m so over JLS. The little one changes the last line to ‘you can be my Cinderella’ because he thinks he’s Chris Brown. He’s not Chris Brown. Brown has 2 good songs. The little one has 0.
The judges are very positive. I thought this was so that JLS didn’t receive any pity otes but looking back I think the judges just like JLS. Blood. Simon calls Umbrella one of the most recognisable songs of all time. Yes, maybe it is. If you’re ten. If you’re older than that, you’ll probably know other famous songs. Imagine, Bohemian Rhapsody, Jailhouse Rock, Hey Jude, Dancing Queen, Bridge over Troubled Water, My Way. Simon’s hyperbole is ridiculous.
Their second VT is no better or more meaningful. There are dreams and music means everything to them and talk of a performance that is the most important performance of their lives.
The little one’s face is very odd. He looks like a melting toy frog. I don't recognise their second song until the chorus when I realise – oh, it’s that Westlife song about dead people. Deadwife never did this one. Good for him. It’s about prayers and sunshine in your hair. It’s from the perspective of a corpse. We’re seeing a very morbid yet gangsta JLS this week. Blood. I didn’t pay much attention to the singing but I can assure you it met their usual low standards.
Dannii says it was classy and beautiful. It was neither. Cheryl said it was their best ballad performance because they’ve learned how to sing. I’m so barely paraphrasing here. That is what she said – it just took her longer. Simon says they can win. Louis cries a bit for the love of JLS. But doesn’t cry as hard as he did when Ruth left or when Deadwife sang a song for his dead wife.
[Umbrella was better than it should have been, as was this. I think it was their best to date. This worried me for Diana and clearly rightly so – Dorian]
In other news, my parents aren’t going to be guest columnists as I’d hoped. They keep going out on Saturday nights instead. I thought blogs were designed to bring families together as well as to rank examples of pleasant wailing and make mean-spirited comments about fat girls and widowers. I thought wrong.
It is the final next week. I am looking forward to some oversung versions of Hallelujah. That chord won’t be so sacred after Saturday.
Sunday, 7 December 2008
Recaplet - The Zzz Factor
The worst show so far? Perhaps. No one was very, very good. No one was hilariously bad. Crucially, there was no Spaniard shouting and gyrating and thrusting and heaving. The best bit was a communal weeping at the end.
In brief: Diana admitted to being a 'princess' (but not a motherfucking one as the original lyrics stated.) JLS sang for dead husbands everywhere (but Deadwife was nowhere to be seen.) Alex femmed up with some Rihanna (but was still more manly than Abba-loving Eoghan.)
Full recap later in the week.
In brief: Diana admitted to being a 'princess' (but not a motherfucking one as the original lyrics stated.) JLS sang for dead husbands everywhere (but Deadwife was nowhere to be seen.) Alex femmed up with some Rihanna (but was still more manly than Abba-loving Eoghan.)
Full recap later in the week.
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
Thex Factor 7 – G-get it, g-get it, uh. G-get it, g-get it, woah.
These are the salient facts before we begin…
1. It is Manchester bloggers’ blog week on Thex Factor.
We have a rather astonishing 3 (but hopefully 4) guest columnists this week. I am very excited by this. 4 of us took notes en masse and ate peanuts.
Chris is a writer who blogs here and can be pre-ordered here. Enjoy this very graphic close-up of Chris’s handwriting:
Sian looks no fool below. Sian is very up-and-coming in the way that I am very up-and-coming but she doesn’t have a blog. Maybe if she tries hard in all her exams she can have one too!
Socrates has a grown-up job and blogs here. His notes will be edited in soon. Fingers crossed.
His photo below says ‘I hate The X Factor’ but it says this in a high-spirited, arty way.
Martin blogs here. He was too ill to take notes with us. As there is therefore no picture of him, below is a painfully arty shot of my note-taking:
2. It is also Britney Spears week
This is clearly less exciting than the fact that it’s Manchester bloggers’ blog week but it is still a salient fact.
During the results, Britney mimes Womanizer and dances rather sluggishly but she doesn’t look drunk or fat so I guess we’re still calling this a comeback. She sadly doesn’t sing her new song where she spells out ‘Fuck Me.’ It's called ‘If U Seek Amy.’ It's ace.
Britney is not the only guest. Miley Cyrus does a Diet Alanis song and also is probably not singing live. It’s not great and it’s shoved at the end of the performances which makes it feel yet more disposable.
[Cyrus is prone to the same mispronunciation as Diana. She buys all her clothes in the Arndale Centre's no-name shops. Rock! - Sian]
[I kind of hope she walks into one of the pyrotechnics. She has a strange voice and can't seem to keep still. What is she getting all excited about? – Chris]
3. There were adverts.
These adverts were more entertaining than some of the performances. As is my understanding: Pizza Hut now sell Pasta, Argos sell Christmas gifts and many artists have albums out now.
4. It is a sad day.
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth is off. Lorenzo, Lorenzo will dance no more. Or rub her hair. Or hike up her skirt. Or weep beautiful, Spanish tears. Or shout. Or sit on her Mamma’s scarf.
Making things worse, there’s still that rumour lingering that Beyonce’s going to appear on the final, duetting with one of the finalists. We’ll never get to see Beyonce and Ruth doing Beautiful Liar together. Beyonce, Beyonce. Lorenzo, Lorenzo. It would have been brilliant. Though Alex doing If I Were A Boy will still be fun. It’s not a big ‘If’ after all.
This is the first elimination that made me sad. Well, unhappy sad, rather than loser sad. I will miss this woman, her mangled pronunciation and her comically-heaving bosom. I don’t really care who wins anymore as Diana’s gone a bit shit.
On with the rankings...
1. BEAUTIFUL SPANISH RUTH – ‘Saying to yourself this here ain’t fair’
BSR’s first VT is heartbreaking if you watch it after the event. She speaks of how good she’s got and we see clips of how all the judges love her. There’s a montage of her being brilliant and having subtly different hairdos every week. There’s also a montage of Alex being good for some reason, which perhaps should have made BSR’s eventual booting less of a shock.
She’s on first because the man doesn’t want her to stay and people who sing sooner are more at risk. She sings I Love Rock ‘N Roll for no other reason than because she loves rock ‘n roll. It is great and involves very melodic shouting. There’s also a mechanical bull and a lot of hair-flicking and full-body heaving. Oh and she says ‘dance with may’ instead of ‘dance with me,’ Britney-style. When in Rome I guess.
The judges are positive. Cheryl’s grammar continues to confuse me. There’s some business between BSR and Simon where Ruth explains there was a bull because ‘I thought you liked bulls.’ Simon’s reply is ‘I could say the same about you.’ It makes no sense.
[Beforehand Cheryl Someone-or-Other says this performance will be 'the weirdest thing ever.' It is 'I love Rock N' Roll'. It's not very weird. I watch this one while trying to eat a pizza. There is a 'triumphant' keychange towards the end. I write 'foghorn' on my sheet. There is confusing talk afterwards – I'm not sure what's going on; I just want to finish my pizza. – Chris]
Ruth’s second performance is of Always by Bon Jovi. This was the first single I ever bought. I was told I was only allowed 1 tape so I went back the next day to buy Rhythm of the Night by Corona. Always was also the first song Ruth ever learned in English. This is yet more evidence that Ruth and I should be friends.
She has a devilish graphic backdrop, all fire and brimstone. It is quite a frightening two and a bit minutes. That said, she is awesome and attention-monopolising.
Cheryl is right when she says that it got a bit shouty. The wailing verged on being unpleasant which is rare for Ruth. Simon praises the performance for being incredibly emotional and Ruth for being determined. Neither ‘emotional’ nor ‘determined’ equal ‘good’ but I think Simon was trying to be flattering.
[I thought if I heard another superlative I'd be sick. Pass the best bucket we've...ever...seen...on...this...show... BSR did a great shouty performance that made Simon babble the goalposts into a whole new position. – Sian]
[This truly was a scary performance. Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up. – Martin]
Enough talk of vomit, bloggers. Ruth’s last performance – an encore of Always – was brilliant. Like Purple Rain, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, Love Ain’t Here Anymore and Angels. Bye bye Ruth.
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Don’t get strung out ‘bout the way I look. Don’t judge a book by its cover’
Her first VT reminds us of previous Leona comparisons and shows Alex being hoarse and tranny but still very good. We learn she’ll have 14 dancers and all the dancing will make her vocals less good. I’m sorry for sounding teenage but – duh. She says leaving this week would kill her. They make such fuss these people. Don’t they?
She sings Toxic and it doesn’t really work. Mainly because of the Tran factor. Her red leather jacket is two sizes too big, as if she bought it before she started transitioning. She’s also got scary, tranny eye make-up. It’s just a bit too Alexander/Alexandra for me.
The singing part isn’t much better because Toxic isn’t so much about the singing. Or singing live anyway. The whole thing’s processed to hell. That’s its charm.
Alexandra on the other hand is very much about the singing. That’s her charm. So having her out of breath and struggling to hit notes was wrong. Cheryl seems to understand this to an extent – as there’s a mimed vocodery bit – but it still wasn’t for me.
The judges love it because they liked the spectacle. More fool them. Simon Cowell says that if this contest was based on talent rather than popularity, Alex would be in the final. This was meant to be nice but also: Ha! He just said the frontrunners aren’t talented. And that Alex isn’t popular.
[She looked like an X-man. Not an ex-man. Though I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong – Martin]
[I like that it was a hotel-themed Toxic - there's a luggage trolley on stage and she's wearing a shower curtain. She sang the last 'you know that you're toxic' like she was saying 'you know that I'm not going to tip you'. She didn't sing 'steak egg and chips I'm outta here' like Britney does. – Sian]
Alexandra’s second VT is endlessly weepy. I suppose because the song she’s about to sing isn’t as jolly as Toxic. There’s talk of her tackling an impossibly big vocal. It could ruin her etc. etc. etc. Except she’s already sung this song at Cheryl’s house. We all saw it. It was shown on TV a few months ago. She sang it well. Yet more VT bullshit.
Alexandra’s second performance is the best of the night. Her tone is wonderful when its matched to the right song. She somehow makes the Beyonce song Listen more preposterous and wonderful. She does her own runs and doesn’t play copycat. She also has a flattering dress on and her hairdo is more feminine than we’re used to. It is awesome and earns a deserved standing ovation from the judges.
The judges bathe Alex in spit. Louis likes her because she sings and dances. His words, not mine. Simon likes her because she’s ‘decent off-camera’. Or, no one calls her Princess Diana because she’s such a twat. Dannii says nothing interesting. Cheryl weeps and gushes. This is yet more evidence that she’s not a racist.
[There was weird crying beforehand. I don't know what everyone is getting so upset about. It is just a TV programme. Calm down. – Chris]
3. DIANA – ‘It’s not my fault. I’m not to blame.’
Diana was on last because the producers want her to stay. Performing last is called the ‘pimp spot’ on American Idol, fact fans. Her VTs have become a bit mopey now as there aren’t any clips from the week before of her being very good. Because she hasn’t been very good for quite some time.
We learn that the Britney song she’s singing completely summarises her life and where she is. It’s I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Written by Dido. For a Britney vanity project film. When that song defines you, you may be a bit shallow.
Diana starts off writhing around on a chair in her bare feet. She gets up and the vocals don’t improve. Her shit is quite old now and I don’t know why Cheryl keeps giving her MOR radio favourites every week. We all know Diana shines doing Blondie and showing her pants.
The judges are less than positive. Louis thinks her shit has got old too and scolds her for not dancing. The first part is right but the second part makes Louis look like an idiot. Or like he needs all his pop served with dancers whoring or fagging around. Dannii says it was pitchy and tentative, which is fair. Simon says she’s in trouble.
[Kind of fancy her at first. I think, 'Why can't she work in the Somerfield near me?' She wanders around without her shoes on, singing in an odd voice, pronouncing things strangely. I make the note 'ferrity throat'. 70% successful keychange. Good ruffled hair at the end. Consider finding and 'friending' her on Facebook when I get home. She is only 17, though – Chris]
She almost redeemed herself with just one line of Everybody Hurts. I stopped being angry at least. Her tone works for me, mainly because I know what words she’s trying to say. (I don’t know how her voice will work when she releases original songs.) The song also suits a bit of pleasant wailing. Everybody cries, everybody wails I suppose. There’s a lot of growling and ugly noises and ugly faces. She looks possessed and there’s a nice, whispered ‘no, no’ bit. She looks like she’s trying this time. Thankfully.
The judges are positive. Though Louis says she’s the worst girl left. This is true but also: Ha! Simon says it was a million times better than her first song. Well, no. The first song was a 3 and this was a 7 at best. I’m bored of his hyperbole. Cheryl says she’s a little fighter. I think a celebrity thug like Cheryl Cole should talk about fighting less but praise is praise. There’s another reminder that Diana was ill a few weeks ago and that’s why she’s been so shit. Vote 4 Diana etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t wash with me.
[She is wandering around again without her shoes on. Don't worry, Diana. Everything will be okay. She seems very 'curious' about things – like something as simple as a bottle of showergel might make her get all confused and 'cute' over it. I don't know. I have stopped fancying her by now, even though she has good hair at the end again. – Chris]
[Because the clocks have gone back, and the song is relentlessly miserable, they put big light boxes on the stage to alleviate depression. There was good, dirty, growly singing to help with this too – Sian]
4. JLS – ‘Don’t want no short, short man’
They sap my strength I swear. The moody VT focuses on them being in the bottom two and everyone being ‘devastated’ but still badass and gangsta. They wanted to tell Simon Cowell to hurry up and vote Rachel off. Such rudeboyz. I wish they had done that. They also use the term ‘a whisker’ to signify something very small. That’s such an old lady term. They confuse me.
The little one who does all the singing feels guilty because he did all the singing and no one liked the singing. This is strange logic. Surely the ones who just stood there should feel more guilty. They did even less to court votes than sing badly.
The VT then focuses on Louis’s ridiculous song choice: Baby One More Time.
Thankfully JLS don’t wear their school uniforms. We learn JLS are less manly than Britney Spears. And less gangsta too. (See those stupid jackets they wear for proof.) The whole thing is awful. They’re flat which seems incredible on Britney week. Her songs are written for someone with rather a limited range. The growling helps a little but not enough.
There are ‘We love JLS’ screams from the audience. No one loves JLS. Dannii is positive because she doesn’t want Louis to make her cry again. There’s no other explanation. Cheryl says it was bad and Simon chooses to summarise it with one word: ‘limp.’ He then lists all the ways that it was ‘lame’. Then why not summarise it with the word ‘lame?’ Silly Simon.
[They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guy’s jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. When Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame,' it made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. – Martin]
[I write 'dirty bitches' on my sheet. They are overdramatic and confusing. I write 'idiot menchildren' on my sheet. I am trying to digest the pizza. There is a '2 out of 10' keychange. Afterwards, Simon Cowell says something about someone being 'literally insane'. At this point I feel confused and kind of want to go home. – Chris]
Their second VT features Puff Daddy’s Godzilla theme as its soundtrack. There’s nothing more gangsta than Puff Daddy film tie-ins to JLS!
They then do that Leann Rimes song about God lighting up your life. It can’t be wrong when it feels so right. So many nights I sit by my window. That one. I think they’re after the God vote what with this song choice and what with their mormon reggae cover last week.
They sing terribly and wear bright white boyband suits. They oversing and yet undersing in the sense they can’t hit the notes. Boyz II Men would find the whole thing dated. And limp. Then probably list all the ways it was lame as Simon sucked on the end of a biro.
The judges say this performance was much better, which is true, and that it was good, which is not true. Cheryl and Dannii have a big old laugh about the fact that they weren’t dancing, even though Louis had scolded Diana for not dancing. It’s a nice moment. It looks like the two lady judges are having fun and don’t hate each other all the time.
[For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING' – Martin]
5. EOGHAN – ‘She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss United States’
On his VT, Eoghan calls Cheryl maybe the most beautiful girl in the world. Don’t kiss ass, Quiglet. He’s also starting to get spots. This is bad for him. His whole popularity is based on him looking prepubescent. If his skin goes, and things start dropping and sprouting, it’s all over for him.
There’s a lot of VT drama about Eoghan singing a Britney song. Because Britney’s a girl and Eoghan’s a boy. I have 2 points to make.
1) He did fine on Mariah week, which required more singing
2) Whatevs – Eoghan’s not exactly a trucker. Most girls are bigger than him.
There’s an American Sweethearts theme on stage, with girls in 50s skirts and boys in silly jackets snogging. Eoghan’s doing Sometimes, which is all about virginity and learning. He’s lyrically very much in his comfort zone. He promises everyone listening that he’ll hold them tight and treat them right and be with them day and night. See – you don’t need to leave the house. Eoghan will love you.
The belting is nice and there is a Diana-style claw clamped to the side of his head when he does the difficult bits. When I say ‘difficult’, I mean the bits where Eoghan starts shouting to seem more talented.
Dannii thought it was pitchy and the choreography was too young for him. This is strange advice as we’re generally encouraged to see Eoghan as a cutely pitchy eight year-old. Or a Smurf. Cheryl said he was cute, but not great, and Simon said it was okay. High praise indeed. In other news, Dermot knows the word ‘ambivalent.’
[I don't understand this man and why this is the first time he's had 'ambivalent feedback'. He was glowing from the willy fiddling he's been doing all week because Mrs Cole wants to be his Mrs Robinson. – Sian]
The second performance upsets me. The theme is St. Patrick’s High School Musical. You read that right. It’s as exploitative as it sounds.
Now I don’t mind High School Musical. I like when the fat girl dances. I like the bits where we’re meant to believe Zac Efron plays sports. I like the whole ‘being in a musical is an alternative lifestyle’ thread that runs through them. But I don’t want to see this bizarre manchild chanting ‘Wildcats. Here we go.’ Because it’s lies. He’s never been in a basketball team called the Wildcats. He’s never had a pet rat called Ben either. Eoghan is a big fraud.
The song requires almost no singing after the first thirty seconds. The backing track does it all for him. The backing dancers do all the dancing too so Eoghan can just stand there. And sway. And bop.
Louis Walsh thought it was a little busy. Though he’s been bleating on tonight about how much he likes dancing, it appears he doesn’t like too much dancing. The other judges are immensely positive. Eoghan does his disgusting leering grin when Dermot reads out his voting number. His head wobbles like the Churchill dog. He smiles likes he’s just finished the swimsuit round of Little Miss Wyoming. Or like he’s mentally ill.
[I write 'this should be stopped' on my sheet. Towards the end he gets lifted into the air by some of the backing dancers and peers around at the crowd and the ceiling like a curious, precocious baby. Do I fancy some of the backing dancers? I don't know. Possibly, in a really 'obvious' way. I feel like a perverted 70-year-old man – Chris]
[He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read: really wanted) him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties - Martin]
[This was a bobby-socked Earth Song. Where's school disco Jarvis to moon at him? – Sian]
A very special thanks to my special guests. Who didn't mime.
In other news, my Dad thought Ruth was rubbish. He's a difficult man to please. This is why I have such Daddy issues.
1. It is Manchester bloggers’ blog week on Thex Factor.
We have a rather astonishing 3 (but hopefully 4) guest columnists this week. I am very excited by this. 4 of us took notes en masse and ate peanuts.
Chris is a writer who blogs here and can be pre-ordered here. Enjoy this very graphic close-up of Chris’s handwriting:
Sian looks no fool below. Sian is very up-and-coming in the way that I am very up-and-coming but she doesn’t have a blog. Maybe if she tries hard in all her exams she can have one too!
Socrates has a grown-up job and blogs here. His notes will be edited in soon. Fingers crossed.
His photo below says ‘I hate The X Factor’ but it says this in a high-spirited, arty way.
Martin blogs here. He was too ill to take notes with us. As there is therefore no picture of him, below is a painfully arty shot of my note-taking:
2. It is also Britney Spears week
This is clearly less exciting than the fact that it’s Manchester bloggers’ blog week but it is still a salient fact.
During the results, Britney mimes Womanizer and dances rather sluggishly but she doesn’t look drunk or fat so I guess we’re still calling this a comeback. She sadly doesn’t sing her new song where she spells out ‘Fuck Me.’ It's called ‘If U Seek Amy.’ It's ace.
Britney is not the only guest. Miley Cyrus does a Diet Alanis song and also is probably not singing live. It’s not great and it’s shoved at the end of the performances which makes it feel yet more disposable.
[Cyrus is prone to the same mispronunciation as Diana. She buys all her clothes in the Arndale Centre's no-name shops. Rock! - Sian]
[I kind of hope she walks into one of the pyrotechnics. She has a strange voice and can't seem to keep still. What is she getting all excited about? – Chris]
3. There were adverts.
These adverts were more entertaining than some of the performances. As is my understanding: Pizza Hut now sell Pasta, Argos sell Christmas gifts and many artists have albums out now.
4. It is a sad day.
Beautiful, Spanish Ruth is off. Lorenzo, Lorenzo will dance no more. Or rub her hair. Or hike up her skirt. Or weep beautiful, Spanish tears. Or shout. Or sit on her Mamma’s scarf.
Making things worse, there’s still that rumour lingering that Beyonce’s going to appear on the final, duetting with one of the finalists. We’ll never get to see Beyonce and Ruth doing Beautiful Liar together. Beyonce, Beyonce. Lorenzo, Lorenzo. It would have been brilliant. Though Alex doing If I Were A Boy will still be fun. It’s not a big ‘If’ after all.
This is the first elimination that made me sad. Well, unhappy sad, rather than loser sad. I will miss this woman, her mangled pronunciation and her comically-heaving bosom. I don’t really care who wins anymore as Diana’s gone a bit shit.
On with the rankings...
1. BEAUTIFUL SPANISH RUTH – ‘Saying to yourself this here ain’t fair’
BSR’s first VT is heartbreaking if you watch it after the event. She speaks of how good she’s got and we see clips of how all the judges love her. There’s a montage of her being brilliant and having subtly different hairdos every week. There’s also a montage of Alex being good for some reason, which perhaps should have made BSR’s eventual booting less of a shock.
She’s on first because the man doesn’t want her to stay and people who sing sooner are more at risk. She sings I Love Rock ‘N Roll for no other reason than because she loves rock ‘n roll. It is great and involves very melodic shouting. There’s also a mechanical bull and a lot of hair-flicking and full-body heaving. Oh and she says ‘dance with may’ instead of ‘dance with me,’ Britney-style. When in Rome I guess.
The judges are positive. Cheryl’s grammar continues to confuse me. There’s some business between BSR and Simon where Ruth explains there was a bull because ‘I thought you liked bulls.’ Simon’s reply is ‘I could say the same about you.’ It makes no sense.
[Beforehand Cheryl Someone-or-Other says this performance will be 'the weirdest thing ever.' It is 'I love Rock N' Roll'. It's not very weird. I watch this one while trying to eat a pizza. There is a 'triumphant' keychange towards the end. I write 'foghorn' on my sheet. There is confusing talk afterwards – I'm not sure what's going on; I just want to finish my pizza. – Chris]
Ruth’s second performance is of Always by Bon Jovi. This was the first single I ever bought. I was told I was only allowed 1 tape so I went back the next day to buy Rhythm of the Night by Corona. Always was also the first song Ruth ever learned in English. This is yet more evidence that Ruth and I should be friends.
She has a devilish graphic backdrop, all fire and brimstone. It is quite a frightening two and a bit minutes. That said, she is awesome and attention-monopolising.
Cheryl is right when she says that it got a bit shouty. The wailing verged on being unpleasant which is rare for Ruth. Simon praises the performance for being incredibly emotional and Ruth for being determined. Neither ‘emotional’ nor ‘determined’ equal ‘good’ but I think Simon was trying to be flattering.
[I thought if I heard another superlative I'd be sick. Pass the best bucket we've...ever...seen...on...this...show... BSR did a great shouty performance that made Simon babble the goalposts into a whole new position. – Sian]
[This truly was a scary performance. Accompanied by a wall of flame Ruth turned 'I will Love You Baby Always' into a furious threat. At one point near the end I thought she was going to explode and braced myself. At the end her face melted with emotion and Cheryl said it sounded like 'it came from the pit of your stomach' which although supposed to be a compliment was actually insinuating that it sounded like she was throwing up. – Martin]
Enough talk of vomit, bloggers. Ruth’s last performance – an encore of Always – was brilliant. Like Purple Rain, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, Love Ain’t Here Anymore and Angels. Bye bye Ruth.
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Don’t get strung out ‘bout the way I look. Don’t judge a book by its cover’
Her first VT reminds us of previous Leona comparisons and shows Alex being hoarse and tranny but still very good. We learn she’ll have 14 dancers and all the dancing will make her vocals less good. I’m sorry for sounding teenage but – duh. She says leaving this week would kill her. They make such fuss these people. Don’t they?
She sings Toxic and it doesn’t really work. Mainly because of the Tran factor. Her red leather jacket is two sizes too big, as if she bought it before she started transitioning. She’s also got scary, tranny eye make-up. It’s just a bit too Alexander/Alexandra for me.
The singing part isn’t much better because Toxic isn’t so much about the singing. Or singing live anyway. The whole thing’s processed to hell. That’s its charm.
Alexandra on the other hand is very much about the singing. That’s her charm. So having her out of breath and struggling to hit notes was wrong. Cheryl seems to understand this to an extent – as there’s a mimed vocodery bit – but it still wasn’t for me.
The judges love it because they liked the spectacle. More fool them. Simon Cowell says that if this contest was based on talent rather than popularity, Alex would be in the final. This was meant to be nice but also: Ha! He just said the frontrunners aren’t talented. And that Alex isn’t popular.
[She looked like an X-man. Not an ex-man. Though I could see the 'tranny' thing a couple of times when the camera caught her face wrong – Martin]
[I like that it was a hotel-themed Toxic - there's a luggage trolley on stage and she's wearing a shower curtain. She sang the last 'you know that you're toxic' like she was saying 'you know that I'm not going to tip you'. She didn't sing 'steak egg and chips I'm outta here' like Britney does. – Sian]
Alexandra’s second VT is endlessly weepy. I suppose because the song she’s about to sing isn’t as jolly as Toxic. There’s talk of her tackling an impossibly big vocal. It could ruin her etc. etc. etc. Except she’s already sung this song at Cheryl’s house. We all saw it. It was shown on TV a few months ago. She sang it well. Yet more VT bullshit.
Alexandra’s second performance is the best of the night. Her tone is wonderful when its matched to the right song. She somehow makes the Beyonce song Listen more preposterous and wonderful. She does her own runs and doesn’t play copycat. She also has a flattering dress on and her hairdo is more feminine than we’re used to. It is awesome and earns a deserved standing ovation from the judges.
The judges bathe Alex in spit. Louis likes her because she sings and dances. His words, not mine. Simon likes her because she’s ‘decent off-camera’. Or, no one calls her Princess Diana because she’s such a twat. Dannii says nothing interesting. Cheryl weeps and gushes. This is yet more evidence that she’s not a racist.
[There was weird crying beforehand. I don't know what everyone is getting so upset about. It is just a TV programme. Calm down. – Chris]
3. DIANA – ‘It’s not my fault. I’m not to blame.’
Diana was on last because the producers want her to stay. Performing last is called the ‘pimp spot’ on American Idol, fact fans. Her VTs have become a bit mopey now as there aren’t any clips from the week before of her being very good. Because she hasn’t been very good for quite some time.
We learn that the Britney song she’s singing completely summarises her life and where she is. It’s I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman. Written by Dido. For a Britney vanity project film. When that song defines you, you may be a bit shallow.
Diana starts off writhing around on a chair in her bare feet. She gets up and the vocals don’t improve. Her shit is quite old now and I don’t know why Cheryl keeps giving her MOR radio favourites every week. We all know Diana shines doing Blondie and showing her pants.
The judges are less than positive. Louis thinks her shit has got old too and scolds her for not dancing. The first part is right but the second part makes Louis look like an idiot. Or like he needs all his pop served with dancers whoring or fagging around. Dannii says it was pitchy and tentative, which is fair. Simon says she’s in trouble.
[Kind of fancy her at first. I think, 'Why can't she work in the Somerfield near me?' She wanders around without her shoes on, singing in an odd voice, pronouncing things strangely. I make the note 'ferrity throat'. 70% successful keychange. Good ruffled hair at the end. Consider finding and 'friending' her on Facebook when I get home. She is only 17, though – Chris]
She almost redeemed herself with just one line of Everybody Hurts. I stopped being angry at least. Her tone works for me, mainly because I know what words she’s trying to say. (I don’t know how her voice will work when she releases original songs.) The song also suits a bit of pleasant wailing. Everybody cries, everybody wails I suppose. There’s a lot of growling and ugly noises and ugly faces. She looks possessed and there’s a nice, whispered ‘no, no’ bit. She looks like she’s trying this time. Thankfully.
The judges are positive. Though Louis says she’s the worst girl left. This is true but also: Ha! Simon says it was a million times better than her first song. Well, no. The first song was a 3 and this was a 7 at best. I’m bored of his hyperbole. Cheryl says she’s a little fighter. I think a celebrity thug like Cheryl Cole should talk about fighting less but praise is praise. There’s another reminder that Diana was ill a few weeks ago and that’s why she’s been so shit. Vote 4 Diana etc. etc. etc. It doesn’t wash with me.
[She is wandering around again without her shoes on. Don't worry, Diana. Everything will be okay. She seems very 'curious' about things – like something as simple as a bottle of showergel might make her get all confused and 'cute' over it. I don't know. I have stopped fancying her by now, even though she has good hair at the end again. – Chris]
[Because the clocks have gone back, and the song is relentlessly miserable, they put big light boxes on the stage to alleviate depression. There was good, dirty, growly singing to help with this too – Sian]
4. JLS – ‘Don’t want no short, short man’
They sap my strength I swear. The moody VT focuses on them being in the bottom two and everyone being ‘devastated’ but still badass and gangsta. They wanted to tell Simon Cowell to hurry up and vote Rachel off. Such rudeboyz. I wish they had done that. They also use the term ‘a whisker’ to signify something very small. That’s such an old lady term. They confuse me.
The little one who does all the singing feels guilty because he did all the singing and no one liked the singing. This is strange logic. Surely the ones who just stood there should feel more guilty. They did even less to court votes than sing badly.
The VT then focuses on Louis’s ridiculous song choice: Baby One More Time.
Thankfully JLS don’t wear their school uniforms. We learn JLS are less manly than Britney Spears. And less gangsta too. (See those stupid jackets they wear for proof.) The whole thing is awful. They’re flat which seems incredible on Britney week. Her songs are written for someone with rather a limited range. The growling helps a little but not enough.
There are ‘We love JLS’ screams from the audience. No one loves JLS. Dannii is positive because she doesn’t want Louis to make her cry again. There’s no other explanation. Cheryl says it was bad and Simon chooses to summarise it with one word: ‘limp.’ He then lists all the ways that it was ‘lame’. Then why not summarise it with the word ‘lame?’ Silly Simon.
[They did 'Hit me baby one more time' and I have to say I don't think I would ever tire of hitting them. Especially the tiny lead singer who, like everyone else on the show, had a 'CRY' button on his back that could be pressed at the end of the song. For some unexplained reason the group performed in front of a metal bar, sole purpose of which seemed to be for them to lean on like winos at the start of the song. One guy’s jacket was so shiny I could see my face in it. The judges gave them a kicking. When Simon referred to them as both 'Limp' and 'Lame,' it made me 'Laugh' at 'Louis'. – Martin]
[I write 'dirty bitches' on my sheet. They are overdramatic and confusing. I write 'idiot menchildren' on my sheet. I am trying to digest the pizza. There is a '2 out of 10' keychange. Afterwards, Simon Cowell says something about someone being 'literally insane'. At this point I feel confused and kind of want to go home. – Chris]
Their second VT features Puff Daddy’s Godzilla theme as its soundtrack. There’s nothing more gangsta than Puff Daddy film tie-ins to JLS!
They then do that Leann Rimes song about God lighting up your life. It can’t be wrong when it feels so right. So many nights I sit by my window. That one. I think they’re after the God vote what with this song choice and what with their mormon reggae cover last week.
They sing terribly and wear bright white boyband suits. They oversing and yet undersing in the sense they can’t hit the notes. Boyz II Men would find the whole thing dated. And limp. Then probably list all the ways it was lame as Simon sucked on the end of a biro.
The judges say this performance was much better, which is true, and that it was good, which is not true. Cheryl and Dannii have a big old laugh about the fact that they weren’t dancing, even though Louis had scolded Diana for not dancing. It’s a nice moment. It looks like the two lady judges are having fun and don’t hate each other all the time.
[For their second song I have written down in my notes 'BORING' – Martin]
5. EOGHAN – ‘She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s Miss United States’
On his VT, Eoghan calls Cheryl maybe the most beautiful girl in the world. Don’t kiss ass, Quiglet. He’s also starting to get spots. This is bad for him. His whole popularity is based on him looking prepubescent. If his skin goes, and things start dropping and sprouting, it’s all over for him.
There’s a lot of VT drama about Eoghan singing a Britney song. Because Britney’s a girl and Eoghan’s a boy. I have 2 points to make.
1) He did fine on Mariah week, which required more singing
2) Whatevs – Eoghan’s not exactly a trucker. Most girls are bigger than him.
There’s an American Sweethearts theme on stage, with girls in 50s skirts and boys in silly jackets snogging. Eoghan’s doing Sometimes, which is all about virginity and learning. He’s lyrically very much in his comfort zone. He promises everyone listening that he’ll hold them tight and treat them right and be with them day and night. See – you don’t need to leave the house. Eoghan will love you.
The belting is nice and there is a Diana-style claw clamped to the side of his head when he does the difficult bits. When I say ‘difficult’, I mean the bits where Eoghan starts shouting to seem more talented.
Dannii thought it was pitchy and the choreography was too young for him. This is strange advice as we’re generally encouraged to see Eoghan as a cutely pitchy eight year-old. Or a Smurf. Cheryl said he was cute, but not great, and Simon said it was okay. High praise indeed. In other news, Dermot knows the word ‘ambivalent.’
[I don't understand this man and why this is the first time he's had 'ambivalent feedback'. He was glowing from the willy fiddling he's been doing all week because Mrs Cole wants to be his Mrs Robinson. – Sian]
The second performance upsets me. The theme is St. Patrick’s High School Musical. You read that right. It’s as exploitative as it sounds.
Now I don’t mind High School Musical. I like when the fat girl dances. I like the bits where we’re meant to believe Zac Efron plays sports. I like the whole ‘being in a musical is an alternative lifestyle’ thread that runs through them. But I don’t want to see this bizarre manchild chanting ‘Wildcats. Here we go.’ Because it’s lies. He’s never been in a basketball team called the Wildcats. He’s never had a pet rat called Ben either. Eoghan is a big fraud.
The song requires almost no singing after the first thirty seconds. The backing track does it all for him. The backing dancers do all the dancing too so Eoghan can just stand there. And sway. And bop.
Louis Walsh thought it was a little busy. Though he’s been bleating on tonight about how much he likes dancing, it appears he doesn’t like too much dancing. The other judges are immensely positive. Eoghan does his disgusting leering grin when Dermot reads out his voting number. His head wobbles like the Churchill dog. He smiles likes he’s just finished the swimsuit round of Little Miss Wyoming. Or like he’s mentally ill.
[I write 'this should be stopped' on my sheet. Towards the end he gets lifted into the air by some of the backing dancers and peers around at the crowd and the ceiling like a curious, precocious baby. Do I fancy some of the backing dancers? I don't know. Possibly, in a really 'obvious' way. I feel like a perverted 70-year-old man – Chris]
[He jigged about the stage with the grace and flow of a Thunderbirds puppet accompanied by at least 300 dancers. At many points I lost track of him and half expected (read: really wanted) him to be trampled underfoot. Louis babbled on about dancing like the petulant child he is and everyone else cooed over little Eoghan like broody aunties - Martin]
[This was a bobby-socked Earth Song. Where's school disco Jarvis to moon at him? – Sian]
A very special thanks to my special guests. Who didn't mime.
In other news, my Dad thought Ruth was rubbish. He's a difficult man to please. This is why I have such Daddy issues.
Saturday, 29 November 2008
Recaplet - A Sad Day
Thex Factor is in mourning for Beautiful, Spanish Ruth. She was the best this week. Then the public voted and their votes said 'she should fuck off home.' To repeat, this is a sad day.
On the plus side, it is a very special blog with MANY guest columnists. It is my Manchester bloggers' blog week. The recap is going to be hilarious and fit. Or: '1 girl 4 guys guest columnist panties schoolboy'. Either way.
On the plus side, it is a very special blog with MANY guest columnists. It is my Manchester bloggers' blog week. The recap is going to be hilarious and fit. Or: '1 girl 4 guys guest columnist panties schoolboy'. Either way.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
Thex Factor 6 - Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. It was Take That week
You remember them? If you can't, the montage of good songs and bad hair would have helped you.
The two most famous ones that aren’t Robbie do masterclasses and all four got to sing a song. The masterclasses were orated by Gary and Mark who 'tell it like it is' according to a VT. They tell two contestants to shut up. This was brilliant and means their masterclasses exceed even Will Young’s ones for non-aggressive meanness.
In terms of their guest spot, I don't love the song – and I was always more of an East 17 fan so I’m not overcome by Take That nostalgia – but I enjoyed the performance. Mark did the most dancing or bouncing along to the song. Gary did the most singing and had eyebrow troubles: one was dancing and the other was quietly dying. I'm not sure what emotion this was meant to convey.
Fittingly, singing songs by a group of men brings out the tranny in most of the contestants. Diana is the only contestant who consistently looks like she was born female this week.
2. There were celebrity guests other than Take That.
There was Same Difference who continue to be very jolly. We are told they offer 'unadulterated joy' to the world and I have to agree. Louis can't pronounce unadulterated, which brings yet more unadulterated joy the world. Their song is called We R One, which is a bit too semantically close to 2 Become 1 for me. You're brother and sister. Stop it. They appear to be miming but the dancing does look strenuous. Louis says they're amazing and S.D. are happy in a dated, naff, honest and wonderful way. I wish them well.
Rhydian was a little less happy even though he got a montage about how good he is and Same Difference didn’t. Diva. He has strange, staring eyes, which makes me miss Mariah and her dead eyes yet more. The hair is no better than it was last year but the singing is good. The whole popera movement annoys me but I've no beef with Rhydian. I wish him well.
3. We have a guest columnist.
His name is William – or Will for short – and I went to primary school with him. We both had FIERCE hair back then. He would like for there to be a Scooter week and he has bizarre views on Rachel. Bizarre in the sense that they are often positive views.
There are still vacancies. Apply via e-mail.
4. Dannii cried hot tears.
Apparently there's a rota where the judges get the first-pick of songs for their acts. Dannii had first pick because she it was her turn. This was too complicated for Louis Walsh.
He was upset because JLS wanted to sing Rule The World. He called Dannii a thief on TV and her voice cracked then she wept without moving her face. Simon defended her and Cheryl grinned the whole time, like she was watching a happyslap on someone's mobile.
On with the rankings…
1. RUTH – 'Baby do the conga, no you can't resist the feeling any longer'
On her VT, we are reminded of Ruth's awesomeness last week where she was the only contestant who was neither rubbish nor boring. She's singing one of Take That's less known songs (i.e. one that didn’t get to #1) and gets to meet them. They tell her in about three different ways to stop shouting and ruining their song. GB Gary Barlow compares Ruth's singing style to GBH. We then hear vocal couch Yvie saying Ruth should stop shouting and Simon saying she'll struggle to stop shouting.
I think they're all being very silly. Who doesn't like a good shout? It's primal scream therapy. It's why Ruth is so beautiful and Spanish all the time – because she lets it all out.
There is still a fair bit of shouting but each individual shout is impressive and expressive. She shouts at the right times for the right lengths and turns a Take That ballad into something frightening and exhilarating.
The judges like me enjoyed the perfect balance of shouting and singing. Louis said it was faultless; Cheryl, inspirational; Simon, sensational. Dermot called her a beautiful Spanish omelette. Universal praise!
During the moody, dramatic results, Ruth had a bit of a tache on all the close-ups. Eoghan looked jealous. This was the best part of tranny week. I’m still disappointed in her for letting herself go though. I won't call her Beautiful Spanish Ruth for a week as punishment.
[Ruth seems to be getting closer to her ultimate goal of becoming Meat Loaf. Perhaps Meat Loaf in Fight Club where he has heaving bosoms? The judges talk about Ruth's passion again. This ethnic stereotyping is getting pretty old. To be fair it's not hard to appear passionate in comparison to Danni whose face is so immobile she can't show emotion and Cheryl who seems to think everything is lovely. Perhaps Cheryl saves up the passion for nightclub attendants? – Will]
[She was going to pay for them lollipops – Tim]
2. ALEXANDRA – 'I know all there is to know about the crying game'
Alex's VT starts happily enough with talk of her Best of British week success. She says it 'literally felt like she’d died and gone to Heaven.' Blasphemy aside, this is dumb. Louis Walsh wouldn't be anywhere near you if you were in Heaven.
Cheeky Take That boys Gary and Mark tell Alex she's very good but needs to shut the fuck up when she's not doing her two and half minutes of singing. To 'protect her instrument,' they say. Or they just want her to spout less drivel.
The VT then takes on a dramatic turn when we learn that Alex will have to sing and dance at the same time this week. This is apparently some great Olympian feat, that she'll probably fail to achieve, even though she's already done this three times by my count. Maybe it is very tricky and there is the need for all this VT drama. I would struggle to write this blog and dance at the same time after all. (Plus, I watched a repeat of Top Model where a girl was praised for her ability to walk and talk at the same time. I guess it's all relative.) But still - it seems like they're trying to invent some problem that isn't there.
The performance is very strong, particularly for an opening act. Her tone is rich and full like a Gastropub stew. She has drag queen hair though, which stretches her face and gives it very manly lumps and dimensions. Her mini dress also has more shiny bits than a born-woman could stand. Couple this with the fact that her voice is naturally hoarse and it probably was the tranniest I've ever seen a good-looking girl look. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Sack the stylist.
Dannii is a bit of a Negative Nelly but the other 3 are very positive. None of them say 'Dude looks like a lady' so they’re obviously in good spirits. The always right Simon Cowell said it was one of the best versions of Relight My Fire he'd ever heard. There's been about 3 versions I think so that was weak praise. There is more talk of Alex shaking what her Momma gave her. Bitch needs to learn some new slang.
[This was an excellent performance but I think I want to go back to the old Leona-like, android Alexandra. Her attempts to sass the judges were embarrassing. – Will]
3. DIANA – 'I’m goin' down, I'm goin’ down'
As Diana couldn't meet Mariah Carey, she was doubly happy to meet the most famous ones from Take That that aren't Robbie. Gary gives her his phone number because he wants to sign her. Well, this is the reason he gives and I've no reason to mistrust him. The best part of her VT was that its backing track was the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. She talks funny and has big hair, yes, but she's not a pirate. This music choice was bizarre.
The verses of Diana's Patience are very good but the choruses are lame. Her slump into mediocrity breaks my Vickers-loving heart. Her voice is thoroughly drowned out by the backing track and the backing singers. Which begs the question: why have backing singers? Isn't the whole point of Diana that she’s folksy and acoustic? She rallies towards the end with strange noises and hauntingly pleasant wailing but it's still not great. I'm worried that she’s peaked too early. I said this about Leona though so I'm no Simon Cowell.
The judges are full of praise. Louis praises her for making the song sound contemporary. The song she did is not even 2 years old so this was either silly praise or a subtle Take That diss. Simon Cowell said he enjoyed the odd noises and Cheryl calls him Mrs. Cowell. I love that the gay jokes are coming from her now as well as from the men.
The best Diana moment this week came on the results show when she said she's 'had a taste of what her life could be like' and doesn’t want it to end. Showing your pants and yelping in front of millions sounds like a laugh so who can blame her!
[Diana has the most annoying speaking voice, emphasising seemingly random bits of words. Her singing is starting to grate too. I still like the Chewbacca-meets-Cranberries warbles but her inability to pronounce simple words is baffling. She really struggled to say the word Patience which is a quite big problem in a song where it's the most common word. I think this happens because she doesn't know many words and the production team have to write the song out phonetically for her. – Will]
[She couldn't say Smile either. Or Hallelujah. Couldn't someone check she can pronounce the title before giving her the song? – Tim]
4. EOGHAN – 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy'
Eoghan is very red-faced on his VT. Has he come straight from a wank? He looks bizarre. He tells us he has always been a huge Take That fan. He was 3 when they had their biggest hits so I call VT bullshit. He misses out the high notes during his boy band masterclass because he can't hit them. Gary tells him off for being a big wimp and makes him try them anyway. He struggles.
On stage, he lets the backing track do the high notes for him. Ha! I think this was a wonderful move and is even better because he's completely ignored Gary’s bad advice. Though only a fool would question Simon or Gary, I'm not sure why anyone would give Eoghan a song made up of notes he can't hit. The belting is very nice. They should have given him a song that involved mainly belting. It isn't hard.
Eoghan has gangsta chains and his hair is inexplicable. Dannii looks watery when watching him. There is a children's choir who sing the children's choir bit. Many of its members are taller than Eoghan.
Louis Walsh calls him Quiglet. Ha! Louis thinks he looks like a red-faced pig. Cheryl lusts for him though to make up for it and Simon sees pound signs. I grow increasingly anxious he'll win. Diana needs to get back up to standard sharpish to stop this.
[Eoghan was great again. I'm not sure if he's a Popstar but he can definitely sing. It was clear this week how much makeup they put on him for his performances, as in the VTs he looks about 12. My flatmate is very confused. She doesn't know whether she wants to mother him or sleep with him. Or perhaps both in some kind of Oedipal way? – Will]
5. JLS – ‘And as for fortune, and as for fame, I never invited them in’
People are calling them Jack the Lad Swing again. Jesus wept.
At their masterclass, the badass members of JLS are told not to hate each other. Or rather 'look after each other' because 'if one [badass boyband member] breaks away, it's all over.' Or it’s all over until you do a reunion tour, release a song called Patience and then become more successful than you were the first time. It's odd advice from the Take That boys, based so vaguely on real experience.
JLS do A Million Love Songs. I find the original boring so having it rehashed every year or so on this show doesn’t work for me. Shayne and Leona both did it better.
The performance is OK. The little one sings most of it and begins with a very thin voice. The moody growling kicks in after the first chorus and the vocals generally improve. That said, the little one's sex faces during the moody growling added nothing to my life.
The judges are positive but not too effusive. Simon backtracks from saying JLS are the show’s best band ever and instead says they are 'one of the best.' He clearly did this so as not to offend Same Difference, who are another band from this show and who were in the building. But also – Ha! It is the beginning of the end when Simon's praise becomes less ridiculous and overblown as the weeks go on.
JLS are in the bottom two and are very gallant. I think the sex faces are to blame. Louis introduces them as 4 of the 'nicest' people he knows. This doesn’t sway me. Louis clearly prefers the company of bitches. They sing a strange mash-up of Stand By Me and Beautiful Girls. Just like the mormon did on American Idol this spring. There’s nothing more badass than mormon covers of reggae-lite in the minds of JLS!
The bits that are Stand By Me are pleasant and the bits that are Beautiful Girls are rubbish. I think this may have something to do with the varying quality of both songs. They end by changing the words from 'Stand By Me' to 'Stand By JLS.' This is up there with ‘That’s Life – Westlife’ on my all-time list of brilliant lyric changes. Only it's far more desperate.
JLS stay but they can’t win now. No winner of this show has ever been in the bottom two (and half of the runner-ups kept a clean record too). Plus, they were bottom two on boy band week, despite being a boy band. They’ll take the bronze at best.
[JLS were decent but their real purpose was to serve as the intro to the highlight of the evening: the Louis-Dannii cat fight. I maintain that Dannii wasn't in fact crying but had had some kind of injury and was leaking botox. I'm sure the doctors will patch her up in time for next week. The amazing thing about the whole scene was that despite Dannii appearing to be a bit distressed, Louis was grinning like an idiot throughout. Perhaps he sold his soul in return for a night of passion with Westlife's Mark Feehily? - Will]
[To protect the blog from libel, I have Googled Westlife and Mark is in fact the gay one with the big lips. Who knew! What I want to know is: Why was there all this drama about Rule The World anyway when better songs like Back for Good went untouched? – Tim]
6. RACHEL – 'Ding dong. The witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!'
Rachel is introduced by her weeping mentor Dannii Minogue, fresh from being called a thief by Louis. The VT is miserable, focusing on Rachel's struggles and general unpopularity. She says being in the bottom two felt like someone 'kicked me in my guts.' Rubbish. She was grinning and bouncing and allegedly doing gun crime hand gestures at that poor widower last week. She loved it. I once again call VT bullshit. Louis says Rachel has 'no likability.' Ha! That was mean even by this show’s standards.
The verses are OK – 4 out of 10 OK – because she’s swapped in the foghorn noises for singing, even if it's not great singing. The choruses involve the most unpleasant wailing. There are also acrobats hanging from red sheets. It's unclear why and serves to highlight how empty the singing part of the performance is. Worst performance of the year.
The judges are positive about this mess. I'm past caring why. Dannii weeps some more.
She's in the bottom two. She's singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (which you may have noted that I quoted last week for the Rachel part of this blog.) She calls it I'm Not Leaving by Dreamgirls. So does Dannii. Show some respect for the music, ladies. Please.
The song features the lyrics 'Yeah, I’ll scream and shout' which Rachel takes to heart. She makes bizarre, ugly noises and pulls trannified, ugly faces. The whole thing is dreadful and features a silly high note. She goes and justice is served. Though there remains the injustice of the nicer, better people leaving sooner.
[Rachel put in a quality performance but it's clear the public have it in for her. The judges told her that she has 'soul.' I half expected them to carry on by telling her to get back to the plantation and eat some chicken wings. More crude stereotyping. I'm a big fan of Rachel the judges were right when they said she was patchy. It was sad to see Rachel go after a pretty amazing go at that song from Dreamgirls but they were always going to put JLS through. - Will]
[A final thought: Her best bits montage struggled to find many positive comments from the judges and couldn’t help but show her shouting every week. Not beautiful, Spanish shouting. Bad shouting. – Tim]
In other news, my Mum calls Rhydian ‘my Rhydian.’ We’re not far off from him being called the son she never had. Are we?
1. It was Take That week
You remember them? If you can't, the montage of good songs and bad hair would have helped you.
The two most famous ones that aren’t Robbie do masterclasses and all four got to sing a song. The masterclasses were orated by Gary and Mark who 'tell it like it is' according to a VT. They tell two contestants to shut up. This was brilliant and means their masterclasses exceed even Will Young’s ones for non-aggressive meanness.
In terms of their guest spot, I don't love the song – and I was always more of an East 17 fan so I’m not overcome by Take That nostalgia – but I enjoyed the performance. Mark did the most dancing or bouncing along to the song. Gary did the most singing and had eyebrow troubles: one was dancing and the other was quietly dying. I'm not sure what emotion this was meant to convey.
Fittingly, singing songs by a group of men brings out the tranny in most of the contestants. Diana is the only contestant who consistently looks like she was born female this week.
2. There were celebrity guests other than Take That.
There was Same Difference who continue to be very jolly. We are told they offer 'unadulterated joy' to the world and I have to agree. Louis can't pronounce unadulterated, which brings yet more unadulterated joy the world. Their song is called We R One, which is a bit too semantically close to 2 Become 1 for me. You're brother and sister. Stop it. They appear to be miming but the dancing does look strenuous. Louis says they're amazing and S.D. are happy in a dated, naff, honest and wonderful way. I wish them well.
Rhydian was a little less happy even though he got a montage about how good he is and Same Difference didn’t. Diva. He has strange, staring eyes, which makes me miss Mariah and her dead eyes yet more. The hair is no better than it was last year but the singing is good. The whole popera movement annoys me but I've no beef with Rhydian. I wish him well.
3. We have a guest columnist.
His name is William – or Will for short – and I went to primary school with him. We both had FIERCE hair back then. He would like for there to be a Scooter week and he has bizarre views on Rachel. Bizarre in the sense that they are often positive views.
There are still vacancies. Apply via e-mail.
4. Dannii cried hot tears.
Apparently there's a rota where the judges get the first-pick of songs for their acts. Dannii had first pick because she it was her turn. This was too complicated for Louis Walsh.
He was upset because JLS wanted to sing Rule The World. He called Dannii a thief on TV and her voice cracked then she wept without moving her face. Simon defended her and Cheryl grinned the whole time, like she was watching a happyslap on someone's mobile.
On with the rankings…
1. RUTH – 'Baby do the conga, no you can't resist the feeling any longer'
On her VT, we are reminded of Ruth's awesomeness last week where she was the only contestant who was neither rubbish nor boring. She's singing one of Take That's less known songs (i.e. one that didn’t get to #1) and gets to meet them. They tell her in about three different ways to stop shouting and ruining their song. GB Gary Barlow compares Ruth's singing style to GBH. We then hear vocal couch Yvie saying Ruth should stop shouting and Simon saying she'll struggle to stop shouting.
I think they're all being very silly. Who doesn't like a good shout? It's primal scream therapy. It's why Ruth is so beautiful and Spanish all the time – because she lets it all out.
There is still a fair bit of shouting but each individual shout is impressive and expressive. She shouts at the right times for the right lengths and turns a Take That ballad into something frightening and exhilarating.
The judges like me enjoyed the perfect balance of shouting and singing. Louis said it was faultless; Cheryl, inspirational; Simon, sensational. Dermot called her a beautiful Spanish omelette. Universal praise!
During the moody, dramatic results, Ruth had a bit of a tache on all the close-ups. Eoghan looked jealous. This was the best part of tranny week. I’m still disappointed in her for letting herself go though. I won't call her Beautiful Spanish Ruth for a week as punishment.
[Ruth seems to be getting closer to her ultimate goal of becoming Meat Loaf. Perhaps Meat Loaf in Fight Club where he has heaving bosoms? The judges talk about Ruth's passion again. This ethnic stereotyping is getting pretty old. To be fair it's not hard to appear passionate in comparison to Danni whose face is so immobile she can't show emotion and Cheryl who seems to think everything is lovely. Perhaps Cheryl saves up the passion for nightclub attendants? – Will]
[She was going to pay for them lollipops – Tim]
2. ALEXANDRA – 'I know all there is to know about the crying game'
Alex's VT starts happily enough with talk of her Best of British week success. She says it 'literally felt like she’d died and gone to Heaven.' Blasphemy aside, this is dumb. Louis Walsh wouldn't be anywhere near you if you were in Heaven.
Cheeky Take That boys Gary and Mark tell Alex she's very good but needs to shut the fuck up when she's not doing her two and half minutes of singing. To 'protect her instrument,' they say. Or they just want her to spout less drivel.
The VT then takes on a dramatic turn when we learn that Alex will have to sing and dance at the same time this week. This is apparently some great Olympian feat, that she'll probably fail to achieve, even though she's already done this three times by my count. Maybe it is very tricky and there is the need for all this VT drama. I would struggle to write this blog and dance at the same time after all. (Plus, I watched a repeat of Top Model where a girl was praised for her ability to walk and talk at the same time. I guess it's all relative.) But still - it seems like they're trying to invent some problem that isn't there.
The performance is very strong, particularly for an opening act. Her tone is rich and full like a Gastropub stew. She has drag queen hair though, which stretches her face and gives it very manly lumps and dimensions. Her mini dress also has more shiny bits than a born-woman could stand. Couple this with the fact that her voice is naturally hoarse and it probably was the tranniest I've ever seen a good-looking girl look. First there are kisses, then there are sighs. Sack the stylist.
Dannii is a bit of a Negative Nelly but the other 3 are very positive. None of them say 'Dude looks like a lady' so they’re obviously in good spirits. The always right Simon Cowell said it was one of the best versions of Relight My Fire he'd ever heard. There's been about 3 versions I think so that was weak praise. There is more talk of Alex shaking what her Momma gave her. Bitch needs to learn some new slang.
[This was an excellent performance but I think I want to go back to the old Leona-like, android Alexandra. Her attempts to sass the judges were embarrassing. – Will]
3. DIANA – 'I’m goin' down, I'm goin’ down'
As Diana couldn't meet Mariah Carey, she was doubly happy to meet the most famous ones from Take That that aren't Robbie. Gary gives her his phone number because he wants to sign her. Well, this is the reason he gives and I've no reason to mistrust him. The best part of her VT was that its backing track was the Pirates of the Caribbean theme. She talks funny and has big hair, yes, but she's not a pirate. This music choice was bizarre.
The verses of Diana's Patience are very good but the choruses are lame. Her slump into mediocrity breaks my Vickers-loving heart. Her voice is thoroughly drowned out by the backing track and the backing singers. Which begs the question: why have backing singers? Isn't the whole point of Diana that she’s folksy and acoustic? She rallies towards the end with strange noises and hauntingly pleasant wailing but it's still not great. I'm worried that she’s peaked too early. I said this about Leona though so I'm no Simon Cowell.
The judges are full of praise. Louis praises her for making the song sound contemporary. The song she did is not even 2 years old so this was either silly praise or a subtle Take That diss. Simon Cowell said he enjoyed the odd noises and Cheryl calls him Mrs. Cowell. I love that the gay jokes are coming from her now as well as from the men.
The best Diana moment this week came on the results show when she said she's 'had a taste of what her life could be like' and doesn’t want it to end. Showing your pants and yelping in front of millions sounds like a laugh so who can blame her!
[Diana has the most annoying speaking voice, emphasising seemingly random bits of words. Her singing is starting to grate too. I still like the Chewbacca-meets-Cranberries warbles but her inability to pronounce simple words is baffling. She really struggled to say the word Patience which is a quite big problem in a song where it's the most common word. I think this happens because she doesn't know many words and the production team have to write the song out phonetically for her. – Will]
[She couldn't say Smile either. Or Hallelujah. Couldn't someone check she can pronounce the title before giving her the song? – Tim]
4. EOGHAN – 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy'
Eoghan is very red-faced on his VT. Has he come straight from a wank? He looks bizarre. He tells us he has always been a huge Take That fan. He was 3 when they had their biggest hits so I call VT bullshit. He misses out the high notes during his boy band masterclass because he can't hit them. Gary tells him off for being a big wimp and makes him try them anyway. He struggles.
On stage, he lets the backing track do the high notes for him. Ha! I think this was a wonderful move and is even better because he's completely ignored Gary’s bad advice. Though only a fool would question Simon or Gary, I'm not sure why anyone would give Eoghan a song made up of notes he can't hit. The belting is very nice. They should have given him a song that involved mainly belting. It isn't hard.
Eoghan has gangsta chains and his hair is inexplicable. Dannii looks watery when watching him. There is a children's choir who sing the children's choir bit. Many of its members are taller than Eoghan.
Louis Walsh calls him Quiglet. Ha! Louis thinks he looks like a red-faced pig. Cheryl lusts for him though to make up for it and Simon sees pound signs. I grow increasingly anxious he'll win. Diana needs to get back up to standard sharpish to stop this.
[Eoghan was great again. I'm not sure if he's a Popstar but he can definitely sing. It was clear this week how much makeup they put on him for his performances, as in the VTs he looks about 12. My flatmate is very confused. She doesn't know whether she wants to mother him or sleep with him. Or perhaps both in some kind of Oedipal way? – Will]
5. JLS – ‘And as for fortune, and as for fame, I never invited them in’
People are calling them Jack the Lad Swing again. Jesus wept.
At their masterclass, the badass members of JLS are told not to hate each other. Or rather 'look after each other' because 'if one [badass boyband member] breaks away, it's all over.' Or it’s all over until you do a reunion tour, release a song called Patience and then become more successful than you were the first time. It's odd advice from the Take That boys, based so vaguely on real experience.
JLS do A Million Love Songs. I find the original boring so having it rehashed every year or so on this show doesn’t work for me. Shayne and Leona both did it better.
The performance is OK. The little one sings most of it and begins with a very thin voice. The moody growling kicks in after the first chorus and the vocals generally improve. That said, the little one's sex faces during the moody growling added nothing to my life.
The judges are positive but not too effusive. Simon backtracks from saying JLS are the show’s best band ever and instead says they are 'one of the best.' He clearly did this so as not to offend Same Difference, who are another band from this show and who were in the building. But also – Ha! It is the beginning of the end when Simon's praise becomes less ridiculous and overblown as the weeks go on.
JLS are in the bottom two and are very gallant. I think the sex faces are to blame. Louis introduces them as 4 of the 'nicest' people he knows. This doesn’t sway me. Louis clearly prefers the company of bitches. They sing a strange mash-up of Stand By Me and Beautiful Girls. Just like the mormon did on American Idol this spring. There’s nothing more badass than mormon covers of reggae-lite in the minds of JLS!
The bits that are Stand By Me are pleasant and the bits that are Beautiful Girls are rubbish. I think this may have something to do with the varying quality of both songs. They end by changing the words from 'Stand By Me' to 'Stand By JLS.' This is up there with ‘That’s Life – Westlife’ on my all-time list of brilliant lyric changes. Only it's far more desperate.
JLS stay but they can’t win now. No winner of this show has ever been in the bottom two (and half of the runner-ups kept a clean record too). Plus, they were bottom two on boy band week, despite being a boy band. They’ll take the bronze at best.
[JLS were decent but their real purpose was to serve as the intro to the highlight of the evening: the Louis-Dannii cat fight. I maintain that Dannii wasn't in fact crying but had had some kind of injury and was leaking botox. I'm sure the doctors will patch her up in time for next week. The amazing thing about the whole scene was that despite Dannii appearing to be a bit distressed, Louis was grinning like an idiot throughout. Perhaps he sold his soul in return for a night of passion with Westlife's Mark Feehily? - Will]
[To protect the blog from libel, I have Googled Westlife and Mark is in fact the gay one with the big lips. Who knew! What I want to know is: Why was there all this drama about Rule The World anyway when better songs like Back for Good went untouched? – Tim]
6. RACHEL – 'Ding dong. The witch is dead. Which old witch? The wicked witch!'
Rachel is introduced by her weeping mentor Dannii Minogue, fresh from being called a thief by Louis. The VT is miserable, focusing on Rachel's struggles and general unpopularity. She says being in the bottom two felt like someone 'kicked me in my guts.' Rubbish. She was grinning and bouncing and allegedly doing gun crime hand gestures at that poor widower last week. She loved it. I once again call VT bullshit. Louis says Rachel has 'no likability.' Ha! That was mean even by this show’s standards.
The verses are OK – 4 out of 10 OK – because she’s swapped in the foghorn noises for singing, even if it's not great singing. The choruses involve the most unpleasant wailing. There are also acrobats hanging from red sheets. It's unclear why and serves to highlight how empty the singing part of the performance is. Worst performance of the year.
The judges are positive about this mess. I'm past caring why. Dannii weeps some more.
She's in the bottom two. She's singing And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going (which you may have noted that I quoted last week for the Rachel part of this blog.) She calls it I'm Not Leaving by Dreamgirls. So does Dannii. Show some respect for the music, ladies. Please.
The song features the lyrics 'Yeah, I’ll scream and shout' which Rachel takes to heart. She makes bizarre, ugly noises and pulls trannified, ugly faces. The whole thing is dreadful and features a silly high note. She goes and justice is served. Though there remains the injustice of the nicer, better people leaving sooner.
[Rachel put in a quality performance but it's clear the public have it in for her. The judges told her that she has 'soul.' I half expected them to carry on by telling her to get back to the plantation and eat some chicken wings. More crude stereotyping. I'm a big fan of Rachel the judges were right when they said she was patchy. It was sad to see Rachel go after a pretty amazing go at that song from Dreamgirls but they were always going to put JLS through. - Will]
[A final thought: Her best bits montage struggled to find many positive comments from the judges and couldn’t help but show her shouting every week. Not beautiful, Spanish shouting. Bad shouting. – Tim]
In other news, my Mum calls Rhydian ‘my Rhydian.’ We’re not far off from him being called the son she never had. Are we?
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Recaplet - Same Difference and Same Old Shit
I love how everyone's forgotten about that fat girl going. She stole Manuel's thunder. I don't know who stole hers.
There were mentors, contestants, eliminations, tears, instances of pleasant wailing, instances of unpleasant wailing and celebrity guests.
Simon said world-class. Cheryl beamed. Dannii was a bit fake. Louis was a bit fake.
Full recap later in the week. There will be more guest columnist action.
There were mentors, contestants, eliminations, tears, instances of pleasant wailing, instances of unpleasant wailing and celebrity guests.
Simon said world-class. Cheryl beamed. Dannii was a bit fake. Louis was a bit fake.
Full recap later in the week. There will be more guest columnist action.
Thursday, 20 November 2008
Thex Factor 5 - Ooh, I Wanna Die
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. Last week there was a SHOCK ELIMINATION.
Someone sang very poorly and ended up in the bottom two. Keen blog fans will note the eliminated fat girl was in my bottom two too and that’s really saying something as I’m all about the divas.
She didn’t get enough votes and then was less good than Beautiful Spanish Ruth in the sing-off. SHOCK ELIMINATION. SHOCK ELIMINATION. What a load of rubbish.
2. This week was Best of British week.
This sadly stopped Beautiful Spanish Ruth from doing any Shakira but didn’t stop her from being awesome. More on that later. The Best of British didn’t necessarily mean songs by the deceased as Amy Winehouse and Coldplay counted. I found this week a little dull: couldn’t they have done less canonical songs? A song can be very good, or even the best, without being played at everyone’s weddings and office parties.
3. There are judges, contestants and also other people that I barely mention.
There’s this presenter called Dermot who looked better with the shaved head. He says God Bless at the end of the show because he’s not doing a school assembly and so he’s allowed. He also points out that Ruth isn’t British, defends JLS, and calls the Prince of Wales Sir. He’s not a Knight; he’s a Prince. This should be clear. Dermot’s less good this series.
There’s this woman called Yvie who teaches them all how to sing and there’s this man called Brian who teaches them all how to be dance / be danced at by whorish women. More on this later. Brian says very useful things in the VTs like ‘if x struggles to sing, remember the lyrics, dance or stand there well, x’s performance will be very bad.’ It is a shame he’s not a real judge.
4. We have a guest columnist this week.
This week’s guest columnist is called Matt. We are like BFFs and everything in the way that Laura and Diana were like BFFs and everything. Except we don’t hate each other. There are vacancies for future guest columnist spots – please see the job description on the previous post.
5. Leona was on.
She was beyond awesome. She sang her cover of Run off of that Radio show where people do wacky covers. It’s a big shame she didn’t do any masterclasses because what she doesn’t know about pleasant wailing isn’t worth knowing. It was the best X Factor performance since Leona did Bleeding Love last year. She got her knees out.
[The performance was good, the knees didn't do so much for me. – Matt]
On with the rankings….
1. RUTH – ‘Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story’
Before she performs, Dannii calls her Rock Chick Ruth Lorenzo. This is not her name. Her name is Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Or Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Dannii is failing me this series.
On her VT, we see Ruth and the twins being saved. We see Ruth taken over by terrible survivor guilt because that fat girl went home. It is sweet, and further reveals that Ruth is lovely, but ultimately – whatevs – the fat girl isn’t dead. The VT also shows Ruth looking over the Beautiful Mediterranean sea and thinking about how much she likes to sing. Her heaving bosom is very concealed on the VT: I wonder if it’s because Jimmy Carr calls her Titty Spaniard on that show? Don’t hide them, Ruth. Then he wins.
She sings Angels, which I hate, but she sings it awesomely from the first line and this takes the edge off. She’s singing with a lovely but raspy tone, which makes the whole affair less MOR. The wailing is impressive and very pleasant. There’s also rather hilarious choreography which involves these interpretative dancers flailing around her, then wrapping her in sheets to make big angel wings. It’s very literal and I like the literal.
The judges love it and emphasise that she deserves to still be in the contest, SHOCK ELIMINATION notwithstanding. The figure 110% is mentioned and then Ruth weeps because she’s very grateful for everything. She’s ace. I think there should be a Best of Spanish week just for Ruth. I might start backing her to win.
[I make that a 10% week-on-week improvement for Ruth – Simon said she only gave 100% last week – how did the lazy foreign not get eliminated for that?! – Matt]
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Easy like Sunday morning’
On her VT, Alexandra speaks of her Mariah week awesomeness and says afterwards she ‘felt like Beyonce’. Even though it was Mariah week. Ha! I wonder if Mariah spat at her or something because that was quite a diss. It was the first of many this week.
On the VT, we see Mamma Burke who gave Alex whatever she shook on disco week. We are also told that her performance will be ‘no frills’ and that this is a good thing. I’m not convinced. ‘No frills’ has echoes of ‘budget.’
She sings a ballad with about four lines and sings it very well. She has a lovely tone unlike that fat girl who was prone to making strange, shrill noises. It always stays the right side of dull but it probably strays nearer to that border than anyone would want.
Simon flirts with her because he’s single and wants a new girlfriend he’ll never marry. Alex is less scary than Sinitta so I approve of this match. Alex appears grateful and generally comes off well. She is much improved.
[The flipside is, you get funny outfits with Sinitta. I'm not sure what Alexandra brings to the table apart from being unfailingly polite, all "It was great" and "I really enjoyed it". Maybe she's been at the Leona Lewis School of Media Coaching. – Matt]
[Oh my god, your comments on Alex and Leona were so amazing. I feel really blessed and lucky. Thank you so much. - Tim]
3. JLS – ‘I love you more today than yesterday’
On their VT, JLS went home to the soundtrack of ‘You Are Not Alone’ because they were not alone. They were with people. I’ll say it again – I like the literal.
One’s Mum said ‘we’re so proud’ and her son seemed to say ‘me too’ back. Ha! Apart from that, their home visits were a bit toothless.
They’re doing a Beatles medley because they are the Other Fab Four. Double Ha! JLS are the new Beatles! Please. Louis tried this with Eton Road two years ago and only I enjoyed it.
The vocals are not bad but medleys are inherently lame and some of the transitions don’t work. The little one reveals a new talent for moody growling though so it is not a complete loss.
Dannii quite rightly said it wasn’t the right music for them as it’d never be on their album. A Beatles medley isn’t gangsta enough for JLS. Any fool can see that. Cheryl said the Beatles were the best British band ever which is a clear Girls Aloud diss. I’m sure at least one of her bandmates thinks they’re the best band ever and not just in Britain. Simon Cowell said it was gimmicky. It was my favourite of theirs because I am a sucker for moody growling. I didn’t enjoy it lots but they are third because this whole night was a bit of a bust.
[The best thing about JLS this week was after it ended, and Louis did that thing where he claps like a deranged seal. – Matt]
4. DIANA – ‘The bitch is back’
On her VT, we see Diana being ill and being a cheat and crying a lot. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. Laura to win.
Diana says she doesn’t want a free pass and wants to compete. She has moxie.
Diana goes back to school and rather awkwardly says it was ‘like looking down on her old life.’ Ohmygod she looks down on people. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. Laura to win. Sign my petition.
Diana’s performance seemed force this week. The yelping has got a bit old and she didn’t seem to know what she was singing about. Possibly because the song (Yellow) isn’t actually about anything. It picked up a bit when the pleasant wailing kicked in – and the handflapping was top drawer – but it was her worst performance yet by far.
The judges acknowledged it wasn’t her best performance or vocal. Simon said he missed her last week. As did I. The only nice comments from the judges were related to her past awesomeness rather than to tonight’s performance. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for next week.
[Diana's been one of the stronger acts up until now, but this was awful. It was like watching her channel that bint out of The Cranberries. I'd quite happily forgotten that band, thank you very much for reminding me Diana. Oh, and before the ads, Dermot said she was 'itching' to get back. I don't doubt it with that hair, god knows what's living in it. - Matt]
5. DEADWIFE – ‘Oh oh you better stop before you tear me all apart’
Deadwife is on first because they clearly want shot of him. On his VT, we learn he’s from Leyton and I will take it on trust that this place really exists. I’m confused because I thought he was Australian and not from this ‘Leyton.’ Either way, his accent is bizarre.
On his VT he hugged his Mum and Louis’s heart grew two sizes that day. Oh and Brian says if Daniel’s performance goes badly, it will be bad. True that.
He sings Tom Jones next to a car made for midgets and there is more whoring around with lady dancers. These dancers are wearing JLS-style different coloured matching outfits. It’s fair to say that Deadwife is not committing to the choreography, even when his jacket is ‘sexily’ peeled off him by the lady dancers. His vocals are a flat and wobbly, especially when he has to sing staccato.
The lady judges are positive. Louis acts like a bitter old queen. Simon said Deadwife was like ‘a drunk dad at a wedding’ but this wasn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s not until the lawsuits come.
Deadwife is in the bottom two and is a good sport about it. He sings Bridge over Troubled Water well for him but not as good as when Rhydian or Leona done it. There was some pleasant belting though.
He goes home and I’m a little sad because he hasn’t been last on the rankings that often and because that sow is still around. Plus, I’m more inclined to believe he wasn’t exploiting the backstory by choice because he hasn’t mentioned her for a while. Bye bye Daniel: you get your real name back now that you’re a civilian.
[Those dancers really didn't have any flair, but I'll blame the black hole of charisma that is Daniel for that. Cheryl's only thought was that Daniel did well to get out of the aforementioned car. - Matt]
[Ha! I know. Cheryl though beautiful and not a racist does struggle to patronise people politely. – Tim]
6. EOGHAN – ‘When I grow up, I wanna be famous’
On Eoghan’s VT, he goes back to small-town Ireland where there are no premieres, celebrity masterclasses or girls who dance. His brothers all look like him and are either very nice or very well-trained. Eoghan is scared after the SHOCK ELIMINATION last week because it shows that great singers are leaving. Oh Quigg, if the good singers are leaving, this bodes well for you. Stop your worrying.
He sings a George Michael ballad that I don’t know as it isn’t Praying for Time or any of the hilarious 90s dance ones. This song isn’t Too Funky for anyone. (Someone really should have done Too Funky. I will when I get through to the final 12.)
Eoghan sounds nervous and whispery and there is a very silly high note. That said, the belting was fine.
The judges are positive and praise Eoghan for not doing easy songs. Louis Walsh says ‘you’ll be in the final’ as if this is huge, unexpected praise. Walsh, this was established weeks ago. Probably around the time Eoghan sung that song about a pet rat. Now it’s us, now it’s we. You remember. Cheryl tells Eoghan: ‘you scare me for the final.’ Eoghan doesn’t scare me and I’m much less hard than celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. We’ll assume she means ‘I’m scared Eoghan will beat Diana or Mamma Burke’s daughter.’ I’m scared that will happen too.
[Eoghan turned X Factor tradition on its head this week by singing for his sister who has been born. That's no way to play the game, boy! Loved the VT as well, which played Home by Westlife (who are Irish) as Eoghan (who is Irish) WENT HOME! Yet more literal genius from the production team. – Matt]
7. RACHEL – ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’
Please go, you dreadful woman.
From her VT, we learn she’s doing it her way again. Because last week went so well? When she was out of tune and cried during and after the song? We also learn Rachel doesn’t live in the X Factor house because she has kids. Why did they make Daniel do it then? Hasn’t he been through enough? She’s infuriating.
She sings You Know I’m No Good, which was her audition song. It’s unfortunate she’s doing the same song as it doesn’t add to a sense that she can sing many songs well. Its title is also unfortunate what with her being in prison and what with her being no good almost every time she sings.
I watched the show with my guest columnist for this week and we both laughed when she sang her first line. The vocal doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s very affected in that she wants desperately to be Amy Winehouse. But also she’s doing weird Shirley Bassey notes. And she whores around on the judges’ table. This does not scream ‘credible recording artist.’ It screams ‘Bluecoat with an attitude’ and we already had one of them. He drank in Shayne Ward’s pub so he at least had something going for him.
Cheryl said she’d buy Rachel’s album. She has more money than sense. And there won’t be an album so it’s silly praise. Three judges love it for whatever reason and Rachel does a mad shout-out to Hackney. As you do. Louis Walsh said it was a bit Stars In Their Eyes. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be shit.
I just don’t get it.
She’s in the bottom two and takes it better than last time. She says she’s singing ‘One Love’ by Mary J Blige, meaning she’ll be singing ‘One’ by U2. Ha! Bono diss!
She does a weird bouncy arrangement of it and Simon rightly says it was disposable. She has no idea what she’s singing and no idea of what to do with her voice. She stays.
[The opening was indeed ridiculous. She tried to do Winehouse with a kind of jaunty enunciation. It just made me think she was planning a crime and giggling at it. Then 'One' sounded like someone had punched her in the face and she had no teeth. Of course, if that happened, she'd sail through to the final on the story. In real life though, I'm convinced she'll go next week. – Matt]
[I agree. There can’t be much more air left in this shouty balloon. Can there? – Tim]
In other news, my Dad is losing interest in the X Factor and becoming ever more posh. If he misses the show, he doesn’t bother to watch the repeat if he knows who’s been voted awf. I think he's pissing away his chance at being a guest columnist with that attitude.
1. Last week there was a SHOCK ELIMINATION.
Someone sang very poorly and ended up in the bottom two. Keen blog fans will note the eliminated fat girl was in my bottom two too and that’s really saying something as I’m all about the divas.
She didn’t get enough votes and then was less good than Beautiful Spanish Ruth in the sing-off. SHOCK ELIMINATION. SHOCK ELIMINATION. What a load of rubbish.
2. This week was Best of British week.
This sadly stopped Beautiful Spanish Ruth from doing any Shakira but didn’t stop her from being awesome. More on that later. The Best of British didn’t necessarily mean songs by the deceased as Amy Winehouse and Coldplay counted. I found this week a little dull: couldn’t they have done less canonical songs? A song can be very good, or even the best, without being played at everyone’s weddings and office parties.
3. There are judges, contestants and also other people that I barely mention.
There’s this presenter called Dermot who looked better with the shaved head. He says God Bless at the end of the show because he’s not doing a school assembly and so he’s allowed. He also points out that Ruth isn’t British, defends JLS, and calls the Prince of Wales Sir. He’s not a Knight; he’s a Prince. This should be clear. Dermot’s less good this series.
There’s this woman called Yvie who teaches them all how to sing and there’s this man called Brian who teaches them all how to be dance / be danced at by whorish women. More on this later. Brian says very useful things in the VTs like ‘if x struggles to sing, remember the lyrics, dance or stand there well, x’s performance will be very bad.’ It is a shame he’s not a real judge.
4. We have a guest columnist this week.
This week’s guest columnist is called Matt. We are like BFFs and everything in the way that Laura and Diana were like BFFs and everything. Except we don’t hate each other. There are vacancies for future guest columnist spots – please see the job description on the previous post.
5. Leona was on.
She was beyond awesome. She sang her cover of Run off of that Radio show where people do wacky covers. It’s a big shame she didn’t do any masterclasses because what she doesn’t know about pleasant wailing isn’t worth knowing. It was the best X Factor performance since Leona did Bleeding Love last year. She got her knees out.
[The performance was good, the knees didn't do so much for me. – Matt]
On with the rankings….
1. RUTH – ‘Underneath your clothes, there’s an endless story’
Before she performs, Dannii calls her Rock Chick Ruth Lorenzo. This is not her name. Her name is Beautiful Spanish Ruth. Or Lorenzo, Lorenzo. Dannii is failing me this series.
On her VT, we see Ruth and the twins being saved. We see Ruth taken over by terrible survivor guilt because that fat girl went home. It is sweet, and further reveals that Ruth is lovely, but ultimately – whatevs – the fat girl isn’t dead. The VT also shows Ruth looking over the Beautiful Mediterranean sea and thinking about how much she likes to sing. Her heaving bosom is very concealed on the VT: I wonder if it’s because Jimmy Carr calls her Titty Spaniard on that show? Don’t hide them, Ruth. Then he wins.
She sings Angels, which I hate, but she sings it awesomely from the first line and this takes the edge off. She’s singing with a lovely but raspy tone, which makes the whole affair less MOR. The wailing is impressive and very pleasant. There’s also rather hilarious choreography which involves these interpretative dancers flailing around her, then wrapping her in sheets to make big angel wings. It’s very literal and I like the literal.
The judges love it and emphasise that she deserves to still be in the contest, SHOCK ELIMINATION notwithstanding. The figure 110% is mentioned and then Ruth weeps because she’s very grateful for everything. She’s ace. I think there should be a Best of Spanish week just for Ruth. I might start backing her to win.
[I make that a 10% week-on-week improvement for Ruth – Simon said she only gave 100% last week – how did the lazy foreign not get eliminated for that?! – Matt]
2. ALEXANDRA – ‘Easy like Sunday morning’
On her VT, Alexandra speaks of her Mariah week awesomeness and says afterwards she ‘felt like Beyonce’. Even though it was Mariah week. Ha! I wonder if Mariah spat at her or something because that was quite a diss. It was the first of many this week.
On the VT, we see Mamma Burke who gave Alex whatever she shook on disco week. We are also told that her performance will be ‘no frills’ and that this is a good thing. I’m not convinced. ‘No frills’ has echoes of ‘budget.’
She sings a ballad with about four lines and sings it very well. She has a lovely tone unlike that fat girl who was prone to making strange, shrill noises. It always stays the right side of dull but it probably strays nearer to that border than anyone would want.
Simon flirts with her because he’s single and wants a new girlfriend he’ll never marry. Alex is less scary than Sinitta so I approve of this match. Alex appears grateful and generally comes off well. She is much improved.
[The flipside is, you get funny outfits with Sinitta. I'm not sure what Alexandra brings to the table apart from being unfailingly polite, all "It was great" and "I really enjoyed it". Maybe she's been at the Leona Lewis School of Media Coaching. – Matt]
[Oh my god, your comments on Alex and Leona were so amazing. I feel really blessed and lucky. Thank you so much. - Tim]
3. JLS – ‘I love you more today than yesterday’
On their VT, JLS went home to the soundtrack of ‘You Are Not Alone’ because they were not alone. They were with people. I’ll say it again – I like the literal.
One’s Mum said ‘we’re so proud’ and her son seemed to say ‘me too’ back. Ha! Apart from that, their home visits were a bit toothless.
They’re doing a Beatles medley because they are the Other Fab Four. Double Ha! JLS are the new Beatles! Please. Louis tried this with Eton Road two years ago and only I enjoyed it.
The vocals are not bad but medleys are inherently lame and some of the transitions don’t work. The little one reveals a new talent for moody growling though so it is not a complete loss.
Dannii quite rightly said it wasn’t the right music for them as it’d never be on their album. A Beatles medley isn’t gangsta enough for JLS. Any fool can see that. Cheryl said the Beatles were the best British band ever which is a clear Girls Aloud diss. I’m sure at least one of her bandmates thinks they’re the best band ever and not just in Britain. Simon Cowell said it was gimmicky. It was my favourite of theirs because I am a sucker for moody growling. I didn’t enjoy it lots but they are third because this whole night was a bit of a bust.
[The best thing about JLS this week was after it ended, and Louis did that thing where he claps like a deranged seal. – Matt]
4. DIANA – ‘The bitch is back’
On her VT, we see Diana being ill and being a cheat and crying a lot. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. It’s a fix. Laura to win.
Diana says she doesn’t want a free pass and wants to compete. She has moxie.
Diana goes back to school and rather awkwardly says it was ‘like looking down on her old life.’ Ohmygod she looks down on people. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. She’s a bitch. Laura to win. Sign my petition.
Diana’s performance seemed force this week. The yelping has got a bit old and she didn’t seem to know what she was singing about. Possibly because the song (Yellow) isn’t actually about anything. It picked up a bit when the pleasant wailing kicked in – and the handflapping was top drawer – but it was her worst performance yet by far.
The judges acknowledged it wasn’t her best performance or vocal. Simon said he missed her last week. As did I. The only nice comments from the judges were related to her past awesomeness rather than to tonight’s performance. Hopefully she’ll sort it out for next week.
[Diana's been one of the stronger acts up until now, but this was awful. It was like watching her channel that bint out of The Cranberries. I'd quite happily forgotten that band, thank you very much for reminding me Diana. Oh, and before the ads, Dermot said she was 'itching' to get back. I don't doubt it with that hair, god knows what's living in it. - Matt]
5. DEADWIFE – ‘Oh oh you better stop before you tear me all apart’
Deadwife is on first because they clearly want shot of him. On his VT, we learn he’s from Leyton and I will take it on trust that this place really exists. I’m confused because I thought he was Australian and not from this ‘Leyton.’ Either way, his accent is bizarre.
On his VT he hugged his Mum and Louis’s heart grew two sizes that day. Oh and Brian says if Daniel’s performance goes badly, it will be bad. True that.
He sings Tom Jones next to a car made for midgets and there is more whoring around with lady dancers. These dancers are wearing JLS-style different coloured matching outfits. It’s fair to say that Deadwife is not committing to the choreography, even when his jacket is ‘sexily’ peeled off him by the lady dancers. His vocals are a flat and wobbly, especially when he has to sing staccato.
The lady judges are positive. Louis acts like a bitter old queen. Simon said Deadwife was like ‘a drunk dad at a wedding’ but this wasn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s not until the lawsuits come.
Deadwife is in the bottom two and is a good sport about it. He sings Bridge over Troubled Water well for him but not as good as when Rhydian or Leona done it. There was some pleasant belting though.
He goes home and I’m a little sad because he hasn’t been last on the rankings that often and because that sow is still around. Plus, I’m more inclined to believe he wasn’t exploiting the backstory by choice because he hasn’t mentioned her for a while. Bye bye Daniel: you get your real name back now that you’re a civilian.
[Those dancers really didn't have any flair, but I'll blame the black hole of charisma that is Daniel for that. Cheryl's only thought was that Daniel did well to get out of the aforementioned car. - Matt]
[Ha! I know. Cheryl though beautiful and not a racist does struggle to patronise people politely. – Tim]
6. EOGHAN – ‘When I grow up, I wanna be famous’
On Eoghan’s VT, he goes back to small-town Ireland where there are no premieres, celebrity masterclasses or girls who dance. His brothers all look like him and are either very nice or very well-trained. Eoghan is scared after the SHOCK ELIMINATION last week because it shows that great singers are leaving. Oh Quigg, if the good singers are leaving, this bodes well for you. Stop your worrying.
He sings a George Michael ballad that I don’t know as it isn’t Praying for Time or any of the hilarious 90s dance ones. This song isn’t Too Funky for anyone. (Someone really should have done Too Funky. I will when I get through to the final 12.)
Eoghan sounds nervous and whispery and there is a very silly high note. That said, the belting was fine.
The judges are positive and praise Eoghan for not doing easy songs. Louis Walsh says ‘you’ll be in the final’ as if this is huge, unexpected praise. Walsh, this was established weeks ago. Probably around the time Eoghan sung that song about a pet rat. Now it’s us, now it’s we. You remember. Cheryl tells Eoghan: ‘you scare me for the final.’ Eoghan doesn’t scare me and I’m much less hard than celebrity thug Cheryl Cole. We’ll assume she means ‘I’m scared Eoghan will beat Diana or Mamma Burke’s daughter.’ I’m scared that will happen too.
[Eoghan turned X Factor tradition on its head this week by singing for his sister who has been born. That's no way to play the game, boy! Loved the VT as well, which played Home by Westlife (who are Irish) as Eoghan (who is Irish) WENT HOME! Yet more literal genius from the production team. – Matt]
7. RACHEL – ‘And I am telling you I’m not going’
Please go, you dreadful woman.
From her VT, we learn she’s doing it her way again. Because last week went so well? When she was out of tune and cried during and after the song? We also learn Rachel doesn’t live in the X Factor house because she has kids. Why did they make Daniel do it then? Hasn’t he been through enough? She’s infuriating.
She sings You Know I’m No Good, which was her audition song. It’s unfortunate she’s doing the same song as it doesn’t add to a sense that she can sing many songs well. Its title is also unfortunate what with her being in prison and what with her being no good almost every time she sings.
I watched the show with my guest columnist for this week and we both laughed when she sang her first line. The vocal doesn’t work on so many levels. It’s very affected in that she wants desperately to be Amy Winehouse. But also she’s doing weird Shirley Bassey notes. And she whores around on the judges’ table. This does not scream ‘credible recording artist.’ It screams ‘Bluecoat with an attitude’ and we already had one of them. He drank in Shayne Ward’s pub so he at least had something going for him.
Cheryl said she’d buy Rachel’s album. She has more money than sense. And there won’t be an album so it’s silly praise. Three judges love it for whatever reason and Rachel does a mad shout-out to Hackney. As you do. Louis Walsh said it was a bit Stars In Their Eyes. Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be shit.
I just don’t get it.
She’s in the bottom two and takes it better than last time. She says she’s singing ‘One Love’ by Mary J Blige, meaning she’ll be singing ‘One’ by U2. Ha! Bono diss!
She does a weird bouncy arrangement of it and Simon rightly says it was disposable. She has no idea what she’s singing and no idea of what to do with her voice. She stays.
[The opening was indeed ridiculous. She tried to do Winehouse with a kind of jaunty enunciation. It just made me think she was planning a crime and giggling at it. Then 'One' sounded like someone had punched her in the face and she had no teeth. Of course, if that happened, she'd sail through to the final on the story. In real life though, I'm convinced she'll go next week. – Matt]
[I agree. There can’t be much more air left in this shouty balloon. Can there? – Tim]
In other news, my Dad is losing interest in the X Factor and becoming ever more posh. If he misses the show, he doesn’t bother to watch the repeat if he knows who’s been voted awf. I think he's pissing away his chance at being a guest columnist with that attitude.
Tuesday, 18 November 2008
VACANCY - Do you have the Thex Factor?
I have news that is as surprising and exciting as the SHOCK ELIMINATION of a fat girl.
This week's recap will be a bit late because I've acquired a GUEST COLUMNIST. There will be more guest columnists throughout the show. I'm going to ask more people so that I can have a different guest (or even 2) every week.
But in the spirit of the show you can also audition for the role.
Job description:
1. You have to write snippy, slightly queeny comments about these terrible people that can be incorporated into the hilarious blog, with credit of course
2. You should give 110% but you cannot steal focus
3. You should be tactful and professional at all times - just like when Will Young gently told people they shouted or were dead inside
4. Cheryl Cole should weep at your backstory and/or ability
5. Simon should think you potentially world-class
6. Louis should think you could dance more
7. Dannii should be jealous of your youth & beauty
If you're interested, please e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com or send a message some other way.
This week's recap will be a bit late because I've acquired a GUEST COLUMNIST. There will be more guest columnists throughout the show. I'm going to ask more people so that I can have a different guest (or even 2) every week.
But in the spirit of the show you can also audition for the role.
Job description:
1. You have to write snippy, slightly queeny comments about these terrible people that can be incorporated into the hilarious blog, with credit of course
2. You should give 110% but you cannot steal focus
3. You should be tactful and professional at all times - just like when Will Young gently told people they shouted or were dead inside
4. Cheryl Cole should weep at your backstory and/or ability
5. Simon should think you potentially world-class
6. Louis should think you could dance more
7. Dannii should be jealous of your youth & beauty
If you're interested, please e-mail me at timrussell641@btinternet.com or send a message some other way.
Sunday, 16 November 2008
Recaplet - The 'Best'
A is for Alexandra shaking what her momma gave her
B is for But it’s my dream, Simon
C is for Cheryl Cole’s grammar
D is for Dead wives
E is for Eliminations – SHOCK ELIMINATIONS at that
F is for Foghorn vocals
G is for Gay Jokes about the male judges
H is for Heaving Spanish bosoms
I is for I don’t want to patronise you
J is for JLS’s coats of many colours
K is for Kylie Minogue’s beautiful popstar sister
L is for Leona sells lots of records, you know
M is for Mentors of both genders
N is for Notaracist and how I still find writing that funny
O is for One hundred and ten percent
P is for Potentially worldclass
Q is for Quigg – such a beautiful name
R is for Rachel gon giv it 2 ya
S is for Shayne Ward’s pub and all those who drink in it
T is for This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me
U is for Underpants strangely bared during Blondie songs
V is for Votes cast and dreams dashed
W is for Wailing both pleasant and unpleasant
X is for X Factor, The
Y is for You made the song your own
Z is for Z-list
Deadwife is gone. Full recap later in the week.
B is for But it’s my dream, Simon
C is for Cheryl Cole’s grammar
D is for Dead wives
E is for Eliminations – SHOCK ELIMINATIONS at that
F is for Foghorn vocals
G is for Gay Jokes about the male judges
H is for Heaving Spanish bosoms
I is for I don’t want to patronise you
J is for JLS’s coats of many colours
K is for Kylie Minogue’s beautiful popstar sister
L is for Leona sells lots of records, you know
M is for Mentors of both genders
N is for Notaracist and how I still find writing that funny
O is for One hundred and ten percent
P is for Potentially worldclass
Q is for Quigg – such a beautiful name
R is for Rachel gon giv it 2 ya
S is for Shayne Ward’s pub and all those who drink in it
T is for This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me
U is for Underpants strangely bared during Blondie songs
V is for Votes cast and dreams dashed
W is for Wailing both pleasant and unpleasant
X is for X Factor, The
Y is for You made the song your own
Z is for Z-list
Deadwife is gone. Full recap later in the week.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
Thex Factor 4 – There Can Be Miracles
These are the salient facts before we begin.
1. The contestants are at #1.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero, which is about a Hero lying in you. So it’s either about self-esteem or a conjoined twin. This cover is for charity and so emphasises the first of these two options. It’s sold a lot.
2. It was Mariah Carey week.
The whole thing was awesome. I do like Mariah Carey very much. I know all the words to all the songs. Obv. This will give everyone a remarkable insight into sexuality and behaviour. I’m sure many Undergraduate theses have been devoted to the correlation between divas and faggots. Thing is though – I don’t have a lisp and I wasn’t abused as a child so, as stereotypes go, I’m happy with ‘ooh he likes Mariah Carey.’
There were two performances by her and she had enormous hair all night. There were also masterclasses where Mariah said she liked everything. She sadly didn’t tell anyone to stop shouting or stop being emotionally vacant so these masterclasses were less useful than Will Young’s, which were rather jolly good.
The much-vaunted duet with the contestants on Hero turned out to be more awesome than I had predicted. The duet basically involved MC singing Hero by herself and then the contestants coming out in white at the end and singing backup. Without microphones. Ha!
She is the coolest person ever. I’m sure Leona Lewis would have given them all microphones, an affirmation and a bag of vegan fudge but a true diva doesn’t give a mic to these dickheads.
3. Diana wasn’t there.
On an overblown VT laced with epic music, we learn she had laryngitis so she couldn’t rehearse, she couldn’t meet Mariah (which apparently she was bothered by) and then this photogenic doctor said she couldn’t sing at all.
Diana was upset and to prove this cried hot, Mariah-loving tears.
This is all a big a shame as she would have been very much in her comfort zone. Mariah Carey week demands big hair, pleasant wailing and constant hand-flapping and little else.
She gets to go through automatically which is a bit off. I think people should’ve still had to vote for her and they could’ve shown one of her auditions or something. Still, Diana for the win!
With extra special Mariah lyrics for one week only, let’s get on with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘I can stand up once again’
On her VT, Alexandra was considerably less boring this week. She spoke of her success during disco week and said she ‘shook what [her] Momma gave her.’ This made me like her. A bit.
She meets Mariah Carey and is a bit fangirl but at least doesn’t try to touch her constantly. Mariah is an odd mix of scared and bored, her facial expression like that of a drunk being groped. Alex is very happy with this masterclass and says ‘dreams can come true.’ Yes, there can be miracles when you believe, hold on tight, don’t let go and a hero lies in you. We get it.
She sings and is awesome. The song builds subtly from ‘moody’ mid 90s diva growling to ‘powerful’ mid 90s diva wailing. The arrangement is very good also and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that her little X Factor snippet is two minutes shorter than most versions of this song. She also does her own runs rather than copying Mariah’s, which is even more impressive when you consider how many times Alexandra has probably sung along to Mariah’s version.
(I have listened to Without You probably a thousand times. I used to put this on in yellow pubs to annoy the students. It’s not on there anymore. It’s a great shame.)
There’s a lot on the Internet and in the papers about Laura’s SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice this week but Alexandra’s performance just highlights how bad Laura was. Hers was right for the all the same reasons that Laura’s was so wrong.
Alex is the only contestant to get a standing ovation from the judges. Rightly so. She also gets compared to Whitney, Mariah and to Toni Braxton, the forgotten 90s diva.
I had written off Alex but I have faith again. Well done her.
2. RUTH – ‘And it’s just like honey’
On her VT, Ruth is lovely and Spanish. But we discover she’s backtracking a bit on the whole ‘Don’t make me your token Spaniard’ thing by becoming a sexy Senorita for the night. Tramp.
When Ruth meets Mariah, she gets a bit emotional and to prove this cries beautiful, Mediterranean tears.
She sings My All, which I’d have given to Diana if her voice wasn’t busted like a bad weave. It’s one of Mariah’s quieter songs but it’s still a bit big for Ruth. She should’ve done a more acoustic version so this would’ve been less of an issue. Turns out Ruth can only belt pleasantly when doing male rock songs. More on that in a few paragraphs.
The judges appreciate that she’s trying and that she’s good, if not awesome. Simon makes at least one joke about her boobs, which are very big and very present this week. We then learn that she sang with Mama Lorenzo’s scarf draped on her chair.
Sadly the scarf and a good performance aren’t enough to save her from her bottom two.
She sang Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door and it was a bit like her cover of Purple Rain in that
1. it’s better than any of the songs she’s been told to sing
2. it’s sung most famously by a man
3. she shouts well during it
But Purple Rain was a surprise because no one knew she could shout so very well. The judges save her, except for Laura’s not racist mentor. To clear things up - Simon and Louis did NOT save Ruth because she was less of a threat to their acts – Diana has been on her winning lap for weeks. Ruth sang and shouted more pleasantly than Laura on both songs. I’ve no time for this SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice nonsense.
3. EOGHAN – ‘And I learned many things little ones shouldn’t know’
Eoghan is first up tonight. This is surprising as people who perform first are more likely to end up in the bottom two and I imagine Simon would like Eoghan to do well.
On his VT we learn Eoghan had fun disco dancing with girls on stage last week. He says he’s ‘never done anything like that before.’ I know the ‘I’m a small boy from a small town with a big dream’ thing attract votes but come on – there are girls who dance in small-town Ireland. I call VT bullshit.
In his Mariah masterclass, he gets called pretty. Ha! Eoghan is made so sexless every week. You know he’s going to do a Dirrty in a few years, and dance in piss water, to shake off his squeaky clean image. He’s singing tonight for his baby sister, because family is everything etc. etc.
His performance is better than it should be. He sings Anytime You Need A Friend which is a big song and involves trying to sing over a big gospel choir. I assume their mics were turned down because Eoghan somehow achieves this. There are impressive runs and tuneful quiet bits.
The judges love it and rightly so. It’s a song I skip when listening to Mariah, reading fashion magazines and rimming bikers but I enjoyed this performance. Plus, a sixteen year-old boy singing Mariah well is impressive.
Louis doesn’t like his hair though. Queen.
4. DEADWIFE – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven’
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Deadwife was good this week. He didn’t sing any of the many Mariah songs about death. He didn’t mention his dead wife and he sang a love song called Open Arms that is about hugging someone who’s alive and who you might not even be married to. Viva la Deadwife!
On his VT, we learn he has all the Mariah records. I do too but this doesn’t make me like him much more. We also learn that he can’t do key changes. Again, this doesn’t make me like him much more.
He sings with a hilarious, burning forest graphic backdrop. It is a bit earnest and a bit dated but that said, when he’s not grinning, winking or eulogising, he’s not that bad. I actively enjoyed it and I’ve had little time for Deadwife so he’s truly earned this illustrious fourth place.
The male judges were a bit snippy but even they acknowledged it was a lot better than normal. Cheryl said it was ‘my best performance of yours,’ which is hilariously self-obsessed praise. Simon said it was ‘Ok’ and Deadwife said ‘that means so much to me.’ Deadwife clearly has my Daddy issues. This would explain his owning so many Mariah records and the fact he enjoys a mean man calling him ‘ok’ so much.
5. JLS – ‘When I talk smack, y’all better skip back’
On their VT, they make fun of Louis and this disappoints me. They’ve gone from rudeboys to just plain rude boys this week. Shame on them.
They sing One Sweet Day because they are the new Boyz II Men. In their masterclass, one tells Mariah that he fancies her because he has little understanding of social interaction. She’s a married woman.
During their performance, they are very nasal and their voices are very thin. They look up to Heaven to make the complex lyrics about Heaven easier to understand. You can’t hear them at times.
The judges love it bar Cheryl who thought it was all a bit Westlife. Ha! Simon thinks they’ll make the final. I agree with both judges. Louis makes a bizarre Obama reference because the X Factor has never had a black president. I think that’s what he’s going for. It doesn’t make any sense what with Leona Lewis winning and everything.
6. LAURA – ‘No I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you out of my mind’
On her VT, we are reminded that last week Simon intimated she was fat and dressed poorly. She was very hurt and to prove this cried fat, poorly-dressed tears.
She plays the piano, which is ambitious on Mariah Carey week. It proves she’s an artist etc. etc.
She sings Endless Love and so is one of four contestants to sing a Mariah song that Mariah didn’t write. Cover of a cover alert!
The first half has a few bars of pointless piano-playing and has a lot of high notes. This was ill-advised as Laura’s voice kind of disappears, and her diction becomes dreadful, when she goes into vibrato. The first half doesn’t work.
The second half has her shouting but not disco rocker Diana shouting and not emotionally-wrought, Hispanic Ruth shouting. It’s an affected girl shouting for no reason and stretching her face in very ugly ways. The second half doesn’t work.
These two halves together are completely incongruous and put together make the whole performance seem completely fake. It didn’t work.
Simon said it was old-fashioned and one of her weakest. I agree and not just because Simon is always right.
It turns out singing badly didn’t attract many fans and Laura made a SHOCK appearance in the bottom two. She sang Over The Rainbow and it was no better. That song’s also a really overdone one on these shows and choosing it was rather shameless way to please Simon.
They go on about Laura being The Voice but she sang without power, subtletly, expression, clarity or individuality. So why is The Voice worth listening to? I say the Emperor had no clothes tonight. Or at least, the Emperor was fat and poorly-dressed.
Laura was shockingly eliminated in a SHOCK ELIMINATION and I was glad because Ruth was better.
7. RACHEL – ‘I got a motherfuckin’ heater ready to blaze somebody’
On her VT, we are shown Rachel giving 110% at being a twat. She has a big tantrum – with whining and stomping – and is generally mean to beautiful popstar mentor Dannii Minogue.
In her masterclass, Rachel speaks of her great problem being controlled by her beautiful popstar mentor and how this is the reason why she’s so shit most weeks. Mariah Carey empathises as she has been controlled in her career too. Ha! Dannii Minogue is the new Tommy Mottola.
Rachel spends her song about to cry. She is hoarse and she is shouty. Being shouty during Mariah Carey this week is pretty hard to achieve but her and Laura managed it. She looks glassy and her voice is shot.
The judges like Rachel’s personality – it’s unclear why – but didn’t enjoy the performance. Cheryl said it was uncomfortable watching someone who’s uncomfortable. Rachel has a tissue ready and is very upset. She proves this with vote-courting, Minogue-hating tears. She is not in the bottom two.
I think it’s fair to say Rachel won’t win. I will also hypothesise that there’ll be no album and that she’ll struggle to get work in musical theatre.
In other news, my parents weren’t bothered by this week’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. Austin going was a ‘travesty’ but Laura going is fine because my Dad thought she had ‘a rubbery face.’
1. The contestants are at #1.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero, which is about a Hero lying in you. So it’s either about self-esteem or a conjoined twin. This cover is for charity and so emphasises the first of these two options. It’s sold a lot.
2. It was Mariah Carey week.
The whole thing was awesome. I do like Mariah Carey very much. I know all the words to all the songs. Obv. This will give everyone a remarkable insight into sexuality and behaviour. I’m sure many Undergraduate theses have been devoted to the correlation between divas and faggots. Thing is though – I don’t have a lisp and I wasn’t abused as a child so, as stereotypes go, I’m happy with ‘ooh he likes Mariah Carey.’
There were two performances by her and she had enormous hair all night. There were also masterclasses where Mariah said she liked everything. She sadly didn’t tell anyone to stop shouting or stop being emotionally vacant so these masterclasses were less useful than Will Young’s, which were rather jolly good.
The much-vaunted duet with the contestants on Hero turned out to be more awesome than I had predicted. The duet basically involved MC singing Hero by herself and then the contestants coming out in white at the end and singing backup. Without microphones. Ha!
She is the coolest person ever. I’m sure Leona Lewis would have given them all microphones, an affirmation and a bag of vegan fudge but a true diva doesn’t give a mic to these dickheads.
3. Diana wasn’t there.
On an overblown VT laced with epic music, we learn she had laryngitis so she couldn’t rehearse, she couldn’t meet Mariah (which apparently she was bothered by) and then this photogenic doctor said she couldn’t sing at all.
Diana was upset and to prove this cried hot, Mariah-loving tears.
This is all a big a shame as she would have been very much in her comfort zone. Mariah Carey week demands big hair, pleasant wailing and constant hand-flapping and little else.
She gets to go through automatically which is a bit off. I think people should’ve still had to vote for her and they could’ve shown one of her auditions or something. Still, Diana for the win!
With extra special Mariah lyrics for one week only, let’s get on with the rankings….
1. ALEXANDRA – ‘I can stand up once again’
On her VT, Alexandra was considerably less boring this week. She spoke of her success during disco week and said she ‘shook what [her] Momma gave her.’ This made me like her. A bit.
She meets Mariah Carey and is a bit fangirl but at least doesn’t try to touch her constantly. Mariah is an odd mix of scared and bored, her facial expression like that of a drunk being groped. Alex is very happy with this masterclass and says ‘dreams can come true.’ Yes, there can be miracles when you believe, hold on tight, don’t let go and a hero lies in you. We get it.
She sings and is awesome. The song builds subtly from ‘moody’ mid 90s diva growling to ‘powerful’ mid 90s diva wailing. The arrangement is very good also and doesn’t draw attention to the fact that her little X Factor snippet is two minutes shorter than most versions of this song. She also does her own runs rather than copying Mariah’s, which is even more impressive when you consider how many times Alexandra has probably sung along to Mariah’s version.
(I have listened to Without You probably a thousand times. I used to put this on in yellow pubs to annoy the students. It’s not on there anymore. It’s a great shame.)
There’s a lot on the Internet and in the papers about Laura’s SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice this week but Alexandra’s performance just highlights how bad Laura was. Hers was right for the all the same reasons that Laura’s was so wrong.
Alex is the only contestant to get a standing ovation from the judges. Rightly so. She also gets compared to Whitney, Mariah and to Toni Braxton, the forgotten 90s diva.
I had written off Alex but I have faith again. Well done her.
2. RUTH – ‘And it’s just like honey’
On her VT, Ruth is lovely and Spanish. But we discover she’s backtracking a bit on the whole ‘Don’t make me your token Spaniard’ thing by becoming a sexy Senorita for the night. Tramp.
When Ruth meets Mariah, she gets a bit emotional and to prove this cries beautiful, Mediterranean tears.
She sings My All, which I’d have given to Diana if her voice wasn’t busted like a bad weave. It’s one of Mariah’s quieter songs but it’s still a bit big for Ruth. She should’ve done a more acoustic version so this would’ve been less of an issue. Turns out Ruth can only belt pleasantly when doing male rock songs. More on that in a few paragraphs.
The judges appreciate that she’s trying and that she’s good, if not awesome. Simon makes at least one joke about her boobs, which are very big and very present this week. We then learn that she sang with Mama Lorenzo’s scarf draped on her chair.
Sadly the scarf and a good performance aren’t enough to save her from her bottom two.
She sang Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door and it was a bit like her cover of Purple Rain in that
1. it’s better than any of the songs she’s been told to sing
2. it’s sung most famously by a man
3. she shouts well during it
But Purple Rain was a surprise because no one knew she could shout so very well. The judges save her, except for Laura’s not racist mentor. To clear things up - Simon and Louis did NOT save Ruth because she was less of a threat to their acts – Diana has been on her winning lap for weeks. Ruth sang and shouted more pleasantly than Laura on both songs. I’ve no time for this SHOCK ELIMINATION injustice nonsense.
3. EOGHAN – ‘And I learned many things little ones shouldn’t know’
Eoghan is first up tonight. This is surprising as people who perform first are more likely to end up in the bottom two and I imagine Simon would like Eoghan to do well.
On his VT we learn Eoghan had fun disco dancing with girls on stage last week. He says he’s ‘never done anything like that before.’ I know the ‘I’m a small boy from a small town with a big dream’ thing attract votes but come on – there are girls who dance in small-town Ireland. I call VT bullshit.
In his Mariah masterclass, he gets called pretty. Ha! Eoghan is made so sexless every week. You know he’s going to do a Dirrty in a few years, and dance in piss water, to shake off his squeaky clean image. He’s singing tonight for his baby sister, because family is everything etc. etc.
His performance is better than it should be. He sings Anytime You Need A Friend which is a big song and involves trying to sing over a big gospel choir. I assume their mics were turned down because Eoghan somehow achieves this. There are impressive runs and tuneful quiet bits.
The judges love it and rightly so. It’s a song I skip when listening to Mariah, reading fashion magazines and rimming bikers but I enjoyed this performance. Plus, a sixteen year-old boy singing Mariah well is impressive.
Louis doesn’t like his hair though. Queen.
4. DEADWIFE – ‘And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven’
No, your eyes do not deceive you. Deadwife was good this week. He didn’t sing any of the many Mariah songs about death. He didn’t mention his dead wife and he sang a love song called Open Arms that is about hugging someone who’s alive and who you might not even be married to. Viva la Deadwife!
On his VT, we learn he has all the Mariah records. I do too but this doesn’t make me like him much more. We also learn that he can’t do key changes. Again, this doesn’t make me like him much more.
He sings with a hilarious, burning forest graphic backdrop. It is a bit earnest and a bit dated but that said, when he’s not grinning, winking or eulogising, he’s not that bad. I actively enjoyed it and I’ve had little time for Deadwife so he’s truly earned this illustrious fourth place.
The male judges were a bit snippy but even they acknowledged it was a lot better than normal. Cheryl said it was ‘my best performance of yours,’ which is hilariously self-obsessed praise. Simon said it was ‘Ok’ and Deadwife said ‘that means so much to me.’ Deadwife clearly has my Daddy issues. This would explain his owning so many Mariah records and the fact he enjoys a mean man calling him ‘ok’ so much.
5. JLS – ‘When I talk smack, y’all better skip back’
On their VT, they make fun of Louis and this disappoints me. They’ve gone from rudeboys to just plain rude boys this week. Shame on them.
They sing One Sweet Day because they are the new Boyz II Men. In their masterclass, one tells Mariah that he fancies her because he has little understanding of social interaction. She’s a married woman.
During their performance, they are very nasal and their voices are very thin. They look up to Heaven to make the complex lyrics about Heaven easier to understand. You can’t hear them at times.
The judges love it bar Cheryl who thought it was all a bit Westlife. Ha! Simon thinks they’ll make the final. I agree with both judges. Louis makes a bizarre Obama reference because the X Factor has never had a black president. I think that’s what he’s going for. It doesn’t make any sense what with Leona Lewis winning and everything.
6. LAURA – ‘No I’ll never forget you, I’ll never let you out of my mind’
On her VT, we are reminded that last week Simon intimated she was fat and dressed poorly. She was very hurt and to prove this cried fat, poorly-dressed tears.
She plays the piano, which is ambitious on Mariah Carey week. It proves she’s an artist etc. etc.
She sings Endless Love and so is one of four contestants to sing a Mariah song that Mariah didn’t write. Cover of a cover alert!
The first half has a few bars of pointless piano-playing and has a lot of high notes. This was ill-advised as Laura’s voice kind of disappears, and her diction becomes dreadful, when she goes into vibrato. The first half doesn’t work.
The second half has her shouting but not disco rocker Diana shouting and not emotionally-wrought, Hispanic Ruth shouting. It’s an affected girl shouting for no reason and stretching her face in very ugly ways. The second half doesn’t work.
These two halves together are completely incongruous and put together make the whole performance seem completely fake. It didn’t work.
Simon said it was old-fashioned and one of her weakest. I agree and not just because Simon is always right.
It turns out singing badly didn’t attract many fans and Laura made a SHOCK appearance in the bottom two. She sang Over The Rainbow and it was no better. That song’s also a really overdone one on these shows and choosing it was rather shameless way to please Simon.
They go on about Laura being The Voice but she sang without power, subtletly, expression, clarity or individuality. So why is The Voice worth listening to? I say the Emperor had no clothes tonight. Or at least, the Emperor was fat and poorly-dressed.
Laura was shockingly eliminated in a SHOCK ELIMINATION and I was glad because Ruth was better.
7. RACHEL – ‘I got a motherfuckin’ heater ready to blaze somebody’
On her VT, we are shown Rachel giving 110% at being a twat. She has a big tantrum – with whining and stomping – and is generally mean to beautiful popstar mentor Dannii Minogue.
In her masterclass, Rachel speaks of her great problem being controlled by her beautiful popstar mentor and how this is the reason why she’s so shit most weeks. Mariah Carey empathises as she has been controlled in her career too. Ha! Dannii Minogue is the new Tommy Mottola.
Rachel spends her song about to cry. She is hoarse and she is shouty. Being shouty during Mariah Carey this week is pretty hard to achieve but her and Laura managed it. She looks glassy and her voice is shot.
The judges like Rachel’s personality – it’s unclear why – but didn’t enjoy the performance. Cheryl said it was uncomfortable watching someone who’s uncomfortable. Rachel has a tissue ready and is very upset. She proves this with vote-courting, Minogue-hating tears. She is not in the bottom two.
I think it’s fair to say Rachel won’t win. I will also hypothesise that there’ll be no album and that she’ll struggle to get work in musical theatre.
In other news, my parents weren’t bothered by this week’s SHOCK ELIMINATION. Austin going was a ‘travesty’ but Laura going is fine because my Dad thought she had ‘a rubbery face.’
Sunday, 9 November 2008
Recaplet - Shock Eliminations Come Like Buses
In groups! Do you see?
It was Mariah Carey week. There were judges.
Diana couldn't sing so Mariah suddenly big hair as a tribute and Alexandra was forced to be the best contestant there. Deadwife got mad praise from Simon ('Okay') and Two Fat Ladies were the bottom 2.
Full recap later in the week.
It was Mariah Carey week. There were judges.
Diana couldn't sing so Mariah suddenly big hair as a tribute and Alexandra was forced to be the best contestant there. Deadwife got mad praise from Simon ('Okay') and Two Fat Ladies were the bottom 2.
Full recap later in the week.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
Thex Factor 3 - Enough is Enough
Before we begin, these are the facts you need to know.
1. There are judges and contestants.
Two of the judges are lady popstars and two are male music moguls. The men make bad jokes about the other one’s sexuality. All four speak of comfort zones and contestants in and out of these comfort zones.
There are nine contestants –12 if we count JLS as 4 separate people, which I never will – and they sing and speak of dead relatives, dreams and huge amounts of pressure.
2. It was Disco week
Because the key to finding a relevant artist is to make them sing songs from a dead genre. Dermot said it would be ‘quite literally murder on the dance floor.’ He was full of shit and I was disappointed. Rachel taking someone out would have livened things up. Next week is Mariah Carey and this will be awful only in the sense that we will all be full of awe.
3. Will Young was the celebrity guest.
He did masterclasses and they were wonderful. He showed all the contestants how to be less offensive when they sing. It worked for some. He sang a song called ‘Grace’ very well during the results show but did so with strange, staring eyes. He reminded me why people need reminding that he was one of these shows: he reminded us all that he’s very good. If he was included in the rankings he would be second if not first.
On with the rankings….
1. DIANA – “Simply the best”
Her VT showed her being shit in rehearsal, wailing unpleasantly and needing Will Young’s support and encouragement. This was not grim foreshadowing as her performance proper was fucking awesome.
She sang Blondie and yelped, hiccupped and wailed very pleasantly. There were big notes and there were ugly notes and the whole thing had the X Factor. It made me listen to Call Me by Blondie a lot afterwards – and also to Call Me by Diana. The best thing about it was she wasn’t trying to show off or be the new Leona or Rhydian. She didn’t even try to sound very good and perhaps counter-intuitively ended up being the only person to sound any good. Diana for the win!
She had amusing choreography too. She got to sit on some stairs with her legs wide open while people danced behind her. We saw her pants a lot and they were black.
The judges get that she’s awesome though Louis thinks she should dance. This was a stupid comment but if it leads to her doing Wuthering Heights and prancing around then I won’t complain. I might send a letter to Notaracist about this.
2. LAURA – “Throw my hands up and shout”
Her VT showed Laura being loved by the judges but stalked by the paparazzi and insulted by the press. She found this difficult and cried in rehearsal like a shy, shy bitch. Will Young said she was having ‘an off day’ because he is very posh.
She sang very well but it was all a bit shouty and overblown. She’s only second because everyone else was so much worse.
The judges love it except Simon, who thinks she should dress better and be more like Diana. Ha! He’s playing the bitches off against each other!
I thought she looked nice and slim but I won’t question Simon because he is always right. Laura’s mentor Notaracist got mardy with Simon because she is bolshy.
3. AUSTIN – “Hip to be square”
Austin’s VT shows him going to buy the Hero single that is number one and that he sings on. He comes off very well and like a cheeky chappy who you would be friends with if he didn’t cry constantly.
We learn that Austin just sings and does lots of runs and trills without thinking about what he’s singing. This is a bad thing. The show is about connecting with the audience through song, not about big runs or dead wives. Whatevs. Stop moving the goalposts, reality TV.
Austin sings a slowed-down version of Wishin’ On A Star. It doesn’t really work because slowed-down comes off here as bored and boring. It’s a bit like a mid-90s Jodeci or Toni Braxton album track. It sort of suits Austin though – you know Austin sang Unbreak My Heart in assembly once. And this is why he was bullied at school.
The judges didn’t love it and Louis said he is missing a personality. This was grim foreshadowing as were the many comments that Austin should just enjoy singing tonight and no more! There’s also some nonsense about Austin fancying a girl and Austin won’t say he does. It’s awkward.
Austin ends up in the bottom two even though he sang better than most. He then sings a dull song in the showdown and is significantly better than Rachel, who is also in the bottom two, but goes home. Simon says it’s ‘one of those things.’ The first SHOCK ELIMINATION was overdue I suppose. This one was a bit unfair but I’ve been more bothered about things in my life.
4. ALEXANDRA – “She’s like so whatever”
Even Alexandra’s VT is dull. She went to the Bond premiere. She has fans. These bases were all covered in the other contestants’ VTs. Give us something, woman.
She sings a dated song reasonably well – and that’s why I have grudgingly put her so high.
She has shirtless dancers. Tramp. There are close-ups of the dancers’ bums to try and make the whole thing more entertaining.
The judges love it and Dannii tells us all that an Alexandra concert would be fun. Even her 10-minute slot on the X Factor tour will be dull so I think Dannii is being too effusive here.
I’ve so little to say about this woman.
5. RUTH – “Find my love, my dolce vita”
In her VT, we learn that Louis liked Ruth’s slutty dress from last week. He says this is why she’s still in the competition. Be quiet, woman. You loved her last week. Louis’s forgetfulness here was probably caused by all the distracting fashion chat.
Also, Ruth has a cough and this will make it harder to sing. I am as over this excuse as Simon Cowell is.
Ruth sings reasonably well with her strange accent. But she doesn’t sing brilliantly, she doesn’t sing Blondie and we don’t see her underwear. So Diana 3 – Ruth 0 this week. Her dress strap falls off near the end. Tramp.
The judges were unenthused but thought she tried hard. It’s nice to be nice I suppose.
6. JLS – “Slam Dunk da Funk”
On their VT, they talk about the vibe and say ‘proper’ because they are gangster.
They’re wearing stupid multi-coloured outfits again but thankfully they don’t explain like Aston likes Blue, Marvin likes green etc. etc. etc. like they did last week.
It’s worrying that 4 people singing together make less noise than most of the soloists. And that they get drowned out by the backing track.
The judges love it. I don’t agree but I will admit and agree that it was the group’s best performance yet.
7. EOGHAN – “All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m inbetween”
In his VT, Eoghan says last week was a change for him because he enjoyed singing for once. What a negative nelly. I guess singing about pet rats and worlds without religions or rules really takes it out of him.
Simon picked Could It Be Magic for him to sing which is what he gave Leona a few years ago. Ha! Eoghan is the new Leona!
Will Young explains Eoghan has a soft voice but a soft voice isn’t necessarily a bad voice, it’s just soft. These masterclasses are ace. I really want to go to one.
Eoghan sings and we discover he’s not the new Leona and that a soft voice sometimes is a bad voice. He is very flat.
The judges said it was very High School Musical and it appears this is a good thing. Simon said there were off notes and this was not a lie.
8. RACHEL – “Defecating on your microphone”
On her VT, Will Young tells her to stop shouting constantly as this doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. Rachel tells us that she could be Will Young in the next few years. Ha! Rachel is transitioning? This would explain the hair and why she is so angry all the time.
During the song, Rachel shouts constantly and doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. That masterclass was a bust. She is a foghorn.
The judges are less than happy. Simon said it was clumsy and gimmicky. Louis said it was ‘pretty average.’ This is actually a much smarter comment than it sounds. Note the use of adverb ‘pretty’ – Louis is saying that not only is Rachel average, but she’s somehow found a way to be averagely average.
She’s in the bottom two and sings No More Drama. She is not hilarious and demented the way Mary J Blige is when she does this song. Instead, Rachel sing-shouts again, looks beyond furious while doing so again and sounds like a nasal foghorn again. She’s allowed to stay because she has a ‘raw talent.’ Jesus wept.
9. DEADWIFE – “And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven”
He’s going to meet Mariah Carey next week. He’s going to sing Without You or One Sweet Day or any of her other ballads that are sort of about having a dead wife.
His VT reminds us the judges hate him. His performance reminds us why. I will give him credit for finding a Disco song that is sort of about having a dead wife and saying ‘no, don’t leave me this way!’ but I hated it. He winks and grins and the singing is not good.
He also pervs on, or ‘interacts with,’ the ladydancers which shows he’s getting on with his life. Good for him.
Simon says ‘this has got to stop’, i.e. you should be eliminated for being rubbish, but grins while saying it because he’s clearly loving this. Louis isn’t as witty about Deadwife being rubbish this week and this is disappointing.
This has got to stop.
In other news, my parents are very upset that Austin has left. They do not enjoy Deadwife’s winking. I have not pressed them about why.
1. There are judges and contestants.
Two of the judges are lady popstars and two are male music moguls. The men make bad jokes about the other one’s sexuality. All four speak of comfort zones and contestants in and out of these comfort zones.
There are nine contestants –12 if we count JLS as 4 separate people, which I never will – and they sing and speak of dead relatives, dreams and huge amounts of pressure.
2. It was Disco week
Because the key to finding a relevant artist is to make them sing songs from a dead genre. Dermot said it would be ‘quite literally murder on the dance floor.’ He was full of shit and I was disappointed. Rachel taking someone out would have livened things up. Next week is Mariah Carey and this will be awful only in the sense that we will all be full of awe.
3. Will Young was the celebrity guest.
He did masterclasses and they were wonderful. He showed all the contestants how to be less offensive when they sing. It worked for some. He sang a song called ‘Grace’ very well during the results show but did so with strange, staring eyes. He reminded me why people need reminding that he was one of these shows: he reminded us all that he’s very good. If he was included in the rankings he would be second if not first.
On with the rankings….
1. DIANA – “Simply the best”
Her VT showed her being shit in rehearsal, wailing unpleasantly and needing Will Young’s support and encouragement. This was not grim foreshadowing as her performance proper was fucking awesome.
She sang Blondie and yelped, hiccupped and wailed very pleasantly. There were big notes and there were ugly notes and the whole thing had the X Factor. It made me listen to Call Me by Blondie a lot afterwards – and also to Call Me by Diana. The best thing about it was she wasn’t trying to show off or be the new Leona or Rhydian. She didn’t even try to sound very good and perhaps counter-intuitively ended up being the only person to sound any good. Diana for the win!
She had amusing choreography too. She got to sit on some stairs with her legs wide open while people danced behind her. We saw her pants a lot and they were black.
The judges get that she’s awesome though Louis thinks she should dance. This was a stupid comment but if it leads to her doing Wuthering Heights and prancing around then I won’t complain. I might send a letter to Notaracist about this.
2. LAURA – “Throw my hands up and shout”
Her VT showed Laura being loved by the judges but stalked by the paparazzi and insulted by the press. She found this difficult and cried in rehearsal like a shy, shy bitch. Will Young said she was having ‘an off day’ because he is very posh.
She sang very well but it was all a bit shouty and overblown. She’s only second because everyone else was so much worse.
The judges love it except Simon, who thinks she should dress better and be more like Diana. Ha! He’s playing the bitches off against each other!
I thought she looked nice and slim but I won’t question Simon because he is always right. Laura’s mentor Notaracist got mardy with Simon because she is bolshy.
3. AUSTIN – “Hip to be square”
Austin’s VT shows him going to buy the Hero single that is number one and that he sings on. He comes off very well and like a cheeky chappy who you would be friends with if he didn’t cry constantly.
We learn that Austin just sings and does lots of runs and trills without thinking about what he’s singing. This is a bad thing. The show is about connecting with the audience through song, not about big runs or dead wives. Whatevs. Stop moving the goalposts, reality TV.
Austin sings a slowed-down version of Wishin’ On A Star. It doesn’t really work because slowed-down comes off here as bored and boring. It’s a bit like a mid-90s Jodeci or Toni Braxton album track. It sort of suits Austin though – you know Austin sang Unbreak My Heart in assembly once. And this is why he was bullied at school.
The judges didn’t love it and Louis said he is missing a personality. This was grim foreshadowing as were the many comments that Austin should just enjoy singing tonight and no more! There’s also some nonsense about Austin fancying a girl and Austin won’t say he does. It’s awkward.
Austin ends up in the bottom two even though he sang better than most. He then sings a dull song in the showdown and is significantly better than Rachel, who is also in the bottom two, but goes home. Simon says it’s ‘one of those things.’ The first SHOCK ELIMINATION was overdue I suppose. This one was a bit unfair but I’ve been more bothered about things in my life.
4. ALEXANDRA – “She’s like so whatever”
Even Alexandra’s VT is dull. She went to the Bond premiere. She has fans. These bases were all covered in the other contestants’ VTs. Give us something, woman.
She sings a dated song reasonably well – and that’s why I have grudgingly put her so high.
She has shirtless dancers. Tramp. There are close-ups of the dancers’ bums to try and make the whole thing more entertaining.
The judges love it and Dannii tells us all that an Alexandra concert would be fun. Even her 10-minute slot on the X Factor tour will be dull so I think Dannii is being too effusive here.
I’ve so little to say about this woman.
5. RUTH – “Find my love, my dolce vita”
In her VT, we learn that Louis liked Ruth’s slutty dress from last week. He says this is why she’s still in the competition. Be quiet, woman. You loved her last week. Louis’s forgetfulness here was probably caused by all the distracting fashion chat.
Also, Ruth has a cough and this will make it harder to sing. I am as over this excuse as Simon Cowell is.
Ruth sings reasonably well with her strange accent. But she doesn’t sing brilliantly, she doesn’t sing Blondie and we don’t see her underwear. So Diana 3 – Ruth 0 this week. Her dress strap falls off near the end. Tramp.
The judges were unenthused but thought she tried hard. It’s nice to be nice I suppose.
6. JLS – “Slam Dunk da Funk”
On their VT, they talk about the vibe and say ‘proper’ because they are gangster.
They’re wearing stupid multi-coloured outfits again but thankfully they don’t explain like Aston likes Blue, Marvin likes green etc. etc. etc. like they did last week.
It’s worrying that 4 people singing together make less noise than most of the soloists. And that they get drowned out by the backing track.
The judges love it. I don’t agree but I will admit and agree that it was the group’s best performance yet.
7. EOGHAN – “All I need is time, a moment that is mine, while I’m inbetween”
In his VT, Eoghan says last week was a change for him because he enjoyed singing for once. What a negative nelly. I guess singing about pet rats and worlds without religions or rules really takes it out of him.
Simon picked Could It Be Magic for him to sing which is what he gave Leona a few years ago. Ha! Eoghan is the new Leona!
Will Young explains Eoghan has a soft voice but a soft voice isn’t necessarily a bad voice, it’s just soft. These masterclasses are ace. I really want to go to one.
Eoghan sings and we discover he’s not the new Leona and that a soft voice sometimes is a bad voice. He is very flat.
The judges said it was very High School Musical and it appears this is a good thing. Simon said there were off notes and this was not a lie.
8. RACHEL – “Defecating on your microphone”
On her VT, Will Young tells her to stop shouting constantly as this doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. Rachel tells us that she could be Will Young in the next few years. Ha! Rachel is transitioning? This would explain the hair and why she is so angry all the time.
During the song, Rachel shouts constantly and doesn’t show any light and shade in her voice. That masterclass was a bust. She is a foghorn.
The judges are less than happy. Simon said it was clumsy and gimmicky. Louis said it was ‘pretty average.’ This is actually a much smarter comment than it sounds. Note the use of adverb ‘pretty’ – Louis is saying that not only is Rachel average, but she’s somehow found a way to be averagely average.
She’s in the bottom two and sings No More Drama. She is not hilarious and demented the way Mary J Blige is when she does this song. Instead, Rachel sing-shouts again, looks beyond furious while doing so again and sounds like a nasal foghorn again. She’s allowed to stay because she has a ‘raw talent.’ Jesus wept.
9. DEADWIFE – “And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven”
He’s going to meet Mariah Carey next week. He’s going to sing Without You or One Sweet Day or any of her other ballads that are sort of about having a dead wife.
His VT reminds us the judges hate him. His performance reminds us why. I will give him credit for finding a Disco song that is sort of about having a dead wife and saying ‘no, don’t leave me this way!’ but I hated it. He winks and grins and the singing is not good.
He also pervs on, or ‘interacts with,’ the ladydancers which shows he’s getting on with his life. Good for him.
Simon says ‘this has got to stop’, i.e. you should be eliminated for being rubbish, but grins while saying it because he’s clearly loving this. Louis isn’t as witty about Deadwife being rubbish this week and this is disappointing.
This has got to stop.
In other news, my parents are very upset that Austin has left. They do not enjoy Deadwife’s winking. I have not pressed them about why.
Sunday, 2 November 2008
Recaplet: A Disco Inferno of Talent
There were disco balls, bad singers, good singers, celebrity masterclasses (at last!), jokes made about Louis's sexuality, dead wives, trembling lips and a shock elimination (at last!).
Full recap in a few days.
In other news, I have found one of my hilarious blog nicknames on another site. I cannot get fancy links to work so the link is below
http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3118&Itemid=206
If this doesn't show that this blog is a huge and lovely success then I don't know what you people want.
Full recap in a few days.
In other news, I have found one of my hilarious blog nicknames on another site. I cannot get fancy links to work so the link is below
http://www.popjustice.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3118&Itemid=206
If this doesn't show that this blog is a huge and lovely success then I don't know what you people want.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Thexfactor Recap 2 - Just a jacknife
I enjoyed my hilarious recap last week very much but it was a little slapdash. I have not been giving it 110%. Now I will.
I took notes on Saturday so this recap will be better informed yet just as hilarious as the last, if not more.
These are the facts you need to know.
1. There are 4 judges
Louis Walsh is/was the mentor for 4 boys who are in a group. Louis Walsh has never married.
Simon Cowell is/was the mentor for 3 boys who are not in a group. Simon Cowell has never married.
Cheryl Cole looks after 3 girls who are not in a group. Cheryl Cole is married to a footballer.
Dannii Minogue looks over 3 people who are very old. Dannii Minogue is not currently married.
2. It was Big Band week.
This meant there was a big band on stage. The big band has 33 members, which was less than the 40 that had been touted online.
Perhaps seven were sacked because they gave 100%? This is still a very high amount but not high enough.
The contestants were not singing on top of a tinny backing track and performed better.
3. All the contestants have a single and sang it for the first time during the results show.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero and all 12 sing on the actual record.
Daniel and Ruth did not get to sing live with the others as apparently their door wouldn’t open.
I think they were miming because they don’t usually all sound that good. It was unclear which contestant had the most bits to sing and therefore which contestant ‘the man’ wants to win.
How much you want to like the song probably depends on how much you like (a) covers (b) Mariah Carey (c) the X Factor contestants.
I couldn’t help but wonder: why would Simon call Alexandra predictable last week for doing Mariah Carey when he knew he was going to make them all sing Mariah Carey the next week?
4. Next week is disco week.
I am not looking forward to this because last year’s disco week was not very good and because Will Young is the celebrity guest. Will Young has never released a disco single so he seems an odd choice. I think the producers played a very short game of word association that went:
Disco?
Gay
Will Young!
On with the rankings. Where will your favourite be?
1. LAURA – “Big Girl, you are beautiful”
Laura came off very well on her VT (the segment before they sing where everything is dramatic). She says ‘them doors’ instead of ‘those doors’ because she speaks in a regional dialect. Her parents ripped the piss out of her for being a shy, shy bitch with a tiny speaking voice. We saw lots of the contestants’ parents this week, to show that the contestants are nice people, and Laura’s parents were among my favourites.
She sang God Bless The Child and started off lying down on a furry rug. When she belted, she sounded better than when she didn’t but she always sounded good. It was (relatively) controlled and all the trills and whistles were at the right times and for the right lengths. She also wore a dress that didn’t make her look fat. In fact, she looked very good.
The judges told her: ‘You are Star Quality.’ Grammar aside, it’s hard to disagree. Her mentor who is not a racist cried. She was the first singer that night to be very good and the first of many to receive a standing ovation from the judges.
Runs, range and a nice dress. It’s not hard to be brilliant on this show. Well done Laura.
2. DIANA – “And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind”
Diana was worried on her VT because it was Big Band week and not Small Voice week and she didn’t think she would do well.
Princess Diana is clearly the best one here but she loses points for not wailing pleasantly as she did on Hallelujah and With or Without You.
She had the best set decoration as she got to sit on an enormous swing and actually got to play on the swing when singing wasn’t required. Laura’s furry rug suddenly seemed very cheap.
She sang Smile and it was lovely. I think she’s been told what people find annoying so that she becomes less like Marmite and more like a megaselling singer. Note: she flapped her hands around less and didn’t hiccup or hiccough constantly.
The judges loved it and Simon said she was special and did not mean this in a mean, primary-school insult way.
3. RUTH – “I didn’t know that you could dance like that”
Ruth reminded us all on her VT that she doesn’t want to sing in Spanish even though Simon told her to. Ruth reminds us that England is an English speaking country and she thinks it best to sing in English. Mama Lorenzo didn’t raise no fool!
We see Mama Lorenzo on the VT and she is small, cries and has to be subtitled because she speaks in Spanish. Which kind of proves Ruth and Dannii’s point that Ruth singing in a foreign language might be problematic.
Simon was having none of this and said on this VT, ‘You’re Spanish, be Spanish.’ He then compared Ruth’s singing in English to one fruit trying to be another type of fruit. Simon should work for the UN as he is sensitive and understands every nuance of the issues regarding nationality and because he is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Ruth sang Summertime in English very well. It was a bit vampy, and the twins were a bit too exposed and some of the power notes were a bit too powerful for a song written as a lullaby.
That said, it was heaps of fun, the twins were impressive and this show is about doing power notes well and she did. Anyway, she earns the crucial points for appearing to do a Carmen McRae arrangement and for being ace on all her VTs.
The judges loved it because they remembered Ruth can sing. Simon said it was wise to sing that song in English and he should know because he is always right.
4. AUSTIN – “He’s gotta be so macho”
Austin’s VT was the most hilarious. He was very upset last week because the judges didn’t like his cover of a cover of Billie Jean. Simon once again praised this cover of a cover of a cover for being ‘different.’ Austin wants to be a serious artist and says if he’s just going to do note-for-note covers (or covers of covers of covers) he should go on Stars in their Eyes and wear a costume!
Simon and Austin’s fool-proof way to show he is an artist was to get him to sing Mack the Knife as only true artists do rote covers of this. He sang well and bounced around which is certainly jaunty but quite inappropriate.
The song is about a jacknife, traces of red, red blood and bodies strewn on sidewalks, or pavements. It is not a song for bouncing around to. It is not The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers.
Anyway, the judges liked it regardless and then Dermot asked Austin’s dad what he thought and Austin’s dad said it was ‘alright.’ Mr. Drage was my favourite parent of the night by far.
5. RACHEL – “Fix up, look sharp”
Rachel was never going to be last this week if only because this week they gave her a haircut that didn’t make her look like a teenage girl who hurt herself today, to see if she still feels.
Rachel continues to come off as a twat on her VTs. Apparently she and Dannii do not work together very well. We hear this is the first time that Rachel let Dannii pick her song and then didn’t have a massive strop about it for the rest of the week.
This minor act of respect for her mentor made her sing better. Funny that.
It was growly in a good way and there were impressive runs and it showed that Rachel has some ability as a very affected soul singer. I say ‘some’ because she continues to sound like a foghorn at times and because she gets very flat at the oddest times.
For example, when she has to do anything punchy (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day etc.) she resorts to shouting, and not even shouting pleasantly and in tune as Kelly Clarkson loves to do. She shouts as if someone’s just put gravy on her chips instead of curry or the driver won’t accept her bus pass. The fact that she always sings with a ‘what you looking at?’ stinkface doesn’t help this.
The judges loved it.
6. ALEXANDRA – “Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
Alex cried on her VT because Laura and Diana are more interesting and the judges like them better. Though I praise her for being a reality TV contestant with some self-awareness I don’t exactly feel sorry for her. This is the worst sob story in the history of The X Factor. ‘My wife is dead’ and ‘My Mum has MS’ are legitimate problems. ‘The other singers are better than me’ is not.
Anyway, Alexandra has been told off previously for being predictable and singing Whitney and Mariah. So she is made to sing Candyman by Christina Aguilera. Because this is better?
Whitney, Mariah, Christina – there is no name that feels out of place on that list. It is a list of shouty women. Christina was not a madcap choice here.
For whatever reason, the judges did not find this predictable and praised her for singing a very difficult song well. I don’t get it on many levels. They praised her for being a great artist. She left happy and no longer aware of her increasing pointlessness.
7. EOGHAN – “I got no strings to hold me down”
From Eoghan’s VT we learned he can’t boil an egg.
His performance should in theory be no more interesting but it was. It was hilarious.
Eoghan did an uptempo song this week, L O V E, and his eyebrows went crazy as he tried to deliver a dynamic performance. He jumped around the stage with his arms stretched out like a crazed wolfman ready to attack. He also had enormous hair. I think they’ve given him extensions. What with the prancing and the big hair, he looked like a sexless Russell Brand.
He also had to do runs as producers have clearly told him that only Diana is allowed to sing with any subtlety.
The judges loved it because he usually sings ballads and he didn’t this time. He got a standing ovation from the judges just like Laura. In fact, only three acts didn’t get one for their big band songs. They’re my bottom three.
8. SCOTT – “That’s my goal”
We learned from Scott’s VT that the 9 to 5 lifestyle isn’t for him. And that his Mum is a nurse and his Dad is a taxi driver. There was no mention of Shayne Ward,or the pub they both drink in, which I think cost him votes. I would like to know what Shayne Ward drinks. Is it a spritzer laced with tears?
He performed That’s Life in tune but without making any changes to it. Plus, there were no runs and his voice sounded thin. He couldn’t really compete with the bigger singers and the more interesting singers as a result.
He sadly didn’t do the Westlife cover of this song that changes the lyrics to ‘That’s Life – Westlife!’ This would have made the performance more memorable at least.
The judges were unenthused and Scott looked like he’d cry and/or hit Louis. Hate crime!
When Scott realised he was in the bottom two, he shook his head a lot and looked ready for a rumble. ‘Did you spill Shayne Ward’s pint?’ etc.
Perhaps he hadn’t been told that the final showdown didn’t involve physical violence but instead involved singing slightly better than you rival?
In the bottom two, Scott sang I Can’t Make You Love Me and sounded the best he had so far in the competition but spoiled it when he did this sickly big smile at the end. It was the sort of fake smile you usually get from Miss Americas or air hostesses. It didn’t really sit with the stinkface he’d had for the rest of the evening.
Louis Walsh said he was going ‘through the motions’ and Scott was voted out proving the point that drinking at Shayne Ward’s pub does not necessarily lead to great performances and reality superstardom.
9. JLS – “A kick in the head”
JLS need your votes to pay for healthcare. Their VT tells us this. It doesn’t sit well with me but I won’t dwell on it or make jokes because there are real people and real illnesses underneath all this nonsense.
They danced around in a synchronised way and sang poorly as they’ve done on every live show. Simon pointed out that they can’t sing very well and the audience and other judges were shocked by this meanness.
They wore suits with different coloured linings. Dermot enjoyed their performance because he enjoys garish fashions. When Dermot asked why each member always wears the same colour and they gave a very dull response about how they each like a certain colour.
I would like them to leave.
10. DEADWIFE – “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”
I felt a bit bad last week for calling contestant Daniel Evans Deadwife because that’s not his name, that’s not his name, that’s not his name. I thought that the dozens of people reading this blog would think this was heartless and that I found dead wives innately hilarious.
But the thing is, every week there is some mention of Daniel’s dead wife. That is his story. It is a part of every VT. It is a part of his identity on this show. We’ve even been shown a picture of her. As a result, it doesn’t really matter how well or badly he sings. He’ll never be Daniel Evans, X Factor contesant. He’ll always be the one with the dead wife.
Case in point: he doesn’t mention her and sings The Lady is a Tramp. The male judges say he’s rubbish. He ends up in the bottom two.
He then dedicates his showdown song to his wife. He sings a dreadful song about memories, about someone still being there and being an inspiration and being his forever and watching him from above. The judges cry, even Louis who hates Daniel, and he gets to stay in the competition.
I would like him to leave.
In other news, my parents missed the results show. My Dad made a sick noise when he heard about Daniel’s performance. My Mum was deeply saddened to hear Scott had gone after a ‘very good’ performance.
When I called to say I wasn’t coming home on Monday, their response was ‘oh great.’ I will go to Shayne Ward’s pub and earn their love.
I took notes on Saturday so this recap will be better informed yet just as hilarious as the last, if not more.
These are the facts you need to know.
1. There are 4 judges
Louis Walsh is/was the mentor for 4 boys who are in a group. Louis Walsh has never married.
Simon Cowell is/was the mentor for 3 boys who are not in a group. Simon Cowell has never married.
Cheryl Cole looks after 3 girls who are not in a group. Cheryl Cole is married to a footballer.
Dannii Minogue looks over 3 people who are very old. Dannii Minogue is not currently married.
2. It was Big Band week.
This meant there was a big band on stage. The big band has 33 members, which was less than the 40 that had been touted online.
Perhaps seven were sacked because they gave 100%? This is still a very high amount but not high enough.
The contestants were not singing on top of a tinny backing track and performed better.
3. All the contestants have a single and sang it for the first time during the results show.
It is a cover of Mariah Carey’s Hero and all 12 sing on the actual record.
Daniel and Ruth did not get to sing live with the others as apparently their door wouldn’t open.
I think they were miming because they don’t usually all sound that good. It was unclear which contestant had the most bits to sing and therefore which contestant ‘the man’ wants to win.
How much you want to like the song probably depends on how much you like (a) covers (b) Mariah Carey (c) the X Factor contestants.
I couldn’t help but wonder: why would Simon call Alexandra predictable last week for doing Mariah Carey when he knew he was going to make them all sing Mariah Carey the next week?
4. Next week is disco week.
I am not looking forward to this because last year’s disco week was not very good and because Will Young is the celebrity guest. Will Young has never released a disco single so he seems an odd choice. I think the producers played a very short game of word association that went:
Disco?
Gay
Will Young!
On with the rankings. Where will your favourite be?
1. LAURA – “Big Girl, you are beautiful”
Laura came off very well on her VT (the segment before they sing where everything is dramatic). She says ‘them doors’ instead of ‘those doors’ because she speaks in a regional dialect. Her parents ripped the piss out of her for being a shy, shy bitch with a tiny speaking voice. We saw lots of the contestants’ parents this week, to show that the contestants are nice people, and Laura’s parents were among my favourites.
She sang God Bless The Child and started off lying down on a furry rug. When she belted, she sounded better than when she didn’t but she always sounded good. It was (relatively) controlled and all the trills and whistles were at the right times and for the right lengths. She also wore a dress that didn’t make her look fat. In fact, she looked very good.
The judges told her: ‘You are Star Quality.’ Grammar aside, it’s hard to disagree. Her mentor who is not a racist cried. She was the first singer that night to be very good and the first of many to receive a standing ovation from the judges.
Runs, range and a nice dress. It’s not hard to be brilliant on this show. Well done Laura.
2. DIANA – “And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind”
Diana was worried on her VT because it was Big Band week and not Small Voice week and she didn’t think she would do well.
Princess Diana is clearly the best one here but she loses points for not wailing pleasantly as she did on Hallelujah and With or Without You.
She had the best set decoration as she got to sit on an enormous swing and actually got to play on the swing when singing wasn’t required. Laura’s furry rug suddenly seemed very cheap.
She sang Smile and it was lovely. I think she’s been told what people find annoying so that she becomes less like Marmite and more like a megaselling singer. Note: she flapped her hands around less and didn’t hiccup or hiccough constantly.
The judges loved it and Simon said she was special and did not mean this in a mean, primary-school insult way.
3. RUTH – “I didn’t know that you could dance like that”
Ruth reminded us all on her VT that she doesn’t want to sing in Spanish even though Simon told her to. Ruth reminds us that England is an English speaking country and she thinks it best to sing in English. Mama Lorenzo didn’t raise no fool!
We see Mama Lorenzo on the VT and she is small, cries and has to be subtitled because she speaks in Spanish. Which kind of proves Ruth and Dannii’s point that Ruth singing in a foreign language might be problematic.
Simon was having none of this and said on this VT, ‘You’re Spanish, be Spanish.’ He then compared Ruth’s singing in English to one fruit trying to be another type of fruit. Simon should work for the UN as he is sensitive and understands every nuance of the issues regarding nationality and because he is ALWAYS RIGHT.
Ruth sang Summertime in English very well. It was a bit vampy, and the twins were a bit too exposed and some of the power notes were a bit too powerful for a song written as a lullaby.
That said, it was heaps of fun, the twins were impressive and this show is about doing power notes well and she did. Anyway, she earns the crucial points for appearing to do a Carmen McRae arrangement and for being ace on all her VTs.
The judges loved it because they remembered Ruth can sing. Simon said it was wise to sing that song in English and he should know because he is always right.
4. AUSTIN – “He’s gotta be so macho”
Austin’s VT was the most hilarious. He was very upset last week because the judges didn’t like his cover of a cover of Billie Jean. Simon once again praised this cover of a cover of a cover for being ‘different.’ Austin wants to be a serious artist and says if he’s just going to do note-for-note covers (or covers of covers of covers) he should go on Stars in their Eyes and wear a costume!
Simon and Austin’s fool-proof way to show he is an artist was to get him to sing Mack the Knife as only true artists do rote covers of this. He sang well and bounced around which is certainly jaunty but quite inappropriate.
The song is about a jacknife, traces of red, red blood and bodies strewn on sidewalks, or pavements. It is not a song for bouncing around to. It is not The Wonderful Thing about Tiggers.
Anyway, the judges liked it regardless and then Dermot asked Austin’s dad what he thought and Austin’s dad said it was ‘alright.’ Mr. Drage was my favourite parent of the night by far.
5. RACHEL – “Fix up, look sharp”
Rachel was never going to be last this week if only because this week they gave her a haircut that didn’t make her look like a teenage girl who hurt herself today, to see if she still feels.
Rachel continues to come off as a twat on her VTs. Apparently she and Dannii do not work together very well. We hear this is the first time that Rachel let Dannii pick her song and then didn’t have a massive strop about it for the rest of the week.
This minor act of respect for her mentor made her sing better. Funny that.
It was growly in a good way and there were impressive runs and it showed that Rachel has some ability as a very affected soul singer. I say ‘some’ because she continues to sound like a foghorn at times and because she gets very flat at the oddest times.
For example, when she has to do anything punchy (it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day etc.) she resorts to shouting, and not even shouting pleasantly and in tune as Kelly Clarkson loves to do. She shouts as if someone’s just put gravy on her chips instead of curry or the driver won’t accept her bus pass. The fact that she always sings with a ‘what you looking at?’ stinkface doesn’t help this.
The judges loved it.
6. ALEXANDRA – “Like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
Alex cried on her VT because Laura and Diana are more interesting and the judges like them better. Though I praise her for being a reality TV contestant with some self-awareness I don’t exactly feel sorry for her. This is the worst sob story in the history of The X Factor. ‘My wife is dead’ and ‘My Mum has MS’ are legitimate problems. ‘The other singers are better than me’ is not.
Anyway, Alexandra has been told off previously for being predictable and singing Whitney and Mariah. So she is made to sing Candyman by Christina Aguilera. Because this is better?
Whitney, Mariah, Christina – there is no name that feels out of place on that list. It is a list of shouty women. Christina was not a madcap choice here.
For whatever reason, the judges did not find this predictable and praised her for singing a very difficult song well. I don’t get it on many levels. They praised her for being a great artist. She left happy and no longer aware of her increasing pointlessness.
7. EOGHAN – “I got no strings to hold me down”
From Eoghan’s VT we learned he can’t boil an egg.
His performance should in theory be no more interesting but it was. It was hilarious.
Eoghan did an uptempo song this week, L O V E, and his eyebrows went crazy as he tried to deliver a dynamic performance. He jumped around the stage with his arms stretched out like a crazed wolfman ready to attack. He also had enormous hair. I think they’ve given him extensions. What with the prancing and the big hair, he looked like a sexless Russell Brand.
He also had to do runs as producers have clearly told him that only Diana is allowed to sing with any subtlety.
The judges loved it because he usually sings ballads and he didn’t this time. He got a standing ovation from the judges just like Laura. In fact, only three acts didn’t get one for their big band songs. They’re my bottom three.
8. SCOTT – “That’s my goal”
We learned from Scott’s VT that the 9 to 5 lifestyle isn’t for him. And that his Mum is a nurse and his Dad is a taxi driver. There was no mention of Shayne Ward,or the pub they both drink in, which I think cost him votes. I would like to know what Shayne Ward drinks. Is it a spritzer laced with tears?
He performed That’s Life in tune but without making any changes to it. Plus, there were no runs and his voice sounded thin. He couldn’t really compete with the bigger singers and the more interesting singers as a result.
He sadly didn’t do the Westlife cover of this song that changes the lyrics to ‘That’s Life – Westlife!’ This would have made the performance more memorable at least.
The judges were unenthused and Scott looked like he’d cry and/or hit Louis. Hate crime!
When Scott realised he was in the bottom two, he shook his head a lot and looked ready for a rumble. ‘Did you spill Shayne Ward’s pint?’ etc.
Perhaps he hadn’t been told that the final showdown didn’t involve physical violence but instead involved singing slightly better than you rival?
In the bottom two, Scott sang I Can’t Make You Love Me and sounded the best he had so far in the competition but spoiled it when he did this sickly big smile at the end. It was the sort of fake smile you usually get from Miss Americas or air hostesses. It didn’t really sit with the stinkface he’d had for the rest of the evening.
Louis Walsh said he was going ‘through the motions’ and Scott was voted out proving the point that drinking at Shayne Ward’s pub does not necessarily lead to great performances and reality superstardom.
9. JLS – “A kick in the head”
JLS need your votes to pay for healthcare. Their VT tells us this. It doesn’t sit well with me but I won’t dwell on it or make jokes because there are real people and real illnesses underneath all this nonsense.
They danced around in a synchronised way and sang poorly as they’ve done on every live show. Simon pointed out that they can’t sing very well and the audience and other judges were shocked by this meanness.
They wore suits with different coloured linings. Dermot enjoyed their performance because he enjoys garish fashions. When Dermot asked why each member always wears the same colour and they gave a very dull response about how they each like a certain colour.
I would like them to leave.
10. DEADWIFE – “Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone”
I felt a bit bad last week for calling contestant Daniel Evans Deadwife because that’s not his name, that’s not his name, that’s not his name. I thought that the dozens of people reading this blog would think this was heartless and that I found dead wives innately hilarious.
But the thing is, every week there is some mention of Daniel’s dead wife. That is his story. It is a part of every VT. It is a part of his identity on this show. We’ve even been shown a picture of her. As a result, it doesn’t really matter how well or badly he sings. He’ll never be Daniel Evans, X Factor contesant. He’ll always be the one with the dead wife.
Case in point: he doesn’t mention her and sings The Lady is a Tramp. The male judges say he’s rubbish. He ends up in the bottom two.
He then dedicates his showdown song to his wife. He sings a dreadful song about memories, about someone still being there and being an inspiration and being his forever and watching him from above. The judges cry, even Louis who hates Daniel, and he gets to stay in the competition.
I would like him to leave.
In other news, my parents missed the results show. My Dad made a sick noise when he heard about Daniel’s performance. My Mum was deeply saddened to hear Scott had gone after a ‘very good’ performance.
When I called to say I wasn’t coming home on Monday, their response was ‘oh great.’ I will go to Shayne Ward’s pub and earn their love.
Monday, 27 October 2008
Recaplet
There will always be a recaplet before the full recap. In future, the recaplet will come at the weekend. The recap will come when I have had chance to reflect on the X Factor live shows in all their busy glory.
Saturday was Big Band week. There was a big band. There were men bouncing and clicking their fingers. There were women in slutty outfits. There was a charity single debuted. Louis Walsh cried.
More to come!
Saturday was Big Band week. There was a big band. There were men bouncing and clicking their fingers. There were women in slutty outfits. There was a charity single debuted. Louis Walsh cried.
More to come!
Friday, 24 October 2008
Sorry Is NOT the hardest word
I just said it. I am sorry. This blog will be tarted up soon with pictures and things.
MY VERY FIRST THEX FACTOR RECAP
I was going to start this in time for the first live show but I didn’t. Shame that.
I had the amazing idea for the Thex Factor blog last week. Seriously, you should have been there. I thought - Eureka! - no one on the Internet writes about Television shows. This will be my niche. Sites like Television Without Pity don't exist and anyone who says they do is very stupid.
But I dismissed my great idea as a bit lame. And then realised I still wanted to do it.
So.... my blog that recaps the X Factor is going to be even more of a recap this week because it’s recapping months of auditions, one live show before recapping another live show properly. This could become very listlike. Apologies.
So very quickly. These are the facts you need to know.....
1. Everyone I like is still in the competition.
This doesn’t require a lot of explanation. All the auditionees I liked are still in (Alex, Diana, more on them later). The best person at Judges’ Homes (Laura) is still in. The scally bluecoat man I fancy – who drinks at the same pub as Shayne Ward! – is still in. That man who may or may not be in contact with his family is gone.
There was a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were eliminated and a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were not eliminated. All judges present and correct. All good.
2. There are themes. There are celebrities singing.
One week the contestants did number ones. One week they did Michael Jackson songs.
One week Leon sang. He was nervous and bounced around by mistake. He did not get to #1. One week Girls Aloud sang. They did not appear nervous and bounced around on purpose because they were dancing. They may get to #1.
Sadly, neither Leon or the ones that aren’t Cheryl from Girls Aloud acted as guest mentors. And hence no celebrity was forced to pretend they liked listening to any of these ghastly people or liked listening to people who are better singers than they are now.
3. Bad Lashes went on week one.
They left before I had chance to think of a ‘hilarious’ nickname for them. Bad Singers? Bad People? There just wasn’t time.
I’d say they went too soon because both times they sang they did 90s ballads (that one from Pretty Woman, that one that’s ‘by Ryan Adams’ in that he covered it and it’s really by Oasis) and I quite like anyone who’s stuck in the 90s because I am too.
On with the Week 2 rankings....
1. AUSTIN was bullied at school.
I’m sure I read that. He also told the Daily Star that he is not a gay. I don’t want to call him Notagay because, well, libel suits upset me so I will call him Bulliedatschool or just Austin.
He was very good I thought. He did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. Except really he did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson re-arranged by Chris Cornell as sung by David Cook on American Idol earlier this year. So a cover of a cover of a cover. Such strict themes.
Anyway his mentor is Simon Cowell who is a mogul and svengali. He praised Austin for being ‘original.’ Again – it’s cover of a cover of a cover. I wouldn’t praise it for being original. I would praise it because he sung it very well.
He was a little timid, perhaps a little bored on week one.
2. RUTH is Spanish.
She is being told to sing in Spanish because there’s nothing ruder to people on The X Factor than when someone comes from overseas and has the very CHEEK to want to sing in her new home’s language, rather than in the language of the country she’s come from. Hand this woman a Life in the UK test – stat.
If I were any number of relatives that I have or people I went to Uni with, I’d say she should fuck off home. She’ll steal our jobs and our women. But I’m not them.
I think she was one of the better people when singing Michael Jackson. I think she was very, very ace when she did Purple Rain because she was in the bottom two. And good on her for not singing in Spanish when she doesn’t really want to.
Her mentor is Dannii Minogue who is a pop star and cries constantly without moving her face. I’ve been told this is what happens to stroke victims. It’s actually very embarrassing for them because it breaks all sorts of social conventions. That’s a sad blog detour. I apologise.
She was a little dull on week one. If she changed her name to something more Spanish like Shakira, that would have helped. Her performance could have been livened up by someone shouting Shakira, Shakira. This has improved two Shakira songs – if not more.
3. DIANA is ‘quirky’.
I think she was given a Kate Bush album when she was fifteen. I bet she liked it because she’s ‘like really quirky’ and Kate Bush was also ‘like really quirky’ before Diana was even born.
Diana was born in a different decade to me and it upsets me because I can’t sing and I’ve never been on The X Factor and been told that I’m captivating or gave it 110% or made the song my own.
I think Linger by the Cranberries was the first single she ever bought, on tape from WHSmith. She was pretty good even though her song Man in the Mirror kind of depends on the person singing it being a man. Because how can you start with the Man in the Mirror if you don’t see a Man in the Mirror because you’re a girl?
The producers allegedly call her Princess Diana because she acts like a princess. Not because she is the Queen of anyone’s heart.
I think she’s very good and I’d like her to win.
Her mentor is Cheryl Cole who is a popstar and who is NOT a racist. This was shown in a court of law.
She was the best on week one because she didn’t scream like a banshee. She was compared to Marmite.
4. ALEX wants this very badly.
She was very good the year that Shayne Ward was on the show and won. Shayne Ward drinks at the same pub as Scott Bruton! Alexandra did not make it the live rounds then. She has now made it to the live rounds. She is the new Leona in that she sings and appears to really like 90s divas.
She sung I’ll Be There, which was done by Leona on the show a few years ago, which was rearranged by Mariah Carey sixteen years ago, which was sung by the Jackson Five several decades ago. She was not praised for being original. The key to being original is doing a cover of a cover of a cover that has never been sung by Mariah Carey. Don’t cut corners, Alexandra.
Anyway I find the whole covering divas note-for-note thing rather tired. I voted for Leona once and bought the single and bought the album. I even saw her on the X Factor tour because I got someone to go with me. I did not buy the T Shirt so I can’t say been there, done that, bought the T Shirt with much conviction.
Her mentor is Notaracist.
5. SCOTT drinks in Shayne Ward’s pub.
I have little else to add. He sings with a very strong American accent. He sings in tune and either winks (week one) or lusts (week two) at the camera / at the girls at home who might fancy him and vote for him.
I’m willing to admit that ‘I would’ but I’m not sure how much either of us would enjoy it.
He is mentored by Simon Cowell who is ALWAYS RIGHT. Let’s call him G-d. (The ‘-’ thing is what really religious people do, such as my old RS teacher. I quite like it and I also think calling Simon God is a little too obvious.)
He was equally good on week one but all the judges said he was rubbish and had been given the wrong song. (As if ‘She’s Out of My Life’ is this intricate masterpiece. It rhymes out of my life with out of my life.) Sometimes I’m out of sync with the judges and I apologise for that.
6. EOGHAN is too young to stay for the live bits on ITV2.
It’s really sweet. I think it’s to do with slave labour laws.
Anyway, Eoghan is really quite good. I wasn’t sure I liked him during the week at the judges’ homes that aren’t actually their homes because they’re rented by ITV. I didn’t like him then because he seemed to be whispering. Now he actually seems to be ‘telling a story’ when he sings if that makes sense.
He sang Ben. This is kind of obvious because Eoghan is a little boy and it’s a little boy song. And it’s what Ray Quinn sang in series 3 during a similar theme week.
But it’s also kind of risky because Eoghan might never have had a pet rat. He might have been very much ‘out of his comfort zone’ singing about the ‘now it’s us, now it’s me’ feelings that come with rat ownership. This sort of inexperience could have resulted in a lacklustre vocal and an uncomfortable performance. He could have gone home. Well done to him and his mentor Simon for taking such a big risk.
He was even better on week one and sang Imagine. He made me briefly imagine a world without countries, or religion, or anything to kill or die for. Even though I don’t think he sang the more controversial verses on the show.
Fact alert! David Archuleta done a version of Imagine on American Idol and didn’t sing the ‘no religion’ bit because he is a mormon and didn’t want to blaspheme. Perhaps Eoghan is a mormon too.
7. LAURA needs your votes to stay in the competition.
She sang You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. For the first bit of the song she whimpered like a jazz diva that doesn’t sing jazz. (She is very new and exciting and is not at all like Duffy or Amy Winehouse!) For the second bit of the song she sang notes very loudly and longly. (She is the future Mariah, Whitney, Celine or Leona!)
She was very good one on week one. She wailed and screamed and I found the whole thing both frightening and impressive. On week one, she was dressed poorly. She seemed to be wearing black rubber and seemed to be pregnant or carrying a gun down her dress.
Laura’s mentor is Notaracist.
8. DANIEL has a dead wife.
He is also a very nice guy. We are told this week every week by the judges before they tell him and us that he is rubbish and looks like Ricky Gervais and is hideously underqualified to sing covers on ITV.
Deadwife is mentored by Dannii who has a sister I think.
He was worse on week one. Mainly because he was singing I Wanna Know What Love Is and that song always makes me think of 5CD budget compilations.
9. GIRL BAND are very literal.
They are a Girl Band and so are called Girl Band. They sang Heal The World because they too want to Heal The World. Then, when they were in the bottom two, they sang I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing because they said they ‘don’t want to miss a thing’ on the show, i.e. get kicked off.
They were kicked off. I won’t miss them.
They were similarly bad on week one and were in the bottom two.
They were mentored by Louis Walsh who is a manager of boybands. (None of whom had the good sense to call themselves Boy Band even though they were in fact a boy band!)
10. JLS have secret celebrity pasts.
I love this dirt that’s been found on them. One was in a band managed by one of Blue called VS and had a top ten single! I didn’t like that song.
They also had a #11 single which I did like! The band member whose name I don’t want to look up clearly likes band name acronyms almost as much as Girl Band like being literal and Deadwife likes singing ballads.
Another one was on a Kids TV show. Again I don’t want to look up names. Just go on DigitalSpy if you care enough.
They performed The Way You Make Me Feel because they can both sing and dance at the same time, though not sing well and dance at the same time. They had a ‘hot’ dance routine which involved rubbing against disinterested lady dancers.
They are mentored by Louis Walsh.
11. RACHEL takes things on board.
She was very gobby at BootCamp and now claims constantly she’s taking things on board when she’s given feedback.
She chose her song this week because her mentor Dannii Minogue chose her song last week and this aggravated her greatly.
She sang Dirty Diana and shouted and screamed but not in a way that was pleasant.
She sings a bit like a baby, without enunciating her words. She sings a bit like she has a cold. She had weird hair too. It was the hair of a teenage lesbian who’s ‘like completely open about everything and will say what she means to your face - but please don’t tell my parents! Please. I’ll pay you’
Simon told her off for picking the wrong song and not actually singing well in a singing competition. She was my least favourite person. I was going to write performance but then person seemed more damning. Her speaking voice annoys me too.
My first recap. I’m excited. I apologise for the many typos. I know I should take a blog far more seriously.
In other news, my Mum who's watched this show for five years now still calls it X Files.
I had the amazing idea for the Thex Factor blog last week. Seriously, you should have been there. I thought - Eureka! - no one on the Internet writes about Television shows. This will be my niche. Sites like Television Without Pity don't exist and anyone who says they do is very stupid.
But I dismissed my great idea as a bit lame. And then realised I still wanted to do it.
So.... my blog that recaps the X Factor is going to be even more of a recap this week because it’s recapping months of auditions, one live show before recapping another live show properly. This could become very listlike. Apologies.
So very quickly. These are the facts you need to know.....
1. Everyone I like is still in the competition.
This doesn’t require a lot of explanation. All the auditionees I liked are still in (Alex, Diana, more on them later). The best person at Judges’ Homes (Laura) is still in. The scally bluecoat man I fancy – who drinks at the same pub as Shayne Ward! – is still in. That man who may or may not be in contact with his family is gone.
There was a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were eliminated and a lot of sobbing by contestants when they were not eliminated. All judges present and correct. All good.
2. There are themes. There are celebrities singing.
One week the contestants did number ones. One week they did Michael Jackson songs.
One week Leon sang. He was nervous and bounced around by mistake. He did not get to #1. One week Girls Aloud sang. They did not appear nervous and bounced around on purpose because they were dancing. They may get to #1.
Sadly, neither Leon or the ones that aren’t Cheryl from Girls Aloud acted as guest mentors. And hence no celebrity was forced to pretend they liked listening to any of these ghastly people or liked listening to people who are better singers than they are now.
3. Bad Lashes went on week one.
They left before I had chance to think of a ‘hilarious’ nickname for them. Bad Singers? Bad People? There just wasn’t time.
I’d say they went too soon because both times they sang they did 90s ballads (that one from Pretty Woman, that one that’s ‘by Ryan Adams’ in that he covered it and it’s really by Oasis) and I quite like anyone who’s stuck in the 90s because I am too.
On with the Week 2 rankings....
1. AUSTIN was bullied at school.
I’m sure I read that. He also told the Daily Star that he is not a gay. I don’t want to call him Notagay because, well, libel suits upset me so I will call him Bulliedatschool or just Austin.
He was very good I thought. He did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. Except really he did Billie Jean by Michael Jackson re-arranged by Chris Cornell as sung by David Cook on American Idol earlier this year. So a cover of a cover of a cover. Such strict themes.
Anyway his mentor is Simon Cowell who is a mogul and svengali. He praised Austin for being ‘original.’ Again – it’s cover of a cover of a cover. I wouldn’t praise it for being original. I would praise it because he sung it very well.
He was a little timid, perhaps a little bored on week one.
2. RUTH is Spanish.
She is being told to sing in Spanish because there’s nothing ruder to people on The X Factor than when someone comes from overseas and has the very CHEEK to want to sing in her new home’s language, rather than in the language of the country she’s come from. Hand this woman a Life in the UK test – stat.
If I were any number of relatives that I have or people I went to Uni with, I’d say she should fuck off home. She’ll steal our jobs and our women. But I’m not them.
I think she was one of the better people when singing Michael Jackson. I think she was very, very ace when she did Purple Rain because she was in the bottom two. And good on her for not singing in Spanish when she doesn’t really want to.
Her mentor is Dannii Minogue who is a pop star and cries constantly without moving her face. I’ve been told this is what happens to stroke victims. It’s actually very embarrassing for them because it breaks all sorts of social conventions. That’s a sad blog detour. I apologise.
She was a little dull on week one. If she changed her name to something more Spanish like Shakira, that would have helped. Her performance could have been livened up by someone shouting Shakira, Shakira. This has improved two Shakira songs – if not more.
3. DIANA is ‘quirky’.
I think she was given a Kate Bush album when she was fifteen. I bet she liked it because she’s ‘like really quirky’ and Kate Bush was also ‘like really quirky’ before Diana was even born.
Diana was born in a different decade to me and it upsets me because I can’t sing and I’ve never been on The X Factor and been told that I’m captivating or gave it 110% or made the song my own.
I think Linger by the Cranberries was the first single she ever bought, on tape from WHSmith. She was pretty good even though her song Man in the Mirror kind of depends on the person singing it being a man. Because how can you start with the Man in the Mirror if you don’t see a Man in the Mirror because you’re a girl?
The producers allegedly call her Princess Diana because she acts like a princess. Not because she is the Queen of anyone’s heart.
I think she’s very good and I’d like her to win.
Her mentor is Cheryl Cole who is a popstar and who is NOT a racist. This was shown in a court of law.
She was the best on week one because she didn’t scream like a banshee. She was compared to Marmite.
4. ALEX wants this very badly.
She was very good the year that Shayne Ward was on the show and won. Shayne Ward drinks at the same pub as Scott Bruton! Alexandra did not make it the live rounds then. She has now made it to the live rounds. She is the new Leona in that she sings and appears to really like 90s divas.
She sung I’ll Be There, which was done by Leona on the show a few years ago, which was rearranged by Mariah Carey sixteen years ago, which was sung by the Jackson Five several decades ago. She was not praised for being original. The key to being original is doing a cover of a cover of a cover that has never been sung by Mariah Carey. Don’t cut corners, Alexandra.
Anyway I find the whole covering divas note-for-note thing rather tired. I voted for Leona once and bought the single and bought the album. I even saw her on the X Factor tour because I got someone to go with me. I did not buy the T Shirt so I can’t say been there, done that, bought the T Shirt with much conviction.
Her mentor is Notaracist.
5. SCOTT drinks in Shayne Ward’s pub.
I have little else to add. He sings with a very strong American accent. He sings in tune and either winks (week one) or lusts (week two) at the camera / at the girls at home who might fancy him and vote for him.
I’m willing to admit that ‘I would’ but I’m not sure how much either of us would enjoy it.
He is mentored by Simon Cowell who is ALWAYS RIGHT. Let’s call him G-d. (The ‘-’ thing is what really religious people do, such as my old RS teacher. I quite like it and I also think calling Simon God is a little too obvious.)
He was equally good on week one but all the judges said he was rubbish and had been given the wrong song. (As if ‘She’s Out of My Life’ is this intricate masterpiece. It rhymes out of my life with out of my life.) Sometimes I’m out of sync with the judges and I apologise for that.
6. EOGHAN is too young to stay for the live bits on ITV2.
It’s really sweet. I think it’s to do with slave labour laws.
Anyway, Eoghan is really quite good. I wasn’t sure I liked him during the week at the judges’ homes that aren’t actually their homes because they’re rented by ITV. I didn’t like him then because he seemed to be whispering. Now he actually seems to be ‘telling a story’ when he sings if that makes sense.
He sang Ben. This is kind of obvious because Eoghan is a little boy and it’s a little boy song. And it’s what Ray Quinn sang in series 3 during a similar theme week.
But it’s also kind of risky because Eoghan might never have had a pet rat. He might have been very much ‘out of his comfort zone’ singing about the ‘now it’s us, now it’s me’ feelings that come with rat ownership. This sort of inexperience could have resulted in a lacklustre vocal and an uncomfortable performance. He could have gone home. Well done to him and his mentor Simon for taking such a big risk.
He was even better on week one and sang Imagine. He made me briefly imagine a world without countries, or religion, or anything to kill or die for. Even though I don’t think he sang the more controversial verses on the show.
Fact alert! David Archuleta done a version of Imagine on American Idol and didn’t sing the ‘no religion’ bit because he is a mormon and didn’t want to blaspheme. Perhaps Eoghan is a mormon too.
7. LAURA needs your votes to stay in the competition.
She sang You Are Not Alone by Michael Jackson because it was Michael Jackson week. For the first bit of the song she whimpered like a jazz diva that doesn’t sing jazz. (She is very new and exciting and is not at all like Duffy or Amy Winehouse!) For the second bit of the song she sang notes very loudly and longly. (She is the future Mariah, Whitney, Celine or Leona!)
She was very good one on week one. She wailed and screamed and I found the whole thing both frightening and impressive. On week one, she was dressed poorly. She seemed to be wearing black rubber and seemed to be pregnant or carrying a gun down her dress.
Laura’s mentor is Notaracist.
8. DANIEL has a dead wife.
He is also a very nice guy. We are told this week every week by the judges before they tell him and us that he is rubbish and looks like Ricky Gervais and is hideously underqualified to sing covers on ITV.
Deadwife is mentored by Dannii who has a sister I think.
He was worse on week one. Mainly because he was singing I Wanna Know What Love Is and that song always makes me think of 5CD budget compilations.
9. GIRL BAND are very literal.
They are a Girl Band and so are called Girl Band. They sang Heal The World because they too want to Heal The World. Then, when they were in the bottom two, they sang I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing because they said they ‘don’t want to miss a thing’ on the show, i.e. get kicked off.
They were kicked off. I won’t miss them.
They were similarly bad on week one and were in the bottom two.
They were mentored by Louis Walsh who is a manager of boybands. (None of whom had the good sense to call themselves Boy Band even though they were in fact a boy band!)
10. JLS have secret celebrity pasts.
I love this dirt that’s been found on them. One was in a band managed by one of Blue called VS and had a top ten single! I didn’t like that song.
They also had a #11 single which I did like! The band member whose name I don’t want to look up clearly likes band name acronyms almost as much as Girl Band like being literal and Deadwife likes singing ballads.
Another one was on a Kids TV show. Again I don’t want to look up names. Just go on DigitalSpy if you care enough.
They performed The Way You Make Me Feel because they can both sing and dance at the same time, though not sing well and dance at the same time. They had a ‘hot’ dance routine which involved rubbing against disinterested lady dancers.
They are mentored by Louis Walsh.
11. RACHEL takes things on board.
She was very gobby at BootCamp and now claims constantly she’s taking things on board when she’s given feedback.
She chose her song this week because her mentor Dannii Minogue chose her song last week and this aggravated her greatly.
She sang Dirty Diana and shouted and screamed but not in a way that was pleasant.
She sings a bit like a baby, without enunciating her words. She sings a bit like she has a cold. She had weird hair too. It was the hair of a teenage lesbian who’s ‘like completely open about everything and will say what she means to your face - but please don’t tell my parents! Please. I’ll pay you’
Simon told her off for picking the wrong song and not actually singing well in a singing competition. She was my least favourite person. I was going to write performance but then person seemed more damning. Her speaking voice annoys me too.
My first recap. I’m excited. I apologise for the many typos. I know I should take a blog far more seriously.
In other news, my Mum who's watched this show for five years now still calls it X Files.
Hello
Hello. I’m an author and as such I really should have a blog.
It would give me “internet presence”.
I could dazzle the world with how literary and clever I am.
I could give snippets of my work. I could make people want to read more.
I could be discovered and wouldn't work in a shop.
I could talk about my life. I could talk about how I just saw this exciting new film that you’re bound not to have seen because I’m too cult for you. I could tell you it was called Pi and tell you how amazing it is and – ergo – how amazing I am for having seen it.
But whatevs. I could watch only Pi in ten minute chunks. It was very tedious and very pretentious and the fact that I had a two-year old prescription in my glasses made it even more tedious. I walked the last half an hour with a current prescription in my glasses and it was still blurry and I still didn't like it.
"Ooh, like, it’s really deep because it’s like sometimes societal forces make you have to drill a hole in your head. And it’s not like so not standard Hollywood fare. I really love films that go a little deeper. And are like in Black and White."
Again, whatevs. ‘I didn’t get it.’ If you liked it, you’re very clever and I’m very stupid.
Thus my Thex Factor blog was born. It’s an ode to the fact that as writers go, I’m probably very stupid. I don’t like big words and I do very much like The X Factor show.
Every week I’m going to recap the X Factor.
I’m going to rank the performances from best to worst. I’m going to introduce you to lovable characters like Bulliedatschool, Deadwife and Notaracist.
I’m going to have to write something every week. I'm not going to be an author who doesn't actually write anything and just lives at home and watches Ally McBeal because he doesn't have to earn enough to pay rent.
I’m going to have something to do besides jobhunting, waiting for the phone to ring and watching Ally McBeal.
New blog! I’m excited!
It would give me “internet presence”.
I could dazzle the world with how literary and clever I am.
I could give snippets of my work. I could make people want to read more.
I could be discovered and wouldn't work in a shop.
I could talk about my life. I could talk about how I just saw this exciting new film that you’re bound not to have seen because I’m too cult for you. I could tell you it was called Pi and tell you how amazing it is and – ergo – how amazing I am for having seen it.
But whatevs. I could watch only Pi in ten minute chunks. It was very tedious and very pretentious and the fact that I had a two-year old prescription in my glasses made it even more tedious. I walked the last half an hour with a current prescription in my glasses and it was still blurry and I still didn't like it.
"Ooh, like, it’s really deep because it’s like sometimes societal forces make you have to drill a hole in your head. And it’s not like so not standard Hollywood fare. I really love films that go a little deeper. And are like in Black and White."
Again, whatevs. ‘I didn’t get it.’ If you liked it, you’re very clever and I’m very stupid.
Thus my Thex Factor blog was born. It’s an ode to the fact that as writers go, I’m probably very stupid. I don’t like big words and I do very much like The X Factor show.
Every week I’m going to recap the X Factor.
I’m going to rank the performances from best to worst. I’m going to introduce you to lovable characters like Bulliedatschool, Deadwife and Notaracist.
I’m going to have to write something every week. I'm not going to be an author who doesn't actually write anything and just lives at home and watches Ally McBeal because he doesn't have to earn enough to pay rent.
I’m going to have something to do besides jobhunting, waiting for the phone to ring and watching Ally McBeal.
New blog! I’m excited!
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